The bucket and the bell ringer

Is it just me or has anyone noticed that there is a bucket and a bell ringer at every store in America? Every drug store, every grocery store, WalMart, Target, Kohl's. I'm as charitable as the next person but I'm down about 10 bucks this blessed holiday season so far. I worry when I drive into a parking lot, break out into a cold sweat wondering if I have any singles in my wallet. It's affecting my every day life, "Wait! That's my last single, I need it for the bucket!"

Try explaining that to her at the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dudes fine establishment. If she goes to "ah Casino" for Thanksgiving how do I get the whole bucket and bell ringer concept across to her? She made it all to clear a few years ago, exact change is highly recommended. I tried to explain I needed my singles for the boys lunch money. She didn't care if my boys had lunch, why would she care about the down trodden and destitute? I'm frightened. I need to go to the bank.

I've started looking for stores without that red tripod with the red bucket dangling from it or better yet, sit in the parking lot and wait for the bell ringer to go on break, or sometimes you can see the tripod but the bucket is missing that's when you make a break for it. Run into the store during a terrible blizzard, bad weather chases away God's chosen ones, the people that give up hours of their day to stand out in the cold ringing a bell to get you to donate.

I'm a horrible person. I have to go check my wallet and make sure I have enough singles in there for when I go shopping tomorrow. Because I won't pass up a bucket without making my deposit. God bless the bell ringers. I think I'm going to hell, damn it.

Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here

And the snow continues to fall, documented information of the great snowfall of December, 2010 :

I took two vacation days on Dec. 6th and 7th to hang out with mother, you know, Christmas shop and to do lunch. Instead the snow began to fall Sunday and has not stopped. Mother and I, via a telephone conversation decided Monday to stay home, off the treacherous roads. Tuesday our AM conversation consisted of a little bit of swearing, she's the one that taught me how to swear but will deny it, bad mouthing Mother Nature and a general pissy attitude where we decided to try again Saturday.

"Saturday?" She said, "Why don't you just quit that job?"

"Then you'd have to pay for lunch mom."

"Oh, let's try Saturday then."

I stayed in the house all day Monday and all day Tuesday. So I feel I have a jump on cabin fever. See, I'm going to go crazy first. Being cooped up in the house for long periods of time seems appealing to you at first. You can get stuff done like, catch up on all the sitcoms you recorded over the fall and never got around to watching. Eat ice cream for lunch. Stay in your jammies all day or at least late in the day and just hurry up and get dressed before anyone gets home from work, that way the won't suspect you are on you way to going off the deep end sooner than usual. The trick is to keep crazy to yourself as long as possible, wait for everyone to catch up to you, because they will. It's a natural transition from our carefree 2, maybe 3 weeks of summer in Northeast, Ohio to Almost Winter, Winter and Still Winter. Once we all catch up to the same kind of crazy, we can start to climb the walls, throw on a pair of boots while still in our bathrobes to get the mail, flip off the snow plow that sends snow from the street back into your driveway you just got done shoveling, stop caring whether our hats, gloves and scarves match, hell as long as you have a left and right glove it really doesn't matter what color they are does it? Yeah we have some good times coming our way baby. Northeast, Ohio weather, yeah wonderful, really.

Don't mess with the lemon lady

Sitting in the Arby's parking lot eating my lunch, I came to the realization that it may be some time before I ever breath through my nose again.

I sit in my car to eat lunch instead of inside. Yes, it's 30 degrees outside and I will be forced indoors soon but I'm generally an antisocial person and I don't want to talk to anyone if possible.

During the blessed holiday season who in the name of Zeus's butt hole has the time to go to the doctor? My nose has been put on hold while I shop, bake, decorate, wrap and play FarmVille. Unless of course I get a bad cough, then I'm going in to get that wonderful cough medicine that makes you high.

I can watch people just as well in the parking lot as I can inside Arby's, it's a little cold out here though. Some lady just parked her car, got in another car with a man in it and they drove off. Hmmm.........

I mentioned in my last post, here if you don't feel like scrolling down a few inches, that I tried Breath Rite Extremes and they stretched my nose in such a way that air got in and out. It was wonderful and I thought, "I'm going to buy a case of these sticky little miracles." Until I tried to get it off my face.

I like to go into Arby's on the drive-thru side, park there and watch almost accidents. Because for some reason people rounding the drive-thru, paying for their value meals, grabbing their value meals, well they seem to forget that there are any other cars moving in the parking lot. It's a hoot to see them come out of the fast food coma when they almost hit another car, they're clueless.

