When Deer Attack

They don't do that do they? Just the other day my mom asked me if I see any deer out on mine and the dogs morning walks.
"No mom, never see any in the morning. They walk the streets at night but stay in the woods during the day."
And when I say they walk the streets at night, I mean it. If I'm out on a bike ride at dusk Deer Crossing takes on a whole new meaning. Several times I've had to slam on my brakes because deer have decided to run across the road. And they don't look both ways.
You can imagine my surprise when out on our walk this morning I saw a deer. I cursed, really bad words because I know the dog doesn't like the deer. I've been paying attention more during our walks ever since the bunny chasing incident. But I do have my daydreaming to think about, it's an important part of my morning.
Every time I've turned a corner this summer a new threat arises. The kookamonga list is growing and I'm constantly on guard. So again I'll ask, if a dog gets close to a deer and starts barking does the deer run in fear or attack? If I survive a deer attack imagine the blog post I'll get from that.

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The dog's trying to kill me

"The dog's trying to kill me."
These are the first words the husband hears when he wakes up this morning. From me in the shower as he enters the bathroom. Because something as serious as this can be said before coffee. Not much can be said before someone rolls out of bed and hasn't even approached the coffee maker but the dog is trying to kill me. I saw no problem in breaking protocol. He responded,
"Okay."
He knows that I know that he knows I'm going to tell him what happened no matter what he said so he kept it simple. I knew the dog was outside of the bathroom door listening but didn't care. I began to tell him about my morning.
Forty-five minutes before my alarm was set to rouse me from my slumber the dog jumped up on the bed. This woke up me and my bladder. I laid there thinking that maybe I could just fall back to sleep. The dog found a comfortable spot, half of my pillow, and waited for the alarm while I drifted off. Unfortunately someone dared walk past our house, ears perked, low growl, the dog took off to the living room using my stomach as her jumping point. I've never been punched in the stomach before but I kind of have the gist of what it might feel like now. I then had to get up to pee.
I didn't fall back to sleep but I was pissed so I made the dog wait until my radio went off. This is her cue to start the "we're going on a walk" dance. Our walks are a time for me to put my day together, think out loud with the dog as my sounding board. She doesn't listen to me because she has to sniff everything. But at least it looks like I'm talking to someone, not just wandering the neighborhood talking to myself. We have a few different routes we take in the morning and this morning we went off the beaten path, because that's the way we roll, and walked around the tennis court, by the pool and the woods.
I had my walking flip flops on because its June and I won't put a sock on until sometime in September maybe. We rounded the corner and she saw it before I did. A bunny. They must be an easy prey because to really likes to chase them with vengeance. She caught one a few weeks ago and now has the taste for bunny blood coursing through her veins. I, on the other hand, have no desire to chase bunnies.
What started out as a lack of communication ended up with my arm yanked so hard from the leash that my feet flew out from under me. I landed on my left side and was dragged about a foot on the moist, from the early morning dew, grass. I don't know how I managed to keep hold of the leash as the dog continued to yank trying to get into the woods to hunt her some wabbits.
After the initial shock, I regained my senses and stood up. That was a good sign, being able to stand. I got the dog under control and away from the woods. Also a good sign, I could walk. I ruled out the emergency room on our way home. Everything on my left side hurts but I don't think I have a torn rotator cuff or will need Tommy John surgery.
At some point during the retelling of my morning the husband had snuck out of the bathroom and I was in the shower talking to myself. When I walked out he asked,
"So are you okay?"
"No. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"Sure."
"Okay, just let me go Spray and Wash the grass stains on my jeans and hoodie and I'll be right back."
As the day goes by the left side of me becomes sore and stiff. You just don't fall down like that and bounce back after a certain age. So far the dog and I have been getting along, we are just staying out of each others way. But I am avoiding going near the steps.

Don't worry, I have everything under control

My obligatory Easter post is HERE on www.skirt.com, it's called Rockin' with the Jesus Hippies. So I didn't forget Easter or Jesus, they're just on another blog because I want to post about the Russians today. Is there a Russian Easter Bunny? Let's stay on topic.
The dog and I have several routes we take in the morning for our walks. Sometimes we run into the Russian Lady from the pool, she's branched out from her swimming regimen and has taken to walking. This makes me nervous because she can be anywhere any time of the day, just walking or spying around the neighborhood. I say "Good Morning" when I see her and she replies back in a thick Russian accent. I'm thinking of making friends with her this summer at the pool just to see if I can get her to say Moose and Squirrel. And if someone double dog dares me, I'll record it.
You have to admire a woman that will swim around the perimeter of a pool for two hours, not taking a break. She doesn't move very fast but she's got a slow and steady pace that one would think would take off a few pounds. And now I've been running into her on her morning walks and she still the same size. The only logical explanation is that she's a Russian spy. So I'll keep an I eye on her and perhaps she can fill the void that The Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude left.

Oh yes I did!

