Elevator Conversations

How the conversation actually went:
I stepped into the elevator on my way to my doctors office and pushed floor 3.
"The third floor? All the way to the top? What's up there?"
The old man who had pushed floor 2 smiled as he asked me. I responded,
"Girl stuff."
The elevator mercifully opened and he quickly stepped on to floor 2 shaking his head.
Hey he asked. I answered without elaboration.

How the conversation went in my head while I sat in the waiting room:
I stepped into the elevator on my way to my doctors office and pushed floor 3.
"The third floor? All the way to the top? What's up there?"
The old man who had pushed floor 2 smiled as he asked me. I responded in wide eyed disbelief,
"You don't know?"
And in turn the old mans eyes widened and said,
"Uhh no."
"Seriously? You're not fooling around with me are you?"
"No."
I looked at him and explained,
"I'm going to get my GPS chip inserted into my brain. Didn't you get your information packet?"
"Huh?"
I rolled my eyes and continued,
"Everyone is suppose to get a GPS chip in their brain. That way if you ever get kidnapped they'll be able to find you, no matter where you are, they will always know. It's just minor outpatient brain surgery. Actually they put it in the brain stem. They only have to shave a little bit of your hair and that will grow back but you'll still be able to see the tattoo."
"Tattoo?"
"You don't know about that either? They tattoo 666 on the back of your head."
"Who?"
"The global government. It's in it's early stages but should be in effect by 2015. You really should get up to speed on this, if you miss the deadline they put an extra 6 back there."
"Huh?"
"Hey? You're not one of those right wing Christian nut jobs are you, that think you're going to disappear and your clothes, jewelry and dental work will be piled neatly were you stood?"
The elevator mercifully opened and he quickly stepped on to floor 2 shaking his head.

See what happens when my words bottle up in my head? That elevator conversation will stay in my head unless someone really deserves it, like the man at the Cleveland Clinic. If I should ever run into that smart ass again, I'll try to make him pee his pants.

A texting log of Day 1

The following is a text log of our first day of travel:
9:40 am: My text to Boy #1 and Daughter-in-law #1 - On the road. We have driven 1 mile and still getting along.
Daughter-in-law #1 - Yay I can't wait to see u
My text to Boy #1 and Daughter-in-law #1 - Preliminary plans are being made on first rest stop. Have to pee. Words have been exchanged on stopping for breakfast.
Boy #1 - LOL still in ohio
My text to Boy #1 and Daughter-in-law #1 - In WV. Didn't get breakfast. Dad said I haven't annoyed him yet and he thought I would have by now. He's getting on my nerves.
Daughter-in-law #1 - LOL ur making good time
Boy #1 - LOL he talkin 2 much
Boy #1 - How do you like the WV mountains
My text to Boy #1 - Sorry for the delayed response found an antique shop. WV mountains are beautiful.

This is when we lost contact with the world in the West Virginia mountains. When I got my signal back I added Boy #3 to the texting conversation.

My text to Boy #1 and Daughter-in-law #1 and Boy #3 - We are now at the yelling at each other point but laughing about it. The GPS is trying to drive us off a bridge because dad called her a bitch right at the start of our trip. We are now using the google map that I'm reading. I'm scared.
Boy #3 - Thats a great way to start a vacation lol

The GPS bitch just told us to turn right into a mountain. She hates us. She seems to be trying to lull us into a false sense of security and then pulling a quick right turn. I'm on to her.

We were making good time, about 50 miles away from our agreed area to get a room but hit a bumper to bumper stand still traffic jamb. Damn.
7:00 pm - We are uncertain as to what state we are in. At some point we missed the "Welcome to North Carolina" sign. The GPS lady really has us rattled.

Having a great time wish you were here!

Jury Duty Part 1, maybe the only part

Okay, I'm officially scared, I just saw convicts. Honest to God, orange striped jumpsuit in handcuffs, convicts. And there's a lot of them, I'm not getting out of here anytime soon. I knew I should have worn my Rush Limbaugh T-shirt.

The convicts were out in the hallway and so are the bathrooms, so I've stopped drinking my water and there will be no coffee for me even if it's free. They give you free tokens and validate your parking.

I parked way to far away, 2 blocks. If it's raining when I leave, I'm screwed. I just drove into a parking garage hoping it was close to the court house. 2 blocks away, I'm an idiot. The 8:30 arrival time is loosely observed. I don't think we are going to start until 9:00. The 8:30 time is for us country bumpkins that can't negotiate the big city. I really, really hope I can find my car if I ever get to leave. The husband called when I first got here, he knows all too well that I could have easily ended up in Pennsylvania. He had to check to see if I made it into the Jury Assembly Room. Being directionally retarded, I've cost him a few gray hairs. But I put full trust in the GPS lady, except for the time she wanted me to drive off a bridge, she has never failed me. I also had my map quest map and we all know that those are never wrong, I was in good hands.

I must look like a geek in this Jury Assembly Room, they probably think I'm taking notes on the video they are showing us. What a group of happy people I'm sitting with. I want to go home.

It's only a matter of time before I start making up names and attaching stories to them. I've already picked out "I'm above all this" lady. She's so much better than the rest of us. I have to pee. The bailiff is now fielding phone calls from the people that haven't shown up. Apparently you can come in the next day if you have a good enough excuse and can fax in a doctors excuse.

Wait, somethings happening.

The first group was called and I'm not in it, either is "I'm above all this" lady. Groups are starting to form and people are starting to talk, I've chosen to observe and keep to myself. This ends part 1 of my Jury Duty experience.

Stay tuned.

GPS Push for Mother's Day

I’m what you call directionally challenged. Someone can give me general instructions to get me somewhere and I’ll say to them, “Yeah but, which way do I turn when I get to the end of my driveway?” Then realization sets in and they get out the maps and compasses, paper and pencil, the cell phone numbers and overnight emergency bags with snacks. I would rather be a passenger, look at the pretty scenery and asking the husband if he’s sure he knows where he’s going.

I know there are technological advances in the way of driving direction to avoid getting lost now a days. I can’t think of anyone that needs a GPS Pal more than me. That’s why I plan on a GPS push for Mother’s Day. Those boys would be lost without me, it should be up to them to make sure I get to my destinations without incident.

The GPS Pal fits right in your cup holder, don’t worry I have two cup holders, I can still stop for my Mocha. It can be moved from one vehicle to another, which is a good thing, I’ll probably only have this car of mine for one more year. It would be nice to have GPS directions in the car with me instead of trying to decipher a map or follow someone. I’m known for my poor navigational skills and the last guy I followed to a travel baseball game, grinned at me and said, “Try to keep up.”