Don't worry, I have everything under control

My obligatory Easter post is HERE on www.skirt.com, it's called Rockin' with the Jesus Hippies. So I didn't forget Easter or Jesus, they're just on another blog because I want to post about the Russians today. Is there a Russian Easter Bunny? Let's stay on topic.
The dog and I have several routes we take in the morning for our walks. Sometimes we run into the Russian Lady from the pool, she's branched out from her swimming regimen and has taken to walking. This makes me nervous because she can be anywhere any time of the day, just walking or spying around the neighborhood. I say "Good Morning" when I see her and she replies back in a thick Russian accent. I'm thinking of making friends with her this summer at the pool just to see if I can get her to say Moose and Squirrel. And if someone double dog dares me, I'll record it.
You have to admire a woman that will swim around the perimeter of a pool for two hours, not taking a break. She doesn't move very fast but she's got a slow and steady pace that one would think would take off a few pounds. And now I've been running into her on her morning walks and she still the same size. The only logical explanation is that she's a Russian spy. So I'll keep an I eye on her and perhaps she can fill the void that The Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude left.

Poolside from Florida

I know it's been some time since last I posted, I've been vacationing hard. But now I have another "by the pool" post because I'm in Florida by the pool. Me and Panama Jack aka the husband are poolside. Those of you who know the husband might find it hard to believe that he's poolside. Let me paint you a picture because he forbids pics. I must tread carefully.

Since my molecular structure allows me to become golden brown with very little effort and just the aid of the sun, it's that big yellow thing in the sky for those of you up North that won't see it until April-ish, packing our beach bag today was a challenge for me and Whitey. He burns, peels and then burns again. We've been at the pool for less than an hour and I think I need to spray him down with SPF 70 again. He walked out of the bedroom with his button up, collared, flowered, tourist shirt and his swim trunks on, completing the look, sunglasses and flip flops.

I asked him where my husband was and what he did with him? Was he okay and who is it that is accompanying me to the pool today. While we've been poolside he's been excellent company and whoever he is I really don't mind sharing my corner of pool space with him.

It's the other people that have become quite annoying. They haven't shut up since we got here and I have no idea what language they are speaking. We pretty much understand none of our neighbors. The ones next store to us speak French, at least I thought it was French. But the husband, who took French in high school and says it's Portuguese. Since I've never heard Portuguese I can't argue with him. We agree on the Germans and the Mexicans. And these loud annoying people at the pool right now, we're guessing some kind of Arabic, because they have a dark molecular structure too. They don't need sunscreen. So really right now the husband is sticking out like a sore thumb. He's as bright as the sun, a ray of sunshine, if it is truly him. Whoever he is I am enjoying his company.

So the Florida Gulf Coast has seemed to become a beacon to the non-English speaking vacationers. With every car that pulls into the parking lot we've made a game of guessing what language comes out of their mouths.

What is now known as the knee incident

If we'd all adhere to basic driving laws of the road then I wouldn't have a bathroom counter filled with various wound paraphernalia, damn it. If drivers in their SUV's would realize that their windows are tinted a tad and a person on a bike cannot necessarily see if they are being "waved through" then I wouldn't be screaming in the husbands ear as he pours peroxide on my knee, damn it.

It's totally half the SUV drivers fault that the rest of my summer is ruined. I will take partial blame for carrying a beach bag and a can of Mountain Dew while riding my bike on my way home from the pool. But if the indecisive driver would have just, you know, made a decision at the stop sign, I would not have had to stop abruptly and wipe out my knee. It's a mess and I'm not going to look good at the pool or in shorts the rest of the summer, damn it. It's unbecoming, a bandaged up knee, you know.

Cat fight at the pool but no Russians

Well I had other plans here at the pool today but when you have two girls arguing behind you, invading your every waking thought then they must be made fun of and made fun of they will.

If you are going to argue with each other and mom on the cell phone to audible levels as such that every one at the pool can hear, I believe your words are up for grabs.

I think a friendship may be crumbling right behind my back. One of them is trying to explain that "plans change" and the other one is trying to explain "her side of the story". Now one is on the phone trying to find a way home. It's a small community, walk off your frustration honey.

Thank you God for the bazillionth time for giving me boys.