Breath Rite Extremes have enough adhesive on them to rip off your entire nose if you're not careful. In the morning-ish, I looked at my fat nose in the mirror. The Breath Rite Extreme was trying to break free on it's own, the corners were popping up. I have to tell you, I really looked like hell. I decided to take the thing off but wanted to keep my skin, it was proving to be quite a challenge. Water? Yes water. Ever so slowly the damn thing came off and I had a red welt across my nose. Very attractive.

The other reason I park on the drive-thru side of Arby's is that inside the restaurant they have a big bell that you can clang if you receive good service. When you clang it, all the employees say, "Thank you!" It's cool. One time I didn't clang it on my way out because I had to wait for them to slice a lemon for my ice tea and I had to ask them twice for my cherry turnover. I'm there almost every Friday, they should have my lemon ready.

So I'm quite certain I won't be buying a case of Breath Rite Extremes. After my shower I checked out my face again, specifically my nose, "Is that a booger?" No, it's adhesive. Holy crap, I washed my face with Biore Facial Scrub and there are still traces of the damn Breath Rite Extreme. Get the hell out of here, I'll just get addicted to nasal spray.

Today when I ordered my Arby's lunch, they had lemon sliced, ready and now call me the lemon lady. Clang, clang, clang!

And the family rejoiced

"Mom?"

What's this? I sense fear. Twenty-four years of mom training under my belt, I can sense the trepidation in Boy #3's voice. Hmmmm..... let's see where this goes.

"Yes?"

"Ummm... wha.... what's for dinner?"

"Not turkey."

And he smiled, a smile like the old days, like when he heard the ice cream truck down the road. His eyes lit up like two bright stars in the midnight sky. Relief fell over him in a gentle wave of happiness.

This could be my fault, I did make a 20 pound turkey for five people. I thought it was excellent planning on my part. I had a sick husband in the house, the reason I had to cook by the way, I had a major head cold brewing around my brain and for God's sake a four day weekend to enjoy. And enjoy it we did. I got to take Nyquil.

"I'm going to WalMart for more tissues" I said to the husband, "Will you be okay?"

"I'm hungry."

"Make a turkey sandwich."

"Mom, I'm hungry."

"Make a turkey sandwich, I have to irrigate my nasal passages." And then take a nap.

I had apple pie for breakfast Saturday morning. Was it morning? It was my first meal of the day so I guess it was breakfast. The husband was popping aspirin like candy and was walking around the house wrapped in an old comforter from one of the boys beds, it had footballs on it.

At WalMart I grabbed a variety of cold and flu remedies. One, not pictured, was Breath Rite Extremes. I followed the instructions on the sample box, large strip on the bottom, small strip on top. Yes, there were two strips because they are Extremes. With the Breath Rite properly placed I looked in the mirror, my nose had grown twice it's size and air was getting in there. With my enlarged nose and Nyquil, I settled in for a long winters nap. I'm just going to sleep this off. Except the snot had other plans and today, has unleashed holy hell on my sinus cavity, I have to carry a box of tissues with me where ever I go. I could have easily dragged out the leftovers after work, but that would have been pushing it. Pushing it to the Extremes.

The husband came home and asked, "What's for dinner?" No fear in his voice, his filter is screwed up because of the flu.

"Not turkey."

"Thank God!"

From the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude files, #1675 section B

Friday, November 26, 2010:

"I'm out of shiiiiirrrrts!" the husband exclaimed.

Eff

"There are none in the closet."

"I'll run to the Scary Asian Dry Cleaners and get your shirts."

"Have you seen your hair?"

I was willing to run to the Scary Asian Dry Cleaners after just emerging from the shower, that's how much I love him.

"Okay, don't panic, we still have time. I'll run this shirt through a rinse cycle with fabric softener, throw it in the dryer and iron it. No problem."

I was just that simple and off to work he went.

I dried my hair, slapped some make-up on my face and drove to my constant source of blogging fodder.

The Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude reminds me of a Vietnam prison guard in a Chuck Norris movie, that's where he got his nickname. He has a Vietnam prison guard in a Chuck Norris movie grin, it's unsettling. I didn't see him when I walked in, that meant he was lurking in the back of the store with those hot shirt presses. Shivers went up my spine. She was there. Always smiling. Our conversations are kept to a minimum.

"Hello."

"Hi." Sometime I say Hi and sometimes Hello, I try to mix it up a bit, this time I said Hi.

"Four more shirt?"

"Yes."

"Seven ah twenty. Have nice day."

"Thank you."

