Along Came a Spider

Dangling from my shower ceiling a Daddy Long Legs decided to scare the living crap out of me just as I started washing my hair. Panic set in immediately. My first thought,
"This is going to be a great blog post if I get out of this alive."
I cupped my hands trying to collect enough water to throw at it. Which was somewhat effective as it was hit by a few drops and scurried back up to the ceiling. But still in the shower with me and my time was running out as the shampoo suds started to impair my vision. With one hand I wiped my eyes and the other trying to direct water towards the perv spider, I managed to get it to crawl past the shower curtain perimeter.
I finished washing my hair while watching the creature slowly make its way along the corner where the ceiling and wall meet. Never closing my eyes, they are blood shot at the moment and they sting. I might go blind but I never took my eyes off him.
Then he stopped and hung right above my towel.
"Oh, it's on now you bastard. Land on my towel and I will get right out of this shower and spray you with hairspray."
He must have understood me because he scurried back up and continued along the wall. Without the aid of my contacts or glasses he started to blur or I was really going blind. Whatever it was, I couldn't see him anymore, which was a little unsettling.
The rest of my shower was quick and I never closed my eyes, this could explain why they are swollen and red. I shook out my towel anyway because you can never be too careful. If fact I shook everything that could be shook in that bathroom except for the decorative towels on the towel rack that falls down if you touch it. No spider, can't find him. I was going to spray him with hairspray anyway. Yes I lied to him. So now instead, I have to burn the house down after I'm done writing this.

Spider!

Last month on FaceBook I penned a post about a spider web in my car. With that glaring evidence I deduced that a spider was living in my car. I received about 18 'likes' with that post, that translates, to me anyway, that I have a few heartless friends or they felt sorry for me and gave me a thumbs up?
I shook that confusion out of my head. I didn't know if I should burn just the inside of my car or the whole damn thing. My friends comments were an overwhelming decision to burn it to the ground. I had to agree with them. The problem is I'm a procrastinator.
So a month later, living under threat of a spider in my car, the nightmare that I could have avoided had I set my car ablaze in my driveway, came to fruition. In other words, shit got real.

The rest of this post is not for the squeamish. Several of my friends come to mind but I won't name them because they were in the group of the 18 'likes'. I will let them squirm.

In the car with the husband on our way to our daughter-in-laws graduation,
congratulations Karla, I sat in the passengers seat. The husband was navigating his way out of a parking lot. I looked out my window and saw a spider on my shoulder. It had to be at least 1/4" in diameter. The car was moving. I had my seat belt on. I was trapped. My only recourse was to have a spaz attack and make some kind of horrible sound come out of my mouth. A sound that can never, ever be made again, even under hypnosis.
Now I can not remember if I actually touch the spider but after a frantic search I saw it on the floor. I stepped on it until it was ground into the floor mat. Here is the conversation that ensued after my nervous breakdown.
The husband was somewhat alarmed,
"What?!"
"A spider!"
"Jesus."
"It was on my shoulder."
"Christ."
"It was on my shoulder."
"I thought something really bad happened."
"Something really bad did happen. A spider was on my shoulder."
"You scared the shit out of me. I could have gotten us in an accident."
I narrowed my eyes at him and talked through my teeth so he new I was serious,
"Tell me you can look at your shoulder, see a spider and it not startle you, tell me that."
His demeanor waned ever so slightly and with a grin,
"Maybe I would be startled but I wouldn't need a rubber room and a straight jacket."
"I'm burning this car down tomorrow, if you have and CD's in here that you want to keep I'd take them out when we get home if I were you."
"Yes dear."

Seymour had his babies!

"Seymour had his babies! Seymour had his babies!" Unfortunately that's me running out of the ladies room at work making the Monday morning announcement. For weeks we ladies at work, The New Girl, Woman of Action, Lady in the Corner, The Animal Lover and me, have been keeping our eyes on the spider in the ladies room. Not just any spider, a freakin Daddy Long Legs. I've been very leery of Daddy Long Legs ever since one attacked me in the shower.
Last week Woman of Action asked us if we thought the spider was getting bigger?
"Yes!" We said in unison.
"It never moves from that corner across from the toilet, it's like he's watching us."
Hence the name Seymour.
"I'm alright with him staying there as long he doesn't make a move towards me, one almost got me in the shower you know."

I started to wonder to myself, huh.... if he's not moving is he still alive? So the next time I was in the ladies room I inched over to the corner for a closer look. No movement. I ever so lightly blew on the web. Seymour's legs moved, he's not dead.
When sharing my day with the husband, I updated him on the spiders progress and the fact that he is alive because I blew on his web and his legs moved. The husband says to me, "Let me get this straight. You women at work let a spider watch you in the bathroom and today you gave him a ........"
"No, no, no, no, you can't talk like that on my blog."

