Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween Parade of Prostitutes

I counted about twelve prostitutes walking up to my doorstep this Halloween night. Fishnet stockings, high heels and a little tight dress that goes up to her twat is a prostitute. Their parents are delusional if they think they look like anything else.
"Here honey, have a fun size Kit Kat and go put some pants on."
I thanked the Lord above about 27 times tonight for giving me boys. One of the hookers in training walked by my house 4 times.

NO! No, no, no, oh please, please don't let her be one of Boy #3's friends.

Boy #3 then appeared with his rag tag group of friends. I pointed the prostitute out, at which time the group hid in the bushes.
"That's right baby, you hide from the godless Jezebel. I'm the onliest woman in my boys life."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Too Much Testosterone In My House

“Can I have the remote? I just need to check a score.”

“No. You never just check one thing, you check everything.”

There’s too much testosterone roaming around in my house, a girl can’t sit and watch a movie uninterrupted. I hate football season. And it isn’t like the old days when we all loved the Cleveland Browns, although they are a little hard to love these days, they all like a different team. They have fantasy teams, it’s a world I can never be apart of because it confuses the hell out of me. I’ll have a kid explaining the inter-workings of his fantasy football team and I can only pay attention for so long before my eyes glaze over and I say, “Did you take the garbage out yet?”

I gave up the remote and decided to sit in front of the computer for a while in hopes of being left alone. On my computer screen was more fantasy football. WaiverWire Beta, what the hell? “Can I have the computer? I need to check some stats.”


“It’s important mom.”

“I had my blog up on the screen. You clicked out of my blog?”

“Yeah…… I uhhh….”

“Fine! How about if I just go do some damn laundry.”


Sunday, October 26, 2008

This Quarter is Sticky

Before the sinus medication takes effect I thought I'd try to form a few complete sentences. I don't know what made me remember this cappuccino event, perhaps my latest coughing fit broke a memory through my sinus medicine haze.
If you haven't figured it out already, I'm a mocha cappuccino maniac. I have to stop, I have no control over myself when a Speedway gas station presents itself before me and my car. I can't afford Starbucks all the time. Besides I like to fill my own cup, I have time to wait for the foam to go down so I can fit more of that blessed liquid in. Which brings me to my jogged memory. I made a mess with overflowing mocha, by the time I got to the resister to pay my $1.29 I was sticky. I grabbed a moist towelette and began unstickying. The cashier looked at me and said, "$1.29."
"Uhhhh...... hold on, this quarter is sticky." I washed the quarter.
She looked at me with wide, disbelieving eyes. "No one's ever done that before."
I didn't know how to take that after looking at her face. She either thought I was an angel from above or a certifiable nut case. It was hard to tell.
I like to think she went on to perform a good deed for someone, like on that commercial, I sort of set off a chain reaction. Not the crazy lady she tells all her friends about when they are out for drinks. "Oh here comes the check, everybody wash your money." And then they all laugh hysterically.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


Okay so the over the counter stuff isn't working. The snot is still suck up in my head and sucking all the fun out of my day to day activities. I'll have to break down, hand over the co-pay to see the doctor and hope the fist full of prescriptions are on the first tier of our medical insurance plan. And hope I get the whole thing taken care for $50 dollars or less.
Posting on my blogs has been a challenge. I have great ideas but they are getting caught up in the snot swimming around my brain or all together forgotten once the sinus medicine takes effect. Some day I hope to be able to retrieve them before my head explodes. I'm looking forward to the day that I can bend over and I'll be sure that my eyes will stay in their sockets. Because right now I have to check and make sure they are still there when I straighten up.

My Fingers Won’t Go as Fast as My Mouth.

Whenever I’m asked, “What’s the best advice you ever received?” I never hesitate, my mom told me to take Typing I in the ninth grade. Back then I thought it was the dumbest thing I ever heard. “Typing, hello, I’m going to be an artist.” Twenty some years later I find myself sitting in front of a keyboard, more than half of my waking hours. But my fingers won’t go as fast as my mouth. You keep your jokes to yourself:

Type at $150 Words Per Minute for $99!

Press Release:

Here is another great video review by Lisa, who coincidently writes the blog Lisa Reviews. She writes about how she can write at 150 words per minute with Dragon NaturallySpeaking.

I think one of the key takeaways from her video, the key insight that is, is that she is able to write a lot more in those spare moments of time that she has while she's doing other things. Sometimes it's great to multitask, but it's even more important to be able to accomplish useful goals in those spare two or three or four minute pockets of time that we all experience throughout the day.

With Dragon NaturallySpeaking a four minute pocket of time can translate into 600 words! That could be three or four e-mails or one or two long blog articles if you're a blogger like Lisa.
Dragon NaturallySpeaking 10 Standard
For just $99 you can get started with Dragon NaturallySpeaking and have it trained in running in about seven minutes. The software with version 10 is simply amazing.