And that's it, week after week. I'm sure she has a larger English vocabulary, but I haven't delved into it. I don't want to be misunderstood, what with the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude lurking in the back and all.

You can imagine my surprise when she asked if I had a nice Thanksgiving. I was dumb-struck. Holy Crap what do I say?

"It was good, how about yours?" Right then I realized, Asian - Thanksgiving, I don't think so, whoops.

She responded, "We ah went Casino."

See, yet another reason Ohio needs Casino's. We have to keep those senior citizens and their social security checks here. And we have to keep the dry cleaners from crossing state lines with there hard earned American dollah.

In my world it's Friday

"What's for dinner?"

"It's so cute that you think I'm going to cook today."

"Huh?"

"Here's how it works, this is a three day week and a four day weekend. So Monday when we woke up, it was like it was Wednesday, then Tuesday was like Thursday. You see where we're going with this?"

"I'm guessing you think it's Friday today and you don't cook on Friday's, ever. I'm calling for pizza?"

"There you go. In my world it's Friday."

I opened the refrigerator, "See that big turkey thawing in there? I'm spending the entire day with it tomorrow. I have to get up early and shove stuffing up it's ass, get it in the oven and make the rest of the Thanksgiving fixin's. There will be drinking and swearing by late afternoon. I won't know what day it is tomorrow."

"I'm going to call for pizza now."

"You know I think that would be best."

_________________________________________

Some bloggers have been posting lists on what they are thankful for. I can't sit and look at a blank piece of paper and come up with list just like that, after all right now I think it's Friday. So I wrote a few things down during the day:

1. My Family - If I don't put them on the list they will bitch and moan, so I'm getting them out of the way first.

2. Mocha - That delicious hot liquid I drink every morning. I've been adding caramel to it.

3. Ready made pie crust.

4. I'm not traveling. I don't have to make the choice of being felt up by a stranger wearing blue rubber gloves or be scanned and end up on an internet porn site.

5. A four day weekend. Someone please let me know when it's Sunday so I remember to go to work Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wonder dog is allergic to bees

Over a year ago I wrote a post titled Buckeye's First Kill. A short little post about my delusional children thinking my dog was a cold blooded killer. With only circumstantial evidence, I pronounced her Not Guilty. I can do that because I'm the mom and I run the whole show around here.

Last month when the squirrel incident occurred, I started to wonder if I should have examined the mouse evidence a little closer. Clearly she killed the squirrel, I was the primary witness.

Over the three years that we've had her I've seen her chase moths, flies and bees. Right after the squirrel kill she was sitting in between the husband and I on our recliner couch. The whole damn couch reclines you could fit five people on it, the most comfortable couch we've ever had, we never leave it and the dog is right there with us snuggled up in front of the fireplace and TV. So we are all three sitting there, but the dog is alert and her ears are up. We are expecting the barking to start next and then a run to the window, but instead she snaps a fly out of mid air.

"Did you see that?"

"Did she get it?"

At that moment she spit it out, sniffed it, toyed with it and ate it.

We were too dumb struck to stop her.

"She's wonder dog."

"Did you see that?"

Clearly she's been practicing her attack skills when we are at work. I never really thought she ever caught the flies and bees, but obviously she now has the taste for blood.

On the rare occasion that the husband takes a day off of work he schedules car stuff, home improvement stuff and on this week, the week after the squirrel incident he scheduled dog stuff. An appointment for her check up and manicure. I came home for lunch before they left, she was outside playing or having a snack because I saw her chasing something that was flying. Please don't drag in a dead animal until after I have my lunch baby.

"Did you feed her? Because she's eating bugs."

"Huh?"

"Do you want a sandwich? Your dog is chasing bugs."

"She's fine."

We ate and I got ready to go back to work.

"I'll bring the dog in."

I looked towards the door and she was sitting on the steps shaking, "The hell?"

"What?"

I brought her in and gave her a biscuit, it dropped out of her mouth. Okay somethings wrong. She a biscuit whore, sometimes I think she just asks to go out to get a biscuit. And when I say ask, I mean stare at me, a real in depth stare, right into my very soul she stares. It's a 'I have to pee stare.' And then sometimes I don't think she even goes down the steps.

But anyway, she drops the biscuit and I see foam in her mouth.

"Babe, look at her?"

"I guess we're going to the vet a little earlier than expected, go back to work, she'll be fine, I'll call you."

"But............."

"I got this."

Back at work I fretted. He'll forget to call me. I should have called in sick. He can't even remember the years the boys were born and I entrusted the dog into his care. Damn.

