Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Inter-Dimensional Rift Opening

It all started at the grocery store as far as I can tell. Every time I touched the shopping cart handle I received a small electric jolt, not unlike the kind of jolt you get when you scuffle along the carpet in your socks then touch your teenagers ear to get them to listen to you. But there was no carpet and I had shoes on, I kept getting shocked, so immediately I thought of The Mist, who wouldn't. I looked outside and there was only sunshine, I couldn't see any things out there....things. I haven't seen The Mist yet, it's sitting on my DVD player, but the boys said the ending is terrible and they were mad enough to throw the DVD after they watched it. I read the book so I can reference The Mist to my hearts content.

The next obvious thing to do was take a survey of the people in the grocery store, you know the ones I'll be trapped in there with, I decided to take my chances with the things. I filled my electrically charged shopping cart with some extra snacks in case I would have to wait out the inter-dimensional rift opening in my SUV. Thankfully I made it home without incident.

Now here's the thing, all week either I've been driving to and from work too fast or everyone on the road is driving to slow. It isn't like me to drive too fast and the odds of everyone on the road driving too slow are slim. The only logical explanation has to be that I was part of some secret government experiment or cover up. Or I watch too much TV.
I'm alright with the government experiment/cover up thing as long as I can eventually develop my powers for good and be able to shoot fire balls out of my hands........ oh and fly.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Wait. Wait One Minute. Wait a Minute.

Back in the day when the boys were young, I juggled Little League Baseball schedules while the husband worked nights. Practices had just started, Boy #1 and Boy #2 were involved and I dragged Boy #3 along, he was still too young to play. I thought I was handling thing pretty well until Boy #1 threw a wrench into the works.
I'm in the kitchen making dinner, "Mom? I need a cup."
"A cup of what? Dinner's almost ready you know."
Then there was a silence, we made eye contact. Words were chosen carefully.
"I need a cup for baseball."
He was 12 years old at the time, he was my sensitive one.
"Wait, a baseball cup for......... protecting stuff?"
"Yes, for practice tomorrow."
"Wait a minute, tomorrow? Dad's at work. We have to go tonight? I have to go tonight?"
The sensitive one looked worried.
"No problem, we'll eat, do homework and go. Where do we go?"
"You don't know?"
"I... just.... go get your brothers, tell them to wash their hands for dinner."

I was on the phone like white on rice to the husband.
"The hell? I have to buy a baseball cup for Boy #1, tonight for practice tomorrow. What store do they sell them at? What do they look like?"
"Just go to WalMart."
"Seriously, WalMart has them? I don't have to go to a special cup store?"
"Listen, go to the sporting goods section, you have to get an athletic supporter, "
"It holds the cup in place, the cup and get both in probably size youth large."
"Wait one minute. They come in sizes?"

At the dinner table I informed Boy #2 and Boy #3 we were going to WalMart and Boy #1 told them why.
"Oh," says Boy #2, "I need a cup too, if I want to be a catcher or I can just keep borrowing Alex's."
"Wait, you borrow someone's cup?" I was horrified.
"It stays in place when you squat."
"We're getting you one too, no more borrowing, please."
"Can I have a cup too." Boy #3, who was like 5 and had no idea what we were talking about but didn't want to be left out.
I looked at that face, "You aren't going to need one of those yet but we'll get you a Match Box car." His smile always lit up a room.
"Awwww.... wait a minute, I want a Match Box car too."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Sue and Bill's Wild Weekend Part 3: And This Will Be It Then

The uneventful vacations, the fun-filled, stress free vacations, are the ones the husband and I take alone. When we returned from our wild weekend, no-one had broken anyone else's arm, there was no throw-up in the back seat and the car didn't lose a door. We just came home and unpacked, with a lot less money, but we would have ended up spending it on the catastrophies that are our children anyway. I can't think of one vacation we've taken throughout the years that they didn't screw up in some way, we've been going about this vacation thing all wrong. We will be leaving them behind from now on.
Just in case my boys read this, "Mommy loves you!"


I have been roasted over at Confessions of a Reforming Geek or the husband has been, I think both of us. But Reforming Geek lumped me in with a couple of really good bloggers, Bee of Bee's Musings and Kirsten of The Soccer Mom Files, so I'm feeling pretty cool right now.
Thank you Reforming Geek!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Sue and Bill's Wild Weekend Part 2: Breakfast Is A Big Deal For Us

At 4:30 in the afternoon Friday, we stopped for breakfast. Because going out to breakfast is huge for us. Probably because we never eat it, ever, except for cereal. And then Saturday, we emerged from our hotel room at 1:00pm in search of a good breakfast again. Mingling with the locals and tourist, we arrived at the "we're having breakfast again" restaurant and past by a woman just outside the door licking something out of a little plastic cup. Both of us noticed and said nothing, but our eyes met and twinkled with anticipation. We love restaurants full of weird people.
I don't know if I had "Humor Blogger" written all over my face or they saw the white bungee cord sticking out of my purse and immediately labeled us "tourist", but the hostess stuck us in the back room by ourselves. I don't know how they expect us to learn their culture if they stick us in a back room. But then our waiter Johnny arrived. Huh. Imagine if you will a man say, 30 something, with a Moe from the Three Stooges hair cut, jet black hair, but cut uneven, an earring in each ear, very pale and too thin. He looked at us with pad and pen in hand like he was accustomed to getting the once over and was just waiting for us to get it out of our system so he could serve us breakfast. We said nothing.
We never did learn what we were suppose to lick out of the little plastic cups, but Johnny served up a good breakfast.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Sue and Bill's Wild Weekend Part 1: Gambling Away Our Kids Inheritance

