Snot Preparedness Process

Everyone in the house was sick, they went down one after the other, except me. I remained snot free. I thought I was in the clear until yesterday. I now have a head full of snot. Being the number one caregiver in the house because no one else will do it and because it's in my nature to tell people what to do, I must take care of myself.
I have my beloved Nyquil so I'm not worried. But to make life easier and to keep from getting out of my warm bed in the middle of the night, over the years I've perfected a snot preparedness process before going to bed.
On my windowsill I place some tissues, a small glass of water and nasal spray. So when I wake up not being able to breath through my nose my tissues are right there so I can blow. Then I have a glass of water for the dry mouth I have from breathing through my mouth. Then I can snort the nasal spray, clearing my nasal passages without getting out of bed.
I urge you to try my system as I think it's a pretty good plan unless you have to pee. One warning though, I found this out the hard way. If you are immersed in the throws of a raging cold or the flu and your thought process is affected or you are working on a good Nyquil buzz, leave the nasal spray in the bathroom. This is why:
Half asleep in the middle of the night, not able to even recall the names of my children, I grabbed the nasal spray. I broke protocol and went right to step 3. I didn't even lift my head off my pillow, shoved the upside down bottle up my nose and shot the liquid straight to my brain. It burned my sinus cavities on the way. Once in there it dislodged several brain cells, rendering me an idiot. The brain cells are still in there slamming against the inside of my skull wondering what the hell happened. My eyeballs almost popped out of their sockets and I'm quite certain smoke came out of my ears. After the initial thrust into my brain the liquid then flowed down the back of my throat, scorching my esophagus as it made it's way to my stomach where it settled only to make me nauseated. At that point I had to get out of bed to first throw up and then to make sure everything on my face was where it was suppose to be. I was happy to see my eyes still in their sockets. But I looked like hell. I made myself worse.
I hope I've helped some of you during this cold and flu season. Oh and don't tell my mom about this post, she gets mad when I say snot.

What are the tortilla chips doing in the freezer?

All week I've been trying to pinpoint the exact moment I lost the majority of my brain cells. Because I found an open bag of tortilla chips in the freezer and I know I did it and couldn't think fast enough to blame it on someone else. I just stood there with the bag in my hand dumbfounded. I don't remember doing it, I stared at the frozen bag trying to jog my memory. I remember eating them and they were sealed tight, that's a big clue I have going against me, because I'm the only one in the house that understands the "things get stale" philosophy.

"Who put these in the....................oh."

I could see their minds churning, should we say something or just start looking for Nursing Homes that specialize in dementia?

When you think of it, they're the ones, Boy#1, Boy#2 and Boy#3, that are the reason I'm in the state I'm in now and they're the ones that will probably put me away. Funny how that works, isn't it?

We keep the chips and pretzels on top of the refrigerator, it's a stretch but the tortilla chips could have fallen off the top, made a U-turn and landed on the shelf of the freezer, maybe. I wonder if they have Internet hook up in the Nursing Homes.

A fist full of ibuprofen

Priorities, tough little decisions to make while you're obviously running late for work. At the rate I was going this morning I could make one stop. My brain cells, and you know they all don't work together up there, we've discussed this before, my brain cells mulled over whether to stop for Midol or a mocha. Tough decision like I said. I opted to wash down a fist full of ibuprofen and stop for the mocha.
This proved to be a bad decision, the mocha was good, but after my second fist full of the useless ibuprofen it was obvious I needed narcotics. And to make matters worse my brain cells completely forgot about my filter while bouncing around in there thinking of mocha and Midol. So the entire office, plus the shop guys knew I was in dire straights.

"Back away slowly and get me chocolate."
Actually it was kind of nice, no one bothered me and I got a lot of work done.

I scared the service manager and the parts guys offered me Vodka. Then we talked about ice cream, one thing led to another and we invented a PMS Blizzard, narcotics and chocolate laced with Vodka. If that doesn't get rid of cramps nothing will.

Hangin' With The Weird

When I go days without a blogging idea I re-evaluated my life and then go to WalMart. Sometimes I clutter my mind with raising teenagers, paying bills and laundry, important stuff I suppose, but they get in the way of my humor brain cells. So I cleared my mind and took the checkbook to WalMart, we had a great time. Every single visit I'm greeted with someone walking out the entrance and walking in the exit and that always puts a smile on my face. The doors are clearly marked but WalMart shoppers have no time for readin' and stuff. There's a freakin' clearance sale going on right down the middle of the store for God's sake. I got a bath towel for $3.00.
On my way out I successfully avoided the Girl Scouts selling their cookies and navigated my way to the SUV, it was surrounded by shopping carts. I guess the few extra feet to the shopping cart holding bin was just to much for some. So I had a extra errand, round up the shopping carts. Those WalMart shopping cart rustlers make shopping cart rustling look easy. Steering three carts at once is an acquired skill, one that I'm lacking. But I managed to swing them over to the appropriate employee, feeling pretty proud of myself too. He never looked up or acknowledged my presence. Huh. Maybe I was doing a better job shopping cart rustling than I thought and he felt threatened. Or maybe he's just weird.

The Adventure That Is WalMart

For those of you who have never experienced a "big snow" like we Northerner's just experienced, I thought I'd paint you a picture. Imagine a parking lot if you will, say WalMart. When a foot of snow dumps on an area like a parking lot, it's only logical that the establishment plows the snow away to avoid chaos. There has been some plowing in that parking lot, I'll give them that, but not a whole hell of a lot. When every other car you see has spinning tires, some more plowing should be done. This is how I felt as I drove into WalMarts parking lot, there are other stores in that shopping area, but I'm just blaming it on WalMart.
I drove my four-wheel drive SUV into the parking lot,
"What the &%$@? Don't they know what a &$@$*%# plow is for? Are they total A$$&$@%'s?"
That's how I sound when I'm in my car by myself! It's a great stress reliever, to swear like a drunken sailor.
After my profanity laced outburst, I laughed a little laugh. I have four wheel drive, what the hell do I care. Four wheel drive vehicles make you cocky. So already I'm cocky and self assured, a dangerous combination when it's the end of the week and so few precious brain cells are active. I got the brain cells, it's just that at the end of the week, starting my lazy weekends, I put some of them to sleep. Why clutter your head with rational thoughts when it's not really necessary? Well I'll tell you why. Because shopping carts don't have four wheel drive. Cocky and self assurance went out the window while I pulled my shopping cart inch by inch through the un-plowed, snow covered, adventure that is WalMart.

Brain Cells, The Weather and Super Human Powers

It seems I have my brain bursitis again. My weather changing gauge in my head. It's somewhat annoying, because really, I don't need a headache to tell me it's going to rain. We have weathermen for that and clouds. It is kind of cool though that I got the husband up early to cut the grass. I have to use these special powers only for good.
I am a little concerned for my precious brain cells, so few of them in there, I don't want to lose any active ones and the kids have been zapping at them for years. I'm making a conscious effort to eat more tuna, fish is brain food.
Since starting my new job I've been spreading the brain cells rather thin. Using some for work, then when I get home I put a few on stand by. That can be dangerous, because when making spaghetti last week I forgot to put the meatballs in the sauce. That was a disappointing dinner.
See how this post took on a life of it's own? I have to figure out a way to evenly distribute my brain powers to save the brain cells, either that or learn how to shoot fire balls out of my finger tips. I've always wanted to do that..............