An open love letter to Nyquil

My dearest Nyquil,
You wonderful, magical, green elixir of slumber juice. I love you. At the moment I felt the plague creep into my body I went to you, in my medicine cabinet. But alas, you were not there. I was a fool to think I could go on without you. But I did.
For days I suffered until I could take it no more. I searched for you in the personal care aisles of WalMart. There you were waiting for me. My trembling hand reached out to you and gently placed you in my shopping cart. We made to the checkout line and bells went off as my cashier swiped you. The fact that you must be 18 years old to take you home made you all the more alluring.
You are the only one that can set my snot on fire. You are the only one that can knock me on my ass in mid-sentence. You are the only non-narcotic drug for me. That night I slept, better than I had in days. Although I awoke in my neighbors back yard, I was fully rested. Thank you my darling Nyquil. We shall never part again.

I need a nap. Where's my pillow and blanky?

For the last week or so, maybe longer, maybe less because I'm really not sure what day it is and I'm almost certain it is October but I would not be 100% sure of that to call it fact. In fact for the past few days I feel as if I have been watching myself try to function through daily life as a spectator instead of a participant. What I am trying to say is that I have a cold/flu that has come straight from hell.
So forming a thought and trying to string along a few coherent sentences has been difficult. I have thoughts and sentences floating around up there in my brain but they have been bogged down by snot. Random ideas pop into my head and I have no explanation as to why they are up there but they are stuck inside of my skull, rattling around trying to free themselves but to no avail because you see, I can not breath through my nose and I am now hearing impaired. My ears are actually squeaking. How can this be good?
Random thought! I remember an event. Wait I think I'm hungry. I'm going to have soup. I'll finish this post later.

In the delicate mental state that I am in at the moment all my memories happened about a year ago. That being said, about a year ago Boy #3 told me he had an earache. Here is that conversation:
"Mom I think I have an earache."
"Well either your ear hurts or it doesn't."
"I know that. But my ear hurts inside."
"Oh then that's an earache."
After they turn 18 you can relax a little bit because legally they are in charge of their own earaches. But I am a mom, so I asked,
"How bad does it hurt? Going to the doctor bad or aspirin bad?"
"Oh I don't want to go to the doctor."
"Then take a couple......"
"Because I don't have insurance."
This is when the muscles that you have let relax stiffen because now money is involved. I continued the conversation,
"You know that your father and I will help you with medical expenses, you know that."
"Yeah but I still don't think I need to go to the doctor."
"Well get a flashlight and let me look in there at least."

I just remembered I'm out of Nyquil. Shit.

So I have a flashlight and I'm looking into the kids ear. I see nothing. I really couldn't tell you what I expected to see though. Then I had a thought,
"You know I think back in the old days they use to pour a little peroxide in a persons soar ear to help the pain and unblock stuff."
"Really?"
"Yeah, pretty sure. Want me to do it?"
"I ..... don't ......... know."
"Think about it. You get water in your ear when you go swimming sometimes and you always get it out. It would be the same thing, sort of, maybe. Let's see what happens."
"Well ......"
"I'm just going to put a cap full in there, a few drops."
"Okay. Do it."
I tried to contain my excitement, I didn't want him to flee.
With Boy #3's head sideways over the bathroom sink, I guess in case the peroxide came out the other end? We were winging it really. I poured a few drops into his earache ear. He flinched a little and I don't blame him because I had no idea what I was doing, not a clue. Huh. I saw some bubbles in there. And I said,
"I see some bubbles."
No response. He probably can't hear me with peroxide in his ear. So I turned my head sideways over the sink to face him and said,
"I see bubbles."
"Cool. I hear fizzing."
"Cool. I'm going back up there to see what happening."
And I gave him a thumbs up.

In no way do I condone radical peroxide ear treatment. Just wanted to throw that out there. My head hurts.

