Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Spending the day with my horny teenager

"Your blood pressure is 132 over 82."
"Is that good?"
"It's a little high."
This is when my brain started knocking on the inside of my skull, snapping my head to attention and getting my nose out of an outdated magazine. I started to listen to the conversation Boy #3 was having with the cute, little medical assistant.
When the doctor came in I asked him about the blood pressure, he took it again and it was 118 over 70, huh.

"So, " I asked Boy #3 in the parking lot, "when the cute medical assistant...."
"She was hot."
"Yeah, when the hot medical assistant takes your blood pressure it's high and when the guy doctor takes it, it's normal?"
"Then what are we thinking here, the blood pressure cuff is some kind of Gaydar?"
"She was hot."

And this concludes the two posts I received while spending the day with my horny teenager.

Monday, June 29, 2009

How come all the hot girls are stupid?

Now I know people aren't this stupid and I know people say things and regret it, konk themselves on the head later and say, "Did I really say that?" So you have to give some people some slack. But if you say something that makes a blogger blow a blood vessel in her brain while trying to suppress uncontrollable laughter until she gets to the parking lot, it's gonna be blogged about. It pretty much has to be. Because if I sit on this conversation I had with a gas station cashier, let it just bounce around my head with no where to go, it might cause irreversible brain damage.
Conversation (Boy #3 is with me the whole time):

Cashier: Can I help you?
Me: Just these.
Cashier: That's $3.79.

Digging through my wallet, I find my money and a fist full of coffee cards.

Me: I think one of these cards is yours, is it this one?
Cashier: No.
Me: Huh, I thought this was the card for here.
Cashier, seriously, this is what she said: I can stamp it for you, I thought you were asking if it was mine personally.

At that time it was really a bad idea to make eye contact with Boy #3, but I did it anyway. And we really should have left the store immediately but I had to get my coffee card stamped. Sometimes if you raise your eyebrow really high and open your eyes really wide you can keep from laughing. And that's what I did.
Once in the parking lot though....... "Oh yeah this is your card, I've had it for a couple months now and thought you'd like it back."
"Why would she think you had her card? She doesn't even know you? How stupid was that?"
"Way stupid, Oh My God."
"How come all the hot girls are stupid?"
"Yeah, I saw you checking her out, don't bring stupid girls home to meet me okay? I'll come up with some kind of stupid girl test for you okay?"

Sunday, June 28, 2009

My Michael Jackson Post. Damn it Unfinished Rambler

I was perfectly happy to be the only blogger on the blogosphere to not post about Michael Jackson, really comfortable with that plan. Until I was innocently drinking my mocha, reading blogs, not even planning on posting today because I have baked beans to make and stopped by Unfinished Ramblers post about the King of Pop. I watched the video he posted and then another, and then another. I became hypnotized by the dancing. You can't watch that guys earlier years and not realize what a great entertainer he was. Yes, a lot of your attention goes to his nose and it's transformation over the years and yes, he grabs his pee pee more that an entire baseball team at the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, tie game, but he entertained the hell out of the world. It is too bad he's was a kookamonga.

Unfinished Rambler, I'm afraid you are the one that has to explain to my mom why the baked beans are not done for the cookout today, sorry. But it is kinda your fault.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

What the nuns couldn't teach me.........

I learned from School House Rock. When the nuns screaming, rulers and praying couldn't penetrate my thick skull, catchy tunes on Saturday mornings did. Thank God three is the magic number, it saved me a few times from being called a boob by Sister Helen.
My favorite catchy School House Rock tune is The Preamble. This is the song I use to get other songs out of my head. I gave this advice to poor Leigh over at Inside My Head (that might be the problem right there) when she posted the lyrics of a song she had stuck up there.

This didn't seem to work for her. I don't think she gave it enough time. A good two to three hours of School House Rock videos will knock anything out of your head and send you to sleep thinking of Learnin about the USA, hooking up words and phrases and clauses, Bills sitting on Capitol Hill going off to the White House and Mrs. Jones the lady on Hudson Street that sent her dog to bark at my brother and me. Give it more time Leigh! The reason I didn't post yesterday is because I got all caught up in adverbs, it's a word that modifies a verb you know. Take that Sister Helen.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

This way I don't have to listen to you

A lot of bloggers write open letters as a post, I've never done one but today I feel compelled to do so, my life a leisure hangs in the balance.
I must address all the mom's of small children at community pools. My homeowners association forbids me to put a pool in my yard, so you, your children and I have to mingle all summer. I've come up with a few guidelines for you to follow.

