Fire Sale!

Or just FIRE! My WalMart was on fire. I had just started shopping when I saw smoke. I thought to myself,
"WalMart you never disappoint. You big beautiful building of 7 kinds of crazy."
I walked towards the smoke because I'm nosy and a blogger. I found myself in the Men's section with three blue vested, name tag wearing, WalMart employees wielding fire extinguishers. They had a pair of smouldering men's shorts surrounded.
I observed the situation and asked,
"Are we going to be evacuated?"
"Oh no." Said one of WalMart's finest. And she waved her hand back and forth to clear the smoke,
"The fire's out."
Thank God, with my inside voice.
I've been looking for toe rings every week for about a month, finally find them and I wasn't going to leave them in my shopping cart for a pair of burning shorts. The middle of June and they finally set up the toe ring display. I've been wearing flip flops without toe rings for a month. Any body that knows me, knows that's not me.
All this time I've spent on planet Earth I have never seen a fire extinguisher used except on TV. It's isn't the same in real life. I think they put shaving cream in the TV prop fire extinguishers. The real life ones sprayed out a yellowie mist that added to the smoke. Once I started to feel woozie I decided to leave, I had enough material and a good story.
So if anyone is looking for a pair or two of men's shorts, they might be on sale soon. Just a little charbroiled with a hint of a bonfire smell.

How are the brakes?

Not so long ago in the recent past I over heard Boy #3 and the husband talking about the brakes on my car and how they needed replaced. Huh. I was not aware of a problem and I spoke up about it.
"New brakes? Why?"
"Don't you hear that noise when you drive it mom?"
"Noise? What noise?"
"The grinding noise."
"I guess I have my radio turned up a little too loud because I don't know what you're talking about."
"Jesus." Said the husband.
"We haven't had that car long enough for it to need new brakes, have we?"
"It's a 2009."
"Really? We've had it that long? That's how many years?"
"Several."
Apparently after several years a car needs a brake job and while they were at it Boy #2 brought his truck over and did his brakes too.

 

They did my car first then sat it in the driveway to go on to Boy #2's truck. I needed to go on my weekly rendezvous with the WalMart people so I hopped in my car and left. They watched me pull out of the driveway with interest.

I was unwittingly taking my car and it's new brake job on a test drive. When I returned I was asked,

"How are the brakes?"

"Uhhh good I guess. You guys fixed them right?"

"We were pretty sure."

Because I'm a dork

I had on my Arrested Development t-shirt while shopping today. On it says, "There is always money in the banana stand." I loved that show, have been watching the repeats, somehow trying to see season 4 but I don't have Netflix. Boy #1 and daughter-in-law #1 bought the t-shirt for my birthday. Yay.
Let's get back to WalMart, sorry. I'm wearing the t-shirt, we've established that but it's an important part of the story. I find myself in the produce section. I look over the bananas and place a small bunch in my shopping cart. I look at the bananas. I look at my t-shirt. I look at the banana display. I repeated this several time before I say, "How ironic."
I started to linger at the Banana Stand. Do I ask a complete stranger to take my picture? How about this employee stocking onions? I knew I would kick myself if I didn't get a picture. I decided if I saw someone I knew then the stars have aligned, the moon was in the seventh house and I was meant to have my picture taken in WalMart, with my Banana Stand t-shirt, next to the banana display.

As soon as I made that decision I started on my way to the check out and there she was, Sarah. A young lady my kids went to school with, a poor unsuspecting kid that was going to take my picture with a pile of bananas. I just sort of lead her away from whatever she was doing and explained to her not to worry, I do this all the time. Because I'm a dork. I also looked for the scene on You Tube, but couldn't find the entire one and didn't feel like looking real hard.  Thank you Sarah! I have a new essay published in Imperfect Parent. Very exciting. I you could please click the link and then click their little Face Book icon so they think I'm popular. I would really appreciate it. Here!

WalMart you big beautiful building of 7 kinds of crazy, nothing but love for you.

