Monday, November 29, 2010

And the family rejoiced


What's this? I sense fear. Twenty-four years of mom training under my belt, I can sense the trepidation in Boy #3's voice. Hmmmm..... let's see where this goes.
"Ummm... wha.... what's for dinner?"
"Not turkey."

And he smiled, a smile like the old days, like when he heard the ice cream truck down the road. His eyes lit up like two bright stars in the midnight sky. Relief fell over him in a gentle wave of happiness.

This could be my fault, I did make a 20 pound turkey for five people. I thought it was excellent planning on my part. I had a sick husband in the house, the reason I had to cook by the way, I had a major head cold brewing around my brain and for God's sake a four day weekend to enjoy. And enjoy it we did. I got to take Nyquil.
"I'm going to WalMart for more tissues" I said to the husband, "Will you be okay?"
"I'm hungry."
"Make a turkey sandwich."
"Mom, I'm hungry."
"Make a turkey sandwich, I have to irrigate my nasal passages." And then take a nap.
I had apple pie for breakfast Saturday morning. Was it morning? It was my first meal of the day so I guess it was breakfast. The husband was popping aspirin like candy and was walking around the house wrapped in an old comforter from one of the boys beds, it had footballs on it.
At WalMart I grabbed a variety of cold and flu remedies. One, not pictured, was Breath Rite Extremes. I followed the instructions on the sample box, large strip on the bottom, small strip on top. Yes, there were two strips because they are Extremes. With the Breath Rite properly placed I looked in the mirror, my nose had grown twice it's size and air was getting in there. With my enlarged nose and Nyquil, I settled in for a long winters nap. I'm just going to sleep this off. Except the snot had other plans and today, has unleashed holy hell on my sinus cavity, I have to carry a box of tissues with me where ever I go. I could have easily dragged out the leftovers after work, but that would have been pushing it. Pushing it to the Extremes.
The husband came home and asked, "What's for dinner?" No fear in his voice, his filter is screwed up because of the flu.
"Not turkey."
"Thank God!"

Saturday, November 27, 2010

From the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude files, #1675 section B

Friday, November 26, 2010:
"I'm out of shiiiiirrrrts!" the husband exclaimed.
"There are none in the closet."
"I'll run to the Scary Asian Dry Cleaners and get your shirts."
"Have you seen your hair?"
I was willing to run to the Scary Asian Dry Cleaners after just emerging from the shower, that's how much I love him.
"Okay, don't panic, we still have time. I'll run this shirt through a rinse cycle with fabric softener, throw it in the dryer and iron it. No problem."
I was just that simple and off to work he went.
I dried my hair, slapped some make-up on my face and drove to my constant source of blogging fodder.
The Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude reminds me of a Vietnam prison guard in a Chuck Norris movie, that's where he got his nickname. He has a Vietnam prison guard in a Chuck Norris movie grin, it's unsettling. I didn't see him when I walked in, that meant he was lurking in the back of the store with those hot shirt presses. Shivers went up my spine. She was there. Always smiling. Our conversations are kept to a minimum.
"Hi." Sometime I say Hi and sometimes Hello, I try to mix it up a bit, this time I said Hi.
"Four more shirt?"
"Seven ah twenty. Have nice day."
"Thank you."
And that's it, week after week. I'm sure she has a larger English vocabulary, but I haven't delved into it. I don't want to be misunderstood, what with the Scary Asian Dry Cleaning Dude lurking in the back and all.
You can imagine my surprise when she asked if I had a nice Thanksgiving. I was dumb-struck. Holy Crap what do I say?
"It was good, how about yours?" Right then I realized, Asian - Thanksgiving, I don't think so, whoops.
She responded, "We ah went Casino."
See, yet another reason Ohio needs Casino's. We have to keep those senior citizens and their social security checks here. And we have to keep the dry cleaners from crossing state lines with there hard earned American dollah.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

In my world it's Friday

"What's for dinner?"
"It's so cute that you think I'm going to cook today."
"Here's how it works, this is a three day week and a four day weekend. So Monday when we woke up, it was like it was Wednesday, then Tuesday was like Thursday. You see where we're going with this?"
"I'm guessing you think it's Friday today and you don't cook on Friday's, ever. I'm calling for pizza?"
"There you go. In my world it's Friday."
I opened the refrigerator, "See that big turkey thawing in there? I'm spending the entire day with it tomorrow. I have to get up early and shove stuffing up it's ass, get it in the oven and make the rest of the Thanksgiving fixin's. There will be drinking and swearing by late afternoon. I won't know what day it is tomorrow."
"I'm going to call for pizza now."
"You know I think that would be best."
Some bloggers have been posting lists on what they are thankful for. I can't sit and look at a blank piece of paper and come up with list just like that, after all right now I think it's Friday. So I wrote a few things down during the day:
1. My Family - If I don't put them on the list they will bitch and moan, so I'm getting them out of the way first.
2. Mocha - That delicious hot liquid I drink every morning. I've been adding caramel to it.
3. Ready made pie crust.
4. I'm not traveling. I don't have to make the choice of being felt up by a stranger wearing blue rubber gloves or be scanned and end up on an internet porn site.
5. A four day weekend. Someone please let me know when it's Sunday so I remember to go to work Monday.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Wonder dog is allergic to bees

