Friday, May 08, 2009

In The Back Row

The funeral we went to made us think of Lamaze class because we sat in the back row. Not to be disrespectful, it's just that all the seats got taken up and we found ourselves, the husband and me, in the back row. Which, again, not to be disrespectful, made us laugh.
Back when I was pregnant with Boy #1, I fell for the load of crap that is Lamaze class. And dragged the husband along kicking and screaming. What was I thinking? Natural childbirth when drugs were available? I was so young and stupid. They taught me how to breath in such a way that the pain would ease. A deep cleansing breath and then short "he he he he" breaths. Around class number 5 or 6 was the movie class. We were going to see a baby born on full screen in full color. That's when the husband spoke up and insisted on sitting in the back row, I was pretty sure he was planning on taking a nap. But that plan was brought to a screeching halt when the instructor came in and said, "They always set this room up wrong, would you help me move this projector to the other side of the room?" All of a sudden we had front row seats. The husband saw more than enough, he never made it to the delivery room with me.

After "he he he he'ing" for hours I asked the nurse, "I can't feel my fingers, is that normal?"
"Your hyperventilating, stop breathing like that. Let's get you some oxygen."
"Oxygen and bring me some drugs, I'm so over natural childbirth."

6 comments:

DouglasDyer said...

I put Lamaze right up there with Amway. Go sell that crap somewhere else.

Relax Max said...

I don't blame you. Natural childbirth was probably invented by a man. A man who probably didn't like women that much.

Wait just a moment while I check our friends at Wikipedia.

Ah, yes. A man. A Frenchman, no less. 1940s. Influenced by the Soviets. Uh-huh. I remember them.

"A philosophy of personal empowerment." Yes indeed.

"Nurse? I am feeling plenty empowered now. Gimme a goddam epidural. Thanks."

Sorry to hear about your loved one.

Candice said...

Yeah, I did something similar with my first birth, except I full intended on using drugs.

I never felt more ridiculous in all my life sitting in a room full of orca whales and their husbands, breathing like idiots.

It made for some funny stories though, so it was worth it.

Skye said...

My condolences to you and your family Sue!

As for the Lamaze class, I never took it. Didn't matter in the end, not with the first anyway, I had an emergency c-section. Long story, my next 2 were both natural though (granted lots of drugs), that's always good :)

ReformingGeek said...

Sometimes when they play certain hymns at funerals, I feel the urge to burst out laughing. I'm sure it's just an emotional relief from the grief, right?

The story is that Hubby had to attend an unfortunate amount of funerals in a short period of time and the same hymn was played every time. He never wants to hear it again.

I think I only have one friend that that delivered a baby without any drugs. She was so proud of herself. Then she had two more. The story wasn't the same. ;-)

Sue said...

Doug - Just like "As Good As It Gets" - Go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Relax Max - Those damn French!
And thank you.

Candace - A room full a orca whales and their husband! LOL! But that is the exact scene, sad but true.

Skye - Thank you and yes, drugs are good.

ReformingGeek - I never hold laughing at a funeral against anyone, you never know the circumstance as to why.