I have been writing about Dragon NaturallySpeaking for almost 2 years now. I have been able to type at rates of up to 167 words per minute with Dragon NaturallySpeaking. That speed was clocked while I was taking a typing test, but even in practical situations when I factor in not only the time it takes to type, but the time that it also takes to edit the words I typed, the end result is that I can still achieve about 100 words a minute, INCLUDING editing time! J

That is extremely fast, and the inclusion of editing time, speaks to the advances that you can see in version 10 as compared to older versions such as version 8 or version 9. It's a lot easier to edit on the fly with Dragon NaturallySpeaking 10.

So if you're looking for a practical tool for your home office, for your writing or blog work, or even just to keep up with e-mail in your spare time, Dragon NaturallySpeaking can give you the power to write at 150 words a minute for a price that starts at $99. Heck, I think I paid that much almost for my last keyboard so that I wouldn't pound my fingers to death. :-)

Brett Bumeter
Softduit Media
PS this article includes about 376 words that I wrote with Dragon NaturallySpeaking 10. It took me about 3 1/2 minutes to write and edit this article, which is just a little bit better than 100 words per minute and that includes editing time.

It took me about 3 1/2 minutes to write and edit this article, which is just a little bit better than 100 words per minute and that includes editing time.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Politcal Free Blog

I talked politics with the flu shot nurse at work today. She started it. I was put in charge of ushering in the flu shot recipients, having them sign in and requesting which arm they would like the needle to puncture. Thank God they all picked an arm and not a cheek. I really didn't want to get to know my co-workers that well. During a lull in the stream of sleeve rollers the discussion ensued. I opted out of the flu shot and she said, "It's a free country."
I replied, "For a couple more weeks I suppose it is."
She agreed with me.
While I have very strong opinions on the upcoming Presidential election, I've decided to keep it out of my blog. No one is going to change my mind, who am I to think I could change theirs? Since I've decided to keep politics out of my blog, I've also tried to shy away from political blog advertisements on my EntreCard and Project Wonderful widgets. There are quite a few bloggers out there that haven't done their homework and it aggravates me. I have enough gray hair. So consider Farvel Cargo and View of Sue politics free.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Bi-Focal Denial

My eye doctor tells me I’m in bi-focal denial. If not wanting to look like a grandma is bi-focal denial then that’s me. I don’t want a pair of granny glasses perched at the end of my nose. But it’s to that point I’m afraid, unless I give up reading. So right before the blessed holiday spending season I have to come up with some glasses money. Either than or invest in a white cane and another dog. And Buckeye would be pissed if I brought another dog into the house; it’s all about her. I can’t rely on her to usher me around, we’d be chasing squirrels all day and never get anything done.
Bi-focals have to cost more than regular eyeglasses. I spent over one hundred dollars on just a pair of frames last time I bought glasses and today I found a bunch of frames for under thirty dollars at Holy Crap!
The husband can get a new pair too! His and her glasses for Christmas. We get more romantic as the years go by.
I’ll get my bi-focals but I won’t like it and if you have any thoughts of me posting a picture of me and my new glasses, just wipe that thought and image from your mind. Never going to happen.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Blue Sock, Black Sock, Left Sock, Right Sock

After 23 years of marriage, I still can't undo what his mother did to him. The idea of putting one dirty sock inside the other so they remain a "set" until wash day just represents more work for me. With three boys and a husband I sort laundry with a surgical mask, rubber gloves and a set of plastic tongs. Undoing smelly, dirty socks is something I didn't sign up for. I would rather they left the house with un-matched socks.

"You know I had an important meeting today and noticed I had on one blue sock and one black sock."
"You didn't go over to your mother's did you?"

He never puts them in the hamper anyway. Two days ago, I shuffled out for my morning coffee and found a pair of rolled up socks on the kitchen counter. Just to mess with his head I unrolled them and put one in the hamper, left the other one right where I found it.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Mom's Kitchen is Closed

I called in sick again today. I know it's Sunday and the office is closed, but I wanted to make it clear that Mom's kitchen is closed too. I must have told the husband 47 times today, "I'm not cooking. Make sure you tell the boys that when you talk to them." I don't want anyone wandering around in my kitchen looking for a home cooked Sunday meal.
I also called in sick to a baby shower I was suppose to attend this afternoon. You know it's a shame to miss them, bummer. But the way my extended family has been multiplying they'll be another one soon.
It's time for my nap now. Being sick is a drag. I need to assure the daughter-in-law that I didn't catch this from her. It's an allergy related thing. Guilt is tool I wield very carefully, I never even thought to blame her for this. A burrito from Chipolte would make me feel so much better though.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Chugging Nyquil

The dog watched with interest as I rummaged through my closet for something comfortable to wear. I was home sick yesterday and she was very curious as to why I was home with her. I dragged myself out of bed at about 11:30, took a shower and dressed myself in my kids hand-me-downs. I resembled a skater-dude. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Are you comfortable?" Shook my head yes and made some tea.
The dog spent the afternoon playing outside while I caught up on my recorded episode of the freakshow that is Heroes. Which I should post on later if I can wrap my head around it and all it's freakiness.
I'm hoping that by tomorrow I'll be able to breath through both nostrils at the same time, simultaneously without my mouth hanging open. Really, I don't think that's asking too much but should the congestion continue, I will at least take comfort in my bottle of Nyquil.