Mo Fo No No Na Na Ha Ha Ho Ho Sue's Writing Challenge

I'm challenging myself, so writer friends, don't freak out. I haven't been writing. I could go into a whole litany of excuses but I will spare you.

The dog and I haven't been going on our morning walks for about 2 weeks now. I blame myself. I blamed the holidays, the rainy weather and my sinuses. Today we marched out the door.
Into the snow and ill equipped. It's just a light snow here in Northeast, Ohio, you can still see the grass poking through. So I wore my regular shoes. I found out they have no traction whatsoever. I pulled some muscles. Also, I inadvertently impaired my hearing and peripheral vision.
You have to bundle up when walking in the snow or you'll freeze your ass off. And speaking of asses. That homeless man on The Day After Tomorrow was right when he said to stuff your clothes with newspaper and plastic bags to keep warm. When the dog pooped and I took the plastic bag out of my back pocket, my right ass cheek felt an instant chill.
I also had a hood on, then wrapped a scarf around my neck, high enough to cover my mouth and flipped up my collar. This resulted in muffled hearing and the peripheral vision problem. So when a woman that lives in one of the condos behind my house said,
"Good morning."
My response was,
"Ahhhh!"
Didn't see her, didn't hear her coming. Didn't see the squirrels until the dog started to run after them, which caused me to slip because my shoes, not boots, had no traction.
I'll be going through my closet this afternoon looking for boots that don't leak, don't make my socks bunch up and of course, traction. Because the dog and I will be marching out the door tomorrow morning and the rest of the weeks to come. Unless it's really windy, below 20°, or raining.

My missing blue gloves

With my big, heavy leather jacket, scarf wrapped around my neck five times, I reached inside my pockets for my blue gloves. Empty pockets? I always put my gloves away. But last night when we got home, the husband and I had our arms full as we trekked into the house.
I had dishes to wash, things on my mind (I never really function well when I'm deep in thought ), wrestling with a time table because I had TV shows to watch and a dog that wanted out every 10 minutes. My blue gloves got shoved in the back of my brain that I have a hard time accessing.
So this afternoon when I was ready to face 7 degrees because I had stuff to do I could not remember where those gloves were. The last time I remembered seeing them they were in my lap in the car that Boy #3 had taken to work. My light jacket had lighter gloves and I put those on and ventured out into the arctic tundra.
Now the lighter gloves are those mitten/gloves. My fingers stick out just below the first knuckle unless I flip over the half mitten. They are cool but impractical when cleaning 3 inches of snow off a car because your pinkie finger always manages to pop out of the makeshift mitten. Frost bite was immanent. I made a mental note to inquire about my blue gloves when Boy #3 got home.
Boy #1 has been staying with us during this cold winter blast because he is closer to work. The husband was also out today. When #3 got home I asked him if my blue gloves were in the car. Here is the conversation that followed:

Boy #3: No, they're not in the car they're on the side of the driveway.
The Husband: Are those the ones you were looking for earlier? I was wondering why they were in the driveway.
Boy #1: Blue gloves? Yeah I saw them this morning in the driveway.
Boy# 3: Do you want me to go get them?

The rest, of the conversation came from me which I shouldn't repeat.
But, WTF?

Bitching and moaning about the weather, just to get it out of my system

On March 10th Northeast, Ohio enjoyed a sunshine and lollipop day with 50 degree temperatures. Native Northeast Ohioans know it's a cruel trick from Mother Nature. But we never learn and our biggest mistake is enjoying the warm weather in March too much. In the back of our brains where we store the weather memories there is a tiny voice telling us,
"Winter isn't over, pace yourself and Jesus, Mary and Joseph, don't do anything stupid."
I have compiled a list of the stupid:
1. Do not look for a pair of shorts and your flip flops.
2. Do not put any sweaters away, even the big bulky wool one that itches if you wear in a temperature above 7 degrees.
3. Look at the picture of my front steps. See the snow shovel propped up against the steps? That will be there until June 1st. Never put your snow shovels away in March, ever."
4. Snow blowers (see stupid #3) Cousin Mike, I hope you are reading this. You put your snow blower away, admitted it and now see what you've done. Part of this is your fault and I told you so. Pretty sure I swore at you too.
5. It's too early to play corn hole.
6. The rock salt that you have near the front door to keep from cracking your head open by slipping on the icy steps, leave it there all year. Just put an umbrella in front of it, people will understand.
7. When we are driving stay out of our way because we have only scraped enough ice off our windshield to see straight ahead until the defroster melts the rest. Seriously, we can't see when we are driving in March snow.
8. Rodents with cutesy names don't know there ass from a hole in the ground. Expecting them to predict the weather.....stupid.
9. If you have just moved to our lovely part of the fruited plain we expect a mistake or two the first couple years. But if you keep it up we will be at your doorstep with pitch forks and torches.
10. Don't enjoy yourself too much, this bares repeating.
There you have it, my expert non-jinxing weather advice.