Then my cell phone rang, "Wonder dog is allergic to bees."

"Huh?"

"The doctor thinks there is a bee sting on her tongue, gave her a shot of Benadryl and steroids. Pick up some Benadryl on your way home."

See, he's clueless, a mom always has Benadryl in the medicine chest. Of course the stuff at home was generic, so I was going to stop for the real stuff, keep the generic for the kids.

So the mouse and squirrel hunter, venus fly trap is allergic to bees. How the hell am I suppose to know if she gets stung? Do I have to carry an epi stick with me now?

My Nemesis, The Roundabout

A roundabout is a type of circular junction in which road traffic must travel in one direction around a central island. Signs usually direct traffic entering the circle to slow down and give the right of way to drivers already in the circle. Duh!

Must I continue to mingle with the stupid? Last year my community decided we had to have a roundabout traffic circle. A four way stop wasn't good enough for them. So they thought it would be great to confuse the hell out of, what's proving to be, more than half the community. Who knew I was one of the smart ones. I can get through that thing just fine, can't do it without swearing, but I'm confident in my navigation skills when it comes to roundabout traffic circles. It's really is quite simple.

You do not have to put your turn signal on, you are only going one way, right.

Please don't stop in the circle, the car coming towards you is doing something we call yielding. You have a drivers license, you know what yielding is, right?

Please do not stop in the circle, I can not stress this enough. The people behind you are going to become agitated, we will swear at you like a drunken sailor.

If you see no one, you don't have to stop, because there is no stop sign. Put on your big girl panties and don't hesitate. You must never hesitate.

We're moving now aren't we?

There is a sign that will say "Roundabout Ahead" and it has a diagram of a circle. See how they do that? They warn you of a traffic challenge, giving you ample time to mentally prepare. So now you can tell the person on the phone to 'hold on you have to focus'. You can't just phone in a roundabout, you'll need to activate several brain cells.

But the best advice I can give you is just avoid roundabouts, you are pissing a lot of people off.

What are the tortilla chips doing in the freezer?

All week I've been trying to pinpoint the exact moment I lost the majority of my brain cells. Because I found an open bag of tortilla chips in the freezer and I know I did it and couldn't think fast enough to blame it on someone else. I just stood there with the bag in my hand dumbfounded. I don't remember doing it, I stared at the frozen bag trying to jog my memory. I remember eating them and they were sealed tight, that's a big clue I have going against me, because I'm the only one in the house that understands the "things get stale" philosophy.

"Who put these in the....................oh."

I could see their minds churning, should we say something or just start looking for Nursing Homes that specialize in dementia?

When you think of it, they're the ones, Boy#1, Boy#2 and Boy#3, that are the reason I'm in the state I'm in now and they're the ones that will probably put me away. Funny how that works, isn't it?

We keep the chips and pretzels on top of the refrigerator, it's a stretch but the tortilla chips could have fallen off the top, made a U-turn and landed on the shelf of the freezer, maybe. I wonder if they have Internet hook up in the Nursing Homes.

No, I'm not superstitious

It's just that my last post was number 666. And I don't want it to stay there for Halloween. And it's about time I posted this song again, because it's a classic.

Happy Halloween!

I had to put a lower quality video, the other one became unavailable. Thanks for letting me know Relax Max!

Before the Benadryl kicks in

Wouldn't it be great if I could stop sneezing right....................................now? Apparently not going to happen yet. This will give me time to squeeze one more post out about the awesome responsibility of Jury Duty. Where did we leave off? Oh yes, "I'm above all this lady" had assembled the angry mob and they were deciding who to sacrifice to the convicts out in the hall.

I was mulling over the remaining people stranded in the Jury Assembly Room. Most of the men were gray hairs. And most of the women seemed to be close to my age, young. Our bailiff finally came to get us, I was about to leave the safety of the Jury Assembly Room, I was about to be thrown out amongst the criminals and lawyers. Why don't we just say criminals, right?

Reluctantly I gathered my belongings, along with everyone else, wondering if I will ever see the light of day again. Our bailiff pointed to some stairs and asked if anyone would rather take the elevator. There was a pregnant woman that got on, some of the gray hairs and a fat lady. The last man to wander out of the Jury Assembly Room sanctuary was probably the oldest person in our group. Several people asked him if he wanted to get on the elevator, no response.

"Sir? Do you want to ride the elevator instead of taking the stairs?" Still no response. That thing behind his ear was a hearing aid, I know it was. "Sir, DO YOU WANT TO RIDE IN THE EL-E-VA-TOR?"