The husband and I packed a suitcase and left for Wheeling, West Virginia Friday afternoon. WooHoo. I bought the kids a gallon of milk and said, "See ya Sunday and keep my dog alive."
We arrived at the casino Friday evening and were welcomed by that wonderful clanging, slot machine noise, I love that sound. Immediately I started to scope out the positioning of the bar to the nickle slots.
"Where are you going?"
"To find the vodka."
"Let's get our cards first dear."
A casino will issue you a Players Club Card that keeps track of your gambling, awards you points and sends you junk mail. We got in line.
"Ma am, would you like a bungee cord to clip to your card?"
"I can not begin to tell you how much I would like a bungee cord clipped to my card. Do I have a choice of colors?"
Now when I place my card in special "slot" in the slot machine, I will remain tethered to it. It will taunt me into sticking another $20 in it instead of leaving. I can also wander around the casino with a white bungee cord clipped to my shirt advertising the fact that I'm too retarded to remember my card in the slot machine.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Did They Just Have Sex?

Since the husband is the one with the big brain that willingly accepts the concept of Math, you know, he can figure out how much to tip a waitress without a tip calculator, well he got to see to it that we met the tax deadline last night and I watched Dancing With The Stars. Somebody had to do it and I love Dancing With The Stars, it's a star-studded extravaganza, so I watched and he calculated. Every once in awhile he would come out of the office, sit in his recliner, realize what was on TV and leave, muttering something about wanting to check a score. The Cleveland Cavs and the Cleveland Indians were both playing last night, but the husband was afraid to be seen watching girl TV. He has a reputation to uphold being the dad of three boys and, they would never let him hear the end of it.
He again returned to his recliner just when the last dance started, Julianne Hough and Chuck Wicks danced the Rumba. He sat quietly watching, I didn't even realize he was there because I was transfixed by the Rumba unfolding before my eyes. A full 5 seconds went by after the dance and then he turned to me and said, "Did they just have sex?"
"A little bit maybe. Do you want to watch it again? I can rewind."
"No. Get me a score."

I posted a video of the
Julianne Hough and Chuck Wicks Rumba on my other blog, View of Sue, if you want to see them make out.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

In Honor of the Jesus Hippies

With Jesus Christ Super Star's "What's the Buzz" firmly stuck in my head for about a week now, I decided to broaden my horizons and see if I could get the rest of the sound track in there as well. Scouring YouTube and watching short video's all week made me come to the realization that I needed to watch the whole movie, again. Yesterday on I did just that. With the entire sound track buzzing through my head I went to WalMart for my Easter shopping.
Yes, I felt compelled to buy the Tie Dye Easter Egg Coloring Kit in honor of the Jesus Hippies. Below I give you my before and after shots:

They all ended up purple and green, but I think the hippies would think they're far out. My fingers are also purple and green, that's not all coming of anytime soon. Look at them, I look like I just voted in Afghanistan.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

You're Making My Head Hurt

"I don't see why I need to learn algebra, it's not like I'm planning on being a algebratition or anything, it's retarded."
"You listen to me Boy #3, you jump through the public school systems hoops and get your diploma, you can only get so far in life fixing my computer, one of these days I might figure out all these thingamabobs, then where will you be?"

It's true the boy is invaluable when it comes to my computer. Last week I lost the sound on it, of course I realized the loss when I stopped in on Unfinished Rambler's blog. Lord knows you have to have sound when you stop there. So I clicked on his Jesus Christ Super Star, "What's the Buzz", YouTube video - no sound. Immediately I thought, "Huh, what's wrong with UR's blog?"
I had the option to totally ignore the video or go to YouTube to see if I had a problem. The option you see, to go through the weekend in ignorant bliss or find that song and firmly place it in my head, to randomly pop into my brain at any given moment.

"There's no sound on my computer, would you fix it?"
"Well did you .....different language,
different language, different language, different language."
"No, how to I do that?"
"Just go to ......different language,
different language, different language, different language."
"Can't you just do that, you're making my head hurt. And I see that look, don't think I don't see that look. This is a totally different situation, I already have my high school diploma. You need to know algebra for when you have kids of your own and they need help with algebra homework. See. I didn't pay attention and it cost me tutors for you. There's no way you can turn this around on me. Now fix mommy's computer so I can get a song stuck in my head."

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Sinus Pressure, A Mocha and What Kind of Math is That?

Leaving the house with a killer sinus headache is never a good idea, especially when there's math involved. Apparently, I managed to secure a place in the Special Olympics this afternoon according to the cashier at the gas station. I don't know what kind of math she was using, but I think her drawer is going to be a dollar short and it isn't my fault. I gave her every opportunity to see the error of her ways. Maybe just several opportunities, because she was making my brain hurt.

I have a 1 dollar winning lottery ticket in one hand (on my way to independent wealth) and a $1.29 mocha in the other. I cashed in my lottery ticket for another one, which cost a dollar. That would make me even with the lottery commission, wouldn't it? Win a dollar, use that dollar to purchase another one dollar ticket. This is where the communication broke down. Then there's my other hand holding the blessed liquid, my beloved mocha cappuccino. I already have my $1.29 out, but she told me I only owed her .29 cents. So I got that confused "I was never good in math" look. She explained again slowly, that I owed her .29 cents (I don't know the key strokes for the cents sign). My eyebrows crunched together, which really hurt. She gave me a look that conveyed the message, 'You're never going to get this, take your mocha and go, try not to hurt yourself on your way out.'

I decided right there that a mocha for .29 cent is going to taste good, my aching head told me to get out before the lottery police got there. Let the cashier deal with them. This post has taken a lot out of me, with all the rehashing, but did I get this wrong? Am I missing something because of the sinus pressure?