Saturday, October 30, 2010

No, I'm not superstitious

It's just that my last post was number 666. And I don't want it to stay there for Halloween. And it's about time I posted this song again, because it's a classic.

Happy Halloween!

I had to put a lower quality video, the other one became unavailable. Thanks for letting me know Relax Max!

Before the Benadryl kicks in

Wouldn't it be great if I could stop sneezing Apparently not going to happen yet. This will give me time to squeeze one more post out about the awesome responsibility of Jury Duty. Where did we leave off? Oh yes, "I'm above all this lady" had assembled the angry mob and they were deciding who to sacrifice to the convicts out in the hall.
I was mulling over the remaining people stranded in the Jury Assembly Room. Most of the men were gray hairs. And most of the women seemed to be close to my age, young. Our bailiff finally came to get us, I was about to leave the safety of the Jury Assembly Room, I was about to be thrown out amongst the criminals and lawyers. Why don't we just say criminals, right?
Reluctantly I gathered my belongings, along with everyone else, wondering if I will ever see the light of day again. Our bailiff pointed to some stairs and asked if anyone would rather take the elevator. There was a pregnant woman that got on, some of the gray hairs and a fat lady. The last man to wander out of the Jury Assembly Room sanctuary was probably the oldest person in our group. Several people asked him if he wanted to get on the elevator, no response.
"Sir? Do you want to ride the elevator instead of taking the stairs?" Still no response. That thing behind his ear was a hearing aid, I know it was. "Sir, DO YOU WANT TO RIDE IN THE EL-E-VA-TOR?"
Everyone was looking at him by now. We were inching our way towards a scene. We are going to spiral out of control. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator. I was willing him through mental telepathy to bring this drama to it's end before we law abiding citizens got caught up in a jail breaking, hostage negotiating nightmare. Stop drawing attention to us, we're sitting ducks out here. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator.
" Elevator? Nah, I don't need an elevator." At that moment I felt like calling him dad. Anyone that knows my dad would agree. Stubborn.
If the rest of this post seems incoherent it's because the Benadryl is starting to kick in. I tried to get it done, but the sneezing.
Up one flight of stairs we went, slightly deaf old man and all. We hooked up with the elevator people and separated again. Another elevator, another flight of stairs. Once we were all back together we were marched right into a court room. This is when I realized there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The bastards settled. The judge and lawyers were in the court room. The bailiff asked us to take a seat. Yes, yes I'll take a seat, it's time to take my 800 hundred milligram Motrin. I didn't want to be seen popping any pills so I refrained. This was proving to be a bad decision as I'm sure my uterus was about to fall out. We sat down and I, out of the corner of my mouth, said to the guy next to me, "They settled, we are so out of here." He nodded in agreeance and winked at me. I notice when I leaned over to talk to him a woman had just crossed her leg and that leg belonged to "I'm above all this lady". Dear God she's right behind me. She can smell my fear, I know it. Please won't they just let me go home?
The judge started to tell us why we had waited so long in the Jury Assembly Room was that the lawyers, clients and he were trying to reach an agreement so they didn't have to go to trial. Which they did, but we were still a big part of the process, yada, yada, yada. And the lawyers went on to tell us about the case we were missing. Ahhhh, jury of your peers, I'm spending the day with a bunch of geezers because a WWII vet fell in a poorly marked parking lot.
"Any questions?" The judge asked. Several hands went up.
Huh? Don't they know we can go now?
One after the other, these people tried to express their intelligence with seemingly intelligent questions. One by one they engaged the lawyers and judge in convesation. We were again starting to spiral out of control. I just got this group under control in my head and now they were trying to one up each other. A pause hit the room, is this the end, are we done? I sensed movement behind me, I tensed up, shut my eyes and prayed. The "I'm above all this lady" raised her hand. Oh no.
"Yes maam?"
She started to speak, "Does this mean we can go home now?"
A chorus of laughter ensued.
"Yes, you can go home now."
She saved us all.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Meanwhile back in the Jury Assembly Room holding tank

As I mentioned in my last post my name wasn't called in the first group of prospective jurors and either was the woman I fondly referred to in my head as "I'm above all this" lady. She sat in one corner of the room and was starting to assemble a group of women and I was sure she was convincing them they were above it all too, better than the rest of us.
After the first group left, I'll call it thinning the herd, we were able to study each other more intently. Don't think I didn't notice one old guy switched his seat making himself closer to me. There were several old guys in there with us women.
Hmmmm.... jury of your peers.
In the middle of the room there were two teachers grading papers, they had red pens, that's how they were picked out and they started up a teaching conversation pulling in a few more people into their little group. Although I was writing, my pen was black therefore was not mistaken as a teacher grading papers. I still continued to keep to myself, I was in an anti-social mood, for two reasons really:
1. I didn't want to be there and
B. I had cramps that would have Attila the Hun on the ground in the fetal position begging for a quick merciful death.
I'm so done with this uterus, it's taken on a life of it's own. It's event driven, holidays, vacations, jury duty, it will attack, even if it has to be early or late. It hates me.
So I kept writing or reading, avoiding eye contact with the old guys, teachers and the scary group of women gathering in the corner.
"I'm above all this" lady started to remind me of the woman in the movie The Mist, Mrs. Carmody. A bible thumping woman that assembled reasonably intelligent people, whipped them up into a frenzy and divided the people stuck in the grocery store with creatures outside trying to kill them. I found myself looking the for the more down to earth group and decided if worse came to worse I'd side with them. I wasn't ready to sacrifice anyone to the convicts out in the hallway and I didn't want to be the one they sacrificed. Now if I could just find someone that looked like Thomas Jane to glom onto. Problem was they took all the young guys in the first jury group. The other side of the room sat a bunch of bored out of their skull, blank eyed people. They just stared into space. I don't think I'd be way off calling them the social rejects. Which was worrisome knowing that the women in the corner could pounce on them at anytime.
The whole Jury Duty process was getting way out of control in my head. Finally a new baliff came out to tell us we would have to wait a little longer. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, doesn't she know what's going on in here? The judge and the lawyers were still discussing the case. In other words trying to settle and not go to trial. Hey guys take your time we're just sitting here trying not to go bat crap crazy.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Jury Duty Part 1, maybe the only part

Okay, I'm officially scared, I just saw convicts. Honest to God, orange striped jumpsuit in handcuffs, convicts. And there's a lot of them, I'm not getting out of here anytime soon. I knew I should have worn my Rush Limbaugh T-shirt.
The convicts were out in the hallway and so are the bathrooms, so I've stopped drinking my water and there will be no coffee for me even if it's free. They give you free tokens and validate your parking.
I parked way to far away, 2 blocks. If it's raining when I leave, I'm screwed. I just drove into a parking garage hoping it was close to the court house. 2 blocks away, I'm an idiot. The 8:30 arrival time is loosely observed. I don't think we are going to start until 9:00. The 8:30 time is for us country bumpkins that can't negotiate the big city. I really, really hope I can find my car if I ever get to leave. The husband called when I first got here, he knows all too well that I could have easily ended up in Pennsylvania. He had to check to see if I made it into the Jury Assembly Room. Being directionally retarded, I've cost him a few gray hairs. But I put full trust in the GPS lady, except for the time she wanted me to drive off a bridge, she has never failed me. I also had my map quest map and we all know that those are never wrong, I was in good hands.
I must look like a geek in this Jury Assembly Room, they probably think I'm taking notes on the video they are showing us. What a group of happy people I'm sitting with. I want to go home.
It's only a matter of time before I start making up names and attaching stories to them. I've already picked out "I'm above all this" lady. She's so much better than the rest of us. I have to pee. The bailiff is now fielding phone calls from the people that haven't shown up. Apparently you can come in the next day if you have a good enough excuse and can fax in a doctors excuse.
Wait, somethings happening.
The first group was called and I'm not in it, either is "I'm above all this" lady. Groups are starting to form and people are starting to talk, I've chosen to observe and keep to myself. This ends part 1 of my Jury Duty experience.
Stay tuned.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hey HannahJ, I'm going to say retard in another post

