Talking About The Snow

Last time I checked, I had three boys. That's 27 months of being an incredibly uncomfortable pregnant woman and roughly 34 hours of labor. 23 years of accumulated gray hairs. About 7 trips to the emergency room. 9,357 hours of lost sleep and still counting. So I ask you................

Why in the name of Zeus's butt hole did I just shovel the driveway?

The dog tried to help but she's fighting a losing battle, no opposable thumbs. Look at the poor thing, her koochie pop is buried in the snow and she's still peeing like a trooper.

Taking my life in my own hands I ventured off to work Wednesday morning after Mother Nature dumped a foot of snow onto Northeast Ohio. Dumped in a short amount of time. Which makes traveling hazardous. What usually takes me 15 minutes to get to work took me an hour. I should have gone to the bathroom before I left. I don't remember ever driving in such bad conditions.
Nothing got done at work because we were all talking about the snow, those of us that made it in. We were sent home at noon. And then this morning we wasted another hour or two talking about the snow. Tomorrow more snow is expected. Where's my heating pad?

Clear A Path To The Bathroom, Here He Comes

Ever so quietly I made myself lunch when I got home from work, left-over baked chicken, a baked potato and some broccoli. It was delicious. Tonight I plan to dine on left-over Red Lobster, rum and citris glazed shrimp on rice. And this I will do while the husband prepares for his colonoscopy. He's right now, flushing out his system. He's about 4 glasses into his gallon of colon blow. The boys have been warned to stay out of the bathroom path, I haven't seen them in hours, thank God for mindless video games. They are on their own as far as eating goes. It's every man for himself when colonoscopy preparations are in full movement. Ha.
We've been through his before, he says it's like drinking a gallon of salt water. The shrimp sounds a lot better to me. As long as I stay out of his way and can keep my mouth shut, we'll still be married tomorrow.

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I feel the need to update:

"Where's my coffee woman?"
Oh he did not just say that. How much do I let him get away with?
"So we're talking now?"
He's almost done with the gallon of evil liquid, the look on his face is that of pure agony, no variation whatsoever. And there was a very brief discussion of what's for dinner tomorrow after the horror is over. No menu has been planned yet, it will be steak, but I'm not going out in 9 degree weather to cook it. I haven't softened up that much yet.

The Unmistakable, Over-Powering Smell of Bleach

Not ever wanting to re-visit the world of surgical procedures again, we, my brother, my mom and myself, found ourselves doing just that. Dad needed surgery. We're thinking of having a zipper installed on him, that way the surgeons can just un-zip him when they need to get in there. Our last experience at the world renowned Cleveland hospital took us three months to get dad out, after a raging infection struck. This is why mom decided to take matters into her own hands.
The hospital takes the families of the patient every step of the way through surgery. They even give you one of those pager thingamabobs that you get at Red Lobster while waiting for a table. It's really quite remarkable, we got to dads room before he did. The nurse told us, "He'll be up soon, we're just getting his paper work finished. You can wait in the room if you'd like, there's no room-mate yet."
"Yes, yes, we'll wait in his room." And mom ushered us in.
I'm usually pretty sharp but after meandering from one waiting room to the next all day and eating cafeteria food, I didn't pick up on the weird vibe coming from mom until it was too late. She had us in the room. My brother was oblivious to what was about to happen until mom said to him, "You, you watch the door."
"Oh, you're really going to do this."
"What?"

Mom told me of a plan she devised before the surgery, 'We're going to clean everything is his room with bleach so he doesn't get another infection.' 'You're going to take bleach to the hospital mom?' 'I'm going to soak rags in bleach, put them in a zip-lock bag and keep them in my purse.'

