Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Mammogram, yep I'm blogging about it.

My first boob reconfiguration. So Erv, shut your eyes real tight and get the wife to screen this post, this is one you might not want to read. In fact just don't read it.

My overwhelming sense of urgency when visiting the doctor was my uterus. I'm done with it, don't want it anymore, it's more trouble than it's worth and I was there to state my case to the doctor at my yearly, paper gown wearing checkup. I yammered away as the doctor started my examine until I saw her eyes widen.
"What's that, do you know that's there, that lump? Let's get you that mammogram you've put off for too long."
"Okay." I remained in a sedated, confused state of mind while the office tried to get me in as soon as possible. And my uterus was again put on hold. I'm convinced I'll be stuck with it forever.

I'll tell you now that the lump was just a cyst. But for three days I kicked myself for putting off my health. Besides being worried about breast cancer, I was also concern for my nipples. I'd been told the stories of the mammogram and for the life of me could not see how they were going to get my boobs to stay in a machine when I could barely find a bra I don't swim in, I'm not what you call well endowed. I was convinced my nipples would be pinched off. After the mammogram technician removed the large tray and replaced it with the small boob tray, it was go time. And yes, the list of exercises to do to prepare for a mammogram that has been floating around the internet for years is true:

Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as she can. Repeat for the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

The good news, just a cyst and I still have my nipples. The bad new, I still have my uterus.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Usually my alcohol comes in a plastic cup

Erv and I convened at his house to try and put together the pieces of LOST, for about 10 minutes, then we decided to drink and play corn-hole. I was a little disappointed he and my sister-in-law hadn't mixed up a batch of adult punch, but I guess they still remember the last time I got my hands on the punch bowl.

"Are they going to heaven by way of that church? Over half of them killed at least 1 to 3 people and Michael has to stay on the island with the whisper people?"

Instead my sister-in-law handed me a wine class. I looked at this foreign object in my hand, usually my alcohol comes in a plastic cup, I'm not a wine person. I try, but I don't like it. So when my mom and sister-in-law start talking wine I quietly sit munching on cheese-its until I can jump into the conversation again.
"I think I found a wine you'll like." She's desperately trying to include me, she's so sweet. After unscrewing the cap she filled my wine glass, I felt so classy, and then dumped in some crushed ice. She and my mom waited with anticipation as I sipped a sip. "I think I like it, but will it give me a good buzz like the adult punch?"
"Just drink it."

"If they are all moving on, all dead in LOST, why are they taking baby Aaron with them, he was already born and three years old when last we saw him?"

"Let's play corn-hole."
"I'm going to refill my wine glass first, let's be on the same team so we don't have to stand next to each other."
"Yes, we should separate."
Corn-hole has become our families obsession. Erv and I against our 74 year old father and my boy #3, the geek. We were going to try not to embarrass them.

"How did they, when did they all decide to meet in the "sideways world" once they died?" I shouted.
"Stop taking about the sideways world, you lose people when you talk about the sideways world, they look at you funny." This coming from Boy #3 who also hung on until the end of LOST and was on my side of the corn-hole game.

"Hey! Anytime you want to turn on your corn-hole mojo would be great." Erv yelled at me from the other side. We were getting our asses kicked.
"You need to get that bag on the board or we're out of this game." He yelled at me again.
It was something like 21 to 5, you need 21 to win, I had the last bag to throw to cancel out one of their bags, to stay alive. That's pressure. I had somewhat of a buzz but not an adult punch buzz, I had LOST zapping any brain cell that dared to come out of hiding and I had to get that bag on the board. I took a deep breath, got into position, brought my arm back, was ready to release the bag. And right at the point that my hand and bag were ready to separate, Boy #3 says,
"I'm gay."

Not that there's anything wrong with that. (Different show, but effectively brought me out of my LOST coma.)