WalMart Rant: Then I promise I'll be good Santa

With my list in hand I stepped into the WalMart entrance door, vowing it would be the last time I would need to shop before Christmas day. One item on my list - tape. You know to wrap presents.
I went down every aisle, taking my time to make sure everything was covered, dotting my 'I's' and crossing my 'T's' because I was spent. Every corner I turned there was wrapping paper, every size and pattern my pretty little heart desired. I figured I just grab some tape on my way to the check out.
I crossed off my items on my list, smiling every time I did. All that was left - tape. I found a check out line with only one customer ahead of me, score. But among the impulse items I failed to see tape. There was no tape by any of the mounds of wrapping paper. Doh!
I left my shopping cart in the great line I was incredibly lucky to find and looked around the other check out lines for impulse tape. Tape that you normally see all the time, everywhere. But it was not to be. I should have learned my lesson 3 years ago when my box of douche broke open and it inched towards the 17 year old male cashier. I looked for tape then and couldn't find it.
In my great check out line I interrupted the cashier and asked,
"Excuse me, where is the tape?"
"Umm... back in the office supplies section?"
"Back?"
"Back."
Holy Mother of God, who doesn't put the tape right next to the wrapping paper? I had to leave my awesome, get the hell out of WalMart quick, check out line. Why in the name of Zeus's butt hole would you not put tape everywhere in the store? People have to adhere that wrapping paper, that is blocking almost every aisle in the store, together with something.
I had about an inch of tape left at home so with my head hung low I left my check out line, sadly looked back, the man ahead gave me a 'I feel your pain look' as he put is final items on the conveyer belt. And I went back into the store, dejected and pissed.

And that’s how you get a speeding ticket

This is a re-run from Divine Caroline: Here
Go ahead and click the FaceBook like button if you want to. ;-)
I'm trying to get my writing ducks in a row, a plan of action so to speak. The online line magazine Skirt is no longer using bloggers on their site. So I've been re-reading some stuff on Divine Caroline, where I haven't posted in some time because they changed things around too. Basically I'm trying to get my shit together.
Here is the re-run:

“Everyone have his jock strap on?”
I looked in the rear view mirror at my three boys, they failed to see the humor in my question so I revised it,
“Seat belts? Got your seat belts on?”
I heard a chorus of affirmative responses. I was forced to buy those jock straps because my husband forgot so I was going to make sure they wore them to every baseball game on our busy baseball schedule. Besides at some point in my life I expected grandchildren.
“Before we leave this driveway, think hard and make sure you have everything you need, we have no room for error.”
I had three of them playing baseball that summer. This particular evening the two older ones had a game at the same time in 2 different cities. I had to be in two places at the same time. The planning for this day started three days earlier and I think math was involved. Drop the middle on off first in our city because his coach is always there early. Take the oldest to the neighboring city where my husband would meet me after he left work. Go back to the spot you dropped off the middle boy, sit and enjoy the rest of the game.
“I have to go to the bathroom.”
Jesus, Mary and Joseph the youngest had to pee. Days of planning blown all to hell because of one simple sentence. I heard myself say,
“Are you sure?”
Of course he was sure, one of them always had to go. My response was an automatic, unbelievable plea, a meek reflex utterance. I froze in my seat, wide eyed.
“Mom?”
I squeezed my eyes shut for a second to regain my senses. There, I got them back, I went into action. Got out of the car, opened the back door. Grabbed the youngest one from the middle of the back seat, looked at the other two and said,
“Don’t move, stay where you are, we’ll be right back.”
We ran to the front door and I ran back to the car for my house keys. The plan was crumbling. By the time we got back in the car I had some serious time to make up. I’m not going to tell you that I broke the laws of physics driving down the long stretch of road on our way to the first baseball field because I did have my whole reason for living in the backseat and would never jeopardize my babies for a couple baseball games. But I did push it a little more than I should have. And that’s when I saw the flashing lights behind me.
“Uh guys? We have to make a stop.”
A round of protests began.
“There is a policeman behind us and we have to stop. Everything is fine just be quiet while I talk to the nice officer.”
Oh please let him be nice.
“Ma’am can I see your license and registration please?”
I complied.
“Did you know you were going 42 in a 25 miles per hour area?”
“Really, it’s 25 here?”
“Yes ma’am. And did you know your license plate tags are expired?”
“Expired?”
“Yes ma’am. Technically I could have your car towed right here, but I’m just going to give you a couple tickets.”
So he was a nice officer because he didn’t leave us on the side of the road. Probably because of the two wide eyed boys in the back seat and sandwiched between them their crying little brother. In a more desperate situation I probably could have got them all to cry but I decide to play fair. And we were on our way to their baseball games, there’s no crying in baseball.
I took a deep breath while I waited for the nice officer to write my tickets. I calmed the youngest down and resigned myself to the fact that we were going to be late to both games and during the traveling from baseball field to baseball field I would be driving illegally.
I dropped the middle one off in the parking lot and waved the tickets in the air at the coach then went to the next field. My husband and my oldest one's coach were standing by the field talking to each other as I arrive. They had puzzled looks on their faces and I again waved the tickets in the air, told my husband I didn’t want to talk about it and I drove back to the first field.
Once there I set up my lawn chair a little further down the left field side than usual, sat down and pulled my youngest onto my lap. I took a deep breath and kissed the top of his little blonde head.
“Mom?”
Here come the many questions I was expecting.
“I have to go to the bathroom.”

