WalMart you big beautiful building of 7 kinds of crazy, nothing but love for you.

I sent the husband to the wild goose chase that is WalMart. He said he was going there to pick up something and asked if I wanted anything. He was expecting me to say milk or bread. Instead I rattled off a list that I was certain he would ignore and I would end up going myself. But since it was my birthday he told me that I better write it down. Huh?

Still unconvinced I began to write items on my list that where out of the ordinary. For instance coconut milk, I have developed a taste for it and was running low. Kale, who doesn’t enjoy a good kale and spinach smoothie? I put spinach on the list too. I told him to get himself some tangerines and of course we needed milk.

He told me he wandered the aisles for coconut milk, called me from the produce aisle and asked me what kale looked like. I then told him I forgot to put chocolate on the list. By the time he got to one of the 2 open check out lines he was frazzeled. It isn’t a good idea to be frazzeled before you get there because you damn sure are going to be once you’re standing in line. I’ve learned to just read a magazine while standing during incompetence. But the husband let’s the smoke come out of his ears and pops several blood vessels in his brain. Veins swell on his forehead and neck. Really if you’ve ever seen him in a WalMart line you would next expect him to transform into The Hulk. In fact I think he does turn a little bit green.

By the time he got home with everything on the list but kale he was wound up tighter than a drum. And with a new found appreciation for me since I do this chore once a week. You might think this was a little evil of me to send him out there, alone to the WalMart wolves but he was making fun of my age all day. I feel I was justified.

The voice inside my head

The voice inside my head was chatting me up today at WalMart. I think it's because of the flu Boy #2 so graciously bestowed upon me two days before Christmas. Not completely over the sinus infection and no time to go back to the doctor, I left myself vulnerable. But I'm still letting Boy #2 take all the blame. So with my brain floating around in snot, gently bopping against the walls of my skull it misfired quite a bit up and down those WalMart aisles.
I will try to remember what it was saying as I arrived and was desperately trying to contain it:

"No bell ringer today, gonna miss him."

"Thank you for walking in the clearly marked exit door. The record of some moron walking in or out of the wrong door remains intact."

"I need to go to the pharmaceutical aisle first. Maybe I can find a magical cure for the flu or just knock myself out with Nyquil shots."

"I shouldn't have left the house alone. I feel like hell and I just got here."

"Seriously? The whole family has to do the grocery shopping? Mom, dad and 2.5 children? They clog up the whole aisle. What do children contribute to grocery shopping besides annoyance?"

"What bra did I wear today? Why do the straps keep sliding off my shoulders?"

"Move out of the way, move your cart, move it now. I'm going to ram into it, I swear I will."

"Is my tea on the very bottom self?"

"Note to self: buy nothing on the bottom self today because standing back up makes you dizzy."

"I have to blow my nose."

"I can't believe mom found this little bottle of lavender scented hand sanitizer, I love lavender."

"Get out of my way."

"If you stop and text in front of something I want I'm going to give you a heavy sigh."

"These effing bra straps."

"I'm probably going to faint. Why is it so hot in here?"

"I will not sample whatever it is you are cooking in your little toaster oven, it smells bad. I'm avoiding eye contact and walking right by you."

"You haven't seen each other in years? That's wonderful, but would you find somewhere else to catch up? Preferably somewhere I'm not. You are hindering my progress along with the people that insist on bringing their entire family with them."

"This bra is coming off as soon as I get home. If I ever get home. I might not ever get home."

"Put your cart on one side of the aisle. Pick left or right, not the middle. The middle is stupid and you know that."

"Finally. They are getting rid of these Christmas decorations and putting up the Valentine's Day stuff."

"Get out of my way, damn it."

That is basically how my first venture out of the house since Christmas day went. By the time I got home I needed a nap and a shot of Nyquil.

The Inter-Dimensional Rift Opening

It all started at the grocery store as far as I can tell. Every time I touched the shopping cart handle I received a small electric jolt, not unlike the kind of jolt you get when you scuffle along the carpet in your socks then touch your teenagers ear to get them to listen to you. But there was no carpet and I had shoes on, I kept getting shocked, so immediately I thought of The Mist, who wouldn't. I looked outside and there was only sunshine, I couldn't see any things out there....things. I haven't seen The Mist yet, it's sitting on my DVD player, but the boys said the ending is terrible and they were mad enough to throw the DVD after they watched it. I read the book so I can reference The Mist to my hearts content.

The next obvious thing to do was take a survey of the people in the grocery store, you know the ones I'll be trapped in there with, I decided to take my chances with the things. I filled my electrically charged shopping cart with some extra snacks in case I would have to wait out the inter-dimensional rift opening in my SUV. Thankfully I made it home without incident.