Everyone was looking at him by now. We were inching our way towards a scene. We are going to spiral out of control. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator. I was willing him through mental telepathy to bring this drama to it's end before we law abiding citizens got caught up in a jail breaking, hostage negotiating nightmare. Stop drawing attention to us, we're sitting ducks out here. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator.

" Elevator? Nah, I don't need an elevator." At that moment I felt like calling him dad. Anyone that knows my dad would agree. Stubborn.

If the rest of this post seems incoherent it's because the Benadryl is starting to kick in. I tried to get it done, but the sneezing.

Up one flight of stairs we went, slightly deaf old man and all. We hooked up with the elevator people and separated again. Another elevator, another flight of stairs. Once we were all back together we were marched right into a court room. This is when I realized there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The bastards settled. The judge and lawyers were in the court room. The bailiff asked us to take a seat. Yes, yes I'll take a seat, it's time to take my 800 hundred milligram Motrin. I didn't want to be seen popping any pills so I refrained. This was proving to be a bad decision as I'm sure my uterus was about to fall out. We sat down and I, out of the corner of my mouth, said to the guy next to me, "They settled, we are so out of here." He nodded in agreeance and winked at me. I notice when I leaned over to talk to him a woman had just crossed her leg and that leg belonged to "I'm above all this lady". Dear God she's right behind me. She can smell my fear, I know it. Please won't they just let me go home?

The judge started to tell us why we had waited so long in the Jury Assembly Room was that the lawyers, clients and he were trying to reach an agreement so they didn't have to go to trial. Which they did, but we were still a big part of the process, yada, yada, yada. And the lawyers went on to tell us about the case we were missing. Ahhhh, jury of your peers, I'm spending the day with a bunch of geezers because a WWII vet fell in a poorly marked parking lot.

"Any questions?" The judge asked. Several hands went up.

Huh? Don't they know we can go now?

One after the other, these people tried to express their intelligence with seemingly intelligent questions. One by one they engaged the lawyers and judge in convesation. We were again starting to spiral out of control. I just got this group under control in my head and now they were trying to one up each other. A pause hit the room, is this the end, are we done? I sensed movement behind me, I tensed up, shut my eyes and prayed. The "I'm above all this lady" raised her hand. Oh no.

"Yes maam?"

She started to speak, "Does this mean we can go home now?"

A chorus of laughter ensued.

"Yes, you can go home now."

She saved us all.

Meanwhile back in the Jury Assembly Room holding tank

As I mentioned in my last post my name wasn't called in the first group of prospective jurors and either was the woman I fondly referred to in my head as "I'm above all this" lady. She sat in one corner of the room and was starting to assemble a group of women and I was sure she was convincing them they were above it all too, better than the rest of us.

After the first group left, I'll call it thinning the herd, we were able to study each other more intently. Don't think I didn't notice one old guy switched his seat making himself closer to me. There were several old guys in there with us women.

Hmmmm.... jury of your peers.

In the middle of the room there were two teachers grading papers, they had red pens, that's how they were picked out and they started up a teaching conversation pulling in a few more people into their little group. Although I was writing, my pen was black therefore was not mistaken as a teacher grading papers. I still continued to keep to myself, I was in an anti-social mood, for two reasons really:

1. I didn't want to be there and

B. I had cramps that would have Attila the Hun on the ground in the fetal position begging for a quick merciful death.

I'm so done with this uterus, it's taken on a life of it's own. It's event driven, holidays, vacations, jury duty, it will attack, even if it has to be early or late. It hates me.

So I kept writing or reading, avoiding eye contact with the old guys, teachers and the scary group of women gathering in the corner.

"I'm above all this" lady started to remind me of the woman in the movie The Mist, Mrs. Carmody. A bible thumping woman that assembled reasonably intelligent people, whipped them up into a frenzy and divided the people stuck in the grocery store with creatures outside trying to kill them. I found myself looking the for the more down to earth group and decided if worse came to worse I'd side with them. I wasn't ready to sacrifice anyone to the convicts out in the hallway and I didn't want to be the one they sacrificed. Now if I could just find someone that looked like Thomas Jane to glom onto. Problem was they took all the young guys in the first jury group. The other side of the room sat a bunch of bored out of their skull, blank eyed people. They just stared into space. I don't think I'd be way off calling them the social rejects. Which was worrisome knowing that the women in the corner could pounce on them at anytime.

The whole Jury Duty process was getting way out of control in my head. Finally a new baliff came out to tell us we would have to wait a little longer. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, doesn't she know what's going on in here? The judge and the lawyers were still discussing the case. In other words trying to settle and not go to trial. Hey guys take your time we're just sitting here trying not to go bat crap crazy.

