This is a WTF situation

I hate to call it writers block, being at a loss for words, because it's my own fault. I'm easily distracted, there's bright and shiny lights outside now. All I needed to do though, was look past the pretty colors right out my front window to see the next post that had to be written.

The family and I looked out there this afternoon, scrunched our eyebrows together in udder disbelief, looked at one another and collectively said,

"Do you see what I'm seeing there?"

We all agreed it was something we never expected to see and that I should blog about.

"But where do I start?" I asked.

"A picture?" Boy #3 suggested.

"NO." The husband adamantly objected. I was already on my way to my camera, but stopped. I'll try to paint you a picture with my words.

The dog brought it to our attention with a low guttural growl, she was perched on top of the couch looking out the window with great interest. Boy #3 took a look.

"Huh."

Boy #2 took a look.

"Did that guy just hit that squirrel?"

"Yep." Boy #3 replied.

"What's he doing with it?

"Huh?" The husband took a look.

We have a "common area" across the street, one of several in the development and this guy picked up the squirrel he hit with his car and carried it over there.

"What the fff."

"Language!"

"Mom, this is a WTF situation. You have to say it here."

"Not necessarily, let's see what he does next."

"What the "freak"? He's burying it with leaves? Does he think no one can see him? It's daylight, it's 3:00 pm on the main road and there are people driving by and dogs barking. Who is this guy?"

"I should have my camera right now and film, not taking pictures, this is YouTube gold. It would have gone viral."

"NO." He's no fun, the husband.

The guy kept grabbing hand fulls of leaves and dropping them on the dead squirrel that he so lovingly dropped under a tree, where children play. Actually I think that tree was third base when my kids played over there.

"He's burying it on third base." Boy #2 said to Boy #3.

Yeah, it was third base when the boys used to play there.

Okay so the guy has his car parked on the side of the road causing traffic to slow, the neighborhood dogs and ours are barking, it's daylight and this guy decides that after he leaf buries the dead squirrel he needs to squat down to a puddle of muddy water and wash his hands.

"See this is why I carry the little bottle of cucumber/melon anti-bacterial hand sanitizer gel in my purse that you guys say stinks. I'll bet he wishes he had some of that now. You know to remove the smell of death from his hands."

It isn't like no one has never seen a dead squirrel in the road, it's a common occurrence. I guess this guy was trying to do the right thing? No? Or he's just bat crap crazy. Nevertheless I need to thank him for bringing kookamonga right outside my front window, I barely had to move to write this post.

She's a known squirrel killer

The problem is the dog isn't a big fan of frolicking creatures that nature brings us to brighten our days. With the temperature cooling to the degree of "let's open the windows" Fahrenheit, we let the breeze and the crickets lull us to sleep. And in the morning we hear the birds chirping bringing us out of our slumber. It really is a sunshine and lollipops kind of atmosphere and adds a peaceful calm to the household.
But when a couple of geese decide to park themselves across the street from the house and squawk at irregular intervals, mayhem ensues. Since the dog is a known squirrel killer, she has an overwhelming sense of power when it comes to her turf. Her turf is basically the street we live on, if anyone dares walk their dog past our house she will let them know in no uncertain terms that they are intruding. She also has a white hot hate for skateboarders.

Wild animals really piss her off. They wander the neighborhood without boundries, she's jealous. So my morning and early afternoon consisted of squawks and barks, barks and squawks. The geese wouldn't leave until they were good and ready and now the dog is spent, sleeping it off on my bed, barely able to keep her eyes open. The know squirrel killer missed her mid-morning nap.

Wonder dog is allergic to bees

Over a year ago I wrote a post titled Buckeye's First Kill. A short little post about my delusional children thinking my dog was a cold blooded killer. With only circumstantial evidence, I pronounced her Not Guilty. I can do that because I'm the mom and I run the whole show around here.

Last month when the squirrel incident occurred, I started to wonder if I should have examined the mouse evidence a little closer. Clearly she killed the squirrel, I was the primary witness.

Over the three years that we've had her I've seen her chase moths, flies and bees. Right after the squirrel kill she was sitting in between the husband and I on our recliner couch. The whole damn couch reclines you could fit five people on it, the most comfortable couch we've ever had, we never leave it and the dog is right there with us snuggled up in front of the fireplace and TV. So we are all three sitting there, but the dog is alert and her ears are up. We are expecting the barking to start next and then a run to the window, but instead she snaps a fly out of mid air.

"Did you see that?"

"Did she get it?"

At that moment she spit it out, sniffed it, toyed with it and ate it.

We were too dumb struck to stop her.

"She's wonder dog."

"Did you see that?"

Clearly she's been practicing her attack skills when we are at work. I never really thought she ever caught the flies and bees, but obviously she now has the taste for blood.

On the rare occasion that the husband takes a day off of work he schedules car stuff, home improvement stuff and on this week, the week after the squirrel incident he scheduled dog stuff. An appointment for her check up and manicure. I came home for lunch before they left, she was outside playing or having a snack because I saw her chasing something that was flying. Please don't drag in a dead animal until after I have my lunch baby.

"Did you feed her? Because she's eating bugs."

"Huh?"

"Do you want a sandwich? Your dog is chasing bugs."

"She's fine."

We ate and I got ready to go back to work.

"I'll bring the dog in."

I looked towards the door and she was sitting on the steps shaking, "The hell?"

"What?"