Trying to get my festive groove on

I can't pinpoint the exact time or year that I started my mass destruction of hand mixers. It had to be some time after the day my very first one, the one I received at my bridal shower, up and quit. Since then several have died in my hands for no apparent reason what-so-ever.
I started my Christmas cookie baking yesterday with a less than a year old hand mixer. Let me add, who keeps the boxes, receipts and instructions to these hand held kitchen appliances? You open the box and start using them because you know how it works, on, off, eject. So just as I was almost done beating my peanut butter cookies the hand mixer stopped. A string of profanity came out of my mouth during this blessed holiday season just as I was getting started with all the hoopla. My first batch of cookies is where I decided to start getting my festive groove on.
The hand mixer, I thought, was right there with me. I had promised it at least 5 more batches of cookies and 2 applesauce cakes, along with some occasional mashed potatoes this month. But it just stopped. No warning or protest in the form of that electrical burning smell or a whining 'this is too much for me' sound.
Tomorrow I go to WalMart for, what is probably my 17th hand mixer. I'm leaning towards hanging on to the box, receipt and warrantee because this is getting ridiculous.

So how was your morning?

In the shower, with my face all soaped up, I hear a thud. Eff. The husband must have fallen and couldn't get up. Or perhaps he's having a heart attack, stroke or has slipped into a diabetic coma. That's what goes through my head when I'm in the shower almost every day. Not just the husband in harms way but some catastrophic event will happen when I have soap in my eyes while showering rendering me useless and vulnerable. Unable to make life and death decisions because I don't want a rescue squad to see me at my worst. You know, without makeup and my hair wet. Because I know once I call 911 they will send the really hot paramedics to my house.
I called out from the shower,
"Are you alright?"
No response. Eff.
Then I noticed I forgot to turn on the exhaust fan in the newly remodeled bathroom and that is strictly FORBIDDEN. I thought well maybe if he's okay he could turn that switch on for me. A little louder,
"Are you okay?"
Nothing. Eff.
I took my towel, it's on a convenient hook right outside the shower, my idea, that we put there when we remodeled, so I can just grab it and hardly have to open the shower curtain. I took my towel and lay it across the floor because I hate getting the rug wet, you forget as the day goes by and then you step on the wet spots and your socks get wet and I hate wet socks too.
Out of the shower, tip toeing on the towel, soap all over my face I flipped on the exhaust fan and opened the door and yelled,
"Are you alright damn it."
"I'm fine, just tripped. I ripped my sock."
"This is about me now. I'm dripping wet with soap on my face. Why didn't you answer me?"
"I didn't hear you."
I slammed the door and jumped back in the shower. I realized while putting my makeup on later that I did get the rug wet. So I had to drag my socks all the way to my bedroom to put them on and then my slippers, ensuring completely dry socks for the rest of the day.
So how was your morning?

7 things you don't know about me:

This is going around on Face Book. Since I refuse to conform, I took it upon myself to help it spiral out of control.
You are suppose to comment or 'like' someone's list and then they will Private Message you a number. Then you make your own list and so on and so on, yada, yada, yada.

Here are 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I invented the internet.
2. In 6th grade when Sister Helen smacked me in the back and called me a boob I thought it was a premonition of ‘things’ to come, her being a woman of God and all. Sadly I think she was just refraining from calling me a dip shit for holding up the line since I’m quite certain I can still wear the training bra I had on at the time.
3. I have an underground bunker for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, just finished it this past summer. It is in an undisclosed location. It is stocked with beef jerky, Spam, vodka, Tang, water and plenty of guns and ammo. Extra ammo to shoot the heads off the Zombies in case I’m seeing double at the time. And no, don’t even ask, the seats are all taken. Build your own.
4. I am in the witness protection program. That’s all I can say about that.
5. I have 3 Olympic Gold Medals in swimming, 100 metre freestyle, 400 metre individual medley and 200 metre backstroke. They are in a safety deposit box along with my Nobel Peace Prize.
6. I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
7. I have a mote in front of my house filled with frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads.

A repeat post cause I'm sick

This is a repeat post from Divine Caroline because I have a sinus thing and I'm finally going to the doctor tomorrow. Snot has blocked my thought process and I'm lazy.