Jury Duty Part 1, maybe the only part

Okay, I'm officially scared, I just saw convicts. Honest to God, orange striped jumpsuit in handcuffs, convicts. And there's a lot of them, I'm not getting out of here anytime soon. I knew I should have worn my Rush Limbaugh T-shirt.

The convicts were out in the hallway and so are the bathrooms, so I've stopped drinking my water and there will be no coffee for me even if it's free. They give you free tokens and validate your parking.

I parked way to far away, 2 blocks. If it's raining when I leave, I'm screwed. I just drove into a parking garage hoping it was close to the court house. 2 blocks away, I'm an idiot. The 8:30 arrival time is loosely observed. I don't think we are going to start until 9:00. The 8:30 time is for us country bumpkins that can't negotiate the big city. I really, really hope I can find my car if I ever get to leave. The husband called when I first got here, he knows all too well that I could have easily ended up in Pennsylvania. He had to check to see if I made it into the Jury Assembly Room. Being directionally retarded, I've cost him a few gray hairs. But I put full trust in the GPS lady, except for the time she wanted me to drive off a bridge, she has never failed me. I also had my map quest map and we all know that those are never wrong, I was in good hands.

I must look like a geek in this Jury Assembly Room, they probably think I'm taking notes on the video they are showing us. What a group of happy people I'm sitting with. I want to go home.

It's only a matter of time before I start making up names and attaching stories to them. I've already picked out "I'm above all this" lady. She's so much better than the rest of us. I have to pee. The bailiff is now fielding phone calls from the people that haven't shown up. Apparently you can come in the next day if you have a good enough excuse and can fax in a doctors excuse.

Wait, somethings happening.

The first group was called and I'm not in it, either is "I'm above all this" lady. Groups are starting to form and people are starting to talk, I've chosen to observe and keep to myself. This ends part 1 of my Jury Duty experience.

Stay tuned.

Hey HannahJ, I'm going to say retard in another post

I had a half inch by half inch piece of paper burning a hole in my pocket all morning. This little microscopic piece of paper said I could receive a free medium french fry. How awesome is that? I received this golden ticket on my McDonald's large Mocha with whole milk this morning when I stopped at the drive-thru for my Friday Egg McMuffin. I sat at my desk going through my emails, eating my Egg McMuffin, not interrupted by the phone and that's a sign of a good day, drinking my mocha wondering how can it get any better than this. That's when I found 2 little stickers on my paper cup with a lid. "What do we have here?"

I'm not oblivious to the world around me, but I have to admit I'm clueless in the McDonald's Monopoly Game world. I've just chosen not to participate in the past. But when I peeled off that winning french fry ticket I decided to throw myself into the game. I have a game board now.

I watched the clock all day waiting to cash in my winnings and get more pieces to my new obsession. Lunch time came, I had to go to the bank first. There are obstacles in life, we all have them. They teach us patience, compassion, all sorts of lessons on our journey through life. It's what make us stronger, obstacles in life are thrown into our paths to test us, teach us, ground us in reality, help us grow into a descent human being if we chose to learn from them. My obstacle on my way to my free french fries was a moron who couldn't work the ATM machine.

How retarded to you have to be to leave your card in the ATM when on the screen it says. "Do you wish to make another transaction?" Your options are yes or no. Not, drive away from the machine without your card or receipt. I got up to the ATM and could have withdrawn my weekend craft show money from her account. But instead I thought real hard and then pushed the button that said NO. I'm so damn smart sometimes. I put Einstein's card on the ledge and use my own card to withdraw my money. I followed the instructions and Eureka, my card spit back out at me. I grabbed the other card and made an unscheduled stop in the bank. As soon as I opened the door three tellers and one morons heads snapped around. "Do you have my card?"

"Yes." Idiot.

I handed it over and walked out. I said nothing for fear I wouldn't pass my "life's little obstacle test". Plus I had free french fries waiting for me.

What side is my heart suppose to be on?

My heart can't take another Monday like the one I had this past week, Friday can't get here fast enough.

First I'd like to blame the government, they presented me with a jury duty summons. On my way to work after picking up my precious liquid that is mocha, I thought of my jury duty and then thought, "No!, Is it this week? Oh my God, am I suppose to be convicting felons today? Am I a felon now?" And then my heart slowly descended out of my throat as I realized that it's next week. Can I just ask one thing? Instead of drawing from a pool of registered voters, why not draw from the pool of unemployed, living off the backs of the working people, people? Why take me away from my job when there are people unemployed at home watching Oprah?