Much to the surprise of my brother and me, mom produced a zip-lock bag from her purse with bleach soaked rags. For a brief moment I locked eyes with my brother. An unspoken conversation started to take place when the room filled with the unmistakable, over-powering smell of bleach. I glanced at the door with a grin and nodded him to it. Our look-out was in place and grinning from ear to ear.
I've seen enough TV to know we had to work fast. "There's a box of rubber gloves, put some on and give me a pair." Mom was issuing orders. "They might clean the surfaces, but they never clean under, get under everything. Get that phone and his call bell. How's the door?"
"You're good."
While feverishly wiping down dad's hospital room with my brother as the look-out, mom said to me, "You're going to put this in your blog aren't you?"
"I don't see how I can't."
When mom was satisfied the the room was clean, I took off my rubber gloves, "Put those in this zip-lock."
Oh, apparently mom's seen enough TV too and knows you have to take the evidence with you, I did as I was told.
Dad was out of the hospital the next day, mission accomplished.
Mom told us kids of hers, on our way home that night and this is not verbatim, but it's something that will stick with me forever. Although she hates having dad in the hospital, one good thing comes out of it, she gets to have her two kids all to herself, just us room cleaning criminals.

The Mocha, The Husband and The Dog

All contributors to my God-awful nights sleep last night, those three. I finally racked up an expense on my Starbucks gift card at the mall. Starbucks probably uses more caffeine than the gas station mocha, because I was hopped up. The husband decided to sleep diagonally in the bed instead of horizontal, our feet shared the exact same spot and that really sucks because he has Restless Leg Syndrome. Around 3:00 am he was done playing footsie and rolled over, this is when the dog decided she had to pee. I can think of maybe 3 other times she's had to go out in the middle of the night, so this was a special occasion. I had just successfully maneuvered the husband to the other side of the bed, so I got up to let her out, so's not to disturb him.
Before I continue, Darryl, don't comment about me putting the dog out in the cold to pee when I've only had two hours and 45 minutes of sleep the night before. Sorry pal.
3:00 am the dog sees a deer across the street, you can just imagine the kind of noise that's going to make. Barking was involved with a whole lot of swearing. She peed and I reeled her back in. She was outside maybe 2 minutes tops Darryl, buddy.
Now any self-respecting wife of 23 years can, without batting an eye, blame all of this on the husband. And I would, except today is his birthday. I'm going to have to suck this one up.

Global Warming Sucks

Day 7 of the sub zero, record low temperatures of the January '09 arctic blast: As I walked out into the bone chilling, antarctic weather yesterday morning and took a deep breath, the snot in my nose froze. My digital thermometer in the car told me it was -3. That there's snot freezing weather, -3, and it makes your eyes water too.
Today I went out for more provisions. Canned goods, toilet paper and milk, oh and more stuff for the husband to drop on his weekend sweatshirt. The poor guy is obsessed with keeping the fire going in the fireplace. Although we just bought a load of firewood, he's burning everything, cereal boxes, newspaper ads, junk mail and his old smelly socks, he'll have to be watched closely. As I fear cabin fever may be getting the best of him. Boy #3 rarely emerges from his bedroom anymore. The sight of a snow shovel and a dog leash make him break out into a cold, panicking sweat. It's a good thing he's so young, he may come out of this unscathed. The dogs lead that is frozen into the ground, snapped off it's anchor this morning and she was brought home by a neighbor. We cut her some slack on leaving the yard, she's the only one in the house that has to pee in the snow, we are in awe of her.
Perhaps the most unfortunate incident that's happened during the "big freeze" so far is the fact that I lost an earring, one of my favorites. It must have snagged on the scarf I had wrapped around my neck, head and face about 5 times. I'm hoping to find it when everything thaws out by about June. Damn global warming.

So I Have That Going For Me

About Wednesday this week I said, "Oh snap. I'm failing miserably on my Lazy Resolutions."

1. Increase my Vitamin C intake. This one has proven to be the easiest. Not only have I had a glass of orange juice a day, but I kicked it up a notch and bought a half gallon "with calcium", so I have that going for me.

2. Become rich. Totally dropped the ball on this one, so I bought a lottery ticket today when I stopped for gas and a mocha. I still have to go to work on Monday unless I remember to buy another ticket. Keep you fingers crossed for me.