1.) Sun screen, believe it or not, this can be applied to the child at home. That way when you get to the pool they can jump right in and I won't have to listen to you telling little Johnny to stand still when you slather him up and I won't have to listen to him whine about how you got it in his eyes.

2.) Cell phones, there's over a 50% chance that your child will drip on it, because you're at a pool, that big cement pond filled with water. There's over a 50% chance your hair will get wet too, actually everything you bring to the pool can and will get wet eventually, so put them in a plastic bag or don't bring them, this way I don't have to listen to you yell at your children for something that is your fault.

3.) Water-wings are stupid. If people trust you enough to carry your child around on land with out a parachute then you should be trusted to hold them in a pool without dropping them. If they are older put them in a pool that they can touch the bottom and teach them to swim, water-wings give a kid a false sense of security, teach them to rely on themselves, this way I don't have to listen to you and your child whine about putting them on.

4.) The Ice Cream Truck. When it parks itself in the swimming pool parking lot, commit to either always buying an over priced popcycle or never buying an over priced popcycle. There is no middle ground when it comes to the ice cream truck, this way I don't have to listen to your child badger you for $3.00 continuously.

5.) Marco Polo, take your children home if they play this stupid, God-forsaken game.....please.

I, in turn, will try to be quiet while I read my book.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Huge Favor

"Honey, where are you right now?"
"I'm at WalMart." And a woman and her kids walked out the entrance when I got here so the record of the whole entrance/exit door confusion isn't broken yet. Every time I'm there they use the wrong doors, they can't read.
I was calling mom to see what my dad wanted for Father's Day. She knows what he wants, he doesn't.
"I was wondering if you would do me a huge favor." A huge favor to my mom is like picking up some dinner rolls because she forgot them.
"Sure, what do you need?" Already starting towards the bakery.
"Would you go to the Home and Garden Center and ask someone there if they have Gazing Ball Stands...............please?"

"Why the hell did I call you?"
"I have the Gazing Ball but I need the Gazing Ball Stand."
"You want me to go and ask a WalMart employee if they have a Gazing Ball Stand? Seriously, what is a Gazing Ball Stand?"
"They'll know what it is."
"Nooooo. They won't. I'll call you back."

WalMart Employee #1 was clueless and thought I was asking for Gazing Ball Sand. "Ball sand?"
"Hey, Nora do we have ball sand?"
"No, no. Gazing Ball Stand. Stand not sand."
"What's a Ball Stand?"

I called my mom back. "I just would like to thank you for sending me over there for a Ball Stand. I can never go back to that Garden Center, they probably have me under surveillance now. Are you laughing at me?"
All I heard was a snort.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Amish in their Natural Habitat

When we got sucked into the world of travel baseball we traveled. We traveled an hour and a half to play a seven inning game and then turned around and traveled an hour and a half back home - good times. The family knows I'm directionally challenged and they were afraid for me. The coaches soon found out the extent of my directional illness and exploited it. "I'm following you coach, don't loose me."
"Okay! Try to keep up."
I adapted and put as many of the ball players in my car as I could fit, that way if they lost me they wouldn't have enough players for the game. I specifically sought out the starting pitcher for that days game. And threw him in my car. I may not know which way to turn at the end of my driveway but I'm not retarded. Diesel, this is like number 4 or 5, is it working?
On our way home from one game out in farm country it was
just me and the baseball player, Boy #2. "You didn't notice this on the way out here because you were too busy changing my radio station and burping with your buddies, but we're driving through Amish country."
"The real Amish? Those are their houses? Are they having a barn raising? Is that a horse pulling a buggy? It is! It's on the road with the cars! Look there's some Amish people in their yard."
He bounced around the car, smooshing his
nose to the windows, taking it all in.
"You know you've seen Amish people before, they did our roof, remember?"
"Yeah, but I've never seen them in their natural habitat."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