Bundling up for a early morning walk in, what was it? Maybe 20 degrees? It is a chore to make sure I'm going to be warm and I don't forget anything. All the while the dog is jumping around like a kangaroo because she knows she's going on a walk.
I went into my office to grab my hoodie and what did I see outside my window? Another dog walker out in the cold. I'm not crazy after all. That is until I saw this dog walker, a woman, bagging up her dogs poop, as well she should, especially when it's my yard. Only my dog is allowed to poop there.
I threw my hoodie on and as my head came out the hoodie hole I saw the unbelievable. The woman bagged the poop and threw in on my lawn. Who does that? Why bother bagging it when you're going to leave it? Bagging it is the worse part. Swinging it around while you walk isn't pleasant but it's odor is contained by then.
I jumped into action,
"Not cool, not cool."
"What?" the husband said as I ran past him and down the stairs to the front door.
I opened the door, the woman and her dog were almost 2 houses away when I yelled,
"Are you going to leave that bag there?"
She jumped a little, turned around and said,
"Oh, I pick it up on my way back."
The hell you say, not buying it, the dog and I readied ourselves for the hunt.
The boys have told me back in the summer when they were cutting the grass that they had found bags of poop in our yard before. I just found the offender and she wasn't getting away with it anymore. HA!
Out the door I let the dog take a whiff and away we went hot on the trail of the poop bagging bitch. I have way too much time on my hands and perhaps I am a little crazy but we found them. They were on the other side of the street, I made my way to the corner partially hidden by some bushes and called the husband,
"She's on her way."
"Babe............"
"Fine I got this." And I made myself seen.
She crossed the street and picked up her plastic bag. Booyah! I scared her. Oh yes I did!

This is where the early morning chaos ensued

This morning was wet, damp and unseasonably warmer than one would think. A day that gave you the impression that it hadn't made up it's mind on what season it wanted to represent. So whatever one decided to wear while walking the dog would probably be wrong.
I really don't get much time to think of what jacket to put on in the morning for our walk because the dog is impatient, she will actually bark at me if I stay in the bathroom too long. We are out the door within 10 minutes after I roll out of bed.
We took a left at the end of the driveway, deciding on the condo route this morning. It's quiet back there and I can bounce ideas off the dog without too many people thinking I've lost it. I have lost it but I like to keep that to myself.
Everybody must have got up early today because I'm pretty sure I said good morning to about sixty-seven people......... okay 5 people. I have not run into the crabby woman lately, but I ran into another older woman who was dressed up and seemed to be waiting for a ride. This is where the early morning chaos ensued.
As we turned the corner and saw the woman waiting for a ride, I let out a cheerful,
"Good Morning."
Up ahead there was a woman in her pajamas, wrapped in a bright red robe and attached to her on a very long leash a big Dalmatian. So while my attention was on the woman waiting for a ride, I was also making a mental note of the big Dalmatian and the red robe lady, so was the dog.
The woman waiting for a ride nodded towards me and the dog and replied,
"Good Morning, that looks like a new dog in the neighborhood."
"Oh no." I said as I was walking by, "We just like to walk back here because it's so quiet."
That right there is funny when you think of it because it was anything but quiet. As I turned my head back to the road the Dalmatian began to lumber towards us dragging the red robe woman behind him. I grabbed my dog by the collar because she doesn't put up with any shhhh...... crap and she protects me. The dogs were face to face growling and barking. And the red robe woman was still trying to catch up with the Dalmatian. Being the smart ass that I am I said,
"Clearly you don't have control of your dog."
"No I don't." She replied. Doh!
Further up the road a man had his truck half in his driveway and half in the street, hindering the progress of the woman waiting for a rides.......... ride. She impatiently laid on her horn because I guess she thought we couldn't see her car barreling towards us. I ran across the street still grasping the dog by the collar, I was quite certain she wasn't going to stop. The horn was a 'get the hell out of my way I'm not stopping for nobody' warning. They must have been going shopping.
It all happened so fast, the chaos. I found myself thinking of pepper spray the rest of our walk. Wondering what the laws of carrying pepper spray entailed. This is the first time the dog and I have encountered a run away dog on a leash, but we've run into our share of unleashed big dogs. Can I squirt them in the face with pepper spray?

Next post, who the hell knows

There were a string of unfortunate circumstances that lead to the dog not getting her morning walk four days in a row. Which led to her unruly walk this morning. She doesn't understand "people problems" nor does she care to, it's all about her you know.
So I was ever so gently coaxed out of bed by the princess a half hour earlier than I would have liked. Actually I would have liked to get out of bed long enough to blow my nose, take a Tylenol Severe Sinus Pressure Caplet and drift of into an antihistamine induced sleep for the rest of the morning. But that was not to be. I did tell the dog while pointing to the window about the rain but she was relentless.
I got dressed, grabbed my phone, umbrella and the dreaded poop bag. It wasn't going to be a long walk but was sure to be eventful. Juggling a dog with pent up in the house to long issues and an umbrella was going to be a rude awakening, add a bag of poop and that's when the party begins.
I suppose it's her little way of trying to drag me out of my world of worry. You can't help but laugh at yourself as you walk down the street in the rain with the dog dragging you to an unknown destination, trying not to injure yourself with your umbrella as you take care of what she obviously has been saving up for me.
Next post, who the hell knows.