Monday, September 06, 2010

Shopping with mother and the two areas I must avoid to maintain my sanity

There are two places in the mall that I must never, under any circumstance let my mother trap me for any length of time. One would be the perfume aisles. I was born with the wrong nose for fake fragrances therefore become nauseated when surrounded by them. Mother walks down the aisles with her arms stretched out, wrists facing up and actually asks to be sprayed by the ladies armed with spray bottles. When she runs out of space on her arms she grabs mine. This has been going on since I was a child and I know I'm traumatized by it, mother thinks it's funny the way I break out into a cold sweat when we get near the perfume section at Macy's. Just imagine the ride home in the car after all that spraying, just imagine it! I also think my sense of smell has been damaged.
Two, and we will tread here ever so gently, the lingerie section. A source of embarrassment stemming from childhood also. It all started when she thought I needed a bra. All her friends were getting to go bra shopping with their daughters, she didn't want to be left out, problem was I didn't really need a bra until I was 16 or so. But she strapped them on me whether I needed them or not. Throughout the years mother has been in search of the perfect fit for me. It became her obsession. She'd drag me over to the bra racks, ha that's funny, bra rack, bra's for racks, anyway she'd say, "Go try this on. Look how pretty it is."
"Mom."
"Can I help you ladies?" This is when she'd bring in outsiders to help find me the perfect fit.
"Yes, we're trying to find a bra to fit my daughter here." And then they would both look at my boobs or lack there of and nod in agreement. An unspoken look of 'she's flat as a pancake, can we help her?' look would come over both their faces.
Off I went into the changing room to try on an array of bra's. Not being the sharpest knife in the drawer it took me several embarrassing episodes like this to realize that all I had to do was say the first one I tried on felt fine. Then suffer for all eternity with an uncomfortable bra.
Finally I've been able to put the bra situation behind me by carefully avoiding the lingerie department whenever shopping with mother. Saturday we went to the mall. She was in search of a camisole, I wasn't. So mother would meander over to the lingerie department and I would say, "I'll be over here looking at shoes mom." Then I would go collect her when I couldn't find shoes I liked, because I can never find them when I'm looking, looking. At our last stop I found her in the back, as I got closer I saw her rummaging through a pantie bargain bin.
Careful,
my inside voice said to myself.
"Mom did you find your camisole?"
"Nope, you can never find one when you're looking for it."
"I hear you, can't find black sandals on the clearance rack."
"Are you ready to go home?" I asked as I started rummaging too.
"Yes, let's go home. Do you need underwear?"
"Yeah, I can never...."

OH

"find a pair........"

MY

"that I really like."

GOD

The words just came out of my mouth, I couldn't stop them, what the hell is wrong with me?

Mother started sifting through the bargain bin like bull in a china shop. "What size? What color? Look at this little bow. Oh this lacy one, the husband will like those!"

Dear God what have I done?

7 comments:

ReformingGeek said...

YIKES! I'm running away screaming.

I hate bras. None of them fit. My mom gave up! Yay! Yay!

I hate panties. None of them fit. I'm almost ready to give up.

;-)

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You think bra shopping was bad for you, imagine how I felt when my mother took me to Sears for my first trainer. The guys still haven't stopped making fun of me.

Enjoy your new undergarments. ;-)

Beau Horner said...

I'm like that with those little pizza bagels.

00dozo said...

Funny, the last time I went shopping for clothes, etc. with my mom it wasn't too long ago, and yet she still made me feel like a child! Oy.

Relax Max said...

First, I hope I'm not too late to make a guess about the woman in your August 26 post. It took me a while, but I think it is a picture of an unkempt woman in some sort of locker room. In my mind I am imagining her thinking something like, "These big lime green curlers in my hair are workin' for me today." Or something close to that.

It took me a couple days to guess this.

I'll be back. I always like to stay a couple posts behind so I don't sound foolish. As much.

Relax Max said...

Can't comment on this. Sorry. :)
---------

(I almost said, "Can't comment on this filth. Sorry." But that sounded pretty rude, even for me. And, well, you know how open-minded I am, so such a comment would have not really been believable.

Again, I'm sorry I can't think of anything to say for a comment to this rather irritating (for a man) post. K?

Sue said...

Carol - I run screaming in the mall when with my mother all the time.

Mike - Guys can be so cruel.

Beau - You have trouble shopping for pizza bagels?

00dozo - Exactly! I guess that's something thatnever goes away.

Relax Max - All the prizes have been awarded. You were so close too.

Relax Max - If you will notice there has been more of a response from guys on this post than the ladies. I just might post about bra's and panties more often.