I think I might detect a note of sarcasm

Since Ma and Pa refuse to own a computer they are missing a lot not being able to read my blog. So I copy and paste the posts and send them to their email machine. This seems to have made mother happy, now she can join in the blog conversation. Except she tells me not to use the word snot in my posts. Apparently snot mildly offends her. What really offends the hell out of her is when I use the word twat. So I stopped sending her my offensive posts that have the words snot and twat in them. Also my dad is still trying to figure out which side of the family Aunt Flo is from.
I have been lacks in sending posts to the email machine lately and when my Aunt and Uncle called they mentioned to mother how funny they thought this post was:
Shopping with mother and the two areas I must avoid to maintain my sanity.
Yikes, I guess I have to send that one over. Thirteen days later mother and I went Christmas shopping. "I want to go to Macy's."
"We'll go there first mom." It's her favorite store, she loves it.
We browsed, we consulted, we bought, we laughed, we discussed lunch, we heard, "Attention Macy's shoppers, spend $25.00 at our Lancome` counter and get a free gift."
"That's in the perfume section, isn't it honey?"
"So you read it then."
"Let's go to the lingerie section next."

I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I can tell when I'm being set up.

"Huh uh, I'm hungry, let's get lunch."

"You know I think you exaggerated some."

"Maybe, a little, but that's what humor is, right? You're not mad are you?"

"No," she says on the way to lunch, which I'm probably going to pay through the nose for. "Oh look, there's Victoria Secret. Want to go in there, that ought to be worth a couple paragraphs."

Shopping with mother and the two areas I must avoid to maintain my sanity

There are two places in the mall that I must never, under any circumstance let my mother trap me for any length of time. One would be the perfume aisles. I was born with the wrong nose for fake fragrances therefore become nauseated when surrounded by them. Mother walks down the aisles with her arms stretched out, wrists facing up and actually asks to be sprayed by the ladies armed with spray bottles. When she runs out of space on her arms she grabs mine. This has been going on since I was a child and I know I'm traumatized by it, mother thinks it's funny the way I break out into a cold sweat when we get near the perfume section at Macy's. Just imagine the ride home in the car after all that spraying, just imagine it! I also think my sense of smell has been damaged.
Two, and we will tread here ever so gently, the lingerie section. A source of embarrassment stemming from childhood also. It all started when she thought I needed a bra. All her friends were getting to go bra shopping with their daughters, she didn't want to be left out, problem was I didn't really need a bra until I was 16 or so. But she strapped them on me whether I needed them or not. Throughout the years mother has been in search of the perfect fit for me. It became her obsession. She'd drag me over to the bra racks, ha that's funny, bra rack, bra's for racks, anyway she'd say, "Go try this on. Look how pretty it is."
"Mom."
"Can I help you ladies?" This is when she'd bring in outsiders to help find me the perfect fit.
"Yes, we're trying to find a bra to fit my daughter here." And then they would both look at my boobs or lack there of and nod in agreement. An unspoken look of 'she's flat as a pancake, can we help her?' look would come over both their faces.
Off I went into the changing room to try on an array of bra's. Not being the sharpest knife in the drawer it took me several embarrassing episodes like this to realize that all I had to do was say the first one I tried on felt fine. Then suffer for all eternity with an uncomfortable bra.
Finally I've been able to put the bra situation behind me by carefully avoiding the lingerie department whenever shopping with mother. Saturday we went to the mall. She was in search of a camisole, I wasn't. So mother would meander over to the lingerie department and I would say, "I'll be over here looking at shoes mom." Then I would go collect her when I couldn't find shoes I liked, because I can never find them when I'm looking, looking. At our last stop I found her in the back, as I got closer I saw her rummaging through a pantie bargain bin.
Careful, my inside voice said to myself.
"Mom did you find your camisole?"
"Nope, you can never find one when you're looking for it."
"I hear you, can't find black sandals on the clearance rack."
"Are you ready to go home?" I asked as I started rummaging too.
"Yes, let's go home. Do you need underwear?"
"Yeah, I can never...."