When Grandpa Forgot His Teeth

When my boys were small my father-in-law use to take his teeth out to get them to giggle. I have more than a few pictures of him with a big toothless grin and a laughing grandson on his lap. The guy was as comfortable with his teeth out as he was with them in.
We were reminiscing through some old pictures one day and came across some of my sister-in-law's wedding photo's that I took. I remember the hustle and bustle that morning in the living room of my in-laws house, my sister-in-law fussing over her dress with my mother-in-law, pictures being snapped, the men folk outside smoking and discussing the car order to the church, my father-in-law walking down the hall without his teeth.
Yep, I was trying to keep Boy #1, the only one I had at the time, out of the way when I saw Dad walking down the hall adjusting his suit, he looked up at me and smiled, I smiled back and took his picture, then saved him. "Hey you look great, now go put your teeth in for the pictures."
"Oh! I forgot them." He was genuinely surprised.
We haven't seen that toothless grin in person since 1997, but when my boys found the picture they held it up and just inquired, "Mom?"
"That's the day Grandpa forgot his teeth."
Then they giggled.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I Think I'll Smoosh These Two Ideas Together

I have two ideas for a post running through my head, actually one good one and one YouTube video that I just didn't want to stick on my blog and call it a post. So here's what I came up with.
Last week I was linked in a post by The Dyer Boys, they listed 7 bloggers they enjoy reading, one of them is me! Thank you guys.
Being a middle aged mother of three I enter Doug and Phil's blog with some trepidation. Which brings me to the video I wanted to have on my blog. This is kind of how I feel when I visit The Dyer Boys. And I mean this in the nicest possible way.

The Dyer Boys post outrageously funny Top 5 Lists and posts like this one, I Swear, People. I read them, laugh, look around to see if anyone's looking and ask myself, "Should I think that's funny? They typed the word penis in their post, wait a minute, I did that once too. These guys are alright."
So I will continue to read The Dyer Boys and I suggest you stopped by for some laughs too. Just ease out of their blog slowly and you'll be alright.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Fine Line Between Road Construction and Mass Hysteria

Close one more road and I'm popping this SUV into 4-wheel drive and driving on them anyway. Hell, I'll start driving through my neighbors back yards. Getting from point A to point B is becoming increasingly difficult in my neighborhood. I deal with this detour everyday and will do so for the rest of the summer, because some "Powers That Be" decided we need a circle intersection instead of your basic plus sign kind. 50 feet away from that sign is more construction but they just work on it intermittently, when they feel like it, whenever they feel like stopping traffic altogether, whenever they think, "Hey, today would be a great day for a cluster f$&@." (erv, I'm not sending this post to mom and dad's email machine.)
Here's a thought - finish one road before you start another one. And how about calling before you dig, you know before you hit that gas line. I could see my house, but had to double back through the detour, through 3 different cities and around the back way into my development because some retard hit the gas line. I turned around and muttered to myself for about 2 miles before I realized I had a child (the good one) and a dog in that house that I could see from the hit gas line incident. I should have probably asked the nice officer that sent me packing if they were in any danger. Nah, I just call him and alarm him with useless information.
"Are you still sleeping? It's 2:00 pm are you just getting up?"
"I was playing video games all night."
"Oh, no way. That's not how this summer is going to go."
"I'm going to start leaving you a list of chores."
"Chores? What, are we living on a farm?"
"You are not going to sleep and play video games all summer."
"Did you fall back to sleep or has the house blown up?"
"There's a gas leak up at the corner, make sure my dog doesn't blow up."
"I love you too mom."