Do-It-Yourself Home Improvement Advice

Run. Hide. Cry. You know what, just run.
I have an utter disdain for Do-It-Yourself Home Improvement. Let me sum it up by telling you that I hate it, with the white hot intensity of a 1,000 suns. But most of us wives of the average Joe’s haven’t the funds to hire someone to hang a drop ceiling in the bedroom that was made downstairs. Or we don’t want to rob our husbands from the simple joys of hammering and sawing stuff. Some of us are married to men that like to rip down walls, reconstruct new walls and then paint them. I have that kind of husband and he’s teaching our boys how to turn a house inside out also. They bond while the dog and I hide in my office.
The problem with ripping down walls is that you need to have some basic plumbing and electrical knowledge. These are learning as you go skills. Basically it means they learn by their mistakes and so do I. Depending on the Do It Yourself job my husband is undertaking determines whether I stay in the house or head for the hills. Saturday I should have run. Here’s what happened and remember it is all about me all the time.
Like I said the dog and I were hold up in my office, she is uncomfortable with the loud noises coming from the basement so she sticks to me like glue. Which is fine, having the dog curled up at my feet while I write the next great American novel has always been a dream of mine. I tuned out the hammering as the husband and Boy #3 were installing the ceiling. All was well.
But not for long, the hammering and sawing stopped, there was a pause. I lifted my head from the computer, my brow furrowed in a perplexed but alert state. Something wasn’t right, I could feel it. That is about the time I heard yelling, things dropping and more yelling. I couldn’t make out what they were actually saying but I’m pretty sure it was something my mom would get mad at if I wrote it down. I sprang from my office to see what was the matter.
Down the hall, down the steps, turned the corner and was immediately met with water that sprayed me right smack in the face. I ran right into a chaotic situation. Water was spewing from the wall, they hit a water pipe and water was shooting out of said pipe. The main water shut off valve is in the closet, under our stairs, behind the winter coats, and then behind the boxes of Christmas decorations. In other words, all the way in the back of the closet behind everything. The husband started grabbing winter coats and throwing them to the side, Boy #3, as I peered around the corner, looked liked the little Dutch boy with his finger on the hole in the dike but got there way too late and the town would be lost or our new floor.
They both started to yell out to me for help at the same time, it was like Sophie’s Choice. Do I save the drowning youngest of my three boys or my husband trying to finding the shut off valve in the deep dark closet? I sprang to action, ran back upstairs and grabbed the flashlight I on my nightstand. The bucket was in the bathroom, it was the one I swore I would never, ever let them use because they ruin everyone I buy, I picked that up on my return to the stairs. Back down I went, was met with another spray of water to my face as I threw the bucket at my son, threw it right at him. The husband had now made his way to the shut off valve, he was wedged between suitcases and the boxes of Christmas decorations. He yelled again,
“I need a rag.”
And I produced one immediately after climbing over a few boxes. I shined the flashlight in the general vicinity of the main water valve, I’m not sure it helped. I couldn’t see anything back there but I did hear some bells jingle. After a series of grunts the sound of water gushing into the freshly painted, reconstructed bedroom stopped.
Once the husband and I squeezed ourselves out of the closet we stepped into the bedroom and the three of us froze for just a moment, breathing heavily with only our eyes moving, darting around wildly looking back and forth at each other and the puddles of water where we stood. The husband broke the silence,
“We have to get this water off the floor. Save the floor.”
We sprang into action with towels, buckets and the shop vac. You see the ceiling was the last step in the basement bedroom make-over, if we lost the flooring we were back to step one. Boy #3 has been impatiently waiting behind two older brothers for this room. He wants his stuff down there before one of them comes back. I call it the bachelor pad, the transition room where they gain a little independence, pay a few bills and free an extra room upstairs. I have such wonderful plans for my office, I just need to get some of this junk out of here and into the new empty room. The husband, I know this, has plans for a man cave when we get the last of the birdies out of the nest. We all had our reasons to save the floor and we worked swiftly.
Now it’s a waiting game to see if the floor buckles. The pipe, that shouldn’t even be there, what the hell is it doing there? is fixed. It is now Wednesday and so far so good. There is a hole in the wall that needs to be repaired and then they have to paint again.
So if you should see your husband with a hammer in his hand and it’s the weekend, grab your keys, check to see if your credit cards are present and accounted for in your purse, make sure the dog has food and water, then get the hell out of there. Stay away for hours and pray that when you return you have running water and the lights switches work.

Right in front of my house chronicles: The joggers

“Okay, I need to see some milk mustaches. Drink your milk before you leave the dinner table.”

Three little hands grabbed the cup, not glass, of milk in front of them. As they drank their milk they would take turns showing the husband and me their milk mustache progress. They would giggle, we would laugh at them, it was a typical evening Summer dinner time ritual. Everyone that lived in the house was around the table.

So you can imagine our surprise when we heard the front door swing open rather forcefully. The husband and I made eye contact but before we could act we heard a young girl call for help. We ran to the door and as soon as the girl saw us she continued,

“My sister, she fell, please call 911.”

She was half way down our driveway when she said 911. I looked in the direction she ran and saw a body lying motionless on the sidewalk in front of my house. The neighbors were starting to converge.

“You make the call,” I said to the husband. Then I looked at my little boys, “Keep them in here, I’ll go.”

I reached the girl and knelt down next to her. Another woman joined us.

“We were jogging and she tripped on something I think. I don’t know. Is she going to be okay?”

I wish I could have said ‘yes she’s going to be fine.’ But she didn’t look fine. Her eyes were open but she stared straight ahead. She made involuntary movements and drool trickled out of her mouth. I looked at the other woman and she told me to go get a pillow. As I stood up to run I heard the woman start to pray and then the sound of sirens in the distance.

I ran out with a pillow, there were more neighbors. I held the girl by the shoulders and said,

“Where do you live honey? I’ll send someone to get your parents.”

She gave me her address, it wasn’t far. Three or four neighbors took off. We moved out of the way for the Paramedics. The woman that originally arrived with me grabbed my hand and continued to pray.

The girl was eventually put into a ambulance and it speed away. The crowd dispersed. I looked down at the pillow for a few minutes, when I looked up I was alone. Never during the commotion did I get a name. I never saw the praying lady again. But two days later the young girl appeared at my doorstep and she knocked this time.

“I just wanted to thank you for all your help with my sister.”

“Is she okay? What happened?”

There were so many questions and so few answers that evening.

“She’s going to be okay. We were jogging and she stepped on a rock. She went down so fast that she hit her head on the sidewalk before she had time to put her arms out to stop herself.”

We talked for a few moments and hugged. I told her to keep me posted on how her sister was doing but I never heard from her again.

I went inside to finish dinner. I poured three cups of milk and placed them on the table. Looking forward to milk mustaches, I called my family to dinner.

Life is fragile, I have learned to enjoy each day God gives me. I have learned quite a bit over the years just by watching outside my front window.

Shit that happens in front of my house. The telephone pole.

I have decided to start a new series on my blog. Since loosing the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude, which I don't think I will ever get over, I feel my blog is lacking content. And the Russians have been quiet, maybe too quiet.

