Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Chocolate Attack

During my frantic search for chocolate I ran across one solitary piece of Bubble Yum bubble gum. Ohhhhh! I haven't had a piece of Bubble Yum bubble gum in about 10 years. Along with the gum, were an wide assortment of forgotten candy, stuck up in a bowl on the top shelf of my cupboard. Two stale Hershey's Kisses were eaten immediately and then I popped the gum in my mouth. Who knows how old it was, but I'm still chomping on it. I blew a couple bubbles near the dog and her ears stood up inquisitively.
When the chocolate fix was taken care of, I went on to looking for my scrub brush because sometimes I clean stuff. Right there is where I found my Halloween candy stash. Doh! I hid so well this year it withstood a chocolate attack.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Did He Just Dis' Me?

Yes, the joys of parenthood came to a crashing halt when I opened the cell phone bill. Events spiraled out of control as I investigated the added charges.
Boy #2 received, from mommy and daddy, a new phone for his birthday last month.
"What's this megabytes charge?" I asked Boy #3, because he's the all knowing, 21st century, techno terminology guru in the house.
"It's memory."
"Oh................ Well, why is his $62.38 and yours is only a $1.99?"
Boy #3's eye's lit up and he grinned, that 'I didn't do it this time' grin.
The birthday phone came with a free month of internet, and that's it, I didn't sign anything.
"I'm calling about this charge."
As the evening progressed the husband barely showed interest, just an occasional glance over the newspaper.
When finally I got a human on the other end of my land-line, I explained, "I'm calling about my bill, it's a little higher than usual."
At the other end, I heard, "Wow, $842.56."
"Whaa..... no. $62.38."
"Ma'am, your bill is currently $842.56. It's from the internet usage."

"But.................$842.56? Could you hold on a sec? Go get your brother, tell him to stop using his cell phone, tell him to turn it off now!"
That's when the husband decided to get involved.

I couldn't get through to the woman on the other end of the phone that this was impossible, the best she could do for me was take off 25%.
"I have to call financial services and see if I can get a payment plan." I told the husband.
"Give me the phone."
By the time he got off the phone he had the entire $842.56 credited to our account.
"How did you do that?" I said in utter disbelief.
"All I did was introduce logic into the conversation."
"Kids, leave the room, mommy's going to hurt daddy."

Friday, September 19, 2008

Anti-American, House Disturbing, Phone Book Droppers

I don't know, to me it looks like I have enough phone books, but "they" continue to drop them at the bottom of my driveway. And I continue to drag them into the house and pile them up on that shelf. "They" once dropped one on my front steps at 10:00 at night, breaking one of those little plastic American Flags that I had stuck in the ground for the Fourth of July, setting the dog into a barking frenzy and startling the husband out of a sound sleep on the recliner. Those Anti-American, house disturbing, phone book droppers are pissing me off.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Home of the Brave

Seven years ago I sat at my desk at work listening to the radio with Bob the copy machine repairman. We listened to the tragic day unfold. I remember stepping outside for some air and noticing how still the sky was and quiet. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me when I went out for the mail this morning at work that I had that same feeling.
It was 9:30 in the morning and the air was still, I looked up at our flag and it just hung there, half staff, unmoving. By the time I left work a breeze had picked up and the flag was waving proudly. It was as if the flag was quietly morning the events of September 11, 2001 along with the rest of the country. And then it picked itself up again, to carry on bravely.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Paycheck Draining Kids

With my recent bombardment of post ideas, I decided to set a few of my brain cells aside to figure out why. Why all the sudden ideas? What’s different now, late in the summer as opposed to early in the summer? And since my brain has been chugging along rather smoothly these last few weeks, I figured it out pretty quick. I’m a freakin genius lately.
And here’s what I came up with, there are no paycheck draining parties on the horizon. No party bills looming in the distance. No more looking into the eyes of the husband and saying, “How are we going to pay for that?” The graduation party is over and the wedding is done. And if those boys pull any of that kind of planning again, I’m putting them up for adoption. I don’t care if they are 22 and 19. I’m keeping the 16 year old, only because as I said in a previous post, I’m living with him when I get old.
I still have some of the booze from the wedding sitting by my fireplace. I haven’t decided if I’ll turn to that when paying the bills we’ve accrued or consolidate debt. Because I’m pretty sure Santa’s isn’t bringing me jewelry this year unless I figure something out. So it’s time to smoosh all those credit cards together in to one payment, debt consolidation. No time to waste, diamond earrings are on my Christmas list!