I sent the husband to the wild goose chase that is WalMart. He said he was going there to pick up something and asked if I wanted anything. He was expecting me to say milk or bread. Instead I rattled off a list that I was certain he would ignore and I would end up going myself. But since it was my birthday he told me that I better write it down. Huh?

Still unconvinced I began to write items on my list that where out of the ordinary. For instance coconut milk, I have developed a taste for it and was running low. Kale, who doesn’t enjoy a good kale and spinach smoothie? I put spinach on the list too. I told him to get himself some tangerines and of course we needed milk.

He told me he wandered the aisles for coconut milk, called me from the produce aisle and asked me what kale looked like. I then told him I forgot to put chocolate on the list. By the time he got to one of the 2 open check out lines he was frazzeled. It isn’t a good idea to be frazzeled before you get there because you damn sure are going to be once you’re standing in line. I’ve learned to just read a magazine while standing during incompetence. But the husband let’s the smoke come out of his ears and pops several blood vessels in his brain. Veins swell on his forehead and neck. Really if you’ve ever seen him in a WalMart line you would next expect him to transform into The Hulk. In fact I think he does turn a little bit green.

By the time he got home with everything on the list but kale he was wound up tighter than a drum. And with a new found appreciation for me since I do this chore once a week. You might think this was a little evil of me to send him out there, alone to the WalMart wolves but he was making fun of my age all day. I feel I was justified.

The home of the strange and the land of the weird

There are times when I need to leave the safe confines of my neighborhood to find inspiration for a blog post. WalMart. But not in the last couple weeks. Seven kinds of crazy have been wandering around in bathrobes, mailboxes have been flying through the air and now people are walking canoes down the street. I love my neighborhood and all the kookamongas that live here.

We live in a lake community so it isn't really, really weird to see people taking a canoe for a walk it's just that they are going in the opposite direction of the shore. I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this type of behavior and I've seen stranger things walk down my side of the street, but who wouldn't take a picture of this?

And then make fun of it?

Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.

Finally I got to watch Zombieland. This is kind of, sort of a movie review and has no business being on the is blog. But only 2 people read this one, so I'm thinking even less read View of Sue, I haven't posted there since May.
But I have an unhealthy fixation on Zombies and feel compelled to warn the world or the 2 people that read my blog, of impending doom.
Since I don't believe in coincidences, my frightful weekly trip to WalMart has lead me to the realization that we haven't much time. Learn these rules and know them well:

1. Cardio
2. Double tap
3. Beware of bathrooms
4. Wear seatbelts
6. Cast iron skillet
7. Travel light
8. Get a kickass partner
12. Bounty paper towels
15. Bowling Ball
17. Don't be a hero
18. Limber up
21. Avoid strip clubs
22. When in doubt, know your way out
29. The buddy system
31. Check the back seat
32. Enjoy the little things

I do know how to count to 10, this is a list from a Zombieland website. The character, Columbus has a list of zombie survival rules he came up with that helped him survive the zombie apocalypse hence becoming one of the very few survivors in America. Not all rules were mentioned, these are the ones that were.
Woody Harrelson plays Tallahassee and this is where I got spooked. Tallahassee is in search of a Twinkie, throughout the whole movie he's looking for the last Twinkie in America. The rest of the world is just not mentioned in this movie. They are either going through their own zombie apocalypse, continent by continent or the good ol' U.S. of A is on their own as usual.
Let's get back to the Twinkie. I finally get these boys of mine to watch Zombieland with me after we got rid of the husband for the night. He had to work late but refuses to watch Zombie movies, he's going to be the first to fall prey I fear. I thought it would be funny to buy a box of Twinkies while shopping today. Aisle after aisle I filled my shopping cart with the essentials, bread, milk, Pepsi, a head of lettuce, dog treats, Peach Daiquiri with alcohol in it that you just freeze and enjoy, cheese, hamburgers, and the list goes on for a weeks worth of food. All the while keeping an eye open for Twinkies. I doubled back and back again, "Where's the effing Twinkies?"
I've come to the conclusion that people are stock piling Twinkies, coincidence, I think not.
This is Reminderville, Ohio saying good night.