So I looked back at his bubbling ear. The peroxide seemed to have knocked loose some earwax because I saw some little things floating around. Huh. I went back down sideways over the sink and said,
"How does your ear feel?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Then I think it's time to get that stuff out of there, I see some stuff floating in your ear."
"Huh?"
I put a tissue over his ear and he stood up. He started the process of removing water from your ear after swimming and was successful. He started moving his jaw around because you can't move your ears around. He said to me,
"I think that may have helped."
"I knew it would."
I had no idea what would happen, but I'd say a successful test. Since going partially deaf due to this cold I have been contemplating peroxide in my ear. I'm going to stick to my Neti Pot for now, until I get desperate.

I can't think of a title because I have a headache

I went to the pool today to clear my brain. It has been floating in snot for days and I fear I may have been rendered an idiot. So the thought of being poolside appealed to me and my latest sinus cavity invasion.
I planned to set up in my spot, doze off on a reclined pool chair and pretend I hadn't a care in the world. The first obstacle towards this nirvana was that the lifeguards had the radio on just a little too loud and I found myself singing along with most of the songs. Then in came the Russians, new ones. They started with their Russian conversations right when Highway to Hell came on the radio. Does anyone know how to say 'world domination' in Russian? Honestly they could have been playing Marco Polo or discussing they're plans for us unsuspecting Americans once they took over Northeast, Ohio. There was no way to tell what they were up to.
The combination of snot, good tunes on the radio and Russian speak had my brain bopping around and slamming against my skull like a bobble head doll on the dashboard of a beat up old pick up truck, traveling the back dusty roads to the nearest water hole. I am an idiot.
I only stayed another half hour then went home. I took a shot of Nyquil, during the day, because I'm a rebel that way. I'm doing my best to record this afternoon in this post but if it comes out Russian, I don't think I should be held responsible.

______________________________________ 

This is my 800th post on this blog. Send me presents.

The voice inside my head

The voice inside my head was chatting me up today at WalMart. I think it's because of the flu Boy #2 so graciously bestowed upon me two days before Christmas. Not completely over the sinus infection and no time to go back to the doctor, I left myself vulnerable. But I'm still letting Boy #2 take all the blame. So with my brain floating around in snot, gently bopping against the walls of my skull it misfired quite a bit up and down those WalMart aisles.
I will try to remember what it was saying as I arrived and was desperately trying to contain it:

"No bell ringer today, gonna miss him."

"Thank you for walking in the clearly marked exit door. The record of some moron walking in or out of the wrong door remains intact."

"I need to go to the pharmaceutical aisle first. Maybe I can find a magical cure for the flu or just knock myself out with Nyquil shots."

"I shouldn't have left the house alone. I feel like hell and I just got here."

"Seriously? The whole family has to do the grocery shopping? Mom, dad and 2.5 children? They clog up the whole aisle. What do children contribute to grocery shopping besides annoyance?"

"What bra did I wear today? Why do the straps keep sliding off my shoulders?"

"Move out of the way, move your cart, move it now. I'm going to ram into it, I swear I will."

"Is my tea on the very bottom self?"

"Note to self: buy nothing on the bottom self today because standing back up makes you dizzy."

"I have to blow my nose."

"I can't believe mom found this little bottle of lavender scented hand sanitizer, I love lavender."

"Get out of my way."

"If you stop and text in front of something I want I'm going to give you a heavy sigh."

"These effing bra straps."

"I'm probably going to faint. Why is it so hot in here?"

"I will not sample whatever it is you are cooking in your little toaster oven, it smells bad. I'm avoiding eye contact and walking right by you."

"You haven't seen each other in years? That's wonderful, but would you find somewhere else to catch up? Preferably somewhere I'm not. You are hindering my progress along with the people that insist on bringing their entire family with them."

"This bra is coming off as soon as I get home. If I ever get home. I might not ever get home."

"Put your cart on one side of the aisle. Pick left or right, not the middle. The middle is stupid and you know that."

"Finally. They are getting rid of these Christmas decorations and putting up the Valentine's Day stuff."

"Get out of my way, damn it."

That is basically how my first venture out of the house since Christmas day went. By the time I got home I needed a nap and a shot of Nyquil.