So let's go way back for my first entry in "Shit that happens in front of my house."
There was a time back in the day when the husband and I had only one kid, Boy #1 and we thought we were busy having a two year old. So after a day of chasing him around the house, we still don't know how he avoided having his chest of drawers smash down on him when he pulled the drawers out and made steps to climb to the top. But there he stood in the middle of his room with the entire piece of furniture toppled over. When he wasn't climbing things he was sticking whatever would fit into the VCR.
But that particular night we got him to bed and settled into our recliners for a quiet night and to watch a little TV. After about an hour we heard a big thud and crunch. Both of our heads snapped up. We looked at each other perplex. The husband was closest to the door. He jumped up and looked outside.
"Call the police."
"Wha..."
"Call an ambulance."
He was out the door before I could get anymore information. I would have liked more information, as I was about to make an emergency call and had no idea why. But I dialed,
"911 what's your emergency?"
"Uh, my husband and I just heard a loud bang in front of our house and he told me to call the police and an ambulance."
"Is someone injured ma'am?"
It was the 80's, I was tethered to a telephone cord. I had no idea what was going on.
"I don't know I can't see what's going on, I'm going by what my husband is yelling at me."
"Okay we'll send someone out."
"Thank you."
I hung up the phone and ran to the door. There I saw a car with it's front end wrapped around the telephone in our front yard. I also saw the husband, several neighbors, one of them an off duty cop. They were talking to a teenage girl. She was standing so I figured we might not need an ambulance. Then I saw the husband point to me at my front door. The girl walked my way and asked,
"Can I use your phone?"
Wide eyed and in awe I said,
"Sure."
I eaves dropped, off course. She was calling her dad. She got off the phone.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, but I wrecked my dads car."
And she went back outside. 10 minutes later I had a man at my front door asking to use my phone. It was the dad and he was calling a tow truck. He was frazzled.
"Is everything alright?"
"Sure, she's fine the car isn't. My son just totaled my wife's car last week. He's fine, the car isn't. Teenagers. What are you going to do?"
He thanked me and left.
I decided to remain in the house,
1. because I was in my pajamas and
B. because I had a two year old that was amazingly still sleeping.
I waited for the husband to come back and fill me in on what I missed. He walked in the house shaking his head.
"What?" I asked.
"The cop two houses down got there right after me."
"Yeah?"
"We got her out of the car and she was fine. Asked her what happened and she told us she dropped her cigarette and was trying to find it when she ran into the pole."
Then he started to laugh,
"She says to me and the guy she didn't know was a cop not to tell the police that when they get here. She said she was going to tell them she miss judged the car parked on the street and swerved around it hitting the telephone pole. You should have saw her face when she found out George was a cop."

Daryl and Walker, the continuation of my goldfish saga

Several months ago my home office received a facelift. It's my girl room, woman cave, whatever, it's mine. I decided to add a goldfish bowl and fill it with two fish. I named them Daryl and Daryl. Not the Bob Newhart Daryls. I named them after Daryl from The Walking Dead.
I still have one original Daryl who has owned up to his name. I think he's killing the other Daryls when I'm not looking, he's a survivalist and I'm somewhat impressed. Although I have to go to the pet store once a month or so after I flush Daryls latest kill down the toilet.
Today I gave up on the idea of two Daryls and named the new room mate Walker. He's the one with the black strip on his back. Daryl's going to get him anyway so I might as well name him appropriately. You really have to be a The Walking Dead fan to understand. If Daryl gets this one I'm thinking of having a little goldfish size crossbow fashioned for him. Again, you have to be a fan.

Where's her penis?

I know, I laughed too when I first heard Boy #2 say that. Actually he demanded to know as he peered over my friends shoulder. She was changing her daughters diaper and Boy #2 was there to, I don't know, offer assistance, he being just out of diapers himself and a little brother still in them I guess he thought my friend, a new mom, could use some help from an all knowing three year old. But when he leaned in for a look see, his jaw dropped to the ground. His eyes grew wide and darted around the immediate area, frantically searching, "Where's her penis?" My friend gave me a helpless look.
Honestly, I was surprised Boy #2 was just finding this out, I thought his older brother would have told him by now. The kid knew more about the birds and the bees by the time he was ten than I did. An older brother with neighborhood friends brings information much sooner than necessary.
I hesitated when the question was asked and my friend, a pro-active, take charge kind of person, explained the difference between boys and girls to my son. She never let's me forget this.
The next day I decided I needed to be more responsive for my boys inquisitive little minds, so I sat them down and said, "All penis questions go to dad, he has one, I don't. If it's an emergency, I'll try to answer to the best of my ability, but the questions will be run by dad at a later time and date."

Happy 50th Birthday Bedford High School Class of '81

In the late months of 1962 and early months of 1963 the Bedford High School class of 1981 was born. At that time our worlds revolved around whoever was changing our diapers and feeding us, most likely our parents. We grew in the confines of our family and once they trusted us to listen to their rules and regulations they opened the back door and said,

“Go make some friends.”

We did as we were told and our little worlds expanded. Then one day they put us on a bus and we were told,

“Go learn something and make some more friends.”

The community had several different grade schools and your geographical location determined which building you entered for the next 7 years. Unless you were one of the few, like me, that were sent to toil under the wrath of the nuns in Catholic school. We all did our 7 year sentences and widened our group of friends. We knew there were others like us in different locations and as the years went along we would actually meet some of them in the 7^th grade. There were two junior high schools waiting for us to converge, half of the community in Moody Junior High and the other half in Heskett Junior High.

When they opened those doors for us we were now 2 groups of pimple faced, wide eyed, know it all Junior High School students waiting for the day we would be one class. And in 1978 we, the Bedford High School Class of 1981 were all under one roof. While navigating our new surroundings we formed new friendships. We joined groups, both academic and athletic. We had three years to make our mark in Bedford High School. Some of us excelled and stood out, while others blended in. We became bonded whether we wanted to or not, we were the class of ’81, forever joined through fate.

When we graduated we vowed to stay friends. Then we scattered, some off to college, others joined the work force right away. Some of us married and had children. Others moved out of state, joined the military and we lost some along the way.