Just one more thing. I had an essay published in the online parent magazine The Imperfect Parent. Go to this link and click on the thumbs up 'like' button: Let's pretend you didn't break your arm and go on vacation

Then maybe I'll look popular and they will give me more assignments. This will be the last time I bug you for this, probably.

Here's how it happened.....the phenomenon

It all started in the garage. The husband and Boy #3 were cleaning in there. Yes I know, cleaning the garage, it's one of those jobs that is more like a punishment. But they were just cleaning it for the hell of it. That's what they tell me anyway. I know it's because they can't find stuff when they are reconstructing my house.
So you can imagine my surprise when I saw a bag of rock salt next to the front door. And when I took a look see in the garage I saw the sn, sn....I can't say it, shovels neatly stacked in the front corner. Three of them, one for each kid, that's how it works, don't let anyone tell you different.
In addition to this all of my sweaters are out of the cedar chest, washed, dried and hanging in my closet. We are prepared. This is very scary for our house full of procrastinators.
Usually the first time the steps are iced over this conversation ensues:
"Did we have any rock salt left over from last year?"
"Can't remember."
"Have you seen any half filled bags of rock salt down there?"
"Don't think so."
"Well the next time one of us is out we need to pick up a bag."
"K."
"Are you listening to me?"
"Huh?"
The first time the driveway needs to be shoveled this is the conversation I have with the shovelers, which has dwindled down to one this year:
"Are the shovels in the shed?"
"Can't we just buy a sn.....?"
"Shovels. Where are they?"
"I don't know."
"You have to find them and start shoveling. I'd help but I have a bad back. And when your father and I made a list of the Pros and Cons of having children, shoveling was like third on the list of Pros. Don't make me regret our decision, get out there."
And when it gets cold, I put off dragging my sweaters out of the cedar chest. So I wear my gray hoodie every single day of the week, people start to talk. The phenomenon is that we are, as far as we are concerned, prepared for the winter season. The only explanation for this is that we will have a very light winter. Your welcome Northeast Ohioans.
There is another plausible scenario and that is that while watching the squirrels scoop up and hide a bumper crop of acorns, more than I can ever remember falling in our yard, they, the squirrels, have sent us telepathic winter warnings while running back and forth across our roof.
Time will tell.

Still Winter Zombies

Northeast Ohio has four seasons, Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction. We are, at this moment, in the intolerable season of Still Winter. It's the season that tries man's soul, separates the men from the boys, the season of despair, children literally bounce off the walls in complete and utter boredom, women crying in the streets, it's the season we go bat crap crazy.
March 10, 2011 and we have yet another winter storm looming in the distance. It is poised to strike at 8:00 pm this evening. We seasoned Northeast Ohioans after being fed this information, go about our day in a zombie-like state. It is futile to complain. Bring it.
Back in the season of Winter we would run to the store after hearing news of the impending doom and stock up on provisions. Not now. Now we will eat our young if we have to, we are Still Winter Zombies after all.
"Snow?"
"Yes, snow."
"More snow?"
"Approximately 4 to 12 inches, depending on where you live."
"It's been raining for 3 days, more snow?"
"Yes, snow."
I've started talking to myself, out loud.
"The floods, what about the floods?"
"I imagine they will still be there when this new snow melts."
"In particular, the flood at the beginning of our development precious. The one that has plagued our commute to work and such."
"That will most likely become a sheet of ice, making our ride into work interesting, tricksy, you might say."

I do believe I'm at the bat crap crazy stage now but I'm trying to keep it under wraps. I had a 15 minute conversation at work today about pencils, that can't be good. But who wouldn't want to hear about the best pencil ever made? The Dixon/Ticonderoga, I never knew it was the best, I listened with interest.