Snot Preparedness Process

Everyone in the house was sick, they went down one after the other, except me. I remained snot free. I thought I was in the clear until yesterday. I now have a head full of snot. Being the number one caregiver in the house because no one else will do it and because it's in my nature to tell people what to do, I must take care of myself.
I have my beloved Nyquil so I'm not worried. But to make life easier and to keep from getting out of my warm bed in the middle of the night, over the years I've perfected a snot preparedness process before going to bed.
On my windowsill I place some tissues, a small glass of water and nasal spray. So when I wake up not being able to breath through my nose my tissues are right there so I can blow. Then I have a glass of water for the dry mouth I have from breathing through my mouth. Then I can snort the nasal spray, clearing my nasal passages without getting out of bed.
I urge you to try my system as I think it's a pretty good plan unless you have to pee. One warning though, I found this out the hard way. If you are immersed in the throws of a raging cold or the flu and your thought process is affected or you are working on a good Nyquil buzz, leave the nasal spray in the bathroom. This is why:
Half asleep in the middle of the night, not able to even recall the names of my children, I grabbed the nasal spray. I broke protocol and went right to step 3. I didn't even lift my head off my pillow, shoved the upside down bottle up my nose and shot the liquid straight to my brain. It burned my sinus cavities on the way. Once in there it dislodged several brain cells, rendering me an idiot. The brain cells are still in there slamming against the inside of my skull wondering what the hell happened. My eyeballs almost popped out of their sockets and I'm quite certain smoke came out of my ears. After the initial thrust into my brain the liquid then flowed down the back of my throat, scorching my esophagus as it made it's way to my stomach where it settled only to make me nauseated. At that point I had to get out of bed to first throw up and then to make sure everything on my face was where it was suppose to be. I was happy to see my eyes still in their sockets. But I looked like hell. I made myself worse.
I hope I've helped some of you during this cold and flu season. Oh and don't tell my mom about this post, she gets mad when I say snot.

And the family rejoiced

"Mom?"

What's this? I sense fear. Twenty-four years of mom training under my belt, I can sense the trepidation in Boy #3's voice. Hmmmm..... let's see where this goes.

"Yes?"

"Ummm... wha.... what's for dinner?"

"Not turkey."

And he smiled, a smile like the old days, like when he heard the ice cream truck down the road. His eyes lit up like two bright stars in the midnight sky. Relief fell over him in a gentle wave of happiness.

This could be my fault, I did make a 20 pound turkey for five people. I thought it was excellent planning on my part. I had a sick husband in the house, the reason I had to cook by the way, I had a major head cold brewing around my brain and for God's sake a four day weekend to enjoy. And enjoy it we did. I got to take Nyquil.

"I'm going to WalMart for more tissues" I said to the husband, "Will you be okay?"

"I'm hungry."

"Make a turkey sandwich."

"Mom, I'm hungry."

"Make a turkey sandwich, I have to irrigate my nasal passages." And then take a nap.

I had apple pie for breakfast Saturday morning. Was it morning? It was my first meal of the day so I guess it was breakfast. The husband was popping aspirin like candy and was walking around the house wrapped in an old comforter from one of the boys beds, it had footballs on it.

At WalMart I grabbed a variety of cold and flu remedies. One, not pictured, was Breath Rite Extremes. I followed the instructions on the sample box, large strip on the bottom, small strip on top. Yes, there were two strips because they are Extremes. With the Breath Rite properly placed I looked in the mirror, my nose had grown twice it's size and air was getting in there. With my enlarged nose and Nyquil, I settled in for a long winters nap. I'm just going to sleep this off. Except the snot had other plans and today, has unleashed holy hell on my sinus cavity, I have to carry a box of tissues with me where ever I go. I could have easily dragged out the leftovers after work, but that would have been pushing it. Pushing it to the Extremes.

The husband came home and asked, "What's for dinner?" No fear in his voice, his filter is screwed up because of the flu.

"Not turkey."

"Thank God!"

My fragile mental state of mind

Leaving the safety of my home, I ventured out into the swine flu riddled world we now live in, only leaving for food, gas and a mocha. Already at risk and in a weakened condition, because I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection, I did this for my family to survive the weekend. I stocked up on Sponge Bob macaroni and cheese and Pepsi, oh and another bottle of my beloved Nyquil. Not that I've gone through a whole bottle myself, yet, the rest of the family likes to knock themselves out with that stuff when they're sick too.
We're sick but not swine flu sick. I'm sure I have a sinus infection but refuse to go to the doctors and sit in the germ infested waiting room for antibiotics. I suppose I'll have to go to the "black market" for those. Where is the "black market" any way? I need a few things.
Whether I ever leave my house again will be up to how much I let the media scare me and in my fragile mental state, because of the FaceBook addiction and my brain swimming in snot, it may be never.

