Monday, August 20, 2012

How much does a taser cost?

The early morning dog walking routine isn't working the way I had envisioned. I thought it would be the bright and sunny start of my day. The dog and I would stroll through the neighborhood, I would clear my head and ponder the day ahead of me. Instead terror lurks around every corner.
There are only certain streets we can walk on, the rest have been deemed unsafe. Because those streets have loose dogs. What can get your heart racing faster than a Chinese Badminton Olympian hell bent on loosing? A loose dog running out from behind it's house and heading straight for you. I've ruled out carrying pepper spray because it might get my dog too, so now I want a taser. Do you have to go to a special school to carry a taser? Do I have to get a permit? I'll look into it before I start tasering loose dogs. But taser them I will, if permitted.
Also I have to be ever vigilant for the fear of running into a bunny or a deer. They may seem harmless to you but the deer cross the street and never look both ways. Therefore crossing our path and putting the dog into hunt and kill mode. Same with the bunnies, if the dog sees one before I do, I will be caught off guard and she will literally take off after it and if she could, take my arm with her.
Then last week there was a new development on the pajama mans street. We save that street for the end of the week because it has the most promise for mayhem. It's definitely not a street for a Monday morning when I think I'm going to think of something brilliant to write. It's more of a Friday street, when I'm thinking of my grocery list. We made it past the pajama mans house without incident. Up ahead a few houses as we were walking the dogs ears perked up, she slowed her pace to cautious steps and she looked at it, and so did I.
Unable to make out anything but a silhouette, we saw an ominous form sitting near a mailbox. I could see what had to be pointed ears, they twitched first the right then the left and they were too for away from each other to be a cat. Unless it was a cougar, but the rest of the body did not fit a cougars physique. So I came to the conclusion it was some unknown species that escaped from a secret government facility and we slowly turned around, headed home looking over my shoulder every 10 seconds as we walked. The creature made no move. 
We made it home safely that day. But I feel that I should be armed with more than my cell phone and a plastic poop bag for our walks. How much do tasers cost and can I get them on eBay?

Thursday, August 16, 2012

It's time to talk about what goes on in the bathroom?

I beg to differ. I don't think there's ever going to be a time to discuss, with total strangers, what goes on in the bathroom. But apparently toilet paper commercials do think it's time. I don't need to see cartoon bears with toilet paper pieces stuck to their butts. How do we even know if they use toilet paper. I highly doubt it, especially since we are not even sure if a bear actually does $h!t in the woods.
Is the toilet paper commercial subliminally using the saying, 'Does a bear $h!t in the woods?' By using bears in the woods in their commercials? You would have to admit that is a little clever. But a momma bear holding up a pair of underoos to inspect....
Bring back Mr. Whipple.
He brought dignity to toilet paper commercials and never actually let on what toilet paper was for because we all knew. Just tell us it's 2-ply and soft, that's all we need to know. Listen to me toilet paper companies and listen good. I will not buy your toilet paper if you refer to railroad tracks, ever.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

I figured out the Olympics

I figured out their crazy commercial system they have going on. No one had to explain it to me although it's probably common knowledge. I'd sit down to watch TV and of course nothing is on except the Olympics, so I decide to watch. Switching to the Olympic channel there is a commercial on and then another. I think I sat through 27 commercials before I saw an Olympic event.
Okay, alright, here we go, I'm watching the 2012 Olympics. I took a sip of my Pepsi and reclined in my chair. We were in the track and field area and I was hoping I'd get to see some big guys throwing stuff. But no they were getting ready to show us a race, the 100 yard dash. That's what I call it because I refuse to conform to the metric system like the rest of the world and I'm rock solid on this issue because math is hard.
Obviously the object of the 100 yard dash is to win in the least amount of seconds and milli-seconds as possible. The race is really, really fast so I ask myself, 'what will they show us next?'
A commercial.
A commercial? Hey! I just watched 238 commercials, 15 seconds of the Olympics and you're going to show me more commercials? I don't think so. I debated whether I wanted to get out the LOST DVD's, all 6 seasons, I've been saving them for a rainy day. It would be fun to watch from the beginning now that I know the secrets of the smoke monster. The problem is it just won't rain. I ended up on FaceBook.
I tried watching again a few days later, Men's Volleyball, I wrote about it here. We, the husband and I tried to figure out, well I express some interest in the game, the husband had his finger on the remotes 'change the channel' button. I realized as the game progressed there were no commercials.
The network has to get so many commercials in during the airing of the Olympics. So race, commercial, race, commercial, vault, commercial, balance beam, commercial and then an entire game of volleyball. See how that works? I guess it makes sense but I'm not going to sit through 549 commercials unless Jesus is giving a speech.