I had a half inch by half inch piece of paper burning a hole in my pocket all morning. This little microscopic piece of paper said I could receive a free medium french fry. How awesome is that? I received this golden ticket on my McDonald's large Mocha with whole milk this morning when I stopped at the drive-thru for my Friday Egg McMuffin. I sat at my desk going through my emails, eating my Egg McMuffin, not interrupted by the phone and that's a sign of a good day, drinking my mocha wondering how can it get any better than this. That's when I found 2 little stickers on my paper cup with a lid. "What do we have here?"
I'm not oblivious to the world around me, but I have to admit I'm clueless in the McDonald's Monopoly Game world. I've just chosen not to participate in the past. But when I peeled off that winning french fry ticket I decided to throw myself into the game. I have a game board now.
I watched the clock all day waiting to cash in my winnings and get more pieces to my new obsession. Lunch time came, I had to go to the bank first. There are obstacles in life, we all have them. They teach us patience, compassion, all sorts of lessons on our journey through life. It's what make us stronger, obstacles in life are thrown into our paths to test us, teach us, ground us in reality, help us grow into a descent human being if we chose to learn from them. My obstacle on my way to my free french fries was a moron who couldn't work the ATM machine.
How retarded to you have to be to leave your card in the ATM when on the screen it says. "Do you wish to make another transaction?" Your options are yes or no. Not, drive away from the machine without your card or receipt. I got up to the ATM and could have withdrawn my weekend craft show money from her account. But instead I thought real hard and then pushed the button that said NO. I'm so damn smart sometimes. I put Einstein's card on the ledge and use my own card to withdraw my money. I followed the instructions and Eureka, my card spit back out at me. I grabbed the other card and made an unscheduled stop in the bank. As soon as I opened the door three tellers and one morons heads snapped around. "Do you have my card?"
"Yes." Idiot.
I handed it over and walked out. I said nothing for fear I wouldn't pass my "life's little obstacle test". Plus I had free french fries waiting for me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What side is my heart suppose to be on?

My heart can't take another Monday like the one I had this past week, Friday can't get here fast enough.

First I'd like to blame the government, they presented me with a jury duty summons. On my way to work after picking up my precious liquid that is mocha, I thought of my jury duty and then thought, "No!, Is it this week? Oh my God, am I suppose to be convicting felons today? Am I a felon now?" And then my heart slowly descended out of my throat as I realized that it's next week. Can I just ask one thing? Instead of drawing from a pool of registered voters, why not draw from the pool of unemployed, living off the backs of the working people, people? Why take me away from my job when there are people unemployed at home watching Oprah?

The next group of people to blame for my almost heart attack would be men. Just going to generalize on this one. I'm lumping you all in with the guy that shook me down deep into my very soul. The guy that thought it was funny to call me at work and pretend to be the police asking for me and inquiring about my car that was involved in an accident. He had no way of knowing my kids had just lost a friend in a car accident this past weekend, but how is that funny anyway? I sat at work thinking of this kids family, looking at the clock and realizing the funeral is starting in 5 minutes, a mom and dad and a brother were going to be saying goodbye to that 19 year old boy and I get a call from the comedian. I lost it at work and retreated to the ladies room for 10 minutes, letting the damn phone ring, hoping someone was answering it. Is lumping you all in with this guy fair, probably not, sorry.

And number 3 heart stopping group, the police. Ha. Maybe just their cars with those damn sirens. When you are innocently driving back to your "going nowhere" job, they pull out of a parking lot and put their sirens on, that makes your heart sink. Fortunately it wasn't me he was after.

So Monday my heart ending up in my throat, my stomach and broke into a thousand pieces. That can't be good. I'm not even sure it's worked it's way back to the right place in my chest. I pretty much gave up on keeping my brain intact but now I have to worry if my heart is secure in there.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I think she's full of remorse

Just look at that face. Is that the face of a killer? I think not. Buckeye just hasn't been the same since The Incident. I had her outside with me for the afternoon while I did, effing yard work. I really hate raking leaves, they're not done falling and I'll be out there again, it's an endless chore, done year after year. But the rest of the neighbors were doing it so I thought I'd better put forth the effort. Trust me, I didn't over do it, but my back still hurts. I need a nap and vodka.