Friday, June 12, 2009

Apparently I'm anal about my perennials

The Project Manager aka the husband has taken on the responsibility of organizing a work force to clean up the yard. I am in charge of the flower beds that go around the house because apparently I'm anal about my perennials. That is only because there is not enough Weed Be Gone on the planet where the husband is concerned, he's spraying it everywhere. If it isn't grass he's killing it. I'm afraid to let the dog out.
When the husband takes on a project the boys scurry around like frightened mice, trying to find an exit plan. I've blogged about this before - here. So far they've been unsuccessful. They have the glamorous job of preparing the other flower beds for mulch.
"There's poison ivy in there you know."
"That's not poison ivy."
"Then rub it on your arm."
"It's not poison ivy." And he walked away.
Showing up the Project Manager is frowned upon and I'm hoping later in the board room I get fired.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm Lazy and I'm Outraged

The grocery store wants me to scan my own food, weigh my own produce and put it all in a bag myself? And the Italian Bread at the bakery is a dollar more than it was the last time I bought there? Hold on just one minute. It's an act of lunacy.
There were grocery store employees floating around helping us morons communicate with the machines they have been replaced with, but you know that won't last. They'll expect us to catch on to this modern age of grocery shopping. Haphazardly scanning our own Rice-a-Roni, with no-one there to listen when we say, "Did you scan that twice? I think you scanned that twice."
I saw a little old man wandering back and forth looking for a cashier, hopelessly lost, wondering how he was going to get his food home. And just as my heart strings were about to be stretched enough to take action (perhaps by standing on the grocery conveyor belt and screaming, "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore, waving my fist too) a grocery store employee/formerly cashier guided the man by his arm to a cash register and proceeded to scan everything for him, his store card, credit card, Ben-Gay and weighed his prunes. I, on the other hand, struggled with the technology on my own, pushed the wrong button and had to listen to the pleasant computer voice say, "Please wait for assistance, please wait for assistance, please wait for assistance."

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Can I have another car, I wrecked this one?

"Let me get this straight," says the husband. "You haven't been involved in a car accident in 18 years, and I love you for that, but today you decide to get in one when you're not even driving your own car?"
"Well, to be fair, one never really decides to get in an accident, sometimes your foot just misses the brake pedal. And I love you too."
"I can't get away from work, you're going to have to take that car to the dealership and tell them what happened, the truck isn't ready yet you know."
"I'll get another car, don't you think?"
"You might want to call someone to pick you up. And let me know how much this is going to cost us."

The good news is he still loves me after I wrecked a loaner car.
The bad news is the repairs are well over our deductible.

We wouldn't have had a loaner car if the repairs on our truck didn't take four working days and a weekend to get fixed. But the dealership is now government owned so what did we expect really. They gave me another car.

God bless the woman I rear-ended, nothing was wrong with her car and she didn't even want my name, number, insurance information and firstborn. Then again, maybe she felt guilty for talking on her cell phone and slamming on her brakes because she missed her turn.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

The Leather Ladies

"Don't stare, play on the swings."

16 years ago we moved into a lake community. Our various amenities included two beaches, two pools, boating docks, a couple playground. The main beach had a pool next to it and one of the playgrounds, a favorite hangout for moms with young children. You could spend the day there and then the kids would fall asleep as soon as their precious little heads hit the pillow. We spent a lot of time there. So did three old ladies. They would sit in their beach chairs at the waters edge for hours. Spreading tanning oil on their wrinkled skin. In their flowered, skirted bathing suits, with bright pink lipstick smeared on their faces. These three had fried themselves to the point beyond return, their skin resembled leather.
I haven't seen The Leather Ladies in years, one would have to assume they succumbed to skin cancer or spontaneous combustion. Raising my boys during those summer months became just a little bit easier because the The Leather Ladies.

"Stand still so I can put this sun screen on you. You don't want to look like The Leather Ladies do you?"

Friday, June 05, 2009

A Concentrated Cluster of Zits

That's kinda, sorta what the dermatologist was saying to Boy #3, but dermatologists refrain from saying zit. Boy #3 sat and listened intently as this guy began to explain the treatment for his concentrated cluster of, okay acne, on the back of his neck.

"Here's what I want you to do, I'm going to prescribe two acne washes, you'll switch off everyday, use this one first and be careful is has peroxide in it, it might bleach your hair, then use this one the next day, so you're switching back and forth with these, one day this one, one day the other one. Take these anti-inflammatories twice a day, but with food, they might make you nauseous. Then this topical cream, put it on after your shower, every day after you dry off. I'm going on vacation for two weeks so if you have any questions be sure to call me by the end of the week."