OH

"find a pair........"

MY

"that I really like."

GOD

The words just came out of my mouth, I couldn't stop them, what the hell is wrong with me?

Mother started sifting through the bargain bin like bull in a china shop. "What size? What color? Look at this little bow. Oh this lacy one, the husband will like those!"

Dear God what have I done?

Hangin' With The Weird

When I go days without a blogging idea I re-evaluated my life and then go to WalMart. Sometimes I clutter my mind with raising teenagers, paying bills and laundry, important stuff I suppose, but they get in the way of my humor brain cells. So I cleared my mind and took the checkbook to WalMart, we had a great time. Every single visit I'm greeted with someone walking out the entrance and walking in the exit and that always puts a smile on my face. The doors are clearly marked but WalMart shoppers have no time for readin' and stuff. There's a freakin' clearance sale going on right down the middle of the store for God's sake. I got a bath towel for $3.00.
On my way out I successfully avoided the Girl Scouts selling their cookies and navigated my way to the SUV, it was surrounded by shopping carts. I guess the few extra feet to the shopping cart holding bin was just to much for some. So I had a extra errand, round up the shopping carts. Those WalMart shopping cart rustlers make shopping cart rustling look easy. Steering three carts at once is an acquired skill, one that I'm lacking. But I managed to swing them over to the appropriate employee, feeling pretty proud of myself too. He never looked up or acknowledged my presence. Huh. Maybe I was doing a better job shopping cart rustling than I thought and he felt threatened. Or maybe he's just weird.

Don't Do Anything Stupid

When they veer away from me I say, "Don't do anything stupid." It's a natural instinct of a mother with three boys. About 7, maybe 8 years ago I said this to Boy #2, 11 at the time. We, the boys and I were Christmas shopping, all day. We had two more stops, the first was a pit stop at the grocery store and to buy the noodles I had forgotten the last time I was there. Boy #3, the one who remains totally innocent throughout this entire story, came into the store with me. I left the rotten ones in the car. When we emerged from the facilities Boy #2 changed his mind, he had to go, and there he was.
"You go, wash your hands, then go right back to the car. And hey, look at me. Don't do anything stupid."
There it was, it was very brief, but I have training in this type of situation. I saw something in that kids eyes, but I couldn't prove it. He went into the bathroom, I grabbed Boy #3 by the hand and took off to the noodle aisle with a renewed sense of urgency.
"Did you see that? I saw something. I know I did. Or am I just in a holiday craze?"
While I muttered my way through the crowded aisles, Boy #2 put his plan into action. Oh it was a beautiful plan........
Stealthily move throughout the parking lot, hiding in between cars, hunched over like you're up to no good. Never mind who might see you, the mission, should he choose to accept it, scare the bat crap out of his older brother, Boy #1, who had locked all the car doors so Boy #2 couldn't get back in.
My angel and I came out of the store and took off running to the car, it was cold and he wanted to race me. We arrived to find Boy #2 trying to get in the car and Boy #1 laughing at him.
"Open the door!"
We got in and took off to our next stop, across the street to Gander Mountain for Papa's present. I can see now why we looked suspicious. We made it to the parking lot and half way to the store doors when the first police car stopped us, followed by three more police cars, which surrounded us.
"Ma'am, a young boy fitting this boys description was seen braking into cars in the parking lot across the street."
"Wha? Officer I can assure you my boys would never brake into a car."
"Ma'am, I'm sure you believe that, but we just got a report from Best Cuts that a boy in a light blue North Carolina jacket was trying to brake into a white van."
I looked at Boy #2 in his light blue North Carolina jacket.
"I....... I just....... I was just.... I didn't........ he locked me out of the car."
"Shut uuuuupp."
"I didn't try to brake into a white van I just leaned on it, he locked me out of the car mom."
"Mom? Are we going to jail?" This is from Boy #3, who at the very moment became my favorite.
"Ma'am can I see some identification please?"
Apparently I have a clean record, the officer started communicating with yet another officer across the street who was in turn communicating with our accusers. Maybe they really didn't see him actually "try" to brake in the white van. The officer explained to me that there have been a lot of "incidents" in that parking lot during the holidays and they were being cautious.
"Sorry."
The police cars drove away leaving us standing in the middle of the parking lot, stunned.
"Well we're already here, let's go get Papa's present."
Funny how being surrounded by police brings you quite a bit of unwanted attention. We had assembled a small crowd of onlookers and the management in Gander Mountain thought it would be a good idea to have security follow our every move. We ended up buying a gift card to let Papa come back and shop for himself because, we're never going back there.
In the car I said to my boys, "So, I need to be more specific when I say 'Don't Do Anything Stupid'...huh?"