Bringing funny back

I think I got it back. I emerged out of my hermit-like existence today, if only for an hour, but out of the house and away from my computers. Thank you Harry for the link, it helped more than you will know. Things drop in your lap when you need them, this I steadfastly live by because they are the gentle nudges towards your path in life.

Less than a week of being jobless and I expected the money to come pouring in, patients my precious. Yes, I've already begun to talk to myself, but just one extra voice in my head and I think that one has always been there anyway.

My joblessness is explained here on http://www.skirt.com/. FaceBook had a reminder on my wall to fill in my place of employment, so today I filled it in. Unpublished Freelance Writer and I made myself the President/CEO.

While I write I've also decided to get back into eBay, so anything that has dust on it around here is getting listed. I also have those T-Shirts I made but I'm having trouble with the link where you can vote for it. I'll be working on that. Ebay and the T-Shirts are on the left column of this blog.

My list of writing pieces is growing. The next one to write is, honest to God, hand on the bible, when I was ask for my ID at WalMart. I was innocently buying a sinfully delicious Peach Daiquiri frozen slush mix, which reminds me I have to go buy a case of them, and the young man ringing me up asked for my ID. And he was serious, really. I pretended to be hard of hearing so he had to say it again, louder.

And the family rejoiced

"Mom?"

What's this? I sense fear. Twenty-four years of mom training under my belt, I can sense the trepidation in Boy #3's voice. Hmmmm..... let's see where this goes.

"Yes?"

"Ummm... wha.... what's for dinner?"

"Not turkey."

And he smiled, a smile like the old days, like when he heard the ice cream truck down the road. His eyes lit up like two bright stars in the midnight sky. Relief fell over him in a gentle wave of happiness.

This could be my fault, I did make a 20 pound turkey for five people. I thought it was excellent planning on my part. I had a sick husband in the house, the reason I had to cook by the way, I had a major head cold brewing around my brain and for God's sake a four day weekend to enjoy. And enjoy it we did. I got to take Nyquil.

"I'm going to WalMart for more tissues" I said to the husband, "Will you be okay?"

"I'm hungry."

"Make a turkey sandwich."

"Mom, I'm hungry."

"Make a turkey sandwich, I have to irrigate my nasal passages." And then take a nap.

I had apple pie for breakfast Saturday morning. Was it morning? It was my first meal of the day so I guess it was breakfast. The husband was popping aspirin like candy and was walking around the house wrapped in an old comforter from one of the boys beds, it had footballs on it.

At WalMart I grabbed a variety of cold and flu remedies. One, not pictured, was Breath Rite Extremes. I followed the instructions on the sample box, large strip on the bottom, small strip on top. Yes, there were two strips because they are Extremes. With the Breath Rite properly placed I looked in the mirror, my nose had grown twice it's size and air was getting in there. With my enlarged nose and Nyquil, I settled in for a long winters nap. I'm just going to sleep this off. Except the snot had other plans and today, has unleashed holy hell on my sinus cavity, I have to carry a box of tissues with me where ever I go. I could have easily dragged out the leftovers after work, but that would have been pushing it. Pushing it to the Extremes.

The husband came home and asked, "What's for dinner?" No fear in his voice, his filter is screwed up because of the flu.

"Not turkey."

"Thank God!"

GloBalls

Nothing snaps you back into the land of the living faster than spotting a box of GloBalls. Holy Crap. Six individually wrapped coconut and marshmallow covered chocolate cakes with creamy filling. GloBalls.

With a team of doctors working 'round the clock to fix my hormones, I try to go about my weekend without passing out. Wheeling my shopping cart up and down each aisle at the WalMarts, I know I'll get home forgetting more than I remembered. Like for instance bread, yes I forgot bread. It's a simple item, one that you pick up without even thinking each week. But if it's in the same aisle as a box of GloBalls and your brain cells are under the influence of pain medication.................... bread? What is bread? For $2.50 I can own a box of these delicious green coconut GloBalls. I'm so going to the hostess cakes website because now I have to have a Justice League green ring. Who is that green super hero? On the back of the box there is Superman, Batman, a red guy and a green guy. I think the red guy is The Flash. When did this Justice League form, I have no memory of them, then again I can't remember bread............