Can I just go off topic here for a minutes? A family just walked in and was pool-ready as soon as they dropped their stuff. They must be reading my blog or they are as pool savvy as I am. Bravo pool savvy family. There is hope for all humanity, I've righted the world.

The girls have quieted a tad or they are getting drowned out by all the people that have been filtering in. Or someone is actually drowning them to shut them up. I have to admit the thought crossed my mind. Either that or just bang their heads together. Banging heads together works with boys. Does it work with girls?

With the girls incisive yapping quelled, I was able to get to the matter at hand, check on the Russians. I didn't hear anybody say vodka so it was safe to say the pool was Russian free today, at least while I was at my post.

Monitoring suspicious behavior at the pool continues

Someone has to do it and I've taken it upon myself to keep an eye on things while I lay here tanning and swimming.

I think one of the Russians are here and I have eyes on her don't you worry. She's a very large woman and she's been in the pool the entire time I've been here. Over two hours in the pool, she's going to wrinkle up pretty good. I think she's exercising.

Since I've had her under surveillance she started off circling the perimeter of the pool, no doubt on a scouting mission. Who does she think she's fooling? Now she's walking back and forth, from one side of the pool to the other, she got in the way of my laps. Actually some Americans got in the way of my laps too. I wanted to say to them all,

"Hey! I'm swimmin' here!"

Pardon my digression.

I made sure when in close proximity of the exercising Russian, I made eye contact. At least I think I did, we both had sunglasses on. She also had on a baseball cap. Suspicious? Damn straight. I'm going to have to come back here tomorrow now, just to keep an eye on things.

But now I must get going and give up my surveillance post, I have to get over to WalMart and check up on the morons. My work is never done.

Fun filled family freakin day at the pool

I'm not here to judge, I'm just here to pass along my infinite wisdom. And when I'm done with this post you will stop and say,

"Wow, she's so smart."

I'm an expert at going to the pool. I've been going to the pool since I was a kid. My grandmother use to take Erv and me, she'd sit and people watch with her bright red lipstick on so her lips wouldn't get sunburned and she wore a big floppy hat. And when we'd say,

"Grama! Watch this!." She would.

That's where I would like to start, then we'll talk sun screen. Here's the thing, when your kids are in the pool and they say,

"Hey mom/dad/grandma/grandpa! Watch this." Five times in a row, look up from your cell phone and watch whatever stupid thing they are doing so the rest of us don't have to listen to, 'Hey mom/dad/grandma/grandpa! Watch this.' Five times in a row. You know what? Just put your cell phone away and keep on eye on you children at all times. Those "lifeguards" are paid minimum wage.

Now the sun screen. This is going to make so much sense to you when I'm done. Put the sun screen on your children before you get to the pool. I can't stress this enough. When you come to the pool with more than one child and they still need sun screen slathered on them, do yourself a favor and just let them burn. I continue to be amazed at parents that file into the pool for a fun filled family day and they stop their children from jumping in with the rest of the kids. Why? Because before they can have any fun they have to be disappointed, start crying and be yelled at by their stressed out mom.

"You can't go in that pool until I put sun screen on you, WAIT!"

While you struggle with one child the others are inching their way towards the waters edge. You are not going to be able to catch them because your hands are full of sunscreen and the partially gooped kid thinks he's done when you go to catch the ungooped ones. The gooped one is slippery now you'll never get him back. See the chaotic situation you and you alone created? Tell me slathering them up at home doesn't make sense.

There is so much more I can teach you but I don't want to come off as preachy. Just remember one other thing, teach them how to play Marco Polo and I will hunt you down like a rabid dog.

Crisis in the Driveway

You should probably read my last post before you read this one, it's kind of a continuation but not, sort of.

Now that I have the Russians where I want them here at the pool, I can write my original post I had planned for today. It's a good thing to continue to write anyway just to keep the Russians guessing.

