Chocolate Attack

During my frantic search for chocolate I ran across one solitary piece of Bubble Yum bubble gum. Ohhhhh! I haven't had a piece of Bubble Yum bubble gum in about 10 years. Along with the gum, were an wide assortment of forgotten candy, stuck up in a bowl on the top shelf of my cupboard. Two stale Hershey's Kisses were eaten immediately and then I popped the gum in my mouth. Who knows how old it was, but I'm still chomping on it. I blew a couple bubbles near the dog and her ears stood up inquisitively.
When the chocolate fix was taken care of, I went on to looking for my scrub brush because sometimes I clean stuff. Right there is where I found my Halloween candy stash. Doh! I hid so well this year it withstood a chocolate attack.

Did He Just Dis' Me?

Yes, the joys of parenthood came to a crashing halt when I opened the cell phone bill. Events spiraled out of control as I investigated the added charges.
Boy #2 received, from mommy and daddy, a new phone for his birthday last month.
"What's this megabytes charge?" I asked Boy #3, because he's the all knowing, 21st century, techno terminology guru in the house.
"It's memory."
"Oh................ Well, why is his $62.38 and yours is only a $1.99?"
Boy #3's eye's lit up and he grinned, that 'I didn't do it this time' grin.
The birthday phone came with a free month of internet, and that's it, I didn't sign anything.
"I'm calling about this charge."
As the evening progressed the husband barely showed interest, just an occasional glance over the newspaper.
When finally I got a human on the other end of my land-line, I explained, "I'm calling about my bill, it's a little higher than usual."
At the other end, I heard, "Wow, $842.56."
"Whaa..... no. $62.38."
"Ma'am, your bill is currently $842.56. It's from the internet usage."

"But.................$842.56? Could you hold on a sec? Go get your brother, tell him to stop using his cell phone, tell him to turn it off now!"
That's when the husband decided to get involved.

I couldn't get through to the woman on the other end of the phone that this was impossible, the best she could do for me was take off 25%.
"I have to call financial services and see if I can get a payment plan." I told the husband.
"Give me the phone."
By the time he got off the phone he had the entire $842.56 credited to our account.
"How did you do that?" I said in utter disbelief.
"All I did was introduce logic into the conversation."
"Kids, leave the room, mommy's going to hurt daddy."

Anti-American, House Disturbing, Phone Book Droppers

I don't know, to me it looks like I have enough phone books, but "they" continue to drop them at the bottom of my driveway. And I continue to drag them into the house and pile them up on that shelf. "They" once dropped one on my front steps at 10:00 at night, breaking one of those little plastic American Flags that I had stuck in the ground for the Fourth of July, setting the dog into a barking frenzy and startling the husband out of a sound sleep on the recliner. Those Anti-American, house disturbing, phone book droppers are pissing me off.

The Home of the Brave

Seven years ago I sat at my desk at work listening to the radio with Bob the copy machine repairman. We listened to the tragic day unfold. I remember stepping outside for some air and noticing how still the sky was and quiet. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me when I went out for the mail this morning at work that I had that same feeling.
It was 9:30 in the morning and the air was still, I looked up at our flag and it just hung there, half staff, unmoving. By the time I left work a breeze had picked up and the flag was waving proudly. It was as if the flag was quietly morning the events of September 11, 2001 along with the rest of the country. And then it picked itself up again, to carry on bravely.

Paycheck Draining Kids

With my recent bombardment of post ideas, I decided to set a few of my brain cells aside to figure out why. Why all the sudden ideas? What’s different now, late in the summer as opposed to early in the summer? And since my brain has been chugging along rather smoothly these last few weeks, I figured it out pretty quick. I’m a freakin genius lately.
And here’s what I came up with, there are no paycheck draining parties on the horizon. No party bills looming in the distance. No more looking into the eyes of the husband and saying, “How are we going to pay for that?” The graduation party is over and the wedding is done. And if those boys pull any of that kind of planning again, I’m putting them up for adoption. I don’t care if they are 22 and 19. I’m keeping the 16 year old, only because as I said in a previous post, I’m living with him when I get old.
I still have some of the booze from the wedding sitting by my fireplace. I haven’t decided if I’ll turn to that when paying the bills we’ve accrued or consolidate debt. Because I’m pretty sure Santa’s isn’t bringing me jewelry this year unless I figure something out. So it’s time to smoosh all those credit cards together in to one payment, debt consolidation. No time to waste, diamond earrings are on my Christmas list!

