Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Mammogram, yep I'm blogging about it.

My first boob reconfiguration. So Erv, shut your eyes real tight and get the wife to screen this post, this is one you might not want to read. In fact just don't read it.

My overwhelming sense of urgency when visiting the doctor was my uterus. I'm done with it, don't want it anymore, it's more trouble than it's worth and I was there to state my case to the doctor at my yearly, paper gown wearing checkup. I yammered away as the doctor started my examine until I saw her eyes widen.
"What's that, do you know that's there, that lump? Let's get you that mammogram you've put off for too long."
"Okay." I remained in a sedated, confused state of mind while the office tried to get me in as soon as possible. And my uterus was again put on hold. I'm convinced I'll be stuck with it forever.

I'll tell you now that the lump was just a cyst. But for three days I kicked myself for putting off my health. Besides being worried about breast cancer, I was also concern for my nipples. I'd been told the stories of the mammogram and for the life of me could not see how they were going to get my boobs to stay in a machine when I could barely find a bra I don't swim in, I'm not what you call well endowed. I was convinced my nipples would be pinched off. After the mammogram technician removed the large tray and replaced it with the small boob tray, it was go time. And yes, the list of exercises to do to prepare for a mammogram that has been floating around the internet for years is true:

Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as she can. Repeat for the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

The good news, just a cyst and I still have my nipples. The bad new, I still have my uterus.


ReformingGeek said...

I'm sorry your cyst usurped your uterus!


The technician has a hard time with my little ones, too. I have lots of cysts. Fun. Yeah, lots of fun.

Leeuna said...

Bwahahaahaha. You sure do have the mammogram down correctly. So glad the lump was nothing bad.

Oh, and hold onto that uterus as long as possible. Having a hysterectomy sucks -- both the surgery and the years after, when you're left without horomones.