Someone! Please take the pork chops out of the freezer in the garage!

Forcast: Buckets of snow

Cause: Lake effect

Why: Cuz it's winter

Attitude: Pissy

I ran out of the house this morning knowing it would take me longer to get to work. So I hastily wrote a note and left it on the kitchen counter, "Some one! Please take the pork chops out of the freezer in the garage!" I grabbed my coffee and ran out the door. I didn't even sign it, "Love, mom." I was that stressed. So as I sit eating my lunch I'm really not sure if we are having pork chops or grilled cheese tonight. Bread! I need bread! I must stop for snow storm provisions.......again. Do we need milk? At this point who the hell cares. I'm so over these snow storms.

Anyway, Buckeye is enjoying it. She buries her nose in the snow and eats it.

It is now 9:00 pm, still snowing and we had pork chops.

Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here

And the snow continues to fall, documented information of the great snowfall of December, 2010 :

I took two vacation days on Dec. 6th and 7th to hang out with mother, you know, Christmas shop and to do lunch. Instead the snow began to fall Sunday and has not stopped. Mother and I, via a telephone conversation decided Monday to stay home, off the treacherous roads. Tuesday our AM conversation consisted of a little bit of swearing, she's the one that taught me how to swear but will deny it, bad mouthing Mother Nature and a general pissy attitude where we decided to try again Saturday.

"Saturday?" She said, "Why don't you just quit that job?"

"Then you'd have to pay for lunch mom."

"Oh, let's try Saturday then."

I stayed in the house all day Monday and all day Tuesday. So I feel I have a jump on cabin fever. See, I'm going to go crazy first. Being cooped up in the house for long periods of time seems appealing to you at first. You can get stuff done like, catch up on all the sitcoms you recorded over the fall and never got around to watching. Eat ice cream for lunch. Stay in your jammies all day or at least late in the day and just hurry up and get dressed before anyone gets home from work, that way the won't suspect you are on you way to going off the deep end sooner than usual. The trick is to keep crazy to yourself as long as possible, wait for everyone to catch up to you, because they will. It's a natural transition from our carefree 2, maybe 3 weeks of summer in Northeast, Ohio to Almost Winter, Winter and Still Winter. Once we all catch up to the same kind of crazy, we can start to climb the walls, throw on a pair of boots while still in our bathrobes to get the mail, flip off the snow plow that sends snow from the street back into your driveway you just got done shoveling, stop caring whether our hats, gloves and scarves match, hell as long as you have a left and right glove it really doesn't matter what color they are does it? Yeah we have some good times coming our way baby. Northeast, Ohio weather, yeah wonderful, really.

I was thinkin' Arby's

Probably I should have stayed at work Wednesday. But my car and I decided to drive sideways to Arby's for lunch. I have an emergency can of soup in my desk for such occasions, you know when it has been snowing non-stop for 24 hours and the roads are a mess and the frightened stay for lunch in the lunch room. But I wasn't in the mood for a can soup, I was thinkin' Arby's. Once that little outline of a Arby's hat pops up above your head you're screwed.
Either the snow plows were under-manned or they just gave up, decided maybe, "Oh just let them slide into a ditch, I don't care anymore." Because I slid like I haven't slid in a long time. Or maybe after years of driving my 4 wheel drive SUV and now this year have had an all-wheel drive compact car forced upon me, I'm out of whack and haven't got the feel of this thing I'm driving. I don't know how or why I ended up driving the car that was suppose to be the husbands but I am. It has a good CD player in it, so the tunes don't skip when I hit a pot-hole or, God help me, end up in a ditch on my way to Arby's.

See If You Can Detect The Note Of Sarcasm

How wonderful it was to wake up to an inch, and climbing, of fresh fallen snow this morning. After enjoying a week of a clear driveway, we can now start shoveling again. Years of snow removal experience has taught us a few tricks, start the car 10 minutes before work so the windows defrost, this way you jump in, roll down the windows and the excess snow falls off. But not this morning, the window were frozen shut. So for extra fun I got to scrap and scrap, while the snow blew down sideways. As the snow swirled around me I wondered just why I spent all that time on my hair. I was also treated to popping the SUV into 4 wheel drive to avoid sliding into a ditch, it was a exciting drive into work. Upon my arrival, I navigated my way through the parking lot carrying extra shoes, lunch, purse and coffee without peripheral vision, because I got to wear my heavy jacket with the big hood again.
Mother Nature, you ignorant slut.

