Saturday, November 23, 2013

So how was your morning?

In the shower, with my face all soaped up, I hear a thud. Eff. The husband must have fallen and couldn't get up. Or perhaps he's having a heart attack, stroke or has slipped into a diabetic coma. That's what goes through my head when I'm in the shower almost every day. Not just the husband in harms way but some catastrophic event will happen when I have soap in my eyes while showering rendering me useless and vulnerable. Unable to make life and death decisions because I don't want a rescue squad to see me at my worst. You know, without makeup and my hair wet. Because I know once I call 911 they will send the really hot paramedics to my house.
I called out from the shower,
"Are you alright?"
No response. Eff.
Then I noticed I forgot to turn on the exhaust fan in the newly remodeled bathroom and that is strictly FORBIDDEN. I thought well maybe if he's okay he could turn that switch on for me. A little louder,
"Are you okay?"
Nothing. Eff.
I took my towel, it's on a convenient hook right outside the shower, my idea, that we put there when we remodeled, so I can just grab it and hardly have to open the shower curtain. I took my towel and lay it across the floor because I hate getting the rug wet, you forget as the day goes by and then you step on the wet spots and your socks get wet and I hate wet socks too.
Out of the shower, tip toeing on the towel, soap all over my face I flipped on the exhaust fan and opened the door and yelled,
"Are you alright damn it."
"I'm fine, just tripped. I ripped my sock."
"This is about me now. I'm dripping wet with soap on my face. Why didn't you answer me?"
"I didn't hear you."
I slammed the door and jumped back in the shower. I realized while putting my makeup on later that I did get the rug wet. So I had to drag my socks all the way to my bedroom to put them on and then my slippers, ensuring completely dry socks for the rest of the day.
So how was your morning?

Friday, November 15, 2013

7 things you don't know about me:

This is going around on Face Book. Since I refuse to conform, I took it upon myself to help it spiral out of control.
You are suppose to comment or 'like' someone's list and then they will Private Message you a number. Then you make your own list and so on and so on, yada, yada, yada.

Here are 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I invented the internet.
2. In 6th grade when Sister Helen smacked me in the back and called me a boob I thought it was a premonition of ‘things’ to come, her being a woman of God and all. Sadly I think she was just refraining from calling me a dip shit for holding up the line since I’m quite certain I can still wear the training bra I had on at the time.
3. I have an underground bunker for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, just finished it this past summer. It is in an undisclosed location. It is stocked with beef jerky, Spam, vodka, Tang, water and plenty of guns and ammo. Extra ammo to shoot the heads off the Zombies in case I’m seeing double at the time. And no, don’t even ask, the seats are all taken. Build your own.
4. I am in the witness protection program. That’s all I can say about that.
5. I have 3 Olympic Gold Medals in swimming, 100 metre freestyle, 400 metre individual medley and 200 metre backstroke. They are in a safety deposit box along with my Nobel Peace Prize.
6. I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
7. I have a mote in front of my house filled with frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads.