Thursday, December 30, 2010

Farvel Cargo's 10 Greatest Posts of 2010

Let me tell you, it was very hard to narrow them down to 10. What you should do is review the entire year of 2010, there are only 62 posts. That embarrasses me a little, I should have posted more.
But let's start the list:
These are in no particular order of greatness, that would take too much effort.
2.) Don't put Dad in a coma This one is my brother-in-laws favorite.
I based my list on 3 factors, my own valuable opinion, the comments the post received and the feedback from around my sister-in-laws dining room table.
8.) The Jury Duty Series
The list could not be complete without mention of the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude.
You have a lot of reading to do, you better get started.
Have a wonderful 2011!
Happy New Year and thank you for reading my blog.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I think I might detect a note of sarcasm

Since Ma and Pa refuse to own a computer they are missing a lot not being able to read my blog. So I copy and paste the posts and send them to their email machine. This seems to have made mother happy, now she can join in the blog conversation. Except she tells me not to use the word snot in my posts. Apparently snot mildly offends her. What really offends the hell out of her is when I use the word twat. So I stopped sending her my offensive posts that have the words snot and twat in them. Also my dad is still trying to figure out which side of the family Aunt Flo is from.
I have been lacks in sending posts to the email machine lately and when my Aunt and Uncle called they mentioned to mother how funny they thought this post was:
Shopping with mother and the two areas I must avoid to maintain my sanity.
Yikes, I guess I have to send that one over. Thirteen days later mother and I went Christmas shopping. "I want to go to Macy's."
"We'll go there first mom." It's her favorite store, she loves it.
We browsed, we consulted, we bought, we laughed, we discussed lunch, we heard, "Attention Macy's shoppers, spend $25.00 at our Lancome` counter and get a free gift."
"That's in the perfume section, isn't it honey?"
"So you read it then."
"Let's go to the lingerie section next."
I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I can tell when I'm being set up.
"Huh uh, I'm hungry, let's get lunch."
"You know I think you exaggerated some."
"Maybe, a little, but that's what humor is, right? You're not mad are you?"
"No," she says on the way to lunch, which I'm probably going to pay through the nose for. "Oh look, there's Victoria Secret. Want to go in there, that ought to be worth a couple paragraphs."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen the douche has left the building

Went to WalMart. WooHoo. Got a WalMart post.
First of all I knew there was a WalMart post brewing when I walked into the Exit door. WalMart post after WalMart post I've continually looked down upon the mindless shoppers that cannot or will not read the huge signs above the two big doors, "EXIT" and "ENTRANCE", creating pandemonium with every step they take. But today I walked up to the ENTRANCE and the door wouldn't open. "Huh?" I said to myself. "Did I lose weight?" I jumped up and down a little bit. The door didn't open and I looked like a WalMart idiot, then I walked in the EXIT door. Of course I got a look from a woman that is probably blogging about me right now.
With our second major snow event of the blessed holiday season breathing down our necks, ready to create havoc on my "only 14 shopping days left until Christmas" plans, it was necessary to stock up on provisions. We needed everything and if I wasn't going to be able to shop then I'd have to bake. I needed flour and nuts.
I meandered through the aisles, checking everything off my list, even "D". That's what I write on my list when I want to remember to buy douche, a four pack. By the time I got to the check out I started to wonder why I hadn't had my blogging epiphany yet. Was I just a pawn in the WalMart blogging world? Someone else's blogging fodder? And then it happened, oh it was a good one. I loaded my provisions onto the conveyor belt so my male cashier could "ring me up". As he swiped away, I unloaded, he bagged and I unloaded, it's suppose to be a big storm. I grabbed the box of "D" and the box broke open on the bottom. Huh. The young man continued to swipe my big snow storm provisions, oblivious to the embarrassing moment quickly approaching him on the conveyor belt. I carefully slid the box to the end and locked eyes with the woman behind me. She followed my eyes to the broken box. "How can I avoid certain embarrassed to that poor kid? How do I stop these douche bags from tumbling out all over the conveyor belt?" This, I had to whisper to her as she had her young son with her. Let me tell you she was no help at all as she tried desperately to suppress laughter.
The douche got closer.
Certain embarrassment for that poor kid, not me, I'm passed that stage, but him, I was sure he'd be scared for life if I didn't do something quick. Think, think......tape. I locked eyes again with the woman behind me and she came up with the same idea.....tape. Our eyes darted back and forth, up and down. There should be tape on display everywhere, it's Christmas, we have to wrap. No tape. Dear God there was no tape. Okay, here's what we'll do:
With the box in hand I said, "I'm going to swipe this open box for you and save you from the inevitable embarrassment, is that okay?"
"Yes, yes thank you."
Awkwardly I wrapped my arm around the register.
"Ma'am, you swiped it twice, let me just...."
"That's okay, I'll pay for it twice."
"No, just let me push this button and you swipe it again."
"Oh, okay."
I swiped and bagged in one felt swoop.
Ladies and Gentlemen the douche has left the building.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The bucket and the bell ringer