The Old Lady and Her Walker on Wheels

Homeowners must be ever vigilant when it comes to accidents on their property. When I peered out my living room window Sunday afternoon I sprang into action. Grabbing the closest Boy available I steered him towards the window and said, "See that lawsuit waiting to happen?"
"The old lady and her walker on wheels?"
"Yes, run honey, run like the wind and stop the dog from bolting after her and barking until she keels over dead of a heart attack or breaks a hip."
"I'm all over this mom."
Who sends their aged loved ones with a walker on wheels out alone for a Sunday stroll? Thanks to me and my nosy neighbor tendencies the old lady passed the house without incident.
"Bring that dog in, she can't get too far. She'll be wheeling the walker back around for a return trip."

Lady Zipper

"What the hell did I mean when I wrote that down?" I asked myself.
Do you have a list of "Blogging Ideas" sitting next to your computer? I do, but apparently I need to be more specific when writing notes to myself. Last weekend when ideas were spewing from my brain I went fumbling for my list. With a big grin, because I'm thinking, "this one's going to be good" I started to write ideas under the words Lady Zipper. Each time I came back to the list I kept looking at the words Lady Zipper. About the fifth trip to my ever growing list, my grin started to fade. The words Lady Zipper were bursting my bubble. I real drag on my idea explosion.
Two days later my Alzheimer's moment was over, ohhhhhhhh that's what I meant.

In the ladies room at a wedding the week before Boy #1's, I emerged from the stall. Washing my hands while one woman was putting on lipstick and an other was emerging from her stall.
"Ladies, I need some help." Says the emerging woman. Lipstick woman headed for the exit and before I could even say, "Would you bring me a vodka and orange juice?" she was gone. I took a deep breath and asked what was wrong.
"I just need help with this darn zipper."
"Oh, no problem." What a relief it's just a stuck zipper. Several problems ran through my head and none of them as easy as a stuck zipper. I'll be back to my vodka and orange juice within minutes. Except the zipper wouldn't budge, that was one stuck zipper. It wouldn't go up or down. Damn that lipstick lady being closer to the exit than me! Do I have to stay in the restroom with this woman all night, while the ice in my drink melted?
"It's just not going to move."
"That's does it, I'm taking this dress back."
Yes, tomorrow you can but what about now, will we be leaving the restroom tonight? Cause you can't go out there like this. Obviously you thought a bra wasn't needed for this blessed occasion and I don't have a safety pin.
That's what I said inside my head, what came out was, "Uhhhhhhh, but......"
"Oh I have a sweater."
"Great, a sweater, I'm going to head back to my table, see you on the dance floor."
As I left I'm saying to myself, "I'm so blogging about this. I have to write this down when I get home."

Nervous American Broad

I've posted about my dry cleaners experiences before, they're some kind of Asian couple. They speak broken English to me and the other customers, but when I first walk in, before the door has a chance to chime announcing my presence I hear them speaking in their native tongue. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, I don't know it's all Greek to me. He is usually yelling something from the back while working the big shirt press. He's a scary little dude. Not because he's Asian, but because he reminds me of a Vietnamese military prison camp guard. That's not racist, is it?
I just have a vivid imagination and war movies are on the TV a lot with three boys and a husband. I'm outnumbered. He does look like he's been in a Chuck Norris movie though.
She usually gets my shirts, takes my money and tells me to have a nice day. Last week I heard her in a little room but he approached the counter.
'Oh God please don't let me say anything stupid. Say nothing, just shut your mouth, no eye contact.'
I'm my own best friend when it comes to advice.
I made it to my car with clean shirts and all my fingers. I leaned over to file away my receipt and put my purse down when I heard a gentle tapping on my window. After totally freaking myself out it was inevitable that when I turned and saw him peering in my car window that I would jump out of my seat with a "Don't Kill Me" look on my face. I think I scared the poor guy. He held up four fingers and said, "Four shirt, four?"
Words escaped me, I nodded yes and he went back into the dry cleaning facility probably muttering to himself, "Nervous American broad."

Stubborn Took on a Whole New Meaning

"I white-hot hate school clothes shopping for you with every fiber of my being. I've told you that before, right?"
"Yeah, but you've never put it quite that way."

This is the conversation Boy #3 and I had on our way out of the mall, that and where to stop to eat. Since he was about 4 years old, no maybe 3, stubborn took on a new meaning for me. Once in K-Mart my mom and I had to wrestle a screaming 4 year old into a winter jacket to see if it would fit. We literally had to hold him down on the floor to try a pair of shoes on his feet. I would have to distract him while getting him dressed in something new. Still hanging in his closet is the cutest little polo shirt with plaid shorts and suspenders, size 4T, never worn, because he had a fit when I tried to get him to wear it.
Now at the wonderful age of 16, he will only shop at one store.
"You're not coming in here with me are you?"
"Who else is going to make sure you have enough room in the crotch, honey?"
MuuaaHaHa!
When I get old and can't take care of myself, I'm living with him. It's in my will.