This year we turned 50, unbelievable but we are all 50 years old. On August 3, 2013 some of us got together and had a big birthday party for ourselves. It was a great party and so wonderful to see my classmates. We were slowly drawn together throughout our adolescence and will be for the rest of our lives. I am happy to say I am a part of this fine group of people. From the day we held hands walking into our Kindergarten classes to the day we hugged and cried after we threw our graduation caps into the air, we are one, we are the Bedford High School Class of 1981.

Yeah, okay, let's redo the bathroom

This is what happens when you say,
"Yeah, okay, let's redo the bathroom."
Right now there is no ceiling, walls, tub, toilet and the floor is being ripped out in a matter of hours. And I signed up for this. It's being done because as the husband says,
"Why the hell did they put that there? Why would they do that? What were they thinking when they did this? You've got to be kidding me what kind of moron would put this here?"
'They' are the previous owner and the original builders. And these utterances are muttered by the husband every time he works on the house. So all the slow leaks are being addressed during this remodeling. That's why we get to rip out the floor and ceiling. Might as well take out the walls too.
We have moved all our bathroom essentials into Boy #3's bathroom in the basement. He's more than happy to have us, ha. He's really been a lot of help with the remodeling, trying to get it done as quick as possible. The husband got up at 4:00 am to go to the bathroom, didn't realize the dog followed him until he made his way back and saw her in bed with Boy #3, licking his face. I don't care what you say, that right there is funny. He might as well get use to us, he's probably the one we are living with when we get old and can't take care of ourselves. Actually I believe I put that in my will during his teenage years.
So I have all my things in his bathroom, it's like when you go to a hotel and all your stuff is on the top of the vanity. It's out of place and confusing. The first night I went in there to get ready for bed I forgot to take out my left contact. The next morning I went to put my contacts in and was perplexed. The left side of the case had contact solution in it but no contact, WTF? I looked all over, thinking I dropped it. Back upstairs I'm explaining my dilemma to the husband, who showed no interest what so ever. I went to find the box that had my extra contacts in it and stopped for a moment, asked myself,
"Why can I see out of both eyes right now?"
Doh! I slept with the left contact still on my eyeball. I told this story to Boy #3 when he got home from work and he looked scared. Maybe he thinks I'm losing it faster than he thought I would.

That's what she said

I don't know if I was the object of a practical joke or a genuine entrepreneurial pitch was being thrown my way. But whatever it was, it was awkward.
I hear a knock on the front door. This threw me off because the dog was out there, she let someone through. If a Jehovah's Witness 'witnessed' that, I'm screwed. She's my unwanted visitor deterrent. If I see anybody walking the neighborhood with a clipboard or paired up in there Sunday best carrying pamphlets, I let the dog out. It's pretty safe to say only friends and relatives make it to my front door unless they have chocolate, then she gets put in the back bedroom and I run for the husbands wallet. I never let a little kid with a box of fundraising chocolate get scared away from my house.
I went to see who the dog deemed acceptable to knock on my door. It was three young boys, one tall blonde kid and two short kids. I went out the door and stood on the front stoop with them. I scrunched my eyebrows together and looked at the tall one because he was trying to speak but having trouble with what he had to say. It went something like this:
"We split wood. I mean we are going to start tomorrow."
Giggles from the short ones.
"We charge 50 cents for....I mean....sorry. You are our first stop."
So I interjected and I couldn't communicate without it sounding terribly wrong if you let your mind go there and it did because, 'That's what she said' is a common phrase used in our family. So I carefully said,
"Are you saying you need wood or you have wood."
Gah.
Giggles from the short ones again. And the tall one said,
"No we don't have any, we were wondering if you needed any split."
"No we don't have any wood here."
Ooops I did it again. I wanted this conversation to be done. The dog was wagging her tail and enjoying the attention from these 3 pranksters. And I was feeling set up. Why couldn't they just be selling chocolate?
"Sorry guys we don't have any wood, but thanks for coming by."
Oh my God I couldn't stop myself.

I can't think of a title because I have a headache

I went to the pool today to clear my brain. It has been floating in snot for days and I fear I may have been rendered an idiot. So the thought of being poolside appealed to me and my latest sinus cavity invasion.
I planned to set up in my spot, doze off on a reclined pool chair and pretend I hadn't a care in the world. The first obstacle towards this nirvana was that the lifeguards had the radio on just a little too loud and I found myself singing along with most of the songs. Then in came the Russians, new ones. They started with their Russian conversations right when Highway to Hell came on the radio. Does anyone know how to say 'world domination' in Russian? Honestly they could have been playing Marco Polo or discussing they're plans for us unsuspecting Americans once they took over Northeast, Ohio. There was no way to tell what they were up to.
The combination of snot, good tunes on the radio and Russian speak had my brain bopping around and slamming against my skull like a bobble head doll on the dashboard of a beat up old pick up truck, traveling the back dusty roads to the nearest water hole. I am an idiot.
I only stayed another half hour then went home. I took a shot of Nyquil, during the day, because I'm a rebel that way. I'm doing my best to record this afternoon in this post but if it comes out Russian, I don't think I should be held responsible.

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This is my 800th post on this blog. Send me presents.

Because I'm a dork

I had on my Arrested Development t-shirt while shopping today. On it says, "There is always money in the banana stand." I loved that show, have been watching the repeats, somehow trying to see season 4 but I don't have Netflix. Boy #1 and daughter-in-law #1 bought the t-shirt for my birthday. Yay.
Let's get back to WalMart, sorry. I'm wearing the t-shirt, we've established that but it's an important part of the story. I find myself in the produce section. I look over the bananas and place a small bunch in my shopping cart. I look at the bananas. I look at my t-shirt. I look at the banana display. I repeated this several time before I say, "How ironic."
I started to linger at the Banana Stand. Do I ask a complete stranger to take my picture? How about this employee stocking onions? I knew I would kick myself if I didn't get a picture. I decided if I saw someone I knew then the stars have aligned, the moon was in the seventh house and I was meant to have my picture taken in WalMart, with my Banana Stand t-shirt, next to the banana display.