Try to keep up!

"It's a ten year old car, stuff breaks." This said by me to Boy #3 who is slightly freaked out that his rear-view mirror is dangling from his windshield.
"I think they sell a special glue just for rear-view mirrors, pretty sure, yeah they do, let me call your father."
Yeah they do.
Since we were heading to the WalMarts anyway, we stuck that on our list. Along with "stuff to eat and drink after 4 wisdom teeth are surgically removed" and Pepsi. We went straight to the automotive section for the glue first, but along the way I grabbed three 2 liter bottles of Pepsi. "Why didn't we get a cart, we just walked right past them?"
"Here's the glue aisle." Most of the time he just ignores me or he thinks I'm talking to myself, because I do that.
We glanced over the array of glues. "I'm going to go ask that car guy over there if he knows about special rear-view mirror glue, you continue to look." Really, I'm not going to spend anymore time in the automotive section than I have to.
"Can I help you ma'am?" What a nice guy.
"Yes, do you have special glue for rear-view mirrors that fall off the windshield?"
"Yes, let me show you." And we walked back to Boy #3 just chatting away like we were best friends. "I saw some of that glue yesterday, I hope we're not out of it." he said. "You know it has a funny name, maybe that's why you can't find it."
"Really?"
"Yep, you'll laugh when you see it."
We met up with Boy #3, he was still perusing the glues.
The car guy says, "Ah, we still have some, see here, isn't that a funny name?"

REAR-VIEW MIRROR ADHESIVE

We all had a good laugh. "I can't believe we didn't see that."
"Either can I, hey I got a joke for you."
Two jokes later Boy #3 and I broke away from the WalMart comedian and headed off to the Popsicle aisle.
"I should tell you the joke Grama told your dad and me."
"Grama?" He looked worried, and for good reason.
"It's not that bad."
"Here's the Popsicles."

So there's this little girl and she has her dog on a leash ready to take it for a walk.

"What kind do you want?"
"Grape."
"Grape? They don't sell just grape, they have grape with orange and cherry."
"I'll just eat the grape ones."

So this little girl, she asks her mom if she can take the dog for a walk and the mom says, no she's in heat.

"What else do you want? You need cold stuff because your throat will hurt too, these will really help. Oh the red, white and blue bomb pops. I love those."
"I don't like those, I want fudgesicles."

So she says the dogs in heat you can't take her for a walk and the little girl pouts and insists on taking the dog for a walk.

"Not those, they're fat free. You need all the calories you can get. No, those are sugar free."
"Just for get it. I don't need fudgesicles."
"Would you just wait a minute, I know there are regular sugar filled fudgesicles here somewhere. Fine, just walk away, we have to get your dad's pop, go to the pop aisle."

So the mom says to the little girl, go ask your father. The little girl finds her father in the garage and says she wants to take the dog for a walk. She's in heat honey you can't take her for a walk. But he looks at her sad face and says wait a minute. He gets a rag, pours a little gasoline on it, rubs it on the dogs ass and says there, you take her around the block once, just once, okay?

Boy #3 and I now have six 2 liter bottles in our arms and a box of Popsicles and I say, "We should get Gatorade."
"Mom."
"What?"
"I just want to go."
"Where is this coming from? We were just laughing with the car guy and now your popping an attitude."
"Can I just say something?"
Oh, he's jumping up on his soapbox. I looked around and we were the only one's in the Gatorade aisle. Both of us with our arms full, why didn't I get a shopping cart? "Go ahead."
"Why do I have to suffer because people can't put their forks down? Everything is fat free or sugar free. I want a fudgesicle full of sugar." This is coming from a kid who, with a darker tan and a distended stomach, would look like a starving Ethiopian child.