I thought it would be a good idea to put on Buckeye's peace and love bandanna while we were out. It's kind of her hippy one, with peace signs and hearts. Just in case any other squirrels were out there watching her. They have to know one of their own is gone but I'm certain they don't suspect her. It all happened so fast and most of the violence was behind the bushes, in the front yard. All the squirrels hang out in our back yard. I wanted her to look harmless, I'm looking out for her reputation. I don't want her to have a bad rep in the neighborhood. And I have to say she played her part well. Sniffed around, dug a few holes and lounged around like the queen of the neighborhood. I think we can safely say the "Incident" is behind us.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

I don't think she meant to kill it

Almost everyday my stomach starts to grumble around noon. That's when I start to watch the clock, my lunch is at 1:00. I planned it that way, when I get back at 2:00 the rest of the day goes by fast. It's a good plan. Most days I go home because fast food everyday doesn't appeal to me and I let the dog out. Today I also wanted to check on a sick Boy #2 and bring him some Ginger Ale because he puked all night. Please God don't let me catch the stomach flu, please, please, please.
Now that it's cold out again my flip flops have been exchanged for my cool boots. I had my CFM boots on today. Please don't ask, figure out what each letter stands for, I try to maintain a PG-13 blog.
So not being use to high heels I just need the dog to go out, pee and come right back in.
I'm so sorry Relax Max for mentioning pee in yet another post.
She should pee right away because it's raining and she's a sissy, hates the rain and will only go out in it if she really has to go bad.
"Keep an eye on her." I tell Boy #2. "Let me know if she goes, I have to get lunch."
30 seconds later, "Mom, it looks like she has something."
"What do you mean has something?"
"She's behind the bushes and I heard a weird noise."
Now I have to go out in the rain, this will screw up my hair.
"Oh my God, oh my God, she has a squirrel. What do I do? Oh my God."
Do you get the gist of me panicking?
First I see the unmistakable big squirrel tail, then the dog comes out of the bushes with the entire squirrel. And I'm out there with my high heels trying to grab the dog without getting touched by the flailing squirrel. The squirrel was panicking too, for good reason, it was in the jaws of my killer dog that's afraid of rain.
"Buckeye, let go, let go, oh my God. Come here, come, Buckeye!" The panicking continued. There was a lot of swearing. Where the hell is Boy #2? Where is he?
The dog released the squirrel and I grab her collar, dragged her in the house and Boy #2 was sitting on the steps. "Check her for any scratches."
I looked outside and the squirrel lay there twitching. More swearing. "Damn, look at it."
"She killed it.....almost."
"This is a crisis now."
"You should have seen how funny you looked on the steps trying to get her."
"I hope you throw up again."

I called the husband to fill him in on the crisis, he didn't seem to grasp the trauma I just went through.
"You know, you're going to have to come home from work and take this squirrel to the vet and they're going to have to fly in tiny instruments from El Paso and it will be a costly and difficult procedure. Once he's discharged you'll have to make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated."

You have to be a member of the Seinfeld cult to get that last line. I tried to find a YouTube clip but couldn't. Here's the script.

Friday, October 01, 2010

It's not hard to figure out they're up to something

Either everyone on my parents street is having an underground bunker dug in their yards or they are having the decrepit water pipes replaced or they are having underground bunkers dug and using the water pipes as cover. This of course was going through my head as I waited to be waved by, by the driver of the giant earth moving truck.
"Ah, I can go now? Can he even see me? Great, I'll just weave through these orange barrels, through the mud and over this bump and pull into what is now being called my parents driveway."
Did I mention my parents are in their 70's? No? Let me go tell this guy.
"Can you tell me at any given moment while you are working here or have these vehicles parked for the night that an emergency vehicle will not be hindered in any possible way, at all, never ever?"
"Oh, yes ma'am." He ma'amed me, the son of bitch. "We take that into consideration, have had it happen before too, not a problem."
"Thank you. I have to go now before my dad sees me, don't tell him about my inquiry or he'll be mad at me, thank you."
"Yes ma'am." Again?

Two birds, one stone. Mom and dad can be whisked away to the emergency room in a timely, efficient manner. And they are totally building underground bunkers. I want one. Or I need to secure a place in mom and dads before Erv does.

Do underground bunkers come supplied with canned goods, guns and ammo or is that something you have to take care of yourself? I need to do some underground bunker research this weekend. I need to be ready for impending doom.

Mom walked me out to my car after my visit because I told dad that mom and I had a bit of girl talk to take care of, which we did, I don't lie to my parents, they've known me too long. After we talked we surveyed the mess on their street. "What will you do on Halloween night? You'll loose half the little trick-or-treaters in the holes, won't find them until morning." She laughed. Then I told her about the conversation I had with the underground bunker digger.
"You know I was worried about an ambulance being able to get through here."
"Well you don't have to worry anymore, I took care of it. Those guys are scared of me now."

Start digging Erv, I've secured my spot.