3. Use more big words in my posts. Reading the dictionary is boring. I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I'll read my Thesaurus from the 8th grade tomorrow. This is the one I was stoked about too. I've disappointed myself again. Perhaps after a good nights sleep I'll be able to find a big word that I can weave through my posts all week.

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I walked into work today and discovered I had the same exact sweater on as one of the other ladies I work with. I handled it much better than the time I went to a wedding about 16 years ago. This time I laughed. 16 years ago when this woman dared to wear the same dress as me, I got pissy. I've mellowed in the past few years, so I have that going for me too.

Can We Just Get This Over With Already?

I'm dancing around my post today, trying not to lose any guy readers I may have. But I'm going to post about it. It wasn't on my mind while getting ready for work this morning, the arctic weather was. Worrying about my car starting and making sure I was layered up, making sure I remembered my shoes so I didn't have to schlep around in my fake Uggs all day, weighed heavily on my mind. In my car the digital thermometer registered at 1 degree. Coffee, lunch, shoes, purse, the car started, mission accomplished.
That is why I sat on the exam table for my gynecological visit staring at my socks. "What the hell were you thinking?" I asked myself.
"The only piece of clothing you are allowed to keep on and you picked these?" I yelled at myself.
"These socks are three 'machine washed on warm' away from having holes in them and did you even think of shaving your legs? No, I think not."
I sat there in my paper gown with the opening in the front and fidgeted with the paper sheet. The temperature had gone all the way up to 9 by the time I left work but I sat in that exam room wiping my hands on the paper sheet. My palms were sweating. The armpits started to feel the heat. "I hope they don't smell. Oh my God! You couldn't shave those either? He's going to think I'm a skamoch."
After waiting there long enough to give myself a good talking to, the doctor came in and we finally got that over with. Stay tuned for the mammogram post.

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On a serious note, if any of my readers are also readers/friends of fellow bloggers, The World of Silly Willy and Fluffy, they could use some kind words, as they are going through a family emergency. They are my Aunt and Uncle and my cousin is in critical condition. Thanks in advance.

The Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude

Normally when I walk into my super efficient, Asian Dry Cleaners, I'm met with my dry cleaning waiting for me, hanging there spotless in a plastic bag with all the sleeves folded in and held together with a plastic clip doohickey. The Asian woman, that understands every other word I say, remembers me, sees me in the parking lot, hits that conveyor belt of alphabetized hanging laundry and grabs mine as "S" comes along. I pay her, tell her four more shirts and she says, "Have nice day." No small talk, which is fine with me, I pick up after work and I just want to get home to make a sandwich.
Today, she wasn't there, HE was. The one that only understands every fifth thing I say and scares me a little bit. Maybe more than a little bit. Maybe I'm afraid to piss him off cause then he might kill me, kinda. The first thing that went through my mind when the Dry Cleaning door chimed me in was, "Ohh. If he doesn't kill me I'll probably get a post out of this."
I knew we were going to have a problem right from the start. My last name and an Asian accent don't mix. Seese, it sounds the same as cease, as in cease and desist all inappropriate behavior.
So by habit I said, "Seese with and "S". And then, "I have four to pick up and four to drop off."
"Are you pick up?"
"Yes, Seese with an "S".
"Ceeee?" And he emphasized with making a big "C" in the air.
"No. S E E S E. Seese with an "S"
"Are you pick up?"

I had to suppress a grin and wondered to myself, 'How far can I take this? How many more times can I say Seese with an "S" before he gets his numb-chucks out an clubs me over the head?'
Nah, I better get the shirts, I don't want to have to, dread the thought, iron this week or be thrown in a dumpster. So I did the sign language sign of writing in the air and the scary Asian dry cleaning dude produced a pen and paper.
"Ah, Seese."

A Winter Weather Warning Is In Effect

I'm snowed in today along with my family, I fear cabin fever maybe setting in. Every time the snowplow rumbles by the house the dog has to run up to the window and bark at it just to show the neighborhood who's boss. The dog is also having a hard time finding a place to pee, as the snow is up to her twat. Then she gets her leash wrapped around the light post and barks at me. She knows she has to go around it because as soon as I put on my fake Uggs and get lured out in the snow she unwinds herself and runs up the steps.