Save The Comforter, Save My World

With a fist full of gift cards and cash, I made my way back to the shopping arena. Shopping as God intended, getting stuff for myself that I actually like.
Before I continue, is it wrong of me to be happy to not hear that bell ringing?
Anyway, one of the items on my list was a new comforter for our bed. You can read about what happened to the old comforter here. I found one. Comfortably fluffy and matched the curtains that the old comforter matched. The problem I planned to work around was the fact that it was a lovely cream color. One simple request I asked my house full of testosterone, "Please close the bedroom door when you let the dog into the house so I can clean her paws before she jumps on the bed." Not 24 hours after the comforter was place on that bed two muddy paw prints showed up. Clearly I asked to much of "them". I would love some snow right now.

Black Friday Myth

Black Friday had me curled up in the fetal position ascared to leave my bed. Crazed shoppers, long lines, bargains to kill for, crowds of people wrestling iPods from your grasp, mass hysteria. I was content to hold up in my house until it was over and emerge the next day, unscathed. That was until I noticed we were out of dog food. I would walk through fire for my dog. Also, I had to get a present for my brother who insisted on sharing his birthday month with Jesus.

"If I'm not back in an hour call 911." I told Boy #3.
"Would you pick me up a couple cheeseburgers?"
"Do you want fries with that?"

I think we were mislead, bamboozled, run amok. There were no lines and I didn't fear for my life. I actually shopped. Before today I had five stocking stuffers bought so far, for my Christmas shopping. I now have a few things checked off my list and feeling confident that I'll finish. Black Friday is a myth, fear not!

Stubborn Took on a Whole New Meaning

"I white-hot hate school clothes shopping for you with every fiber of my being. I've told you that before, right?"
"Yeah, but you've never put it quite that way."

This is the conversation Boy #3 and I had on our way out of the mall, that and where to stop to eat. Since he was about 4 years old, no maybe 3, stubborn took on a new meaning for me. Once in K-Mart my mom and I had to wrestle a screaming 4 year old into a winter jacket to see if it would fit. We literally had to hold him down on the floor to try a pair of shoes on his feet. I would have to distract him while getting him dressed in something new. Still hanging in his closet is the cutest little polo shirt with plaid shorts and suspenders, size 4T, never worn, because he had a fit when I tried to get him to wear it.
Now at the wonderful age of 16, he will only shop at one store.
"You're not coming in here with me are you?"
"Who else is going to make sure you have enough room in the crotch, honey?"
MuuaaHaHa!
When I get old and can't take care of myself, I'm living with him. It's in my will.

Excuse Me? Where's The Midol?

Is it just me? Can WalMart make it a little easier to find the Midol? I had a long list when I walked into WalMart yesterday, but the first thing on it was Midol. I couldn't find it. My aggravation level grew at an alarming rate. Chocolate was going to be piled high in that cart later. Frustrated and ready to ask just about anyone the where abouts of the Midol, I heard the pharmacy chain-link garage door going down. Dear God they're closing and the knowledge I sought, closing with them.
"Excuse me? Hello?" I waved my hand grasping for someone to notice me. I grabbed the attention of a woman and yelled, "Where's the Midol?" And didn't care who heard me. She actually came out of the chain-link pharmacy cage and took me to my relief. On the bottom shelf for goodness sakes!

