Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Don't touch that.

I have to post this before I can finish my Christmas shopping. I've been given a deadline, by the husband who has suddenly become interested in my blog in a confrontational way.
I've been called out on my dead squirrel post and my defenses are up because I have yet to fully develop my thick writer's skin. I'm still under the false assumption that everyone loves my writing and agrees with everything I have to say. It's a nice little wall I've built around myself, although I welcome a brick being kicked out now and then. I can probably take it.
Back to the opposition and the negative review of not just the husbands but others, who shall remain nameless but you will be able to tell who they are because they will most likely not be able to contain their comments on FaceBook. As I sit typing I can see the spot where the dead squirrel is haphazardly covered with leaves on third base, most assuredly decaying in the unseasonably warm temperatures. I imagine, and I have a healthy imagination, it's covered in creepy, crawling creatures that feed on the dead. You can almost see a wave of germs seeping into the air and slowly spreading into the neighborhood. It lays there decomposing waiting for little Bobby and his friends to find it, poke it with a stick and start charging the neighborhood kids a dollar to see the dead thing on third base. If it was still on the street where roadkill belongs, it would be squished beyond recognition and it's remains would have been consumed by the vultures in the sky. That's how nature works with wild animals. I want to be clear, wild animals.
It is a mothers nightmare to think of her child poking dead things with a stick and dear God what if they touch it? Since they learned to reach out with the right and the left, we've told our kids,
"Don't touch that."
The fate of the world rests upon us moms teaching our offspring to leave dead animals untouched. They have dead germs. The kind of germs that spread out of control from little Bobby, the host, to all his little friends and then to their customers who paid a dollar to see the dead thing. These children take the dead germs home to their families and before you know it we have the Zombie Apocalypse, which I have been telling you for years is inevitable. I just didn't think it was going start across the street.
I hope this clears up any confusion on my roadkill theory.


Margaret (Nanny Goats) said...

OK, so let me get this straight. You think there's going to be dead squirrel zombie apocalypse? And that hand sanitizer is going to save you from it? That's what you're saying, right?

Sue said...

Absolutely not! Hand sanitizer won't help. You haven't seen Zombieland, have you? They were disposing of Bill freaking Murray's body. He wasn't a zombie but they killed him by mistake. You should watch this movie, highly recommend and educational.

Symdaddy said...

Zombie squirrels?

Been there! done it! Ate the lil' fornicator before he could lurch towards his first victim.

Sue said...

No, no, no, The squirrels aren't zombies. When they become roadkill and get buried in leaves and kids poke a stick at it they release dead germs which mutate into Zombie DNA.

ReformingGeek said...

The zombie DNA has already affected my cat.

Sheesh. The word is doomed.

J.C. Mogensen said...

Ideally the squirrel will bite a cat who bites a dog who bites a person who then devours a vegan while I sit back with my shotgun enjoying the delicious irony and reminding myself to "double-tap."

Anyway, always looking for new funny blogs to follow and this one totally made my list.

Relax Max said...

This is not really about the ex-Asian drycleaner, is it? That's why it didn't make sense at first. Or later either.

Sue said...

Carol - You and I both have known the world is doomed for some time now.

J. C. Morgensen - Thank you for reading and I'm glad you have the Zombie prepare list.

Relax Max - My Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude will be back. Everything I write makes perfect sense, in my head anyway.