I had a Mrs. Kravitz moment today: The neighbor across the street drove into his driveway with his car and then backed out, drove in, backed out, drove in and backed out. Me, having nothing better to do, watched with interest.
"What's this moron doing?"
The only thing I could think of, is that he was trying to smoosh down the snow to avoid shoveling. I haven't had a Mrs. Kravitz moment for a while, I'll need to stare mindlessly out my office window more often, the neighbors never disappoint.
It seems I am now in charge of keeping the fire going in the fireplace, since the husband has fallen asleep. He couldn't take all the winter weather warnings streaming across the bottom of his TV screen. Boy #3 is hiding in his room, he knows I will soon present him with a shovel. I can be patient, he's going to get hungry soon.

Grandma's Multiple Piercings

Braving the wintry mix that Northeast, Ohio has blessed us with today, I headed out for milk. Years ago my mother told me to just buy a cow, tonight I wish I had taken that advice. Instead I had a short, sloppy drive to the corner store in deep cogitation for my next post.
I was not disappointed, as I deposited my gallon of milk, Pepsi and gum on the counter, my blogging mind started to write my next post immediately. Celestine, my 4' 8" gray haired, wrinkled cashier, with at least four used tissue bursting out of her breast pocket smiled at me. Celestine was sporting at least five piercings in her sagging ears. A poster grandma for what not to do when you're young and stupid.
The teenagers want to pierce everything and I tell them, "Eventually things start to sag, it's the law of gravity."
Celestine had one earring on the top of of her left ear that just kind of stuck up at an odd angle. One has to wonder if she looked in the mirror and actually thought it looked good or maybe she was running late for work and didn't notice it, her hair was disheveled and now I'm probably going to rot in hell for writing this post. After some cogitation on the subject I'm pretty sure she doesn't read my blog.

Lazy Resolutions

I realize we are well into the New Year and the resolution thing is old news. Hell most of you have already broken yours by now. But I came up with 3 resolutions I think I might be able to pull off.

1. Increase my Vitamin C intake.
2. Become rich.
3. Use more big words in my posts.

Really if you take a look, they're pretty do-able.
I've already bought a half gallon of Orange Juice, when I finish this post I'm having a glass. That will make three days in a row of drinking orange juice.
I'm buying a lottery ticket tomorrow. When I said, 'Become rich.' I didn't mean by working, I meant by luck. Remember, I don't want to put too much effort into this.
I have a dictionary at hand whenever posting. There are so many words in there I'm not using. Actually, this is the resolution that has me the most pumped, not my health or financial independence, but my blogs. I'll pick a word at the beginning of the week and try to use it in my posts all week. I'm not going to call is Big Word Monday or Dictionary Tuesday, again to much work. I'll pick a new word on which ever day I feel like, that way it won't become a chore.

I've put a full half hour to 45 minutes of cogitation into these resolutions, with these three I will become healthier, wealthier and expand my vocabulary. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

Word of the Week:

cog⋅i⋅ta⋅tion–noun

1.	concerted thought or reflection; meditation; contemplation: After hours of cogitation he came up with a new proposal.

2.	the faculty of thinking: She was a serious student and had a great power of cogitation.

3.	a thought; design or plan: to jot down one's cogitations.