I am Humbled

Apparently I am an Awesome Blogger Friend. And I have an award to prove it. Ann over at A Nice Place In The Sun bestowed the award upon me. She has me lumped in with some pretty awesome bloggers, so I am humbled. Thank you Ann!

The award originated at Ettarose-Edge of Sanity.com who I have been dropping EntreCards on here and there and her blog is a hoot! Stop over there for a laugh.

This is way cool for me, it's my first award. You like me, you really like me!

This morning, after going through what seemed to be a bout of writer's block, I had a post idea explosion in my brain. I don't know what happened but I now have a list of posts to write. Every 5 minutes a new idea popped in my head. I always keep a list going by the computer. So I went rifling through the papers on my desk, nothing had been added to it in a while. In fact there was only one idea written down and I'll post about it as soon as I figure out what I meant when I wrote down - "Lady zipper" it has me quite puzzled.

Laundry Issues

I've been so busy at work this week, so tired. I had M & M's for dinner tonight. And chased them down with Pepsi. I plan on being witty and funny this weekend. Perhaps even profound but don't get your hopes up. I just found out that Boy #3 has been wearing dirty socks all week. I'll have to buy him some new ones, I don't want to over tax myself with too much laundry. I wonder if anyone else in the house has laundry issues?

Blame it on the Vodka

I crawled out from under my rock Saturday night and danced the night away at Boy #1's wedding reception. I've never bothered to learn any of those "line dances" except for the Chicken Dance and the Hokey Pokey. The steps to the Electric Slide have always eluded me. There's another one and I can't remember the name but the man singing the song tells you what to do. So after several vodka and orange juice's, I said, "Hell, I can do that." So, carefully, so's not to spill my drink, I stomped my right foot, jumped two times, did the Charlie Brown and said, "Hey I'm dancin."
Later in the evening while out on the dance floor the sister in law informs me that she requested "Da Butt". My blank stare and vodka soaked grinned surprised her and my cousin.

"You've never shook it to Da Butt?
"I hardly ever shake it."

Before I knew it, I was doin Da Butt. I was shakin it. Really, when you have Da Butt, you don't need The Chicken Dance or The Hokey Pokey.
I found a Da Butt video on YouTube just in case I'm not the only old fart in the room.

Thankfully when I searched Da Butt on YouTube, I didn't find a video of myself. If you see me on YouTube, please be kind.

The Goofier Side of Life

One of the goofiest memories of the husbands and my marriage was the day (way back in the day) we had our brother-in-laws over, they were helping us put up new kitchen cabinets. Star Trek was on, because we're Trekkie's. Not the new Star Trek, we are purest, the original Star Trek where most of the cast is dead, half dead or Price Line negotiators. The episode that was on that afternoon was the one where the aliens took Spock's brain. Having seen it before we went about our work glancing at the television occasionally. Never missing a beat or drawing attention to our nerdness.
My main job that day was to keep the kids out of the way, I was in the living room changing a diaper (I told you, way back in the day) and watching the TV. Before I knew what I was saying it came out, "Dear, they're putting Spock's brain back in."
"Oh." Before he knew what he was doing he put his tools down and joined me in the living room, leaving our brother-in-laws to stare after us. Their mouths hanging open in utter amazement. They then looked at each other as if to verify that they had just seen and heard the same thing. Both of them cocked their heads to the side, grinned and stored the information away for future use. Boy they use that information often, weddings, picnics, birthday parties, even at a funeral once.
We all just attended a wedding Saturday night so that goofy moment in history is fresh in my brain.

Get Off Your Butt

The company I work for is big on charitable functions. Once a month they pick a charity to focus on. Coming up very soon is Alzheimer's Memory Walk Funds need to be raised to help prevent, treat and cure this disease. And we can help!
Across the United States Teams are organizing. Friends, relatives and co-workers are uniting for the Memory Walk. Team Captains are needed. Can you step out of your protective cocoon for a walk? Can you organize a small group of people to do the same? Ask three friends to join you and in turn they can ask three friends. You have a team now!
The only way I’m going to get off my butt and participate is to have people motivate me. The people at work with their endless caring and giving is what I need to inspire some charitable acts on my part. Let’s get off our butts and take a walk.