As soon as I made that decision I started on my way to the check out and there she was, Sarah. A young lady my kids went to school with, a poor unsuspecting kid that was going to take my picture with a pile of bananas. I just sort of lead her away from whatever she was doing and explained to her not to worry, I do this all the time. Because I'm a dork. I also looked for the scene on You Tube, but couldn't find the entire one and didn't feel like looking real hard.  Thank you Sarah! I have a new essay published in Imperfect Parent. Very exciting. I you could please click the link and then click their little Face Book icon so they think I'm popular. I would really appreciate it. Here!

Kookamongaville's cast of characters are beginning to emerge

Sometimes it takes a little bit of sunshine to get people out of their houses and start to walk amongst us. This includes all my crazy neighbors who have started to emerge. First the dog and I walked down the Pajama Mans street because we haven't been there in quite some time. It was time to check on him, we were both wondering if he had received any new pajamas or if he was still rockin' his old ones. We were disappointed to see he wasn't wandering the streets but his chair was out, garage door open and he flag was up. We will have to try again tomorrow.
On the up side I said good morning to the Russian Lady, she was out for her march. She doesn't walk, she marches. Perhaps that's what they do in third world communist countries, you know learn to march before they can walk. I didn't get a good morning back in her heavy Russian accent, just a nod. I think she's scared of the dog. I'm pretty sure she's Russian, she sounds like it to me. But I have learned from Dancing With The Stars that Ukrainians sound the same. So who know where she learned to march. I just can't wait to get poolside when she's there with all her kin to listen to them ishkabibble.
So the neighborhood promises to be a continuing source of amusement for my blog now that we are almost sure it isn't going to snow anymore. Kookamonga is on the loose.

WalMart you big beautiful building of 7 kinds of crazy, nothing but love for you.

I sent the husband to the wild goose chase that is WalMart. He said he was going there to pick up something and asked if I wanted anything. He was expecting me to say milk or bread. Instead I rattled off a list that I was certain he would ignore and I would end up going myself. But since it was my birthday he told me that I better write it down. Huh?

Still unconvinced I began to write items on my list that where out of the ordinary. For instance coconut milk, I have developed a taste for it and was running low. Kale, who doesn’t enjoy a good kale and spinach smoothie? I put spinach on the list too. I told him to get himself some tangerines and of course we needed milk.

He told me he wandered the aisles for coconut milk, called me from the produce aisle and asked me what kale looked like. I then told him I forgot to put chocolate on the list. By the time he got to one of the 2 open check out lines he was frazzeled. It isn’t a good idea to be frazzeled before you get there because you damn sure are going to be once you’re standing in line. I’ve learned to just read a magazine while standing during incompetence. But the husband let’s the smoke come out of his ears and pops several blood vessels in his brain. Veins swell on his forehead and neck. Really if you’ve ever seen him in a WalMart line you would next expect him to transform into The Hulk. In fact I think he does turn a little bit green.

By the time he got home with everything on the list but kale he was wound up tighter than a drum. And with a new found appreciation for me since I do this chore once a week. You might think this was a little evil of me to send him out there, alone to the WalMart wolves but he was making fun of my age all day. I feel I was justified.

That was a nice visit, don't ever freaking do it again

And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Ever since my boys learned the joy of sleeping in on the weekends I sleep until at least 10:00 am on Saturday mornings. And the past few years I have become a night owl. Whether it's my journey to meet writing success or playing Sims, I'm up until 2:00 am at times, like last night. So you can imagine my surprise when Boy #2 and almost daughter-in-law #2 came a visitin' at 9:30 AM, that's morning, AM is, without a box of doughnuts or anything. 9:30 PM is way more doable for me unless there's something good on TV.
The dog started barking bringing both the husband and I out of our Saturday morning slumber. I lifted my head, cocked it to the side and scrunched up my face.
"What?"
"Nothing, just thought I heard something."
I rested my head back on my beloved pillow only to quickly lift it back up.
"Do you hear something?"
The husband muttered something and got out of bed. I heard him talking to Boy #2, that's when I started to mutter and got out of bed.
I made myself some coffee and didn't offer any to our crack of dawn visitors because at that moment there wasn't a single cordial bone in my body. It took me a while to join in the conversation but once I worked the cobwebs out of my head I asked them what the hell they were doing here. And they said they were in the neighborhood, they knew they would wake us up but stopped anyway. There is no way either of these two are making my favorite child list any time soon. To reiterate, no doughnuts, no mocha.
So we talked for a while, still I offered no coffee, they know where to find the coffee making machine. And you know how some conversations end up in a direction that you never thought it would go? We ended up talking about Saturday Night Live back in the day. And they asked us,
"Who is Dan Aykroyd?"
Gah!

That old lady smell

I'm not dissing old ladies, some day I will be one God willing. But I'd like to put it off as long as possible. So I need to know what that old lady scent is so I don't inadvertently buy one of it's products. I'm rather sensitive about my age at the moment.
Oh and just to let everyone know if you have a party for me I will kick you till your dead. Most of my friends and family know what expensive gifts I want but if you need a list just ask.
WalMart, you plethora a blogging fodder, I love you. I turned the corner to go down my next aisle and ran smack into a old lady smell cloud. Whoa. She had just come up the aisle I was going down. And on my way down she left a trail of her scent lingering in the air, dissipating the further I got. It isn't an unpleasant smell it's just one associated with old lady. Somebody has to know what these old ladies are dousing themselves in each day of their lives. And I need to know. I will await your responses. Thank you.