Bra Issues

I'm just gonna go ahead and address my bra issues today. One of my least favorite things to do in the world is to go bra shopping. Not being very blessed in that region makes the whole experience somewhat depressing. One of my mother's most favorite things to do in the world is to go bra shopping, particularly for me. She is on a quest to find me the right fit. Needless to say I have a drawer full of uncomfortable bra's, because I bought them to stop my mother from holding different cup sizes up to my chest, in public.
The new job requires that I dress better than my usual jeans, t-shirt and slippers. All week I've been tugging at my bra's, with each tug realizing what had to be done. I ventured off bra shopping without telling my mother. They put the clearance racks deep within the lingerie section of Kohl's, that's where I started. I was able to find five assorted bra's within my price range and unmentionable size. Although they were all wildly colorful, I found one that fit. The brand is called "It Fits", thank you so much pal, preciate that.
I found another black with red pin-striped "It Fits" bra and bought them both. I wore one today and boy was I comfortable. I found the right fit. Now do I tell mom or keep this traitorous act of mine a secret?

I Have to Finish my Shopping

Well how is everyone’s holiday shopping going so far? Don’t leave me a comment if you are completely done, I don’t want to hear about it. After the blessed holiday season is over are you going to have to look into debt consolidation? I walked out of one store with a fist full of gift certificates and didn’t even make a dent in my shopping. I’ll probably have to go get a personal loan to finish. I haven’t even made my Christmas list yet. Except maybe a new car, I’m really not sure I will find that under my tree this year. I think I’m on my own when it comes to a new car, I’ll have to get a loan for that too.

Stuff Those Stockings With Sunglasses

Some of you Southerners may think us Northerners don’t need Ray Ban sunglasses in the winter. Think again. That snow can leave a glare that will blind you! Along with a snow scraper in my car, I make sure there is a pair of sunglasses within reach. The sun occasionally makes an appearance here in Northeast Ohio. Sunglasses can also fit nicely in a Christmas stocking. So continue your online, stress free shopping at OpticsPlanet.com and check out their Best Sellers page for some stocking stuffing ideas. They are offering free ground shipping on all orders of $29.95 or more. Gotta love free shipping!

More Stores Added to Coupon Chief

Coupon Chief added some new stores with promo codes! Music Notes and Team Store are where I’m headed first. I can get some online shopping done for the guitar player and the jock. This is great that they are adding stores, now I have to check CouponChief.com every day. This site is getting to be a regular stop for me. There is a coupon for everything imaginable.

Wear a Beige Dress and Keep Your Mouth Shut

I use to work at a printing company and never had to worry about getting things like wedding invitations done. But I quit that job. I have a wedding and a graduation coming up this summer, so when I run across a site that has modern and contemporary invitations, I make note of it. Being the mother of the groom I know I’m suppose to wear a beige dress and keep my mouth shut, but if asked I’m ready with information. The future daughter-in-law is an online shopper, you go girl, and will be checking out invitations online I’m sure of it. Now I need to go search beige dresses.

Blog About This

This is what we woke up to Friday morning! I can't believe I forgot to blog about it. I posted the picture in a thread at my favorite forum, The Crabby Host, and then said to myself, "Blog about this." See what happens when I don't write things down?

See how the snow is covering the leaves we haven't raked yet? Isn't it pretty? All that snow is completely gone now. That's the way we roll in Northeast Ohio. If you don't like the weather, wait 10 minutes and it will change.

Cyber Monday

Today is supposedly Cyber Monday. For those of us that avoided the crowds on Black Friday, today is the day that retailers are offering online shoppers big savings. This is a new one for me, never heard of it, but sound like a great idea and I'm going shopping. But first allow me to shamelessly plug my online stores:

Farvel Cargo: I have a large inventory of tools, you can find a lot of Stocking Stuffers here!
Farvel Clearance: New and gently used items in this store. PokeMon Trading Cards to Glassware.
Farvel T-Shirts: These t-shirts are blank on the front but on the back it looks like someone has pinned a note on it.

