Before the Benadryl kicks in

Wouldn't it be great if I could stop sneezing right....................................now? Apparently not going to happen yet. This will give me time to squeeze one more post out about the awesome responsibility of Jury Duty. Where did we leave off? Oh yes, "I'm above all this lady" had assembled the angry mob and they were deciding who to sacrifice to the convicts out in the hall.

I was mulling over the remaining people stranded in the Jury Assembly Room. Most of the men were gray hairs. And most of the women seemed to be close to my age, young. Our bailiff finally came to get us, I was about to leave the safety of the Jury Assembly Room, I was about to be thrown out amongst the criminals and lawyers. Why don't we just say criminals, right?

Reluctantly I gathered my belongings, along with everyone else, wondering if I will ever see the light of day again. Our bailiff pointed to some stairs and asked if anyone would rather take the elevator. There was a pregnant woman that got on, some of the gray hairs and a fat lady. The last man to wander out of the Jury Assembly Room sanctuary was probably the oldest person in our group. Several people asked him if he wanted to get on the elevator, no response.

"Sir? Do you want to ride the elevator instead of taking the stairs?" Still no response. That thing behind his ear was a hearing aid, I know it was. "Sir, DO YOU WANT TO RIDE IN THE EL-E-VA-TOR?"

Everyone was looking at him by now. We were inching our way towards a scene. We are going to spiral out of control. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator. I was willing him through mental telepathy to bring this drama to it's end before we law abiding citizens got caught up in a jail breaking, hostage negotiating nightmare. Stop drawing attention to us, we're sitting ducks out here. Get on the elevator. Get on the elevator.

" Elevator? Nah, I don't need an elevator." At that moment I felt like calling him dad. Anyone that knows my dad would agree. Stubborn.

If the rest of this post seems incoherent it's because the Benadryl is starting to kick in. I tried to get it done, but the sneezing.

Up one flight of stairs we went, slightly deaf old man and all. We hooked up with the elevator people and separated again. Another elevator, another flight of stairs. Once we were all back together we were marched right into a court room. This is when I realized there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The bastards settled. The judge and lawyers were in the court room. The bailiff asked us to take a seat. Yes, yes I'll take a seat, it's time to take my 800 hundred milligram Motrin. I didn't want to be seen popping any pills so I refrained. This was proving to be a bad decision as I'm sure my uterus was about to fall out. We sat down and I, out of the corner of my mouth, said to the guy next to me, "They settled, we are so out of here." He nodded in agreeance and winked at me. I notice when I leaned over to talk to him a woman had just crossed her leg and that leg belonged to "I'm above all this lady". Dear God she's right behind me. She can smell my fear, I know it. Please won't they just let me go home?

The judge started to tell us why we had waited so long in the Jury Assembly Room was that the lawyers, clients and he were trying to reach an agreement so they didn't have to go to trial. Which they did, but we were still a big part of the process, yada, yada, yada. And the lawyers went on to tell us about the case we were missing. Ahhhh, jury of your peers, I'm spending the day with a bunch of geezers because a WWII vet fell in a poorly marked parking lot.

"Any questions?" The judge asked. Several hands went up.

Huh? Don't they know we can go now?

One after the other, these people tried to express their intelligence with seemingly intelligent questions. One by one they engaged the lawyers and judge in convesation. We were again starting to spiral out of control. I just got this group under control in my head and now they were trying to one up each other. A pause hit the room, is this the end, are we done? I sensed movement behind me, I tensed up, shut my eyes and prayed. The "I'm above all this lady" raised her hand. Oh no.

"Yes maam?"

She started to speak, "Does this mean we can go home now?"

A chorus of laughter ensued.

"Yes, you can go home now."

She saved us all.

Meanwhile back in the Jury Assembly Room holding tank

As I mentioned in my last post my name wasn't called in the first group of prospective jurors and either was the woman I fondly referred to in my head as "I'm above all this" lady. She sat in one corner of the room and was starting to assemble a group of women and I was sure she was convincing them they were above it all too, better than the rest of us.