Monday, September 08, 2008

The Old Lady and Her Walker on Wheels

Homeowners must be ever vigilant when it comes to accidents on their property. When I peered out my living room window Sunday afternoon I sprang into action. Grabbing the closest Boy available I steered him towards the window and said, "See that lawsuit waiting to happen?"
"The old lady and her walker on wheels?"
"Yes, run honey, run like the wind and stop the dog from bolting after her and barking until she keels over dead of a heart attack or breaks a hip."
"I'm all over this mom."
Who sends their aged loved ones with a walker on wheels out alone for a Sunday stroll? Thanks to me and my nosy neighbor tendencies the old lady passed the house without incident.
"Bring that dog in, she can't get too far. She'll be wheeling the walker back around for a return trip."

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Lady Zipper

"What the hell did I mean when I wrote that down?" I asked myself.
Do you have a list of "Blogging Ideas" sitting next to your computer? I do, but apparently I need to be more specific when writing notes to myself. Last weekend when ideas were spewing from my brain I went fumbling for my list. With a big grin, because I'm thinking, "this one's going to be good" I started to write ideas under the words Lady Zipper. Each time I came back to the list I kept looking at the words Lady Zipper. About the fifth trip to my ever growing list, my grin started to fade. The words Lady Zipper were bursting my bubble. I real drag on my idea explosion.
Two days later my Alzheimer's moment was over, ohhhhhhhh that's what I meant.

In the ladies room at a wedding the week before Boy #1's, I emerged from the stall. Washing my hands while one woman was putting on lipstick and an other was emerging from her stall.
"Ladies, I need some help." Says the emerging woman. Lipstick woman headed for the exit and before I could even say, "Would you bring me a vodka and orange juice?" she was gone. I took a deep breath and asked what was wrong.
"I just need help with this darn zipper."
"Oh, no problem." What a relief it's just a stuck zipper. Several problems ran through my head and none of them as easy as a stuck zipper. I'll be back to my vodka and orange juice within minutes. Except the zipper wouldn't budge, that was one stuck zipper. It wouldn't go up or down. Damn that lipstick lady being closer to the exit than me! Do I have to stay in the restroom with this woman all night, while the ice in my drink melted?
"It's just not going to move."
"That's does it, I'm taking this dress back."
Yes, tomorrow you can but what about now, will we be leaving the restroom tonight? Cause you can't go out there like this. Obviously you thought a bra wasn't needed for this blessed occasion and I don't have a safety pin.
That's what I said inside my head, what came out was, "Uhhhhhhh, but......"
"Oh I have a sweater."
"Great, a sweater, I'm going to head back to my table, see you on the dance floor."
As I left I'm saying to myself, "I'm so blogging about this. I have to write this down when I get home."

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Nervous American Broad

I've posted about my dry cleaners experiences before, they're some kind of Asian couple. They speak broken English to me and the other customers, but when I first walk in, before the door has a chance to chime announcing my presence I hear them speaking in their native tongue. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, I don't know it's all Greek to me. He is usually yelling something from the back while working the big shirt press. He's a scary little dude. Not because he's Asian, but because he reminds me of a Vietnamese military prison camp guard. That's not racist, is it?
I just have a vivid imagination and war movies are on the TV a lot with three boys and a husband. I'm outnumbered. He does look like he's been in a Chuck Norris movie though.
She usually gets my shirts, takes my money and tells me to have a nice day. Last week I heard her in a little room but he approached the counter.
'Oh God please don't let me say anything stupid. Say nothing, just shut your mouth, no eye contact.'
I'm my own best friend when it comes to advice.
I made it to my car with clean shirts and all my fingers. I leaned over to file away my receipt and put my purse down when I heard a gentle tapping on my window. After totally freaking myself out it was inevitable that when I turned and saw him peering in my car window that I would jump out of my seat with a "Don't Kill Me" look on my face. I think I scared the poor guy. He held up four fingers and said, "Four shirt, four?"
Words escaped me, I nodded yes and he went back into the dry cleaning facility probably muttering to himself, "Nervous American broad."