Now here's the thing, all week either I've been driving to and from work too fast or everyone on the road is driving to slow. It isn't like me to drive too fast and the odds of everyone on the road driving too slow are slim. The only logical explanation has to be that I was part of some secret government experiment or cover up. Or I watch too much TV.
I'm alright with the government experiment/cover up thing as long as I can eventually develop my powers for good and be able to shoot fire balls out of my hands........ oh and fly.

Don't Do Anything Stupid

When they veer away from me I say, "Don't do anything stupid." It's a natural instinct of a mother with three boys. About 7, maybe 8 years ago I said this to Boy #2, 11 at the time. We, the boys and I were Christmas shopping, all day. We had two more stops, the first was a pit stop at the grocery store and to buy the noodles I had forgotten the last time I was there. Boy #3, the one who remains totally innocent throughout this entire story, came into the store with me. I left the rotten ones in the car. When we emerged from the facilities Boy #2 changed his mind, he had to go, and there he was.
"You go, wash your hands, then go right back to the car. And hey, look at me. Don't do anything stupid."
There it was, it was very brief, but I have training in this type of situation. I saw something in that kids eyes, but I couldn't prove it. He went into the bathroom, I grabbed Boy #3 by the hand and took off to the noodle aisle with a renewed sense of urgency.
"Did you see that? I saw something. I know I did. Or am I just in a holiday craze?"
While I muttered my way through the crowded aisles, Boy #2 put his plan into action. Oh it was a beautiful plan........
Stealthily move throughout the parking lot, hiding in between cars, hunched over like you're up to no good. Never mind who might see you, the mission, should he choose to accept it, scare the bat crap out of his older brother, Boy #1, who had locked all the car doors so Boy #2 couldn't get back in.
My angel and I came out of the store and took off running to the car, it was cold and he wanted to race me. We arrived to find Boy #2 trying to get in the car and Boy #1 laughing at him.
"Open the door!"
We got in and took off to our next stop, across the street to Gander Mountain for Papa's present. I can see now why we looked suspicious. We made it to the parking lot and half way to the store doors when the first police car stopped us, followed by three more police cars, which surrounded us.
"Ma'am, a young boy fitting this boys description was seen braking into cars in the parking lot across the street."
"Wha? Officer I can assure you my boys would never brake into a car."
"Ma'am, I'm sure you believe that, but we just got a report from Best Cuts that a boy in a light blue North Carolina jacket was trying to brake into a white van."
I looked at Boy #2 in his light blue North Carolina jacket.
"I....... I just....... I was just.... I didn't........ he locked me out of the car."
"Shut uuuuupp."
"I didn't try to brake into a white van I just leaned on it, he locked me out of the car mom."
"Mom? Are we going to jail?" This is from Boy #3, who at the very moment became my favorite.
"Ma'am can I see some identification please?"
Apparently I have a clean record, the officer started communicating with yet another officer across the street who was in turn communicating with our accusers. Maybe they really didn't see him actually "try" to brake in the white van. The officer explained to me that there have been a lot of "incidents" in that parking lot during the holidays and they were being cautious.
"Sorry."
The police cars drove away leaving us standing in the middle of the parking lot, stunned.
"Well we're already here, let's go get Papa's present."
Funny how being surrounded by police brings you quite a bit of unwanted attention. We had assembled a small crowd of onlookers and the management in Gander Mountain thought it would be a good idea to have security follow our every move. We ended up buying a gift card to let Papa come back and shop for himself because, we're never going back there.
In the car I said to my boys, "So, I need to be more specific when I say 'Don't Do Anything Stupid'...huh?"

And The Tantrum Ensued

I'd like to thank the three snot-nosed children behind me at the Wal-Mart checkout for inspiring this post. Along with their clueless parents of course. With the shopping cart separating us, I loaded my bags. Keeping a sharp eye on the little darlings, hoping they would keep their grimy little hands off my stuff.
Having three children myself I know that four hands against six never ends well. That is why I always grocery shopped alone. Grocery shopping is a chore, not a family outing. One able bodied parent is all you need to complete the task. It always amazed me that an entire family would venture out to do this weekly chore. Everyone gets done faster if you leave them at home, everyone. A family of five blocks an aisle, keeping me from progressing towards my goal - being done. Inevitable temper tantrums block aisles also. When they get loose, they hinder your progress by running in front of your squeaky shopping cart.
These three children managed to keep their booger laced fingers off my groceries and toiletries, they had more interest in the impulse buying items to the left and right of them. Their mother explained that they had Halloween buckets of candy at home, but this logic failed to register and the tantrum ensued.