Mrs. Kravitz Moment, Aug. 4, 2008

I'm so proud of the neighbor kid. He's finally shed the training wheel monkey off his back and is riding around the neighborhood on two wheels, mom and little sister running behind him.

I know my readers have been patiently waiting for my latest "Mrs. Kravitz moment," the last one was about turds. It started off with the kid and the training wheels but ended up with dog poop. You just never know what will unfold outside your office window.
Today I'm focusing on one of the first major steps towards independence. And I don't think she's going to let him do it just yet. She's keeping up with him pretty well. I don't know what it is with us moms and their children riding off and leaving you in the dust on that first solo bike ride, but it tugs hard at the heart. Perhaps we know right then, deep down that we're the next monkey on their backs they are going to try to shake.

I won't get sappy, I won't get sappy, I won't get sappy.

Maybe I'm a little sappy because I've spent the last 3 weeks signing Boy #2 up for college classes and when sitting in the councilors offices in college, all of a sudden I became a lump in the second chair with my purse on my lap. Straining to see over my baby's broad shoulder as he plans his future.
Is this the little boy I taught to ride a bike?
Shouldn't I have a little more say in what he does with his life so he can support me when I'm old?
I'm getting away from this window before I get all misty.

Further Instructions

One of the first little business ventures I tried online was T-Shirts sales, all the way back in 2003. I still have the shop, but haven't paid much attention to it.
The T-Shirts are plain on the front but on the back it looks like someone pinned a note on it. This one pictured says, "Under Surveillance (just act normal). The one I wear all the time says, "Would someone PLEASE stop this woman from spending anymore money? Thanks, her husband.
Under Surveillance is in a contest at www.t-shirtcountdown.com

If my Internet moves any slower while collecting the links for this post, I will break something.

Finally! Here is where you can vote, if you want to! Hey it's a break in the EntreCard dropping monotony. The link goes to the second page in the Funny Category section. Look for my t-shirt picture - vote for it! If you don't see it on the second page go to the first, because the barrage of voting from all of you will take it to the first page.

If further instructions are necessary leave me a comment.

Update: Karen voted for me and moved me to page 1, so I fixed the link!

I Can't Think of a Witty Title

The dog thinks she's a cat. She lounges on top of our couch, guarding the neighborhood. And for some reason she's oppose to any other dog walking down the sidewalk. Doesn't particularly like skateboarders either.

I used up my big word allotment over at the other blog, View of Sue today. I wasn't sure which blog to put the post on, since the post was entertainment related it ended up there, but could have been posted here also, so I linked it.

Also while dropping my EntreCards I ran into a post on No Crappy Crap that freaked me out and I thought I'd share. Follow it's instructions.

Stinkers the Siamese Cat - FOUND

Good news, they found Stinkers. I don't know who "they" are, I'm just going by the signs in the neighborhood. Apparently Stinkers went missing sometime in the middle of the week. White, 8-1/2 x 11 sheets of paper sprang up on all the telephone poles in the neighborhood.

Missing
Siamese Cat
Phone number
STINKERS

You really don't have time to be creative with a sign when your pet gets lost, so you keep it simple. Either the signs worked or Stinkers just got hungry. I have a telephone pole in my front yard and I never looked for the cat.
Pictured is the sign at the end of the development, I guess "they" are thanking all of us for looking.
"Hey, don't mention it, anything I can do to help, really."
I'll be spending the rest of my Sunday guilt ridden because I didn't join the Stinkers search. The weekend was going well too.

Car Misfortune

Weird things happen to me and my car. I’ve depended on car rental more than I care to say. I’ve had the door of a mini-van fall off the hinge, while driving over a traffic counting cable it came loose and wrapped around my tire wheel, my fuel pump died minutes after I passed my emissions test, a kid with a pellet gun shattered my drivers side window, an axle thingamajig broke, left me stranded in the middle of the road and a woman stopped and asked me for directions. These are each, all wonderful ideas for upcoming posts, my misfortunes on the road are bound to make someone laugh, except the husband, he’s the one that I call crying on my cell phone.

Elaborating posts to follow!

Humor on Hold

Sunday morning we woke to the news that a local Police Officer was shot and killed on a routine traffic stop. Josh Miktarian was keeping my community safe, he was keeping my family and me safe, for that I am grateful beyond belief. It takes a very special kind of person to put themselves in harms way.

I ask for prayers and some kind thoughts for this special man and for his wife and three month old daughter.
Our community is in shock. Flags fly at half mast and flowers are piling up where Josh was gunned down, I pass by it everyday. The gunman is claiming self defense, Josh's gun was never out of his holster. While our community mourns we also hope for justice.