Remember the deck step is broken

These words resonated in my head as I gathered the necessary items for my venture into the backyard. All day I had heard something banging in the wind and I mistook it as noise from the work going on down the street. But as night fell and the backyard was enveloped in darkness the thump continued. Peering out the back windows of the house I could see our shed door had been left open. Will someone with in the sound of my voice close the shed that I didn't open? No, they are all deaf to the sound of my voice and as the old saying goes, "if you want something done, do it yourself."
I put on a pair of over sized boots because they were there, I found a non-battery needed lantern that had a crank and I cranked it. The dog always escapes out the backdoor, down the steps and runs like the wind next door, it's where her boyfriend lives. It was important that I didn't let that happen so I backed my way out the door onto the steps and shoved her nose back inside. As I turned I held up my cranked lantern to make sure the beast wasn't lurking below.
You can see I had many distractions, you can see how a broken step can slip your mind. Until you step on it of course. So through the step I went, dropped the crank lantern, got my foot tangled in the wrought iron plant stand stored under the steps, fell forward trying to grab the stupid lantern and cried a little bit.
You get to a certain age that before moving after such a tumble you assess the damage you've inflicted upon yourself. When you are 90% sure nothing is broken you start to climb your way out and close the damn shed door. This happened Monday and I'm still moving slow. And doing quite a bit of bitching and moaning.

I thought we had this Dry Cleaning drama under control

Everything was going fine. I was making quite a bit of progress getting over the loss of The Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude blog fodder. My new dry cleaner, boring but competent, was just another errand. They gave me nothing to work with writing wise but when you have WalMart a bloggers life is somewhat complete anyway. So I dropped the husbands shirts off on Friday and picked up his shirts from the Friday before without incident. 

I have been picking up and dropping off shirts for years and years. One thing that has never happened is a dry cleaner telling me that the heat from the shirt press can make a shirt spontaneously com-bust because it's old. I may have been born at night but not last night. This isn't an old shirt, not new but definitely not old. My dry cleaner, see I don't even have a blog name for her, told me she'd patch it for me. I'll let that sink in.....patch it.

Okay, I do not intend to send the husband off to work looking like a hobo. I mentioned to her that in all my years of getting shirts cleaned I have never seen anything like this and she assured me that it happens all the time. Really? Huh. We had a five minute discussion over this problem, actually I dragged it out to she if she was going to charge me for the shirt she blew up. She did. I left my last set of shirts with her today and now I have to look for another damn dry cleaner. One that doesn't go on vacation to China and never come back, one that doesn't loose shirts and one that doesn't blow them up.

Lesson of the day - never get to comfortable.

Bitching and moaning about the weather, just to get it out of my system

On March 10th Northeast, Ohio enjoyed a sunshine and lollipop day with 50 degree temperatures. Native Northeast Ohioans know it's a cruel trick from Mother Nature. But we never learn and our biggest mistake is enjoying the warm weather in March too much. In the back of our brains where we store the weather memories there is a tiny voice telling us,
"Winter isn't over, pace yourself and Jesus, Mary and Joseph, don't do anything stupid."
I have compiled a list of the stupid:
1. Do not look for a pair of shorts and your flip flops.
2. Do not put any sweaters away, even the big bulky wool one that itches if you wear in a temperature above 7 degrees.
3. Look at the picture of my front steps. See the snow shovel propped up against the steps? That will be there until June 1st. Never put your snow shovels away in March, ever."
4. Snow blowers (see stupid #3) Cousin Mike, I hope you are reading this. You put your snow blower away, admitted it and now see what you've done. Part of this is your fault and I told you so. Pretty sure I swore at you too.
5. It's too early to play corn hole.
6. The rock salt that you have near the front door to keep from cracking your head open by slipping on the icy steps, leave it there all year. Just put an umbrella in front of it, people will understand.
7. When we are driving stay out of our way because we have only scraped enough ice off our windshield to see straight ahead until the defroster melts the rest. Seriously, we can't see when we are driving in March snow.
8. Rodents with cutesy names don't know there ass from a hole in the ground. Expecting them to predict the weather.....stupid.
9. If you have just moved to our lovely part of the fruited plain we expect a mistake or two the first couple years. But if you keep it up we will be at your doorstep with pitch forks and torches.
10. Don't enjoy yourself too much, this bares repeating.
There you have it, my expert non-jinxing weather advice.

Just one more thing. I had an essay published in the online parent magazine The Imperfect Parent. Go to this link and click on the thumbs up 'like' button: Let's pretend you didn't break your arm and go on vacation

Then maybe I'll look popular and they will give me more assignments. This will be the last time I bug you for this, probably.

