Thursday, September 23, 2010

I just have to pee

On the road again for the second time this week, the husband and I took off for a 2 hour drive. Now I have a 24 ounce mocha, you know I'm not going to make it 2 hours without having to stop. About an hour in I had to pee like a race horse, but we're have and in depth conversation about cell phones and landlines, the pro's and cons, so I don't say anything. I know he'll have to go soon, his bladder has weakened over the years.
"We're going to have to stop pretty soon."
"I could go." Doh!
We stopped at an upper echelon rest stop, one of those that has everything you could possibly need. A one stop shop. I'm somewhat of an expert at finding restrooms and I see them immediately. The husband is still searching, his eyes darting back and forth, up and down. Either he hasn't spotted the restrooms or he's in awe of the place. "Babe, over there, in the back, see them?" His eyes drifted away from the spinning Slurpee machines. "Oh there they are."
Women to the left and men to the right, also conveniently located in the middle, are 2 "family" doors. Where the hell were those when I was traveling with children? The husband went to the right and I turned left, right into a temporarily closed sign. I peeked around the corner and saw a man cleaning the women's restroom. I could pee in the family restroom if only the door wasn't locked. I side stepped dangerously over the the men's side. Thought about taking a peek around that corner but decided against it. I'll never understand how a bunch of guys could just line up along a wall of stalls, whip it out and pee without batting an eye. Total strangers whizzing away next to each other. Erv once peed next to Cleveland Indian, Grady Sizemore, not many people can say that, Erv can.
Alright one family restroom is the same as the other, doesn't matter if it's near the men's or women's side right? So I turned the knob, hah it's open, it's just too bad there's a man peeing in it.
"What the........? Eff! Are you kidding me. Damn it!" I actually put my hand up to my eyes.
I side stepped back over to my girl side. Please, please come out whoever is in there. Please before this guy comes out of the boy side family restroom. I sent the person behind the locked door very strong mental distress messages............ open, open, open the door and she came out. I quickly ducked into the sanctuary that is the family restroom, with my back against the door, I took a deep breath and then another. Then, get this, I LOCKED the door, because seriously, besides the guy next to me, who in the name of Zeus's butt hole, doesn't lock a public restroom door?


ReformingGeek said...

Men who WANT to be interrupted while peeing?


Zues's butt hole? LOL

Sue said...

Carol - Zeus's Butt Hole, it's a line from the movie The Rock, I use it often.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Few crises are worse than having to pee and not being able to pee. I was once trapped on a bus for hours in a blinding snowstorm and seriously considered peeing my pants, or going to a back seat and peeing on the floor (no bottle being handy). Finally, I just asked the driver to let me out so that I could run inside a McDonald's that miraculously appeared out of the flurries to save me from total embarassment.

Sue said...

Mike - I always have to pee when there's no where to pee. I feel your pain.

Relax Max said...

If you're a man there's ALWAYS a place to pee.

I don't know why you are blogging so much about peeing lately. I'm sort of afraid to come to your blog, you know?

Well, I have to tell you that the expression that involves a race horse does NOT mean how bad you have to go but how fast and strong you go when you go. So you sort of misused that pee expression.

When you have to go , the terminology is somewhat different: you have to drain your radiator; you have to see a man about a horse (not a race horse); your teeth are floating; you need to tap a kidney. Like that. If you are in England, then you would need to spend a penny. (That's just what they say there. Something about the old days when you had to put a penny in a slot to get into a public toilet.)

But the race horse (and "pee" is not the word you use in that case, btw) only can be used to describe the strength of the.. ummm.... "stream" as it were. Now, the best time to watch a race horse, or ANY male horse for that matter, should you be of the horse peeing watcher persuasion, is really in January when you can see your breath. Oh, my.

I guess the real point here is that, if you are going to continue to blog about peeing (two in a row is really borderline obsessive, btw) then it would behoove you (no horse pun intended) to get your euphemisms on that subject in order. Only a passing observation.

Oddly, as I write this I am actually thinking about the time I saw a Hostess delivery man try to push a Little Debbie guy away from his shelf space in the local Walmart bread aisle. I myself nearly came to blows with the Sara Lee dude who was squatting in front of the bread I wanted and wouldn't move. I can tell you that Sara Lee bread deliverymen are pretty aggressive if you ever have to push come to shove with one.

Also, in a news item on page 13 yesterday, some thieves stole a Little Debbie truck out of a Walmart parking lot and drove it into a canal. Not the Panama Canal, I'm thinking, but an irrigation canal. The AP didn't say. You can google if you want the particulars, I expect. Police did say there was a trail of moonpie or whatever boxes for quite a ways, so apparently the thieves did make off with some merchandise. Probably they were stuffing their faces when they went off the road into the canal, if you ask me. Of course that is only conjectures. Little Debbie didn't drown, thank god.

Please accept this as 2 comments. Thanks.

Sue said...

Relax Max - Let me just say, the effort you put into some of your comments is to be commended. This one is longer than some of my posts. Yes I will accept it as 2 comments, thank you.
The expression "pee like a race horse" has been used in my family for decades, therefore I will continue to use it should I ever post about pee again. It is very likely that I will, since this is a humor blog and pee is funny. I may use some of your sayings too and I have another one for you, "I have to pee so bad I can taste it."

I'm glad to hear that Little Debbie didn't drown, but she doesn't belong in the same sentence as Hostess and Sara Lee, she's way out of her league there.