The Adventure That Is WalMart

For those of you who have never experienced a "big snow" like we Northerner's just experienced, I thought I'd paint you a picture. Imagine a parking lot if you will, say WalMart. When a foot of snow dumps on an area like a parking lot, it's only logical that the establishment plows the snow away to avoid chaos. There has been some plowing in that parking lot, I'll give them that, but not a whole hell of a lot. When every other car you see has spinning tires, some more plowing should be done. This is how I felt as I drove into WalMarts parking lot, there are other stores in that shopping area, but I'm just blaming it on WalMart.
I drove my four-wheel drive SUV into the parking lot,
"What the &%$@? Don't they know what a &$@$*%# plow is for? Are they total A$$&$@%'s?"
That's how I sound when I'm in my car by myself! It's a great stress reliever, to swear like a drunken sailor.
After my profanity laced outburst, I laughed a little laugh. I have four wheel drive, what the hell do I care. Four wheel drive vehicles make you cocky. So already I'm cocky and self assured, a dangerous combination when it's the end of the week and so few precious brain cells are active. I got the brain cells, it's just that at the end of the week, starting my lazy weekends, I put some of them to sleep. Why clutter your head with rational thoughts when it's not really necessary? Well I'll tell you why. Because shopping carts don't have four wheel drive. Cocky and self assurance went out the window while I pulled my shopping cart inch by inch through the un-plowed, snow covered, adventure that is WalMart.

Talking About The Snow

Last time I checked, I had three boys. That's 27 months of being an incredibly uncomfortable pregnant woman and roughly 34 hours of labor. 23 years of accumulated gray hairs. About 7 trips to the emergency room. 9,357 hours of lost sleep and still counting. So I ask you................

Why in the name of Zeus's butt hole did I just shovel the driveway?

The dog tried to help but she's fighting a losing battle, no opposable thumbs. Look at the poor thing, her koochie pop is buried in the snow and she's still peeing like a trooper.

Taking my life in my own hands I ventured off to work Wednesday morning after Mother Nature dumped a foot of snow onto Northeast Ohio. Dumped in a short amount of time. Which makes traveling hazardous. What usually takes me 15 minutes to get to work took me an hour. I should have gone to the bathroom before I left. I don't remember ever driving in such bad conditions.
Nothing got done at work because we were all talking about the snow, those of us that made it in. We were sent home at noon. And then this morning we wasted another hour or two talking about the snow. Tomorrow more snow is expected. Where's my heating pad?

A Winter Weather Warning Is In Effect

I'm snowed in today along with my family, I fear cabin fever maybe setting in. Every time the snowplow rumbles by the house the dog has to run up to the window and bark at it just to show the neighborhood who's boss. The dog is also having a hard time finding a place to pee, as the snow is up to her twat. Then she gets her leash wrapped around the light post and barks at me. She knows she has to go around it because as soon as I put on my fake Uggs and get lured out in the snow she unwinds herself and runs up the steps.

I had a Mrs. Kravitz moment today: The neighbor across the street drove into his driveway with his car and then backed out, drove in, backed out, drove in and backed out. Me, having nothing better to do, watched with interest.
"What's this moron doing?"
The only thing I could think of, is that he was trying to smoosh down the snow to avoid shoveling. I haven't had a Mrs. Kravitz moment for a while, I'll need to stare mindlessly out my office window more often, the neighbors never disappoint.
It seems I am now in charge of keeping the fire going in the fireplace, since the husband has fallen asleep. He couldn't take all the winter weather warnings streaming across the bottom of his TV screen. Boy #3 is hiding in his room, he knows I will soon present him with a shovel. I can be patient, he's going to get hungry soon.

I Think This Is My Fault

My last words on my last post were.......
I would love some snow right now.