Bears don't fit under cars

The past summer our area news stations were reporting bear sightings. I've lived here my whole life and have never, ever seen a bear except at the zoo. I was slightly concerned over this news. I didn't want to be on the television show 'When Animals Attack' and I plan to keep all of my limbs as long as possible. That being said when I heard a growl last night.........it freaked me out man. 
I'm lucky if I get to bed by midnight and one of the last things I do before climbing in bed is let the dog out. I am careful to check for other dogs being walked down the street, the deer and any other wildlife before I attach her to her lead and open the front door.
Here is where 'it isn't my fault' comes into play.
The husband complains that I don't leave her out long enough and when I go to bed and he stays up the dog bothers him to go back out. So last night, against my better judgement, I put her out and went to wash my face. Men, where do I start? Once they are in their recliners with the remote in their hand and their feet propped up they have a very limited reaction time. A dog barking past midnight doesn't phase them. So when the dog started barking I came down the hallway drying my face with a towel, headed for the front door and on my way said,
"See."
"Huh?"
"The dog is going to wake the neighbors."
Fifty percent of the time she goes out she gets herself wrapped around the light post or stuck on the corners of the front steps. I have to take my slippers off and put on boots to get her loose. Then she runs in and hides one of my slippers. But last night mayhem ensued.
I got to the door. Painting you a picture here. One of our cars is usually parked next to the front steps. The dog is stuck on the steps but has enough slack to get her head halfway under the car. She's barking and the hairs on her back are sticking straight up. I hissed her name to get her to shut up and she did. But then I heard a growl coming from under the car. I whimpered. The corner she was stuck on was closest to the car. Jesus, Mary and Joseph I'm going to die or at least loose a hand and get rabies. I'm holding the dog by the collar and trying to maneuver the lead off the corner that was right by the beast under the car while mumbling incoherently to the husband. Something came out like,
"There's a... it's... something is under the car... it's growling... the dog... something is growling... help... the dog is stuck... help... it's growling... under the car... help."
I was 100% sure it wasn't a bear but it was pissed. The husband and I freed the dog and brought her in, she was hopped up on the scent of the beast and ran from the front window to the front door, over and over again. She was protecting her turf. While she continued, the husband laughed at me for being such a girl. I blamed him for the dog being out that late unsupervised and for my wet slippers. I didn't have time to change into boots when I saw her head under the car.
This morning he was still making fun of me and I'm sure Brent already knows about this story but I wanted him to hear my side. And to the rest of my readers my side is enough as I am sure you all agree it's the husbands fault.

Yes, cabin fever has taken hold

They let me out of the house today. I really need to mingle amongst the general public a little more than just grocery shopping every Friday at WalMart. I talk to myself more than anyone else, I'm my own BFF. Usually I am a pretty interesting person to talk to, humorous, friendly and barely have any marbles missing. That's what I told myself the other day. But even I can get bored with me.
Yes, cabin fever has taken hold.
Today I went to the dentist. Let me ask, is it wrong to be jealous of the guy in the cubical next to you that is getting a prescription for Vicodin? I think you should be given a sedative the moment you walk into the dentist office doors. Or at least offered a cocktail. Instead I had to white knuckle the dentist chair arms while my teeth were scraped. There was a drill on the right of me and Vicodin talk to the left. There I was stuck in the middle fully alert.
After the torture I received my free toothbrush, travel size toothpaste and a mini dental floss. I made my next 6 month check up which will be in the summer and made a point of telling the ladies in the office that the next time I see them I will have on flip flops and please have the margaritas ready.
My next stop was to get my hair done. I just got it cut but I think I'm suppose to say done. This is another chore for me. I can not remember a time that I walked out of a hair salon and liked my hair. The stylist will give me a mirror when they are done cutting, twirl me around and ask if I like it and I always say 'yep it looks good'. But on the inside I'm telling myself 'I can fix this when I get home'. Because really what else can you do? It isn't like they can put your hair back on your head.
The next stop, mom and dads. I did this before I went home to fix my hair manly because it doesn't matter what I do my mother will not like it. I walked in the door and she said 'huh, it's short'. Told you. In all the pictures of me as a little girl my hair was in a ponytail stuck on top of my head, what did she expect from me as I took control of my own hair. I had nothing to look back on except to give up and look like a dork.
That was my day out of the house. Now I can only wait until I am let out again.

Sometimes you have to write stuff down

A couple years ago I snapped and wrote this scathing memo to my family. I'm sure everyone has had this problem, you need to write something down and can't find a piece of paper. I know I'm right on this conundrum.
I would place a pad of paper in the kitchen junk drawer. I thought, like many, this was a given. Pad of paper in junk drawer with pen and pencils. How could you go wrong? When you have to hurry up and write something down, bam, pad and pen at the ready.
But no, someone always takes the pad of paper leaving you running around the house, usually on the phone, trying to find a piece of paper to write down vital information. No matter how many times you scream at your family to leave it in its spot, it continually disappears.
I took matters into my own hands and threatened them,
"Bad things will happen if anyone removes this pad of paper from this spot!"
Exclamation point, underlined and I even drew a scary stick figure face so they knew I meant business. I left it there. It wasn't too long before they started to defile it, as you can see in the picture. And it has also become the paper on which you test a pen to see if it works. But with all the abuse it has taken over the years, it still remains in its spot. So yeah, they are scared of me, totally.

Farvel Cargo's Top 10 Best Posts of 2012

It's about damn time. January 2013 is almost over and I haven't posted anything anywhere. I could give you a list of excuses but I don't want to start the new year off whining. 

There are only 39 posts from 2012 to choose from as I missed my goal of 100 by 61. Doh! 

A great way to start off the list is with:

Farvel Cargo's most noteworthy and best top 10 posts of 2011

Planning for the End of the World I was really into the end of the world Mayan stuff in 2012, it made blogging easy.

From the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude Files #OMG - WTF Who didn't cry at least a little when they found this out?

Snot Preparedness Process I'm only into March but I've been sick on and off since the middle of October. I thought this was appropriate.

I never thought it would end this way Who could forget 2012 was the year I lost my Dry Cleaning Besties?

Don't make me get my flying monkeys I always think a post is good when I yell at my children.

Welcome to Kookamongaville, I will be your Captain I can't leave out the crazy neighbors.

The neighborhood is slowly spiraling out of control Perhaps in 2013 I will have a grip on the neighborhood.

I sat on a bee Bringing back childhood memories.

Elevator Conversations And inside my head conversations.

So there you have them, my top 10 posts. Actually I think they are all great. You shoud get yourself a cup of coffee and read all of 2012.