So Monday morning, when I went in the ladies room I immediately checked on Seymour's location, there he was in his web, considerably thinner and a bunch of little spots around him. Holy Crap.
"Seymour had his babies! Seymour had his babies!" Like a freakin lunatic I run out of the room.
"What?" says Woman of Action.
"Seymour had his babies! Come and see." I'm followed by her, The New Girl and the Service Manager. The following conversation is swear to God true:

Woman of Action: We can't have all those spiders in here. We need to think extermination.
Service Manager: Anyone have a lighter?
ME and I still can't believe I said this: Wait a minute, we can't kill them after all this time.
Woman of Action: What do we do with them?
Service Manager: Anyone have a lighter?
The New Girl: Remember in the movie Shrek, when he took a stick and swirled the spider web around it like cotton candy? He ate it, but you get the idea.
Me: I have to get the phones, I'll be back, we'll think of something, don't anyone give him a lighter.

A plan was formed while I was gone. After answering a few phone calls, I walked back down the hall and around the corner to see Lady in the Corner holding open the ladies room door and The New Girl holding open the outside door. Woman of Action comes out holding a stick and bolts for the outside door. Seymour and his babies now reside in a bush next to the parking lot.

Animal Lover was at our corporate office Monday and missed out on what just might be one of the most exciting days at work this past year. This I regret because she's always freeing spiders, flies and mice, she would have loved the opportunity to save Seymour and his babies.
My other regret is that I thought to take pictures, I meant to take pictures, but I didn't. It just all happened so fast.

The Traumatic Spider Incident

Being in a house full of testosterone I usually don't have problem finding someone to kill stuff for me. But while in the shower, innocently shaving my legs, I'm pretty much on my own. I could have yelled for the husband to come kill the Daddy Long Legs that shimmied down it's web strand at an alarming speed, but he was in bed and I would have never, ever heard the end of it or I would have given him a heart attack. Both options were ones I didn't want to live with. Plus it all happened so fast, the traumatic spider incident, that's what I'm calling it now.
I've always let Daddy Long Legs spiders live ever since I saw one star in Honey We Shrunk Ourselves. It saved the retarded parents that shrunk themselves, accidentally of course, by giving them a ride to safety. But when I have a razor in my hand, gently pressed upon my leg and out of the corner of my eye I see the star of Honey We Shrunk Ourselves shimmy down from the ceiling, obviously in attack mode, my first and only reaction is to KILL. It's a wonder I didn't have a heart attack myself. I didn't actually touch it, because it managed to reach the tub without landing on me. I would probably be in a padded cell right now if it had. I swished water on it and it circled the drain while I shaved my legs.
The husband shuffled into the bathroom and I told him of my horrific experience and the fact that I saved his life. "You know, it probably had about a million baby spiders and they're all gonna come after you tonight, take you to Spiderville and lay eggs in your brain."
So now I have that to worry about.

Kill The Spider

"There is a tarantula in the laundry room, there will be no clean socks until it's dead."
In my world there are clearly defined jobs in our household. Spider killin' is for the men folk. Most spiders hang out in laundry rooms, so it's inevitable to run into a few now and then. But this one, this huge, hairy, eight legged monster made me jump.
"Boy #3! It's spider killin' time!"
After his first look at Shelob, I could tell he was bummed to be the only guy in the house. "Don't let it smell your fear."
He had come down to the laundry room with a wad of paper towels in his hand, but was re-thinking that option. His eyes wandered to the husbands work boot, then the spider, then the boot again. "It's the way to go." I said. "The boot."
"Yeah."
"You can't let it get away, you have to kill it first try. It's the kind of spider that will come back and kill us in our sleep if it gets away."
"Yeah."
The spider never moved during this whole conversation. Thank God. I was hoping it wasn't making it's own plan of attack. "I'm going to stand over there."
"Yeah."
I'm going to have to buy Boy #3 some gum or something after rescuing me from that tarantula.

Office Exterminator

I amused my co-workers today. Innocently, I brought in the mail as usual. Much to my surprise the object I saw out of the corner of my eye hanging from the catalogs and envelopes was not an object but a spider hanging from part of it's web I dislodge from the mailbox. Here's where the co-workers started to laugh, well after my yelp they did. The spider shimmied up it's web and rested on a catalog. This is when the discussion ensued. How does Sue get rid of her unwanted desk mate? Nothing like, "Here let me do it."
The best advice I received was, "Use these scissors and move the catalog, the spider will fall to the ground and then step on it."
So crazy it might work.
Only when it started to fall, it stopped in mid-air because of the whole web shooting thing that spiders are capable of. (you've seen Spiderman, you know what I'm talking about)
Being the quick thinker that I am and ready to kill anything that crawls near me, I cut the web with my scissors, the spider fell to the ground and I stepped on it. Then I waved my hands around like a moron. I'm quite certain that this scene will not be forgotten soon by my co-workers. The story got around the office and shop pretty quick. I can only hope that I'm not thought of as the office exterminator, I really don't want to do that again.