I'm probabaly not going to let this end of the world thing go anytime soon.

I've figured out what's going on with this drought. It's all part of the events that lead up to the end of the world. If you will notice your lawn and the affect the drought has had on it, you'll smack yourself in the head and say, "Doh" too.
The lack of rain and the drying up of our lawns has made the earth start to recede from the edges of the sidewalks, driveways and streets. Some parts of earth are starting to form cracks, the jagged ones you see on TV. Obviously this is the start of the earth breaking up and swallowing mailboxes first, then cars, houses and finally large buildings. The 'step on a crack and break your mothers back' saying from when we were kids takes on a whole new scary meaning here. Stay away from the cracks!
I'm not sure where the Zombies fit into the earth swallowing everyone up, perhaps they will be roaming the earth before it is destroyed and fall in the cracks with the rest of you. And if you were wondering in case of Rapture, yes you can have my fries.

Don't touch that.

I have to post this before I can finish my Christmas shopping. I've been given a deadline, by the husband who has suddenly become interested in my blog in a confrontational way.
I've been called out on my dead squirrel post and my defenses are up because I have yet to fully develop my thick writer's skin. I'm still under the false assumption that everyone loves my writing and agrees with everything I have to say. It's a nice little wall I've built around myself, although I welcome a brick being kicked out now and then. I can probably take it.
Back to the opposition and the negative review of not just the husbands but others, who shall remain nameless but you will be able to tell who they are because they will most likely not be able to contain their comments on FaceBook. As I sit typing I can see the spot where the dead squirrel is haphazardly covered with leaves on third base, most assuredly decaying in the unseasonably warm temperatures. I imagine, and I have a healthy imagination, it's covered in creepy, crawling creatures that feed on the dead. You can almost see a wave of germs seeping into the air and slowly spreading into the neighborhood. It lays there decomposing waiting for little Bobby and his friends to find it, poke it with a stick and start charging the neighborhood kids a dollar to see the dead thing on third base. If it was still on the street where roadkill belongs, it would be squished beyond recognition and it's remains would have been consumed by the vultures in the sky. That's how nature works with wild animals. I want to be clear, wild animals.
It is a mothers nightmare to think of her child poking dead things with a stick and dear God what if they touch it? Since they learned to reach out with the right and the left, we've told our kids,
"Don't touch that."
The fate of the world rests upon us moms teaching our offspring to leave dead animals untouched. They have dead germs. The kind of germs that spread out of control from little Bobby, the host, to all his little friends and then to their customers who paid a dollar to see the dead thing. These children take the dead germs home to their families and before you know it we have the Zombie Apocalypse, which I have been telling you for years is inevitable. I just didn't think it was going start across the street.
I hope this clears up any confusion on my roadkill theory.

An idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction

I do believe I'm getting an early jump on:

Cabin fever it is an idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow). Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, paranoia, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark. The phrase is also used humorously to indicate simple boredom from being home alone.

Although I display none of the symptoms above I feel them coming on earlier than usual. Oh and I'm starting to talk to myself.

They took my car away or I'd shop. Something to do with gas spewing out of Boy #3's car. Isn't that funny how all of a sudden his car becomes inoperable once I become unemployed? And I can't seem to find my shoes. Something is going on around here and I don't like it. Maybe I should take a nap, I don't think I've had my nap today.

Being a freelance writer is hard work, all you do is write. I write all day, except for when I'm dehydrating bananas. You know for the Zombie Apocalypse? You have to travel light remember. See my last post if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's the next post down, you're not getting a link just scroll. The problem with these dehydrated bananas is that they are really good. I'm eating them as fast as I make them. I'm going to have to start making them everyday. But I don't have a car. Gah.

What day is it?

Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.

Finally I got to watch Zombieland. This is kind of, sort of a movie review and has no business being on the is blog. But only 2 people read this one, so I'm thinking even less read View of Sue, I haven't posted there since May.
But I have an unhealthy fixation on Zombies and feel compelled to warn the world or the 2 people that read my blog, of impending doom.
Since I don't believe in coincidences, my frightful weekly trip to WalMart has lead me to the realization that we haven't much time. Learn these rules and know them well:

1. Cardio
2. Double tap
3. Beware of bathrooms
4. Wear seatbelts
6. Cast iron skillet
7. Travel light
8. Get a kickass partner
12. Bounty paper towels
15. Bowling Ball
17. Don't be a hero
18. Limber up
21. Avoid strip clubs
22. When in doubt, know your way out
29. The buddy system
31. Check the back seat
32. Enjoy the little things

I do know how to count to 10, this is a list from a Zombieland website. The character, Columbus has a list of zombie survival rules he came up with that helped him survive the zombie apocalypse hence becoming one of the very few survivors in America. Not all rules were mentioned, these are the ones that were.
Woody Harrelson plays Tallahassee and this is where I got spooked. Tallahassee is in search of a Twinkie, throughout the whole movie he's looking for the last Twinkie in America. The rest of the world is just not mentioned in this movie. They are either going through their own zombie apocalypse, continent by continent or the good ol' U.S. of A is on their own as usual.
Let's get back to the Twinkie. I finally get these boys of mine to watch Zombieland with me after we got rid of the husband for the night. He had to work late but refuses to watch Zombie movies, he's going to be the first to fall prey I fear. I thought it would be funny to buy a box of Twinkies while shopping today. Aisle after aisle I filled my shopping cart with the essentials, bread, milk, Pepsi, a head of lettuce, dog treats, Peach Daiquiri with alcohol in it that you just freeze and enjoy, cheese, hamburgers, and the list goes on for a weeks worth of food. All the while keeping an eye open for Twinkies. I doubled back and back again, "Where's the effing Twinkies?"
I've come to the conclusion that people are stock piling Twinkies, coincidence, I think not.
This is Reminderville, Ohio saying good night.