Then while I slept under my new, lovely shade of cream colored comforter with two muddy paw-prints on it, it snowed. An arctic blast blew through Northeast Ohio, leaving a hell of a commute to work for those of us that had to go to work and not have the day off. Huh....
Should I blame it on that old tired saying, 'Be careful what you wish for.' I just wanted the mud covered up for a couple months so I could train the dog to wipe her paws. She could totally do it too. She's smart.
Maybe I have a blogging genie that's granting me wishes, I've made a few new blogging buddies over at Humor-Blogs.com. Maybe I've rub someone the right way. Ha! Thank you all by the way for the Smiley Votes and yes, I vote for myself, but it's just to see if the vote smiley thingamajig is working right.
Now don't forget my Financial Advice for tonight, given a couple days ago. I'm going to have to start a Financial Blog now, especially if this works.......
I would love a million dollars right now.

For When The Zombies Attack

"I found another box of canned goods in the garage. What's it doing there?" The husband asked me with his 'I already know the answer to this question but I what to hear you say it out loud' voice.'
"For when the zombies attack dear."
"You watched Shaun of The Dead again?"
"If it can happen to a bunch of people in England, it can happen to us."
"Our youngest child sleeps with a golf club next to his bed because he knows you have to remove the head or kill the brain."

So I have some food stored away. There's nothing wrong with being prepared. We live in Northeast Ohio, the place where weathermen threaten us with "lake effect" snow and "Alberta Clippers" on a daily basis throughout our excruciatingly long winter. Any day we could wake up to 10 feet of snow barricading our first and secondary exits. Well I have enough tuna and Spam to last us a month if necessary.

I did watch Shaun of the Dead Saturday and I can't get Don't Stop Me Now by Queen out of my head. Caution "F" word:

Big Snow

Thursday the snow started to fall, I think it was Thursday. We can't call it a blizzard, just a good covering of snow. Enough to cover the leaves that never got raked, so our yard looks like everyone else's now. The dog woke up to the snow covered neighborhood with utter excitement, she bopped around from one window to the next, her ears perked up and tail wagging and said, "Can I, can I, huh, huh, huh, can I go out and play, huh, huh?"
My dog talks to me with her eyes, I know that's what she would have said if she could really talk.
So I clipped her onto her chain and off she went to frolic in the snow. Had tethering the boys to a chain when they wanted to go out and play been an option a few years ago I'd be saving a lot of money on hair coloring right now.
Being totally unprepared for this winter just like every other year, I went to the Wal-Mart to purchase my first, of many, bags of rock salt for my icy front steps. You have to wonder, having the aisles stocked with an ample supply of snow removal items, why am I risking my life in the Wal-mart parking lot? They were as unprepared as I was for the first big snow. Open up a few bags of salt guys, so I can push this shopping cart to my car.
One more big snow thought for the day. Since Uncle Silly Willy and Aunt Fluffy headed south for the winter, I should be getting a call from them soon asking me how the weather is and then hearing a giggle.

The Weekend Wallop

Ummmm...... It hasn't stopped snowing since Friday morning. This morning I was outside with Boy #2 helping him clean off my car so he could get to work. I made him take mine, it's 4 wheel drive. He's is now safely home and I can stop worrying. The snow is twice as high as it is in the picture and still coming down. Digging out maybe a little more than I thought it would be Monday morning. The weatherman here in Northeast Ohio, the legendary Dick Goddard, is calling it The Weekend Wallop!

Northeast Ohio Getting Clobbered

The weatherman can be so dramatic. For anyone that's lived in this area for any length of time, it's just snowing, all weekend. But we are forced to listen to the end of the world weather forecasts and have weather bulletins trailing across the bottom of our TV screen for the weekend. The husband has a fire going in the fireplace. The dogs has camped out in front of it. We have some DVD's from the library and a fridge full of food. We will dig ourselves out Monday.

Bring It On Baby!

Here comes the snow and I say bring it on baby! I live in Northeast Ohio, it snows plenty here. Whether you complain, pray or cry, the snow is coming and it's staying until March. Last year we had more snow than we had in a long time. While Boy #2, Boy #3 and I were shoveling about two feet of the shh .... stuff last winter I asked them if they ever remember having this much snow before.

In unison, "No."

Then what came out of my mouth next was the sound of somebodies grandmother, "I remember back in '76 or no was it '77 ....... we had so much snow we had a whole week off of school."

Let it snow, I've seen it all and I'm ready. Besides, snow is cleaner than rain. Once that ground freezes I don't have to clean mud off the dogs paws.