Don't Do Anything Stupid

When they veer away from me I say, "Don't do anything stupid." It's a natural instinct of a mother with three boys. About 7, maybe 8 years ago I said this to Boy #2, 11 at the time. We, the boys and I were Christmas shopping, all day. We had two more stops, the first was a pit stop at the grocery store and to buy the noodles I had forgotten the last time I was there. Boy #3, the one who remains totally innocent throughout this entire story, came into the store with me. I left the rotten ones in the car. When we emerged from the facilities Boy #2 changed his mind, he had to go, and there he was.
"You go, wash your hands, then go right back to the car. And hey, look at me. Don't do anything stupid."
There it was, it was very brief, but I have training in this type of situation. I saw something in that kids eyes, but I couldn't prove it. He went into the bathroom, I grabbed Boy #3 by the hand and took off to the noodle aisle with a renewed sense of urgency.
"Did you see that? I saw something. I know I did. Or am I just in a holiday craze?"
While I muttered my way through the crowded aisles, Boy #2 put his plan into action. Oh it was a beautiful plan........
Stealthily move throughout the parking lot, hiding in between cars, hunched over like you're up to no good. Never mind who might see you, the mission, should he choose to accept it, scare the bat crap out of his older brother, Boy #1, who had locked all the car doors so Boy #2 couldn't get back in.
My angel and I came out of the store and took off running to the car, it was cold and he wanted to race me. We arrived to find Boy #2 trying to get in the car and Boy #1 laughing at him.
"Open the door!"
We got in and took off to our next stop, across the street to Gander Mountain for Papa's present. I can see now why we looked suspicious. We made it to the parking lot and half way to the store doors when the first police car stopped us, followed by three more police cars, which surrounded us.
"Ma'am, a young boy fitting this boys description was seen braking into cars in the parking lot across the street."
"Wha? Officer I can assure you my boys would never brake into a car."
"Ma'am, I'm sure you believe that, but we just got a report from Best Cuts that a boy in a light blue North Carolina jacket was trying to brake into a white van."
I looked at Boy #2 in his light blue North Carolina jacket.
"I....... I just....... I was just.... I didn't........ he locked me out of the car."
"Shut uuuuupp."
"I didn't try to brake into a white van I just leaned on it, he locked me out of the car mom."
"Mom? Are we going to jail?" This is from Boy #3, who at the very moment became my favorite.
"Ma'am can I see some identification please?"
Apparently I have a clean record, the officer started communicating with yet another officer across the street who was in turn communicating with our accusers. Maybe they really didn't see him actually "try" to brake in the white van. The officer explained to me that there have been a lot of "incidents" in that parking lot during the holidays and they were being cautious.
"Sorry."
The police cars drove away leaving us standing in the middle of the parking lot, stunned.
"Well we're already here, let's go get Papa's present."
Funny how being surrounded by police brings you quite a bit of unwanted attention. We had assembled a small crowd of onlookers and the management in Gander Mountain thought it would be a good idea to have security follow our every move. We ended up buying a gift card to let Papa come back and shop for himself because, we're never going back there.
In the car I said to my boys, "So, I need to be more specific when I say 'Don't Do Anything Stupid'...huh?"

TOOT......TOOT........TOOT..........................TOOT

So there I was minding my own business when BAM, BAM, BAM out of the blue I have three different bloggers acknowledging my presence. So yes I'm tooting my own horn today. TOOT.

Unfinished Rambler put me in his "The 47 Ronin" blog roll. At first I thought it was like something from Lord of the Rings but it's a reference to samurai dudes. I'm not sure, but at any time I may have to fall on my sword for my fearless leader.

Then Ellen over at All In A Day leaves me a comment and says, "I'm blogging about you." Sweet. Ellen is following me to financial independence. Wait until I tell you what we're doing next Ellen!

Papercages gave me an award. Holy Crap. Including the one I gave myself, the One Lovely Blog Award is my third award. All three are now being displayed on the right column. Papercages, I certainly appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and bestowing this awesome award upon me!

I've also noticed that my Feedburner thingamajig is up to 21 readers, the last time I took notice of it I had 4. I must be pretty damn funny lately. If anyone else would like to add me to their blog rolls, blog about me or give me an award, bring it baby!
And again thank you for visiting and reading me:

Unfinished Rambler

All In A Day

Papercages

Those 21 readers on the Feedburner thingamabob.

My #1 fans because they're family Uncle Silly Willy and Aunt Fluffy. They have to love me. ;-)

All my commenter's.

And last but not least my dog, she's who I bounce all my idea's off of.