Guess what's in the package

When I came home from shopping today I grabbed the mail. There was a package in there. Huh. I didn't remember ordering anything. I deduced that it had to be for Boy #3. I wrestled my mail, my cup of mocha, some of my groceries and said package into the house. Upon further investigation, actually looking at the recipient label, it had daughter-in-law #2's maiden name on it. Huh. She had lived here at one time so it wasn't a big surprise.
After unloading this weeks provisions, extra provisions, in case it never stops snowing, I called daughter-in-law #2. Boy #2 answered,
"Why are you calling my wife and not me? Don't you care about me anymore?"
My response,
"I do care about you, I love you. I just overlook you now because you harbor my beloved grandson and I received a package for your wife."
In the background I could hear grandson #1 babbling and cartoons on the TV. Boy #2 asked me,
"A package? What's in it?"
"Well it isn't see through and I didn't open it. But it's in an envelope."
"Who's it from?"
"Uhhh, it just says VS."
"B what?"
"V as in Victor, S as in Sam."
"C what?"
If you know this kid of mine, then you know this would have gone on forever but I nipped it in the bud,
"I know you're doing this on purpose, tell your wife I have a package over here."
I must have been on speaker because I heard daughter-in-law #2 ask,
"What's in it?"
Boy #2 asked me what it felt like. I really had no particular plans for the rest of the day so I played 'guess what's in the package'. I started to feel up the envelope,
"Okay, I want to say it's clothing because it's soft. But wait. There's a hard thing in there, like a wire. It's U-shaped. Oh there's another one. Could it be under-wire? I think it's a bra. It's a bra. There's a bra in this package."
And I heard daughter-in-law #2 say,
"Oh that's right, I remember ordering it now."
Boy #2 said,
"VS as in Victoria Secret?"
"Yep."
Who doesn't love a good mystery? I told boy #2,
"I'll have your brother drop it off after work one day this week."
"Yeah mom. Have my brother drop off my wife's bra."

WILSON!!!!!!!!!

If you've been paying attention you know that the dog has an unhealthy obsession with her mini basketball. An unhealthy obsession that we've encouraged, we named it Wilson. She will now run to find it when we say, "Where's Wilson?" It's 7 degrees outside, we're bored. "Hey?" I asked, "Should we be worried if we find a bloody paw print on that thing and it looks like a face?"

Wilson disappeared, I'm going to say Thursday. The entire family would take turns looking under things. Checking her usual hiding places and discussing at dinner, where the hell is Wilson? The dog didn't look upset but we kept the conversation quiet and referred to Wilson as "it" as we tried to figure out our next move. Can we trick her and buy a new one? Let's face it, we were more upset than the dog. Our new source of amusement went missing. WILSON!!!!!
Boy #3 and I, the stubborn ones, started to look again, Saturday I think. "The last place I saw it was in my room, on the bed." Because not only do I share a bed with a Restless Leg Syndrome/Sleep Apnea husband, but also a dog with her squeak toy.
Boy #3 started hitting the bed thinking it was under the covers somewhere, the dog watched with interest. "We're looking for Wilson, baby, we'll find him." She cocked her head to the side and walked off down the hall.
"You upset her mom."
"Look under the bed, she's fine."
Then, swear to God and all that's holy, the dog jumps up on the bed with Wilson in her mouth and gently lays him between her paws.
Boy #3 was talking to me but I wasn't listening. I just stood there with my mouth open, I was trying to speak but couldn't.
Then syllables started to come out of my mouth, "Wha, di, ha, ti?" I was trying to get Boy #3's attention. He popped up from under the bed and looked at me.
"What?"
I pointed to Wilson.
Boy #3 was stunned, rocked to his core. "Where did that come from?"
"She just brought it in here, I swear."
"We looked everywhere for that."
"She came from the living room."
"Dad's in there."
We sprang to the doorway, momentarily getting stuck in the door jamb like a 3 Stooges movie and ran down the hall.
"The dog found Wilson, did you see where.................."
"Huh?"
We stopped in our tracks, the husband was thumbing through a Victoria Secret Valentine's Day Flyer, he saw nothing, I'm sure of it.
"There's only one explanation mom, you know it and I know it."
I rubbed my temples and eyes, pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes shut really tight.
"She's found a doorway to the second dimension."
"Yeah, I know, she's a very smart dog."

I think I might detect a note of sarcasm

Since Ma and Pa refuse to own a computer they are missing a lot not being able to read my blog. So I copy and paste the posts and send them to their email machine. This seems to have made mother happy, now she can join in the blog conversation. Except she tells me not to use the word snot in my posts. Apparently snot mildly offends her. What really offends the hell out of her is when I use the word twat. So I stopped sending her my offensive posts that have the words snot and twat in them. Also my dad is still trying to figure out which side of the family Aunt Flo is from.
I have been lacks in sending posts to the email machine lately and when my Aunt and Uncle called they mentioned to mother how funny they thought this post was:
Shopping with mother and the two areas I must avoid to maintain my sanity.
Yikes, I guess I have to send that one over. Thirteen days later mother and I went Christmas shopping. "I want to go to Macy's."
"We'll go there first mom." It's her favorite store, she loves it.
We browsed, we consulted, we bought, we laughed, we discussed lunch, we heard, "Attention Macy's shoppers, spend $25.00 at our Lancome` counter and get a free gift."
"That's in the perfume section, isn't it honey?"
"So you read it then."
"Let's go to the lingerie section next."

I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I can tell when I'm being set up.

"Huh uh, I'm hungry, let's get lunch."

"You know I think you exaggerated some."

"Maybe, a little, but that's what humor is, right? You're not mad are you?"

"No," she says on the way to lunch, which I'm probably going to pay through the nose for. "Oh look, there's Victoria Secret. Want to go in there, that ought to be worth a couple paragraphs."