Okay so the little girl takes her dog for the walk. She comes back to the garage alone. Uhh, honey, where's the dog? Oh daddy, she ran out of gas about half way around the block so another dog is pushing her home.

WalMart's making me retarded, big surprise

It's the out the entrance, in the exit thing again. Seriously people, the doors are clearly marked with an EXIT sign and an ENTRANCE sign. They use capital letters and everything. When I'm pushing my shopping cart full of provisions and trying not to slosh my mocha, because losing any of that precious liquid would be a crime, get the hell out of my way. Today on my way out, the EXIT, I had to wait for a steady stream of people to enter the exit. I put on my best very aggrevated face and kept glancing at the EXIT sign. None of the retards caught on.
Then I got my chance to leave, finally. I grabbed my keys and started for my car. I'm so blogging about these morons when I get home.
Pretty sure my car was up this row.
Can't these people read?
Maybe if I use my key chain button I can hear my car beep.
It's common sense, one door is in and one door is out.
I hear faint beep, where is that coming from?
I guess I should be use to it by now.
I'll lift my hand in the air and push the button several times.
It happens every time I'm hear, which is, I hate to say, more than once a week.
Where the hell is it?
I forget stuff I need and have to make a return trip.
That beep is coming from the left.
"Ma'am, your car is over there."
"Thanks." Oh God.


That guy is probably blogging about the Walmart retard wandering around the parking lot pushing her cart, holding her mocha and frantically pressing her key chain button in every direction because she can't find her car.

The Huge Favor

"Honey, where are you right now?"
"I'm at WalMart." And a woman and her kids walked out the entrance when I got here so the record of the whole entrance/exit door confusion isn't broken yet. Every time I'm there they use the wrong doors, they can't read.
I was calling mom to see what my dad wanted for Father's Day. She knows what he wants, he doesn't.
"I was wondering if you would do me a huge favor." A huge favor to my mom is like picking up some dinner rolls because she forgot them.
"Sure, what do you need?" Already starting towards the bakery.
"Would you go to the Home and Garden Center and ask someone there if they have Gazing Ball Stands...............please?"

"Why the hell did I call you?"
"I have the Gazing Ball but I need the Gazing Ball Stand."
"You want me to go and ask a WalMart employee if they have a Gazing Ball Stand? Seriously, what is a Gazing Ball Stand?"
"They'll know what it is."
"Nooooo. They won't. I'll call you back."

WalMart Employee #1 was clueless and thought I was asking for Gazing Ball Sand. "Ball sand?"
"No."
"Hey, Nora do we have ball sand?"
"No, no. Gazing Ball Stand. Stand not sand."
"What's a Ball Stand?"

I called my mom back. "I just would like to thank you for sending me over there for a Ball Stand. I can never go back to that Garden Center, they probably have me under surveillance now. Are you laughing at me?"
All I heard was a snort.

Hangin' With The Weird

When I go days without a blogging idea I re-evaluated my life and then go to WalMart. Sometimes I clutter my mind with raising teenagers, paying bills and laundry, important stuff I suppose, but they get in the way of my humor brain cells. So I cleared my mind and took the checkbook to WalMart, we had a great time. Every single visit I'm greeted with someone walking out the entrance and walking in the exit and that always puts a smile on my face. The doors are clearly marked but WalMart shoppers have no time for readin' and stuff. There's a freakin' clearance sale going on right down the middle of the store for God's sake. I got a bath towel for $3.00.
On my way out I successfully avoided the Girl Scouts selling their cookies and navigated my way to the SUV, it was surrounded by shopping carts. I guess the few extra feet to the shopping cart holding bin was just to much for some. So I had a extra errand, round up the shopping carts. Those WalMart shopping cart rustlers make shopping cart rustling look easy. Steering three carts at once is an acquired skill, one that I'm lacking. But I managed to swing them over to the appropriate employee, feeling pretty proud of myself too. He never looked up or acknowledged my presence. Huh. Maybe I was doing a better job shopping cart rustling than I thought and he felt threatened. Or maybe he's just weird.