Is it just me or has anyone noticed that there is a bucket and a bell ringer at every store in America? Every drug store, every grocery store, WalMart, Target, Kohl's. I'm as charitable as the next person but I'm down about 10 bucks this blessed holiday season so far. I worry when I drive into a parking lot, break out into a cold sweat wondering if I have any singles in my wallet. It's affecting my every day life, "Wait! That's my last single, I need it for the bucket!"
Try explaining that to her at the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dudes fine establishment. If she goes to "ah Casino" for Thanksgiving how do I get the whole bucket and bell ringer concept across to her? She made it all to clear a few years ago, exact change is highly recommended. I tried to explain I needed my singles for the boys lunch money. She didn't care if my boys had lunch, why would she care about the down trodden and destitute? I'm frightened. I need to go to the bank.
I've started looking for stores without that red tripod with the red bucket dangling from it or better yet, sit in the parking lot and wait for the bell ringer to go on break, or sometimes you can see the tripod but the bucket is missing that's when you make a break for it. Run into the store during a terrible blizzard, bad weather chases away God's chosen ones, the people that give up hours of their day to stand out in the cold ringing a bell to get you to donate.
I'm a horrible person. I have to go check my wallet and make sure I have enough singles in there for when I go shopping tomorrow. Because I won't pass up a bucket without making my deposit. God bless the bell ringers. I think I'm going to hell, damn it.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here

And the snow continues to fall, documented information of the great snowfall of December, 2010 :
I took two vacation days on Dec. 6th and 7th to hang out with mother, you know, Christmas shop and to do lunch. Instead the snow began to fall Sunday and has not stopped. Mother and I, via a telephone conversation decided Monday to stay home, off the treacherous roads. Tuesday our AM conversation consisted of a little bit of swearing, she's the one that taught me how to swear but will deny it, bad mouthing Mother Nature and a general pissy attitude where we decided to try again Saturday.
"Saturday?" She said, "Why don't you just quit that job?"
"Then you'd have to pay for lunch mom."
"Oh, let's try Saturday then."
I stayed in the house all day Monday and all day Tuesday. So I feel I have a jump on cabin fever. See, I'm going to go crazy first. Being cooped up in the house for long periods of time seems appealing to you at first. You can get stuff done like, catch up on all the sitcoms you recorded over the fall and never got around to watching. Eat ice cream for lunch. Stay in your jammies all day or at least late in the day and just hurry up and get dressed before anyone gets home from work, that way the won't suspect you are on you way to going off the deep end sooner than usual. The trick is to keep crazy to yourself as long as possible, wait for everyone to catch up to you, because they will. It's a natural transition from our carefree 2, maybe 3 weeks of summer in Northeast, Ohio to Almost Winter, Winter and Still Winter. Once we all catch up to the same kind of crazy, we can start to climb the walls, throw on a pair of boots while still in our bathrobes to get the mail, flip off the snow plow that sends snow from the street back into your driveway you just got done shoveling, stop caring whether our hats, gloves and scarves match, hell as long as you have a left and right glove it really doesn't matter what color they are does it? Yeah we have some good times coming our way baby. Northeast, Ohio weather, yeah wonderful, really.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Don't mess with the lemon lady

Sitting in the Arby's parking lot eating my lunch, I came to the realization that it may be some time before I ever breath through my nose again.
I sit in my car to eat lunch instead of inside. Yes, it's 30 degrees outside and I will be forced indoors soon but I'm generally an antisocial person and I don't want to talk to anyone if possible.
During the blessed holiday season who in the name of Zeus's butt hole has the time to go to the doctor? My nose has been put on hold while I shop, bake, decorate, wrap and play FarmVille. Unless of course I get a bad cough, then I'm going in to get that wonderful cough medicine that makes you high.
I can watch people just as well in the parking lot as I can inside Arby's, it's a little cold out here though. Some lady just parked her car, got in another car with a man in it and they drove off. Hmmm.........
I mentioned in my last post, here if you don't feel like scrolling down a few inches, that I tried Breath Rite Extremes and they stretched my nose in such a way that air got in and out. It was wonderful and I thought, "I'm going to buy a case of these sticky little miracles." Until I tried to get it off my face.
I like to go into Arby's on the drive-thru side, park there and watch almost accidents. Because for some reason people rounding the drive-thru, paying for their value meals, grabbing their value meals, well they seem to forget that there are any other cars moving in the parking lot. It's a hoot to see them come out of the fast food coma when they almost hit another car, they're clueless.
Breath Rite Extremes have enough adhesive on them to rip off your entire nose if you're not careful. In the morning-ish, I looked at my fat nose in the mirror. The Breath Rite Extreme was trying to break free on it's own, the corners were popping up. I have to tell you, I really looked like hell. I decided to take the thing off but wanted to keep my skin, it was proving to be quite a challenge. Water? Yes water. Ever so slowly the damn thing came off and I had a red welt across my nose. Very attractive.
The other reason I park on the drive-thru side of Arby's is that inside the restaurant they have a big bell that you can clang if you receive good service. When you clang it, all the employees say, "Thank you!" It's cool. One time I didn't clang it on my way out because I had to wait for them to slice a lemon for my ice tea and I had to ask them twice for my cherry turnover. I'm there almost every Friday, they should have my lemon ready.
So I'm quite certain I won't be buying a case of Breath Rite Extremes. After my shower I checked out my face again, specifically my nose, "Is that a booger?" No, it's adhesive. Holy crap, I washed my face with Biore Facial Scrub and there are still traces of the damn Breath Rite Extreme. Get the hell out of here, I'll just get addicted to nasal spray.
Today when I ordered my Arby's lunch, they had lemon sliced, ready and now call me the lemon lady. Clang, clang, clang!