After the first group left, I'll call it thinning the herd, we were able to study each other more intently. Don't think I didn't notice one old guy switched his seat making himself closer to me. There were several old guys in there with us women.

Hmmmm.... jury of your peers.

In the middle of the room there were two teachers grading papers, they had red pens, that's how they were picked out and they started up a teaching conversation pulling in a few more people into their little group. Although I was writing, my pen was black therefore was not mistaken as a teacher grading papers. I still continued to keep to myself, I was in an anti-social mood, for two reasons really:

1. I didn't want to be there and

B. I had cramps that would have Attila the Hun on the ground in the fetal position begging for a quick merciful death.

I'm so done with this uterus, it's taken on a life of it's own. It's event driven, holidays, vacations, jury duty, it will attack, even if it has to be early or late. It hates me.

So I kept writing or reading, avoiding eye contact with the old guys, teachers and the scary group of women gathering in the corner.

"I'm above all this" lady started to remind me of the woman in the movie The Mist, Mrs. Carmody. A bible thumping woman that assembled reasonably intelligent people, whipped them up into a frenzy and divided the people stuck in the grocery store with creatures outside trying to kill them. I found myself looking the for the more down to earth group and decided if worse came to worse I'd side with them. I wasn't ready to sacrifice anyone to the convicts out in the hallway and I didn't want to be the one they sacrificed. Now if I could just find someone that looked like Thomas Jane to glom onto. Problem was they took all the young guys in the first jury group. The other side of the room sat a bunch of bored out of their skull, blank eyed people. They just stared into space. I don't think I'd be way off calling them the social rejects. Which was worrisome knowing that the women in the corner could pounce on them at anytime.

The whole Jury Duty process was getting way out of control in my head. Finally a new baliff came out to tell us we would have to wait a little longer. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, doesn't she know what's going on in here? The judge and the lawyers were still discussing the case. In other words trying to settle and not go to trial. Hey guys take your time we're just sitting here trying not to go bat crap crazy.

Jury Duty Part 1, maybe the only part

Okay, I'm officially scared, I just saw convicts. Honest to God, orange striped jumpsuit in handcuffs, convicts. And there's a lot of them, I'm not getting out of here anytime soon. I knew I should have worn my Rush Limbaugh T-shirt.

The convicts were out in the hallway and so are the bathrooms, so I've stopped drinking my water and there will be no coffee for me even if it's free. They give you free tokens and validate your parking.

I parked way to far away, 2 blocks. If it's raining when I leave, I'm screwed. I just drove into a parking garage hoping it was close to the court house. 2 blocks away, I'm an idiot. The 8:30 arrival time is loosely observed. I don't think we are going to start until 9:00. The 8:30 time is for us country bumpkins that can't negotiate the big city. I really, really hope I can find my car if I ever get to leave. The husband called when I first got here, he knows all too well that I could have easily ended up in Pennsylvania. He had to check to see if I made it into the Jury Assembly Room. Being directionally retarded, I've cost him a few gray hairs. But I put full trust in the GPS lady, except for the time she wanted me to drive off a bridge, she has never failed me. I also had my map quest map and we all know that those are never wrong, I was in good hands.

I must look like a geek in this Jury Assembly Room, they probably think I'm taking notes on the video they are showing us. What a group of happy people I'm sitting with. I want to go home.

It's only a matter of time before I start making up names and attaching stories to them. I've already picked out "I'm above all this" lady. She's so much better than the rest of us. I have to pee. The bailiff is now fielding phone calls from the people that haven't shown up. Apparently you can come in the next day if you have a good enough excuse and can fax in a doctors excuse.

Wait, somethings happening.

The first group was called and I'm not in it, either is "I'm above all this" lady. Groups are starting to form and people are starting to talk, I've chosen to observe and keep to myself. This ends part 1 of my Jury Duty experience.

Stay tuned.