Still Winter Zombies

Northeast Ohio has four seasons, Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction. We are, at this moment, in the intolerable season of Still Winter. It's the season that tries man's soul, separates the men from the boys, the season of despair, children literally bounce off the walls in complete and utter boredom, women crying in the streets, it's the season we go bat crap crazy.
March 10, 2011 and we have yet another winter storm looming in the distance. It is poised to strike at 8:00 pm this evening. We seasoned Northeast Ohioans after being fed this information, go about our day in a zombie-like state. It is futile to complain. Bring it.
Back in the season of Winter we would run to the store after hearing news of the impending doom and stock up on provisions. Not now. Now we will eat our young if we have to, we are Still Winter Zombies after all.
"Snow?"
"Yes, snow."
"More snow?"
"Approximately 4 to 12 inches, depending on where you live."
"It's been raining for 3 days, more snow?"
"Yes, snow."
I've started talking to myself, out loud.
"The floods, what about the floods?"
"I imagine they will still be there when this new snow melts."
"In particular, the flood at the beginning of our development precious. The one that has plagued our commute to work and such."
"That will most likely become a sheet of ice, making our ride into work interesting, tricksy, you might say."

I do believe I'm at the bat crap crazy stage now but I'm trying to keep it under wraps. I had a 15 minute conversation at work today about pencils, that can't be good. But who wouldn't want to hear about the best pencil ever made? The Dixon/Ticonderoga, I never knew it was the best, I listened with interest.

After 8 new epic episodes, I get my brain back

But until then it will float like a screen saver ball, haphazardly banging around the inside of my skull, rendering me useless, unable to form an intelligent thought until I find out what's going on on that stupid island.
LOST has held my brain captive this season, the final season, the one we find out all the answers. It's going to be epic. We've already found out the smoke monster is "evil incarnate"..... cool. And it can take on the form of dead people, that explains a lot. Oh and Sayid is a zombie. He was dead for two hours and came back to life, you can't argue with me on this. He's already killed the cool Japanese guy and his interpreter. This zombie situation must be addressed immediately. We all know what happens when zombies are left to run amok. And it's really not the direction I'd like to see the show go in. They need to chop off Sayid's head.
As much as I have been looking forward to this final season, I'll be glad when it's over too. I want reasonable thoughts to flow through my head again instead of trying to figure out why Richard hasn't aged in like 200 years.

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This is the latest excuse as to why I don't post often enough for Relax Max.

For When The Zombies Attack

"I found another box of canned goods in the garage. What's it doing there?" The husband asked me with his 'I already know the answer to this question but I what to hear you say it out loud' voice.'
"For when the zombies attack dear."
"You watched Shaun of The Dead again?"
"If it can happen to a bunch of people in England, it can happen to us."
"Our youngest child sleeps with a golf club next to his bed because he knows you have to remove the head or kill the brain."

So I have some food stored away. There's nothing wrong with being prepared. We live in Northeast Ohio, the place where weathermen threaten us with "lake effect" snow and "Alberta Clippers" on a daily basis throughout our excruciatingly long winter. Any day we could wake up to 10 feet of snow barricading our first and secondary exits. Well I have enough tuna and Spam to last us a month if necessary.

I did watch Shaun of the Dead Saturday and I can't get Don't Stop Me Now by Queen out of my head. Caution "F" word:

There Were Zombies

Not often do I remember my dreams. After extensive research into dreams and how they work, I asked a guy at work, I found out that you only remember the dreams you have when your not in a deep sleep. REM, I think. I'm a deep sleeper. The only thing that can wake me from a deep sleep are the boys. It's a mom thing. From the time I brought them home from the hospital, that mom alarm went into effect.

Saturday night I remembered a dream and there were Zombies. My dream was just starting when the dog decided to dramatically shift position. She sleeps in between the husband and I. She'll get up and turn around in a tight circle, round and round, and then flop down in the same spot she started. She's a drama queen.
The Zombies were just starting to wake up in my dream and I was right in the middle of them, I would have liked to see where we were going with that. I've seen enough Zombie movies to know that you have to hit them in the head to kill them. I've been playing softball since I was a kid, I have a pretty good swing.
I guess the dog sensed my disappointment, when we woke in the morning she had moved to the couch. Either she was scared of the Zombies coming back, she didn't want to wake me again or she was trying to make me feel bad. I didn't even know she left, I was in a deep sleep of course. The rest of my dreams were lost to me.