Sunday, December 12, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen the douche has left the building

Went to WalMart. WooHoo. Got a WalMart post.
First of all I knew there was a WalMart post brewing when I walked into the Exit door. WalMart post after WalMart post I've continually looked down upon the mindless shoppers that cannot or will not read the huge signs above the two big doors, "EXIT" and "ENTRANCE", creating pandemonium with every step they take. But today I walked up to the ENTRANCE and the door wouldn't open. "Huh?" I said to myself. "Did I lose weight?" I jumped up and down a little bit. The door didn't open and I looked like a WalMart idiot, then I walked in the EXIT door. Of course I got a look from a woman that is probably blogging about me right now.
With our second major snow event of the blessed holiday season breathing down our necks, ready to create havoc on my "only 14 shopping days left until Christmas" plans, it was necessary to stock up on provisions. We needed everything and if I wasn't going to be able to shop then I'd have to bake. I needed flour and nuts.
I meandered through the aisles, checking everything off my list, even "D". That's what I write on my list when I want to remember to buy douche, a four pack. By the time I got to the check out I started to wonder why I hadn't had my blogging epiphany yet. Was I just a pawn in the WalMart blogging world? Someone else's blogging fodder? And then it happened, oh it was a good one. I loaded my provisions onto the conveyor belt so my male cashier could "ring me up". As he swiped away, I unloaded, he bagged and I unloaded, it's suppose to be a big storm. I grabbed the box of "D" and the box broke open on the bottom. Huh. The young man continued to swipe my big snow storm provisions, oblivious to the embarrassing moment quickly approaching him on the conveyor belt. I carefully slid the box to the end and locked eyes with the woman behind me. She followed my eyes to the broken box. "How can I avoid certain embarrassed to that poor kid? How do I stop these douche bags from tumbling out all over the conveyor belt?" This, I had to whisper to her as she had her young son with her. Let me tell you she was no help at all as she tried desperately to suppress laughter.
The douche got closer.
Certain embarrassment for that poor kid, not me, I'm passed that stage, but him, I was sure he'd be scared for life if I didn't do something quick. Think, think......tape. I locked eyes again with the woman behind me and she came up with the same idea.....tape. Our eyes darted back and forth, up and down. There should be tape on display everywhere, it's Christmas, we have to wrap. No tape. Dear God there was no tape. Okay, here's what we'll do:
With the box in hand I said, "I'm going to swipe this open box for you and save you from the inevitable embarrassment, is that okay?"
"Yes, yes thank you."
Awkwardly I wrapped my arm around the register.
"Ma'am, you swiped it twice, let me just...."
"That's okay, I'll pay for it twice."
"No, just let me push this button and you swipe it again."
"Oh, okay."
I swiped and bagged in one felt swoop.
Ladies and Gentlemen the douche has left the building.


Symdaddy said...

Are you kidding?

No one is embarrassed by that sort of thing any more.

I recently went shopping and bought (for the ladies of the household) a range of 'girlie' things.

No red face anywhere ... at least until the condoms arrived at the end of the belt.

The female cashier picked them up gingerly, thumb and forefinger, and swept them past the scanner with such a look of disdain.

"Better safe than sorry!" I said.

"Shouldn't even be on sale" she mumbled before quoting me the total price.

ReformingGeek said...

Oopsy douchy!

"Douche Lady enters through the exit door dragging toilet paper on her shoe and then hands out douche bags at the check-out...."

Oh, you didn't know about the toilet paper?

Anonymous said...

OMG best blog yet!!! Too funny!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

This is a fantastic post, Sue. Truly hilarious and beautifully written. Somewhere in heaven--or would it be hell?--Sam Walton is smiling right now.

Sue said...

Symdaddy - Funny you should mention condoms. A couple visits to WalMart ago I rounded the corner to find 4 teenage boys in front of the condom display giggling. I despartly want to snap a picture but had to cover and they would have now if was me. I was goin to send it to Thepeopleof

Carol - I refuse to be known as the douche lady. Unless this post makes me famous.

Anonymous - Thank you very much. Who the hell are you?

Mike - Thank you. Your're not just blowing smoke up my ass are you? I'm planning on taking creative writing classes after the holidays and I don't want to embarrass myself.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Nope, I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass. I never blow smoke on anything except pork ribs. Yum! You're a good writer, Sue, and I'll bet you have a blast taking creative writing. It'll probably help you, too, assuming the teacher's any good. Even if he/she isn't, the process of being creative with a bunch of other creative types is always fun. I'd like to take one again myself.

Sue said...

Thank you Mike!