Over a year ago I wrote a post titled Buckeye's First Kill. A short little post about my delusional children thinking my dog was a cold blooded killer. With only circumstantial evidence, I pronounced her Not Guilty. I can do that because I'm the mom and I run the whole show around here.
Last month when the squirrel incident occurred, I started to wonder if I should have examined the mouse evidence a little closer. Clearly she killed the squirrel, I was the primary witness.
Over the three years that we've had her I've seen her chase moths, flies and bees. Right after the squirrel kill she was sitting in between the husband and I on our recliner couch. The whole damn couch reclines you could fit five people on it, the most comfortable couch we've ever had, we never leave it and the dog is right there with us snuggled up in front of the fireplace and TV. So we are all three sitting there, but the dog is alert and her ears are up. We are expecting the barking to start next and then a run to the window, but instead she snaps a fly out of mid air.
"Did you see that?"
"Did she get it?"
At that moment she spit it out, sniffed it, toyed with it and ate it.
We were too dumb struck to stop her.
"She's wonder dog."
"Did you see that?"
Clearly she's been practicing her attack skills when we are at work. I never really thought she ever caught the flies and bees, but obviously she now has the taste for blood.
On the rare occasion that the husband takes a day off of work he schedules car stuff, home improvement stuff and on this week, the week after the squirrel incident he scheduled dog stuff. An appointment for her check up and manicure. I came home for lunch before they left, she was outside playing or having a snack because I saw her chasing something that was flying. Please don't drag in a dead animal until after I have my lunch baby.
"Did you feed her? Because she's eating bugs."
"Do you want a sandwich? Your dog is chasing bugs."
"She's fine."
We ate and I got ready to go back to work.
"I'll bring the dog in."
I looked towards the door and she was sitting on the steps shaking, "The hell?"
I brought her in and gave her a biscuit, it dropped out of her mouth. Okay somethings wrong. She a biscuit whore, sometimes I think she just asks to go out to get a biscuit. And when I say ask, I mean stare at me, a real in depth stare, right into my very soul she stares. It's a 'I have to pee stare.' And then sometimes I don't think she even goes down the steps.
But anyway, she drops the biscuit and I see foam in her mouth.
"Babe, look at her?"
"I guess we're going to the vet a little earlier than expected, go back to work, she'll be fine, I'll call you."
"I got this."
Back at work I fretted. He'll forget to call me. I should have called in sick. He can't even remember the years the boys were born and I entrusted the dog into his care. Damn.
Then my cell phone rang, "Wonder dog is allergic to bees."
"The doctor thinks there is a bee sting on her tongue, gave her a shot of Benadryl and steroids. Pick up some Benadryl on your way home."
See, he's clueless, a mom always has Benadryl in the medicine chest. Of course the stuff at home was generic, so I was going to stop for the real stuff, keep the generic for the kids.
So the mouse and squirrel hunter, venus fly trap is allergic to bees. How the hell am I suppose to know if she gets stung? Do I have to carry an epi stick with me now?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Nemesis, The Roundabout

A roundabout is a type of circular junction in which road traffic must travel in one direction around a central island. Signs usually direct traffic entering the circle to slow down and give the right of way to drivers already in the circle. Duh!

Must I continue to mingle with the stupid? Last year my community decided we had to have a roundabout traffic circle. A four way stop wasn't good enough for them. So they thought it would be great to confuse the hell out of, what's proving to be, more than half the community. Who knew I was one of the smart ones. I can get through that thing just fine, can't do it without swearing, but I'm confident in my navigation skills when it comes to roundabout traffic circles. It's really is quite simple.

You do not have to put your turn signal on, you are only going one way, right.

Please don't stop in the circle, the car coming towards you is doing something we call yielding. You have a drivers license, you know what yielding is, right?

Please do not stop in the circle, I can not stress this enough. The people behind you are going to become agitated, we will swear at you like a drunken sailor.

If you see no one, you don't have to stop, because there is no stop sign. Put on your big girl panties and don't hesitate. You must never hesitate.

We're moving now aren't we?

There is a sign that will say "Roundabout Ahead" and it has a diagram of a circle. See how they do that? They warn you of a traffic challenge, giving you ample time to mentally prepare. So now you can tell the person on the phone to 'hold on you have to focus'. You can't just phone in a roundabout, you'll need to activate several brain cells.

But the best advice I can give you is just avoid roundabouts, you are pissing a lot of people off.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

What are the tortilla chips doing in the freezer?

All week I've been trying to pinpoint the exact moment I lost the majority of my brain cells. Because I found an open bag of tortilla chips in the freezer and I know I did it and couldn't think fast enough to blame it on someone else. I just stood there with the bag in my hand dumbfounded. I don't remember doing it, I stared at the frozen bag trying to jog my memory. I remember eating them and they were sealed tight, that's a big clue I have going against me, because I'm the only one in the house that understands the "things get stale" philosophy.
"Who put these in the....................oh."
I could see their minds churning, should we say something or just start looking for Nursing Homes that specialize in dementia?
When you think of it, they're the ones, Boy#1, Boy#2 and Boy#3, that are the reason I'm in the state I'm in now and they're the ones that will probably put me away. Funny how that works, isn't it?
We keep the chips and pretzels on top of the refrigerator, it's a stretch but the tortilla chips could have fallen off the top, made a U-turn and landed on the shelf of the freezer, maybe. I wonder if they have Internet hook up in the Nursing Homes.