So imagine if you will Boy #3's car in the driveway with a dead as a door knob battery. Boy #2 has been summoned to help, girlfriend #2 tags along and me in my bathing suit with my pool bag trying to decide if I should leave the 2 hot heads and the nicer than nice even tempered girlfriend in the driveway without a referee. If I stay I'll lose my spot at the pool for sure, but this girl is probably going to have a huge part in picking out my nursing home, since she's a nurse. I stayed. Jump starting this car is not as easy you think. First you have to get the hood open and that involves 2 to 3 people, a screwdriver and a flashlight. Isn't it funny how Boy #3 just started to make payments to us on this car and stuff keeps breaking? A screw driver flew through the air, some swearing took place. "I'm selling this car." He's made 2 payments. The girlfriend tried to introduce calm, logic into the scene and I worried about my spot at the pool.

Let me take another glance at the Russians. I really want to point at my eyes and then to them but I'm not that brave.

The hood opened, the jumper cables didn't reach from the truck so Boy #2 drove the John Deere over and Boy #3's bucket of bolts started right up. I'm going to have to make sure that car has a survival kit in it, screwdriver will be on top of the list. This is about when the husband decided to see what was going on in the driveway. You might ask why I didn't get him involve earlier, easy, he's the original hot head. Three hot heads in the driveway is too much.

The Russians are here

Well it just doesn't get any better than this. I got to the pool minutes before the woman that takes my spot did. Minutes! In your face pool spot stealer. HA! I was still setting up when she walked in. This has been my spot for years, I don't know who the hell she thinks she is. We have had an unspoken fight over this spot all summer. She's even brought a friend of hers into this, some muscle, if you know what I mean. Today is a small victory for me, hooray for me and my awesome timing.
And if this wasn't enough fun, the Russians are here, speaking Russian and everything. They could be talking about me right now and I wouldn't know it. Hell they could be talking about world domination and I'd be clueless. So as I write I keep looking over at them. My reasoning is they'll think I'm taking notes. These Russians will not take over the world on my watch. They talk funny. They have the same house address as we do just a different street. I found this out a couple years ago walking the dog. I suppose getting their mail by mistake would be a post just waiting to be written. But if you are a steady reader of my blog you know that I have foreignpeopleaphobia. I would probably make one of the boys take their mail to them and Boy #1 would do it, he has no fear of foreigners. Catch him in the right mood and I could get him to knock on anyone's door.
Jeez, I wish I could catch some of these words that are coming out of their mouths, it's just a bunch of ishkabibbles. I haven't heard them say vodka yet, they like that right? I'm going to go swim some laps and see if I can catch anything that sounds like, "Our plan is coming along very nicely Victor."

............................

Back....... I got nothing to report to the Feds.

Apparently Bernie's new girlfriend is a little thick.

Go ahead, have a one sided cell phone conversation within earshot of me and see if I don't blog about, I dare you. You loud talkers crack me up.
Innocently soaking up the sun at the pool today, without a book because I decided to lose myself in my thoughts. In other words, try to nod off. But my ears perked up when Bernie's mom walked into the pool area yammering away on her cell phone.
Names have not been changed to protect the innocent:
"You have a new girlfriend?........... Is she pretty?....... A pretty face, good. How's the body?"
Huh? This is when nodding off became moot.
"Oh, a little heavy? What would you say like fat or just thick."
Oh.....

My.....

God....

The most I've ever asked my boys about girlfriends are their names and where do they live. Because 1. they don't introduce me and 2. my concern for them getting lost is great as they have inherited from me, Boy #2's girlfriend put it best as, the directionally retarded gene.

"Thick, well that's okay they can lose weight, they can always lose weight. They get a nice looking, well built guy like you Bernie and they get incentive to look their best."

The husband has a compass in his big brain. Like one of those black car compasses our parents use to have on their dashboards. It kind of rolls around in his head and the settles on the direction he needs to go. "We have to go North." "Really, how do you know that?"
"Because I feel it."
"You feel North?"
"Well yeah, can't you?"
"I feel like we should stop for a Mocha, but I don't feel North."

"Are you bringing her to Becky's tomorrow, so I can meet her? I know it's Doug's birthday and you have to go there too, but you know how he gets. Come to Becky's first."

One time one of the boys friends got lost and called the husband for directions. She was panicking and the husband was trying to bring her in, finally he told her to pull over, she did. "Now," he said, "Tell me where the sun is, look in the sky and tell me where the sun is."............"You need to turn around, you're going West, you need to be going East."