The Adventure That Is WalMart

For those of you who have never experienced a "big snow" like we Northerner's just experienced, I thought I'd paint you a picture. Imagine a parking lot if you will, say WalMart. When a foot of snow dumps on an area like a parking lot, it's only logical that the establishment plows the snow away to avoid chaos. There has been some plowing in that parking lot, I'll give them that, but not a whole hell of a lot. When every other car you see has spinning tires, some more plowing should be done. This is how I felt as I drove into WalMarts parking lot, there are other stores in that shopping area, but I'm just blaming it on WalMart.
I drove my four-wheel drive SUV into the parking lot,
"What the &%$@? Don't they know what a &$@$*%# plow is for? Are they total A$$&$@%'s?"
That's how I sound when I'm in my car by myself! It's a great stress reliever, to swear like a drunken sailor.
After my profanity laced outburst, I laughed a little laugh. I have four wheel drive, what the hell do I care. Four wheel drive vehicles make you cocky. So already I'm cocky and self assured, a dangerous combination when it's the end of the week and so few precious brain cells are active. I got the brain cells, it's just that at the end of the week, starting my lazy weekends, I put some of them to sleep. Why clutter your head with rational thoughts when it's not really necessary? Well I'll tell you why. Because shopping carts don't have four wheel drive. Cocky and self assurance went out the window while I pulled my shopping cart inch by inch through the un-plowed, snow covered, adventure that is WalMart.

The Carcass in the Driveway

You have to wonder what's got to happen to a chipmunk that it would just keel over dead in your driveway. The possibilities are endless but I've narrowed it down to two that are not necessarily correct but amusing.
Heart attack? Did it's heart finally give out after digging too many holes in my flower beds? Or with my active imagination and the fact that I watch way too much television, did someone put it there? You know with a Luca Brasi swims with the the fishes kind of warning. Does a dead chipmunk have some sort of meaning in the world of organized crime?
Now to the matter at hand, I never have and never will take an active part in dead animal disposal. With three boys and a husband I shouldn't have to. So when Boy #3 informed me of the chipmunk carcass in the driveway I said, "Ewwwwwwww."
Then, "How are you going to handle this honey?"
He settled on a triple WalMart bag, the dogs pooper scooper, duct tape and rubber bands. That dead chipmunk isn't going anywhere.

Excuse Me? Where's The Midol?

Is it just me? Can WalMart make it a little easier to find the Midol? I had a long list when I walked into WalMart yesterday, but the first thing on it was Midol. I couldn't find it. My aggravation level grew at an alarming rate. Chocolate was going to be piled high in that cart later. Frustrated and ready to ask just about anyone the where abouts of the Midol, I heard the pharmacy chain-link garage door going down. Dear God they're closing and the knowledge I sought, closing with them.
"Excuse me? Hello?" I waved my hand grasping for someone to notice me. I grabbed the attention of a woman and yelled, "Where's the Midol?" And didn't care who heard me. She actually came out of the chain-link pharmacy cage and took me to my relief. On the bottom shelf for goodness sakes!

What a Busy Day

What a busy day! I had to drive around in the snow to make sure I stocked the fridge and get some bills paid. Just now, I’m starting to dig out from under the Christmas bills. It’s my own fault, I found so many deals from the Black Friday ads that I went overboard, just a little.

I had to get a job. I received an email when the latest Black Friday ads were posted and shopped online until my fingers were soar. All I had to do was submit my email address at their site and I received the ads for the Friday after Thanksgiving sales. The Friday after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday, an ominous sounding day for a full frenzy of shopping. Looking for parking spaces, fighting crowds, standing in line, it’s just not for me. I avoided all that by shopping online last Christmas. I had my packages brought to me, right to my door. WalMart and Kohl’s love me. In fact, Kohl’s send me a note every month.

So now that I have another Christmas tucked away, I sit and watch the snow fall outside looking forward to spring. In Northeast Ohio it should arrive around July.