Contact me here if you have any questions, I'll be checking in between purchases!

Shopping in my Slippers

I met my friend from grade school for dinner last week and I asked her when she was going to be back in town. She says to me Thanksgiving, she’ll be here the whole weekend because her sister and she always go shopping the day after Thanksgiving, also known as Black Friday. They have it all planned, getting up at 4:00 am, going to breakfast. I tried not to look at her like she was one brick short of a load. I’ll probably sleep in that morning. But that’s just me. I have thanksgiving ads being emailed to me. When my coffee is done brewing, I’ll shuffle over to my computer in my big fluffy slippers and shop. I’m guessing it will probably be around 10:00 am. I always start with the little ones on my list. They aren’t as picky as the older kids. I can easily get the great nieces and nephews done at one sitting at ToysRUs. Before my second cup of coffee. I didn’t tell my dear friend this because she has done this Black Friday shopping thing for years and she looked really excited about it. There aren’t very many things that would get me up at 4:00 am. I can think of one or two, a crying baby back a few years or to go to the bathroom. But never to go shopping.

I'm Really Motivated This Year

I started my Christmas shopping the other day and I’m really motivated to get done early this year. Everyone dreams of a relaxing holiday season. I am in pursuit of a stress free December. Now stop your giggling. I’m at least trying. I have Coupon Chief to help me. Just check all the shopping you can get done there. My geek son will no doubt give me a list of things that I will only be able to find with BestBuy coupons. I bake a lot of cookies during the holidays and I can use some discounts with Target coupons for the baking supplies. Oh boy I need to make a cookie list!

The Day After Thanksgiving

They are calling the day after Thanksgiving Black Friday now? I never go shopping on that day. And if they are calling it Black Friday, it’s worse than I thought. I hate crowds. That’s why, as I’ve said in previous posts, I’m doing as much of my holiday shopping on line as possible. While searching the net I found a site called Black-Friday.net. Hah! Check it out, here is an ad for Kohl’s. All you do is submit your email address and they notify you when new Black Friday ads are posted. Here is a store list. There are quite a few stores.

Imagine doing your holiday shopping with a cup of coffee in your hand, sitting in front of your computer, listening to whatever music you like. As opposed to grabbing a lousy cup of coffee at the food court and not being able to take it in any stores, standing in line with a bunch of short tempered shoppers and listening to piped in holiday music.

Here’s the Circuit City ad. Lot of bargains! Black-Friday.net is making it too easy for us. What will we do with all are spare time after we get are shopping done? I suppose, baking, wrapping, sending out cards, cleaning the house……… Oh boy! Here come the holidays!

Christmas Shopping

My sister-in-law will be calling me soon for a Christmas list. She will want to know what my kids want for Christmas. I'm not even sure I have all their school supplies and I have to come up with a list?
I am starting to assemble a list of places to shop and as I've said before I plan on doing a lot of shopping online. I have so many online store owner friends. I have website links listed in the right column and look for that list to be growing. If you are looking for something, I probably have a friend that sells it!

I can't believe the gorgeous day outside my window! The dog and I are going to have to go on a walk! Maybe then she will be too tired to chew on my sandals.

My favorite time of the day!

I'm sitting in front of my computer blogging with a glass of ice tea within reach and the dog is asleep at my feet. It just doesn't get any better than this. Well maybe if I had an email box full of sales from my eCrater Stores it would be a little better. Yeah, a little better! I didn't sell anything last week so I will probably be lowering some prices this week.

Now that summer is "officially" over, perhaps the shoppers will come out to play! Remember my tool store Farvel Cargo when you are shopping for the holidays. I have several items that would fill a stocking very nicely. And a lot of items under $10.00

Those kids will be home, soon upsetting my solitude. I'll put them to work, we have a dog that needs a bath!