The next group of people to blame for my almost heart attack would be men. Just going to generalize on this one. I'm lumping you all in with the guy that shook me down deep into my very soul. The guy that thought it was funny to call me at work and pretend to be the police asking for me and inquiring about my car that was involved in an accident. He had no way of knowing my kids had just lost a friend in a car accident this past weekend, but how is that funny anyway? I sat at work thinking of this kids family, looking at the clock and realizing the funeral is starting in 5 minutes, a mom and dad and a brother were going to be saying goodbye to that 19 year old boy and I get a call from the comedian. I lost it at work and retreated to the ladies room for 10 minutes, letting the damn phone ring, hoping someone was answering it. Is lumping you all in with this guy fair, probably not, sorry.

And number 3 heart stopping group, the police. Ha. Maybe just their cars with those damn sirens. When you are innocently driving back to your "going nowhere" job, they pull out of a parking lot and put their sirens on, that makes your heart sink. Fortunately it wasn't me he was after.

So Monday my heart ending up in my throat, my stomach and broke into a thousand pieces. That can't be good. I'm not even sure it's worked it's way back to the right place in my chest. I pretty much gave up on keeping my brain intact but now I have to worry if my heart is secure in there.

I think she's full of remorse

Just look at that face. Is that the face of a killer? I think not. Buckeye just hasn't been the same since The Incident. I had her outside with me for the afternoon while I did, effing yard work. I really hate raking leaves, they're not done falling and I'll be out there again, it's an endless chore, done year after year. But the rest of the neighbors were doing it so I thought I'd better put forth the effort. Trust me, I didn't over do it, but my back still hurts. I need a nap and vodka.


I thought it would be a good idea to put on Buckeye's peace and love bandanna while we were out. It's kind of her hippy one, with peace signs and hearts. Just in case any other squirrels were out there watching her. They have to know one of their own is gone but I'm certain they don't suspect her. It all happened so fast and most of the violence was behind the bushes, in the front yard. All the squirrels hang out in our back yard. I wanted her to look harmless, I'm looking out for her reputation. I don't want her to have a bad rep in the neighborhood. And I have to say she played her part well. Sniffed around, dug a few holes and lounged around like the queen of the neighborhood. I think we can safely say the "Incident" is behind us.

I don't think she meant to kill it

Almost everyday my stomach starts to grumble around noon. That's when I start to watch the clock, my lunch is at 1:00. I planned it that way, when I get back at 2:00 the rest of the day goes by fast. It's a good plan. Most days I go home because fast food everyday doesn't appeal to me and I let the dog out. Today I also wanted to check on a sick Boy #2 and bring him some Ginger Ale because he puked all night. Please God don't let me catch the stomach flu, please, please, please.
Now that it's cold out again my flip flops have been exchanged for my cool boots. I had my CFM boots on today. Please don't ask, figure out what each letter stands for, I try to maintain a PG-13 blog.
So not being use to high heels I just need the dog to go out, pee and come right back in.
I'm so sorry Relax Max for mentioning pee in yet another post.
She should pee right away because it's raining and she's a sissy, hates the rain and will only go out in it if she really has to go bad.
"Keep an eye on her." I tell Boy #2. "Let me know if she goes, I have to get lunch."
30 seconds later, "Mom, it looks like she has something."
"What do you mean has something?"
"She's behind the bushes and I heard a weird noise."
Now I have to go out in the rain, this will screw up my hair.
"Oh my God, oh my God, she has a squirrel. What do I do? Oh my God."
Do you get the gist of me panicking?
First I see the unmistakable big squirrel tail, then the dog comes out of the bushes with the entire squirrel. And I'm out there with my high heels trying to grab the dog without getting touched by the flailing squirrel. The squirrel was panicking too, for good reason, it was in the jaws of my killer dog that's afraid of rain.
"Buckeye, let go, let go, oh my God. Come here, come, Buckeye!" The panicking continued. There was a lot of swearing. Where the hell is Boy #2? Where is he?
The dog released the squirrel and I grab her collar, dragged her in the house and Boy #2 was sitting on the steps. "Check her for any scratches."
I looked outside and the squirrel lay there twitching. More swearing. "Damn, look at it."
"She killed it.....almost."
"This is a crisis now."
"You should have seen how funny you looked on the steps trying to get her."
"I hope you throw up again."