All this time he's directing most of the conversation to the teenage boy. And I have to say the teenage boy put on a good show. I know he stopped listening after he heard, "Here's what I want you to do." But I raised my boys to be polite and he maintained eye contact through the whole instruction speech. He even nodded his head a few times as if to convey a sense of understanding.
When the doctor left the exam room to get the nurse to bring in our fist full of prescriptions, Boy #3's facial expression changed, "I'm not doing all that."
"All what?"
"The $60.00 "specialist doctor" co-pay says you are. You know when you were four years old and had pink eye, I could have let you go blind in that eye, but no, I sat on you twice a day, had your brothers hold your arms and squeezed those drops in your eye. Don't make me call in the troops on this."

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Remember the time we got locked in the nursing home and you freaked out?

It was a few years ago but damn it was funny. Mother-in-law had hip replacement surgery and had to convalesce in a nursing home for 3 weeks. Boy #2 and I went to visit her the day she was put in. It was later in the evening because we had to go to a school thing first.
The two of us walked in, the door shut behind us and then we saw the sign informing us of the visiting hours.
"Huh, we're late. Maybe they'll let us in since it's her first day."
In the lobby we were alone in dim lighting, office doors closed, no receptionist and a hustle and bustle going on beyond the swinging hospital doors which were locked.
"Huh, there are nurses there but they don't see us, I guess we'll have to come back tomorrow."
Boy #2 went to the front door that wouldn't open. "It's locked? Mom, it's locked."
I had to try it too, yep locked. At that time the ominous hospital door handle started to jiggle, we slowly turned around like they do in a horror movie. The jiggling grew stronger and a feeble, boney hand slowly rose up to the window, it's fingers tapped, tapped, tapped. Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, tap, tap, tap. Boy #2 tried the door again with a renewed sense of urgency.
"One of us has to go to that door and get a nurses attention. And I'm pretty sure it has to me since you watch way too much TV and you've written us off already."
He sat on the couch and put his head in his hands.
"Look, there's a video camera monitoring us, wave your hands in front of it and get someones attention, I'll deal with death on the other side of this door."
He did as he was told, jumping up and down waving at the camera, mouthing the word HELP!
I went to the hospital door and slowly peered down through the window to find a little old lady in a wheel chair mouthing the word HELP. I asked her to get a nurse but she had a different agenda - escape.
Finally a nurse spotted me, she looked annoyed. "Visiting hours are over."
"We'll leave happily if you would just open the front door, it's locked, we're locked in."
She rattled off a security code and left. Oh there's a security key pad. Boy #2 and I stood in front of it, "What was that number again?" Fear had taken a strong hold on Boy #2 and he recited the number without hesitation.
"You can remember an eight digit number but can't remember to put you socks in the hamper?"

Monday, June 01, 2009

Damn That Rock in my Purse

Apparently the junk in my purse is worth a Citronella Reed Diffuser Kit. I'll never take those silly assed games at Bridal Showers lightly again. I tied for third place in the Bridal Shower Purse Game or more commonly known as Crap You Carry Needlessly Around 24/7 in Your Purse Game. Hand Sanitizer and Band Aids are worth 7 points each. I got 10 points for a Q-tip and 12 points for my library card. Huh. Those little sewing kits that no one ever uses but can never, ever be disgarded - 15 points. I think what put me in my tie for third was the rock, it was worth 20 points. Yes, I have a rock in my purse, I need that extra weight to make me miserable or it's a good luck rock, can't remember.
Now I have a
Citronella Reed Diffuser Kit to ward off mosquito's. Which is awesome except for the fact that I have no patio furniture to go with it. You know what this means don't you? We're going to have to turn into one of those families that spends time together outside instead of in front of the TV. I'll probably have to start drinking wine and entertaining the neighbors instead of drinking vodka and orange juice in front of the computer. If we're going to spend more time outside there will be more yard work, I might even have to start a garden. Damn that rock in my purse. If only I would have chosen the gift wrapped door prize that was square instead of rectangle. I'd have a beautiful Lady Bug Planter right now with no social implications.