The Definition of Awkward

Aunt Flo visits whenever the hell she wants to, even when you are in bed with the flu. I had to drag myself out from under my cozy, warm comforter today and get to the store because I'm the only one in the house that is willing to be seen buying those "things." That aisle is the first stop I made, I wasn't thinking straight and I wanted to make sure "they" were not forgotten. I would have cried if I got home and then had to go back out again. So the "things" without wings were in my shopping cart, alone, minding their own business when I ran into an acquaintance from back in the baseball days, a former coach, a guy.
The awkward conversation ensued. "You don't sound too good, you sick?"
"Yeah, the flu, I'm here for some tissues and Nyquil."
His gaze tried to stay focused on my blood-shot eyes, "Uh huh. Hope you feel better."
"Thanks. Nice to see you again."
We parted ways and I found my beloved Nyquil. Nyquil is either for the flu, a cold or both, I don't know. All I know is that I'm sick and I get to throw back a few Nyquil shots.
That, my blogging friends is why I haven't posted, dropped EntreCards or visited you all week. Because I've been hit with a double whammy.

Chugging Nyquil

The dog watched with interest as I rummaged through my closet for something comfortable to wear. I was home sick yesterday and she was very curious as to why I was home with her. I dragged myself out of bed at about 11:30, took a shower and dressed myself in my kids hand-me-downs. I resembled a skater-dude. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Are you comfortable?" Shook my head yes and made some tea.
The dog spent the afternoon playing outside while I caught up on my recorded episode of the freakshow that is Heroes. Which I should post on later if I can wrap my head around it and all it's freakiness.
I'm hoping that by tomorrow I'll be able to breath through both nostrils at the same time, simultaneously without my mouth hanging open. Really, I don't think that's asking too much but should the congestion continue, I will at least take comfort in my bottle of Nyquil.

Really, What Was I Thinking?

I left the house for the first time in 3 days yesterday. You know because of my major head cold. I can say head cold now because I searched bubonic plague and I'm sure I don't have that. I was out of tissues and we needed food in the house. I don't know if it was the snot that my brain is swimming in or the Nyquil coursing through my veins but while putting away my groceries I had to stop and ask myself, "What were you thinking?"
I was putting a "After the Rain" scented Renuzit Air Freshener in my little office. I don't know why. I can't smell.

Where is My Nyquil?

Since poking my head out into the outside world last week for my new job, I've managed to contract either the bubonic plague or a head cold, not sure which. I knew once I started to mingle with the public, germs would find me, along with Jesus lectures, hugs from strangers and extensive weather conversations. Let's face it, I'm just not a people person.
I have a long weekend to recover and plan on taking plenty of Nyquil by the time I have to go back to the new job. My goal is to be able to breath out of both nasal passages at the same time. As it stands now there is no air go in or out of either, that has to be serious.
While at work last night, the dog hid one of my slippers. Today I walk through the house with one warm foot and one cold foot, I'm not sure if this situation will hinder my recover, one can only hope the slipper will show up soon.

I'm Taking the Afternoon Off

Somebody gave me germs. At the moment, I can only breath out of my left nostril. That'll change though. I'm cold and I ache. But what I'm worried about is my ear hurts just a little. That will get me a doctor visit if nothing else will. I usually tough it out. I'm going to curl up on the couch and watch Heroes this afternoon. I didn't get to watch it last night, I was watching Dancing With the Stars and trying to figure out what Marie Osmond was doing there. The husband worked late last night so I was able to watch on the big TV instead of being exiled to the bedroom and the little TV.

The upside of being sick is I get to take Nyquil tonight. The moonshine of medicine, as Lewis Black would say. So I'm taking the afternoon off and heading for the couch as soon as I find where the dog hid my slipper.