I brought her in and gave her a biscuit, it dropped out of her mouth. Okay somethings wrong. She a biscuit whore, sometimes I think she just asks to go out to get a biscuit. And when I say ask, I mean stare at me, a real in depth stare, right into my very soul she stares. It's a 'I have to pee stare.' And then sometimes I don't think she even goes down the steps.

But anyway, she drops the biscuit and I see foam in her mouth.

"Babe, look at her?"

"I guess we're going to the vet a little earlier than expected, go back to work, she'll be fine, I'll call you."

"But............."

"I got this."

Back at work I fretted. He'll forget to call me. I should have called in sick. He can't even remember the years the boys were born and I entrusted the dog into his care. Damn.

Then my cell phone rang, "Wonder dog is allergic to bees."

"Huh?"

"The doctor thinks there is a bee sting on her tongue, gave her a shot of Benadryl and steroids. Pick up some Benadryl on your way home."

See, he's clueless, a mom always has Benadryl in the medicine chest. Of course the stuff at home was generic, so I was going to stop for the real stuff, keep the generic for the kids.

So the mouse and squirrel hunter, venus fly trap is allergic to bees. How the hell am I suppose to know if she gets stung? Do I have to carry an epi stick with me now?

I think she's full of remorse

Just look at that face. Is that the face of a killer? I think not. Buckeye just hasn't been the same since The Incident. I had her outside with me for the afternoon while I did, effing yard work. I really hate raking leaves, they're not done falling and I'll be out there again, it's an endless chore, done year after year. But the rest of the neighbors were doing it so I thought I'd better put forth the effort. Trust me, I didn't over do it, but my back still hurts. I need a nap and vodka.


I thought it would be a good idea to put on Buckeye's peace and love bandanna while we were out. It's kind of her hippy one, with peace signs and hearts. Just in case any other squirrels were out there watching her. They have to know one of their own is gone but I'm certain they don't suspect her. It all happened so fast and most of the violence was behind the bushes, in the front yard. All the squirrels hang out in our back yard. I wanted her to look harmless, I'm looking out for her reputation. I don't want her to have a bad rep in the neighborhood. And I have to say she played her part well. Sniffed around, dug a few holes and lounged around like the queen of the neighborhood. I think we can safely say the "Incident" is behind us.

I don't think she meant to kill it

Almost everyday my stomach starts to grumble around noon. That's when I start to watch the clock, my lunch is at 1:00. I planned it that way, when I get back at 2:00 the rest of the day goes by fast. It's a good plan. Most days I go home because fast food everyday doesn't appeal to me and I let the dog out. Today I also wanted to check on a sick Boy #2 and bring him some Ginger Ale because he puked all night. Please God don't let me catch the stomach flu, please, please, please.
Now that it's cold out again my flip flops have been exchanged for my cool boots. I had my CFM boots on today. Please don't ask, figure out what each letter stands for, I try to maintain a PG-13 blog.
So not being use to high heels I just need the dog to go out, pee and come right back in.
I'm so sorry Relax Max for mentioning pee in yet another post.
She should pee right away because it's raining and she's a sissy, hates the rain and will only go out in it if she really has to go bad.
"Keep an eye on her." I tell Boy #2. "Let me know if she goes, I have to get lunch."
30 seconds later, "Mom, it looks like she has something."
"What do you mean has something?"
"She's behind the bushes and I heard a weird noise."
Now I have to go out in the rain, this will screw up my hair.
"Oh my God, oh my God, she has a squirrel. What do I do? Oh my God."
Do you get the gist of me panicking?
First I see the unmistakable big squirrel tail, then the dog comes out of the bushes with the entire squirrel. And I'm out there with my high heels trying to grab the dog without getting touched by the flailing squirrel. The squirrel was panicking too, for good reason, it was in the jaws of my killer dog that's afraid of rain.
"Buckeye, let go, let go, oh my God. Come here, come, Buckeye!" The panicking continued. There was a lot of swearing. Where the hell is Boy #2? Where is he?
The dog released the squirrel and I grab her collar, dragged her in the house and Boy #2 was sitting on the steps. "Check her for any scratches."
I looked outside and the squirrel lay there twitching. More swearing. "Damn, look at it."
"She killed it.....almost."
"This is a crisis now."
"You should have seen how funny you looked on the steps trying to get her."
"I hope you throw up again."

I called the husband to fill him in on the crisis, he didn't seem to grasp the trauma I just went through.
"You know, you're going to have to come home from work and take this squirrel to the vet and they're going to have to fly in tiny instruments from El Paso and it will be a costly and difficult procedure. Once he's discharged you'll have to make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated."

You have to be a member of the Seinfeld cult to get that last line. I tried to find a YouTube clip but couldn't. Here's the script.

Buckeye's First Kill

We're pretty sure. In the two and a half years we've had Buckeye she's killed 4 comforters, 7 shoes, 38 moths and chased countless flies and bees. But the dead mouse in her backyard "space" has been identified as her first kill, by the boys.

"MOM! Buckeye killed a mouse! Hey, Boy #2! Buckeye killed a mouse!"
"Awesome. Where is it?"
"I'll show you, it's got teeth marks in it."
"Awesome."
"Wait a minute." I interrupt their delirium. "How do you know she killed it? You didn't see her do it. Check and see if she has mouse breath."
"Mom, she's got the taste for blood now, she'll be going after squirrels next. Won't ya Buckeye? Good dog."
Buckeye had no idea what all this new found attention was about but she was loving it. My baby is the sweetest dog ever, there's no way she's a mouse killer, no way.