I called the husband to fill him in on the crisis, he didn't seem to grasp the trauma I just went through.
"You know, you're going to have to come home from work and take this squirrel to the vet and they're going to have to fly in tiny instruments from El Paso and it will be a costly and difficult procedure. Once he's discharged you'll have to make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated."

You have to be a member of the Seinfeld cult to get that last line. I tried to find a YouTube clip but couldn't. Here's the script.

It's not hard to figure out they're up to something

Either everyone on my parents street is having an underground bunker dug in their yards or they are having the decrepit water pipes replaced or they are having underground bunkers dug and using the water pipes as cover. This of course was going through my head as I waited to be waved by, by the driver of the giant earth moving truck.
"Ah, I can go now? Can he even see me? Great, I'll just weave through these orange barrels, through the mud and over this bump and pull into what is now being called my parents driveway."
Did I mention my parents are in their 70's? No? Let me go tell this guy.
"Hello."
"Hi."
"Can you tell me at any given moment while you are working here or have these vehicles parked for the night that an emergency vehicle will not be hindered in any possible way, at all, never ever?"
"Oh, yes ma'am." He ma'amed me, the son of bitch. "We take that into consideration, have had it happen before too, not a problem."
"Thank you. I have to go now before my dad sees me, don't tell him about my inquiry or he'll be mad at me, thank you."
"Yes ma'am." Again?

Two birds, one stone. Mom and dad can be whisked away to the emergency room in a timely, efficient manner. And they are totally building underground bunkers. I want one. Or I need to secure a place in mom and dads before Erv does.

Do underground bunkers come supplied with canned goods, guns and ammo or is that something you have to take care of yourself? I need to do some underground bunker research this weekend. I need to be ready for impending doom.

Mom walked me out to my car after my visit because I told dad that mom and I had a bit of girl talk to take care of, which we did, I don't lie to my parents, they've known me too long. After we talked we surveyed the mess on their street. "What will you do on Halloween night? You'll loose half the little trick-or-treaters in the holes, won't find them until morning." She laughed. Then I told her about the conversation I had with the underground bunker digger.
"You know I was worried about an ambulance being able to get through here."
"Well you don't have to worry anymore, I took care of it. Those guys are scared of me now."

Start digging Erv, I've secured my spot.

There are things out there, things

Me and my vivid imagination had absolutely no where to be Sunday morning, so we decided to sleep late. The husband, me and the dog slept the morning away, drifting in and out of sleep. We would mumble about coffee, try to get the dog to start the coffee machine. Apparently this was to difficult for her and she lay at the foot of the bed like a slug. Opposable thumbs came up - again and quite frankly, I'm getting tired of that excuse. The coffee is all made, you just have to push the on button, she could do it if she wanted to.

I listened to the birds chirp, would fall back to sleep. I'd be rattled awake by the thump on the roof.

"The hell?" And then I would hear a thwap, thwap, thwap of something with a giant wing span flying away. It happened 3 or 4 times. I just can't win, I either have ducks and geese or creatures from a scientific experiment gone wrong, like in The Mist, landing on my roof to terrorize my neighborhood. Now seriously, I'm leaning towards the ducks and geese because it's morning and everyone knows horrific, scientific creatures come out at night. But what if the creatures got an early start? Shouldn't I shower? I'd hate to be chased out of my neighborhood in my nightgown and bedhead. I'm too tired to run screaming through the streets. I drifted off again.

Half an hour later, I glanced at the dog, she hadn't moved a muscle. It must have been the husband that woke me because he was gone. I hope he starts the coffee. I hope he wasn't dragged out the window by scary, horrific, scientific creatures. There appeared to be no signs of struggle, I'm sure he's fine. My vivid imagination and I went back to sleep.

GloBalls

Nothing snaps you back into the land of the living faster than spotting a box of GloBalls. Holy Crap. Six individually wrapped coconut and marshmallow covered chocolate cakes with creamy filling. GloBalls.

With a team of doctors working 'round the clock to fix my hormones, I try to go about my weekend without passing out. Wheeling my shopping cart up and down each aisle at the WalMarts, I know I'll get home forgetting more than I remembered. Like for instance bread, yes I forgot bread. It's a simple item, one that you pick up without even thinking each week. But if it's in the same aisle as a box of GloBalls and your brain cells are under the influence of pain medication.................... bread? What is bread? For $2.50 I can own a box of these delicious green coconut GloBalls. I'm so going to the hostess cakes website because now I have to have a Justice League green ring. Who is that green super hero? On the back of the box there is Superman, Batman, a red guy and a green guy. I think the red guy is The Flash. When did this Justice League form, I have no memory of them, then again I can't remember bread............