Friday, January 29, 2010

New Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude Blog Fodder

And there you have it, stop at the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dudes to pick up the husbands shirts and a post for your blog writes itself. I should go there every day. The previous owner was in the back and and saw me, "Hey, I remember you! How are they treating you here?" With the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude lurking near the big, giant, hot shirt press I answered, "They're treating me great."
Seriously, what else was I going to say?"
Back in the day when the ownership transition was made, I could have left for a dry cleaner that understood English, I didn't have a blog then so I didn't need them like I do now. But I decided to give the guy that looks like the Vietnam prison camp guard in a Chuck Norris movie a chance. It's proven to have been a good move. He still doesn't understand me but he can almost spell my whole last name. I walk in the door and he says, with his
Vietnam prison camp guard in a Chuck Norris movie grin, "S..... E..... E....." I usually have nothing to say to that so I just smile at him like it's our little joke.
Seriously, what else can I do?
The previous owner said, "It's good to see you again."
The Asian woman said, "Have nice day."
The Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude said nothing.
I left hearing the words from the previous owner commenting on me being an old customer and complimenting the none English speaking couple on keeping me.
I really hoped, as I got in my car that the Asians could differentiate the fact that I was an old customer, not an old customer.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I thought my brain was getting bigger

Occasionally, maybe once a week, I will sit by myself at McDonald's for lunch. This is the time I've set aside to think up something brilliant to post. Lost in my thoughts and my fries, fruit and walnut salad, a humongous ice tea with lemon and 4 sugars. From brain to hand the ideas flow out of me with astounding fluidity. It's really quite amazing. Until the first of the new year, I really thought my brain was getting bigger. But now my mind is stuck on remembering it's 2010. You'd think by now I could remember to write, type or even say 2010. This is a huge set back on my brain growing to genius proportion. What a drag. Even now while sitting in my McDonald's booth my concentration is strained, my eyes keep straying towards the word search game on my trays place-mat.
"Apple Pie" is right there, I should circle it. No focus."
The guy in the other booth is doing his word search. I heard him say to his lunch companion, "I found everything but Apple Pie."
"Doh!" How could he not see Apple Pie.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Peeing with Santa

"We never talk anymore."
"No, don't mom me."
"It was nothing, really."
"You know I'm a humor blogger, you have a conversation with Santa Claus in the mens room and neglect to tell me.? It's unforgivable."
"I'm sorry, won't happen again."
"Exactly! How many people can say they pee'ed with Santa. You're going through life with blinders on kid. What did you talk about anyway?"
"He hates the beard, it itches."

Friday, January 08, 2010

I have ten cans of soup. All is right in the world.

With one storm system under our belts, we, the mighty Northeast Ohioans, await the second one. The weather channel, talk show hosts, local news crews, the UPS deliver guy and the truck driver at work promise us at least another half foot of snow, more in the snow belt, by the time we wake up tomorrow. According to all of those experts "it's going to be a mess."
If it's going to be a mess I'll want to stay in the house, I thought to myself. And then my next though was, I better get dog food. Because Buckeye has been peeing in snow up past her twat for over a week now, the least I can do is make sure we don't run out of dog food.
I knew we needed "lake effect snow" provisions but the only item that I could grasp, hold on to, and run with was the dog food. So I went up and down every aisle.

Pickles, the last time I looked for pickles at home I couldn't find any, I bought some. Ten cans of soup for $10.00? Deal. Oh look, they have 4 bottles of Diet Sunkist, the only diet pop the diabetic will drink, threw them in the cart. Poke'Mon macaroni and cheese, the boys will think that's so funny, three boxes, because we already have 5 boxes of the Sponge Bob ones at home. Wouldn't it be funny if I forgot the dog food? I high tailed it to the pet aisle and threw a bag of lamb and barley in the cart along with some braided raw hides. On my
way to the registers I grabbed a box of donuts for the diabetic.

It seems quite a few people had the same plan as me, all the registers were open. Half of them have the self scanning technology and the other half cashiers. I can't self scan, it just never works for me. So I waited longer for a cashier and ended up getting scolded by the woman. Apparently I wasn't suppose to take the coupon off the
Frito Scoops, she was. What kind of sense does that make when half the registers are self scan? Hmmmm? I really, really want to point that out to her, really. But I held my tongue, I barely made it through the Alberta Clipper storm system and now facing impending doom with a Lake Effect Storm on the way, why tempt fate? The dog is now sitting in front of a roaring fire chewing on her new braided raw hide and I have ten cans of soup. All is right in the world.