"Then you can go to Doug's later and not have to stay long. He'll be all over you and you're new girlfriend will feel out of place...... What's her name?..........Dee Dee? Oh."

Hmmm, the thick girl has a name.

"Seriously, come to Becky's then go to Doug's. Remember when I lost all that weight, I was huge and now look at me, she'll lose the weight."

Bernie's mom will have Dee Dee anorexic in no time. Run Dee Dee run!

Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?

I'm not going to lie to you, going to the pool this summer and last summer has become more like nap time than exercise time. If I'm going to see anything interesting, it's got to be when I first get there. Because when I lay down on that lounge chair (and there are new, more comfortable ones this year) I'll nod off. So it's a good thing I spotted the woman with the buoyant boobies right away. I had all my stuff put in it's proper place, sunglasses on and watched this woman bounce around in the pool as she prattled on with her friend. And when I say bounce, I mean she was actually bouncing up and down like maybe she was exercising, maybe. The boobs had a mind of their own, bouncing to and fro going every which way they could. It wasn't their fault really, the bathing suit offered no support whatsoever. I decided to hold off on my nap, I wasn't going to miss her smacking herself in the face with those things. I started to worry about the children, would they get taken out with the big boobs or see more than the should?

Sadly, she got out of the pool before her boobies could do any damage and I drifted off.

This way I don't have to listen to you

A lot of bloggers write open letters as a post, I've never done one but today I feel compelled to do so, my life a leisure hangs in the balance.
I must address all the mom's of small children at community pools. My homeowners association forbids me to put a pool in my yard, so you, your children and I have to mingle all summer. I've come up with a few guidelines for you to follow.

1.) Sun screen, believe it or not, this can be applied to the child at home. That way when you get to the pool they can jump right in and I won't have to listen to you telling little Johnny to stand still when you slather him up and I won't have to listen to him whine about how you got it in his eyes.

2.) Cell phones, there's over a 50% chance that your child will drip on it, because you're at a pool, that big cement pond filled with water. There's over a 50% chance your hair will get wet too, actually everything you bring to the pool can and will get wet eventually, so put them in a plastic bag or don't bring them, this way I don't have to listen to you yell at your children for something that is your fault.

3.) Water-wings are stupid. If people trust you enough to carry your child around on land with out a parachute then you should be trusted to hold them in a pool without dropping them. If they are older put them in a pool that they can touch the bottom and teach them to swim, water-wings give a kid a false sense of security, teach them to rely on themselves, this way I don't have to listen to you and your child whine about putting them on.

4.) The Ice Cream Truck. When it parks itself in the swimming pool parking lot, commit to either always buying an over priced popcycle or never buying an over priced popcycle. There is no middle ground when it comes to the ice cream truck, this way I don't have to listen to your child badger you for $3.00 continuously.

5.) Marco Polo, take your children home if they play this stupid, God-forsaken game.....please.

I, in turn, will try to be quiet while I read my book.

The Leather Ladies

"Mom?"
"Don't stare, play on the swings."

16 years ago we moved into a lake community. Our various amenities included two beaches, two pools, boating docks, a couple playground. The main beach had a pool next to it and one of the playgrounds, a favorite hangout for moms with young children. You could spend the day there and then the kids would fall asleep as soon as their precious little heads hit the pillow. We spent a lot of time there. So did three old ladies. They would sit in their beach chairs at the waters edge for hours. Spreading tanning oil on their wrinkled skin. In their flowered, skirted bathing suits, with bright pink lipstick smeared on their faces. These three had fried themselves to the point beyond return, their skin resembled leather.
I haven't seen The Leather Ladies in years, one would have to assume they succumbed to skin cancer or spontaneous combustion. Raising my boys during those summer months became just a little bit easier because the The Leather Ladies.

"Mooommmm!"
"Stand still so I can put this sun screen on you. You don't want to look like The Leather Ladies do you?"

I Can Design My Own Pool

My 71-year-old father packs up his duffle bag three times a week and drives to the local fitness center to swim laps. I am in awe of him. If ever I find myself with extra money, say if I win the lottery or something, I’m buying him a new house with a pool, on a lake with a his own boat. He can design his own pool with Pool Builders League City TX. I went to the site decorative pools.com and designed a pool, I felt like I was playing Sims!